Chapter 26: Picnic At The Park
The Griffin family and the Murdocks decided to have nice day out of the house and have a picnic in the park. It was such a nice fall afternoon. The leaves had turned all kinds of color. Red, yellow, orange, and you would sometimes find occasional green leaves on the ground with brown stuff on it and they would smell funny as if a hobo would use them for... Wait, never mind. Lois and Jillian were setting up the picnic table, Peter and Chris were playing football, Stewie and Maddie were in the sandbox, Brian was behind some tree doing his business, and Zack and Meg were under a shadey tree. Zack was lying beside Meg while strumming his guitar.
"I love this time of year," said Meg, "Just look at all the colors of nature."
"I know," said Zack, "Anyway, I wrote a song about you. It goes a little something like this..."
Zack then began to play a few notes but was interrupted by a flying football that hit Zack in the face and broke his guitar.
"OW! Son of a bitch!" he said as he held onto his face.
"Zack, are you okay?" asked Meg.
"My guitar!!!" shouted Zack as he looked at his broken instrument and then at the football, "WHO'S FOOTBALL IS THIS?!?!?"
"Hey, you found my football," said Peter, "What happened to your guitar?"
"You busted it with your damn football!" said Zack angrily, "I was about to sing a song about Meg!"
"Really? A song about Meg? Heheh! Wow, looks like we just dodged a very boring bullet, Chris," said Peter, "Can we have our ball back?"
"Sure, Peter," said Zack, "Just go long. I'll throw it to you."
Peter then ran a few yards away.
"Is this long enough?" he shouted from afar.
"Further!"
"How about now?"
"Keep going!"
"How about now?" asked Peter as he was far away getting closer to heavy traffic.
"Perfect," said Zack as he then popped the football, "Now go cry in a corner!"
"You popped my ball!" shouted Peter from afar, "I'm telling on you!"
Peter then ran off and cried to the picnic table like a toddler.
"So much for my song," said Zack.
"It's okay," said Meg, "You didn't have to write a song to show that you love me."
"I'm gonna be honest with you, Meg," said Zack, "I never wrote a song. I was gonna make it up as I went along."
"You didn't write a song about her? You're a phoney!" said that one annoying guy, "Hey, everybody! This guy's a phoney! PHONEY! PHO-"
The annoying man was then cut off when the Zack smashed the rest of his guitar on him.
"I'm sorry, but somebody had to do it," said Zack.
"I know," said Meg, "God, he was SO annoying."
Meanwhile at the picnic table, Jillian(who is now 3 months pregnant, btw) and Lois were setting things up.
"Today, I found out that I'm going to be having twins," said Jillian, "Which is wierd because Chris and I only did it once."
"Jillian... I don't think it works that way," said Lois.
"Oh, I'm pretty sure I know how child birth works more than you," said Jillian, "I mean, I have a young bright mind, while yours is getting old and crusty."
"Oh really?" asked Lois bitterly, "Then explain to me how child birth works. Enlighten my 'old and crusty' mind."
"Well, after 2 people have sex, a place far off in the sky known as the baby factory has this machine," said Jillian, "Now the machine would only activate if 2 people have sex at a certain time and without a condom. It would make a baby, but it takes 9 months to make it so it would take a very long time. When the baby is finally done being built, a stork then carries the baby to the hospital where the mother must go to pick it up. But, if you want an abortion, you go to this place and fill out paperwork. Then you wait 4 to 5 weeks and you'll get a letter saying that the child is cancelled. See? I know exactly how it works."
Lois just stared at Jillian for a moment.
"Jillian, that was the biggest pile of bullsh(bleep) I have ever heard," said Lois, "That isn't how it works at all!"
"Oh, yeah, then how do you think it works?" asked Jillian.
"You know what?" asked Lois, "I think I'll let you find out for yourself. Boy, will you be in for a big surprise when it's time to go to the hospital."
"Okay," said Jillian, "But I know I'm right."
Peter then runs to Lois crying.
"Lois! Lois!" he cried, "Zack killed Mr. Stitchy! My football!"
"Now that's not very nice," said Lois, "I'm gonna have a talk with him."
Lois then went up to Zack, who was making out with Meg at the moment. She then slapped him in the back of his head rather hard.
"OW!!! What was that for?" asked Zack irritated.
"You killed Mr. Stitchy!" Lois said, "I demand you to apologise to him!"
"Are you drunk?" asked Zack, "I mean, did you even hear what you just said? Mr. Stitchy?"
"That was the name of Peter's football," said Lois.
"So what does he call his basketball?" asked Zack, "A very large orange testicle?"
"..." Lois thought for a moment, "Actually, yes!"
"Well, he destroyed my guitar!" said Zack, "I refuse to apologise!"
"Zack, I really wish you and dad would try to get along," said Meg.
"No way," said Zack, "Don't you remember what happened the last time we tried to get along when we were on that game show?"
Flashback
Zack and Peter are on a game that's sort of like the Newlywed Game, except it's for Father and son-in-laws which is called the Father and Son-in-law Game.
"Okay, Peter," said the host, "I will ask you a question and Zack will write the answer on a piece paper. If you answer it correctly, you can win $1,000,000!"
"Alright, Mr. Host. Lay it on me," said Peter.
"Oh, this is a real easy one," said the host, "What is your daughter, his wife, Meg Griffin/Murdock's name?"
"Oh... I know this one," said Peter, "Ummm... let's see... um... no that's not it... um... Lara Croft?"
"Oh I'm sorry!" said the host, "Zack?"
"It's Meg Griffin!" said Zack, "MEG FREAKIN' GRIFFIN!!!! THE DAMN HOST EVEN SAID IT DURING THE QUESTION!!! ALL YOU HAD TO SAY WAS SAY MEG GRIFFIN AND WE WOULD'VE HAD A MILLION DOLLARS!!! WHAT KIND OF FATHER DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS OWN DAUGHTER'S NAME?!?!? HOW HARD IS IT TO REMEMBER A THREE LETTER WORD AND YOUR OWN LAST NAME?!?!?"
"Heheheheh!" chuckled Peter, "You called Meg freakin'."
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" shouted Zack as he began fighting Peter. Peter then fought back and they both went on until security grabbed them and threw them into a dumpster.
"Thanks alot, fatass," said Zack, "Hey, a dollar!"
"I saw it first!" said Peter as he punched Zack.
They then began fighting in the dumpster until a dumptruck came and poured them along with the garbage into the truck. To make a long story short, after hours of fighting, they found out the dollar was really play money at the dump.
End Flashback.
"Oh Parker Brothers, you are truly evil," said Zack as he shook his head, "And then there was the time when Peter talked me into trying to help him win a Dog Show," said Zack.
Flashback
At a Dog Show, Peter and Zack are disguised as a dog in a two piece dog costume.
"Peter, this has to be the stupidest idea you've ever come up with!" said Zack.
"Oh, you're just mad because you're the dog's butt!" said Peter.
"You know, you should be back here instead of me," said Zack, "'cause you act like an ASS!!!"
They started beating each other up with their feet, much to the judges' surpise.
"Cut it out!" said Peter, "We need to cooperate if we want to win the prize!"
"Really what is the prize?"
"Listen to this. It's $500!"
"I'm listening."
"Worth of dog food!"
"And now I'm not!" said Zack.
"Oh c'mon!" said Peter, "We can sell the dog food at a profit! Besides it could be worse."
"Look, I could've been at home spending time with my daughter and wife since it's my off day," said Zack, "But instead I'm wasting my time being the ass of a dog made by an ass of a dog! What can be worse!"
Peter then makes a loud smelly fart in the costume.
"Like that," sad Peter.
"Y'know what? That did it! I'm out of here!" said Zack as he tore off from the rest of the costume and left, leaving Peter as the front half of a dog alone. Everyone in the audience looked on in shock.
"What?" asked Peter, "I still have a very handsome face!"
End Flashback
"Zack, just give Peter another chance," said Lois, "I'm sure you both can try to find some kind of middle ground."
"Fine, I'll give it a shot," said Zack, "But I can't promise anything."
"Hey, Zackie, Lois?" asked Jillian, "Chris and I want to practice being parents, so is it alright if we borrow Stewie and Maddie?"
"I don't know," said Zack, "I'm not too comfortable leaving them in the hands of you two."
"Zack, give them a chance," said Lois, "What's the worse they can do?"
"Trade them for pocket lint?" said Zack.
"Zack, I already told you," said Jillian, "I'm sorry I traded your NES for pocket lint! It seemed like a good deal at the time!"
"If it will help them be good parents," said Meg, "I think we should let them."
"Well, alright," said Zack, "They're over by the playground. But there are a few important things you need to know about Maddie, like that you shouldn't feed her..."
Jillian and Chris had already left before Zack even began talking.
"Wow, they've developed mind reading powers," said Zack sarcastically, "Well, better go hang with Peter."
"Just try to find something you two have in common," said Meg as Zack walked off.
Peter was sitting under a shadey tree reading a comic book alone. Zack sits next to him.
"Go away," said Peter sadly in a childish manner.
"Peter, I'm sorry about the football incedent," said Zack, "Anyway, whatcha doing?"
"Reading a comic book."
"You read comic books?"
"Yeah. I like The Incredible Hulk," said Peter, "I really like it when he goes, 'You won't like me when I'm angry' and then he goes completely mental."
"I, um, I like comic books, too," said Zack, "In fact, I collect them. I even brought one of them with me."
"What is that one?" asked Peter.
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," said Zack, "I always loved them since I was a kid. I even watched the live action movies."
"Which one was your favorite," asked Peter.
"TMNT 3," said Zack, "I know many don't really like it, but I feel that it was a pretty underrated movie."
"Really?" asked Peter, "Me too! I found it to be quite well written."
"Yeah, so did I," said Zack, "Say, I have a portable DVD player with me. You wanna watch it?"
"Do I?" asked Peter in excitement, "Lois, do I?"
"Of course!" said Lois, "You two have fun watching the Ninja Turtles."
Meanwhile at the sandbox, Jillian is about to push Maddie on the swings.
"I read somewhere that a good mother should play with her child often," said Jillian, "It will help you grow your mind or something."
"Another important thing is that a good mother always, ALWAYS listens to her child," said Maddie, "That being said, I wanna get off."
"Wait, you say something?" asked Jillian.
"...I wanna get off," said Maddie.
"You wanna swing really really high?"
"NO!"
"Okay! Here we GO!" shouted Jillian
"Dad's right! You are dumb as he- AAAAAAHHHHH!!!" screamed Maddie as Jillian pushed Maddie on the swing hard.
"Get me of!!!" shouted Maddie, "GET ME OFF!!! GETMEOFFGETMEOFFGETMEOFF!!!!!!!!"
"What's that? Higher you say?" asked Jillian.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"YES? Then higher you'll go!!!" said Jillian as she pushed Maddie so fast that she began spinning over the swings screaming her little lungs out, "Hey, parenting is pretty easy, Jillian added, "How are you doing with Stewie, Chris?"
"Jillian! I hope we're not having boys!" shouted Chris.
"Why?"
"Because they're very VERY aggressive!!!" shouted Chris as he was running away from Stewie who was constantly shooting his ray gun at him.
"What?!?!?" shouted Stewie as he was still chasing him, "You said we could play whatever I wanted! Weh're just playing laser tag!"
"See?" asked Jillian, "He just wants to play a harmless game."
Stewie then accidentally shoots a tree and it explodes.
"OH MY GOD!!! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!!!" shouted Chris.
"Oh you worry too much! He won't hurt you. We should be GREAT parents when our kids are born," laughed Jillian as Maddie's swing came back down... without Maddie, "Maddie? Where'd you go?"
Back with the others, Zack and Peter are talking and laughing about trivial topics such as TV and video games.
"Wow, I can't believe dad and Zack are actually getting along," said Meg.
"See," said Lois, "All they needed to do was find some things that they had in common and now they seem to like each other a little better."
"I just hope Zack doesn't take on any of dad's traits though," said Meg, "That would really suck."
Cutaway
Zack walks into Meg's bedroom.
"Guess what I blew our savings on!" said Zack, "Air insurance! Just look at that wind outside. Plotting."
"Air insurance?!?! You blew Maddie's college fund on Air insurance?!?!?" shouted Meg, "You skinny bastard!!!"
"Shut up, Meg!" said Peter, "I find you unattractive now and think you are a horrible excuse for a wife just like how Peter finds you to be a horrible excuse for a daughter. You also look like a boy and make me want to throw up while having sex with you."
Meg then runs out of the room crying.
"Now to go downstairs and have a long running and very unfunny conversation with somebody and not feel bad for Meg at all because it is somehow funny to some people," said Zack, "Heheheheheheh! And so is this laugh for some reason."
End Cutaway.
"Oh my god," said Lois, "That totally would suck!"
Meanwhile, Peter and Zack are at the picnic table having a conversation.
"And I'm telling you that Super Saiyan Goku could totally beat Superman any day of the week," said Zack.
"Nah, all that anime is exaggerated," said Peter.
"Well, to a degree, so are Superman's powers," said Zack, "It doesn't matter. They'd probably just join forces anyway."
"I guess you're right," said Peter, "Hey, have you ever watched the first Star Wars movie? Now that is a great movie."
"Eh, I'm not really into Star Wars that much," said Zack.
Lois and Meg then spat out their sodas at Zack's remark.
"Oh no!" said Lois.
"What do you mean?" asked Peter.
"I just don't really like Star Wars," said Zack, "I don't see what the big deal is."
"The "big deal" is that Star Wars is the greatest sci-fi franchise that ever graced the Earth," said Peter.
"Greatest sci-fi?" said Zack, "Yeah right! That title belongs to Star Trek and you know it!"
"Star Trek can't even hold a candle to the greatness that is Star Wars," said Peter.
"Oh yeah?!?!" said Zack angrily, "I'll bet Captain Kirk could kick the pants off of that sissy boy, Luke Wimpwalker any day of the year!"
"Oh, yeah, well Luke would just force choke Captain Dirt to death!" said Peter, "Kirk doesn't even have powers like that."
"Only a pansy uses those kinds of powers instead of using good old hand to hand combat," said Zack, "Also, Worf could kick Chewbacca's ass just because he's a Klingon! Klingons rule!"
"Klingons suck! Wookies rule!"
"Just what kind of a stupid name is "Wookie" anyway?!?! It sounds like baby talk for Rookie which Stupidbacca is anyway!"
"You know what? I don't care what you think!!! I hate you!!! You and your precious Star Trek can go to hell"
"No thanks, cause hell is where Star Wars is!" shouted Zack as he stomped away angrily. Peter then stomped away angrily towards Lois.
"I can't believe it," said Peter, "Just what kind of monster doesn't like Star Wars? I'll tell you who: the blonde haired one with the green wool cap! That's who!"
"Peter, it's no big deal," said Lois, "He just doesn't like Star Wars."
"But it is a big deal!" said Peter, "You know Star Wars is sacred to me, just like Star Junk is sacred to him."
"SHUT UP!!!" shouted Zack.
"Oh I'm sorry," said Peter, "I don't speak to bastards."
"Peter, he probably doesn't mean it," said Lois, "You know how Star War and Star Trek fans can be like. Just give him another chance."
"I dunno, Lois. I-" said Peter before he was cut off by... the giant fighting chicken!
The Chicken began punching Peter on the ground, but Peter threw the chicken off him and onto the table where he banged the Chicken's head repeatedly. The Chicken then elbowed Peter in the face and punched him in the stomache. Peter then grabs the Chicken by the neck and they stumble off the side of a cliff. While falling, they exchange blows until they land on top of an oil truck where they continue fighting. The Chicken then bites Peter in the arm. Peter then punches the Chicken to make him release it and then punches the Chicken some more. Meanwhile in the truck, the driver then looks at Peter and the Chicken for a moment and looks at the road... only to see that he was off it and crashed into a tree, causing it to explode and shooting Peter and the Chicken into the air. Peter and the Chicken are still exchanging blows.
They then fall on the streets of Quahog where they continue fighting. The Chicken throws Peter into the Lightpost. Peter gets up and throws the Chicken onto a cop car, where they Peter begins pummeling the Chicken. The Chicken kicks Peter off of him and pecks bites his lips. Peter kicks the Chicken in the crotch making him crumple to the ground. Peter then charges at him, but the Chicken opens a manhole making Peter fall. Peter, however grabs onto the Chicken pulling him down with him. They then continue their fight in the sewers where they threw each other into the bars. They then rolled around punching each other until they poped right out of the manhole above them(How can they fight while climbing the ladder? I dunno.)
They continued their fight into the History Museum, where they exchanged blows until they got into the Japanese Exhibition. The Chicken then threw Peter into a case with Samurai Armor where he laid bloodied. The Chicken then took one of the Exhibit's kitana sword and raised it above his head to finish the fight once and for all. Then out of nowhere through a nearby glass window, A man in a motorcycle with long blonde hair wearing a trenchcoat and hockey mask burst into the scene colliding into the Chicken and causing him to fly backwards a few feet.
"What in the world?" asked Peter.
The man then took out a couple of hockey sticks while the Chicken slowly got back on his feet. He and Peter had never seen this man before in their lives. The Chicken didn't care and rushed in to attack him. However, the blonde man with the hockey mask used his hockey sticks to parry and dodge the Chicken's punches and beak.
"GOONGALA GOONGALA!!!" he shouted as he struck his hockey stick onto the Chicken's head rather hard. He then slammed his other one. Then his other one. He repeated this process until the Chicken was dizzy. He then stumbled until he fell out the window the blonde man broke through and fell from the 5 stories to his doom screming his patented cartoon chicken scream.
Peter looked on to the man in the hockey mask. He had saved his life. There was one question that was going on in Peter's mind...
"Why is Paris Hilton such a skank?" he asked.
"What?" he asked.
PETER!!! Not that question!!! The other one!
"Oh, right!" said Peter, "Just who are you?"
The man in the hockey mask then removed his hockey mask to reveal that he was his so-in-law, Zack.
"Zack?" Peter asked, "You save my life? Even after all the things I said about Star Trek?"
"Peter, Star Trek is just a show," said Zack, "We're family now. Family always look out for each other. Besides, you would've done the same for me."
In Peter's mind, Zack is being beaten up by gangsters while Peter is sneaking away not helping him.
"That is so true," said Peter.
"Pffft. No it's not. You'd leave me for dead and you know it. I'm not like that, though."
"I got a question, though. If we're here in the 5th story, how did you get that bike through the window?"
"I...I don't know! Ah, it's not important," said Zack, "Let's get back to the park. The food's ready."
Peter and Zack then walked off into the sunset. Meanwhile in the dumpster where the Chicken was in, he laid there motionless. As the camera zoomed into his face, he opened his eyes with that thirst of revenge.
Anyway, back in the park Peter and Zack return while everyone is sitting on the table. Zack then noticed someting odd.
"Jillian, where's Maddie?" asked Zack.
"Yeah, Chris," said Jillian attempting to throw the blame on Chris, "Where is Maddie?"
"Don't look at me," said Chris who was pretty burnt up, "I was playing "laser tag" all day."
Then as if on cue, Madeline falls from the sky and lands on Zack knocking him down, but not too much since Maddie's only a baby and weighs very little.
"Maddie, where were you?" asked Meg, "And why are you're clothes and hair charred?"
"Re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere," said Maddie, "Did you know Martians really do exist?"
Flashback
While slying in space she goes past Mars and sees Marvin the Martian.
"No way!" she said, "You guys really do exist!"
"I know! Isn't that wonderful?" said Marvin.
"I've got a question," said Maddie, "What's Mars like?"
"It's okay," said Marvin, "There's a shortage of chairs."
"...Oh," said Maddie, "Well, goodbye!"
Maddie then drifted away back to Earth.
"What a nice girl," said Marvin.
End Flashback.
End Chapter.