A/N: I changed my pen name! AHH! So now I'm 'WolfGirl4Life'. I've always been Team Jacob...though I don't like Bella much...so I have no idea why I was ever anything having to do with vampires...moment of weakness, I guess :)
If you've looked at the title of this chapter, you most likely already know that it's not in Leah's point of view. It's not even in Jacob's point of view. It's in Emily's. And this will probably upset a lot of you, and I'm sorry :(, but there are things that Emily knows that she didn't get the chance to say in Chapter 24: I Can't Live Like This that I feel are very important. After rereading a bit, I realized how extremely cruel Leah was, and because of that I'm feeling quite sympathetic toward her at the moment.
If you hate me right now, I don't blame you.
Let's face it. Leah was pretty harsh, and gave Emily's confidence a thorough beating. She chewed her up and spit her out. Maybe she deserved it, maybe she didn't, but regardless, I think her side of the story needs to be told.
Even if you already hate the idea of Emily's point of view, I still encourage to read this chapter. It may make you as sympathetic towards her as I am. Though skipping out on this chapter will not take away from the story's initial plot, you will be missing out on some insight about Leah's character as well as Emily's. If you really have strong feelings, I can't stop you from hitting the red button at the top left corner of your browser.
Without further ado...let the games begin...
I sat there in silence as each one of Leah's words sunk in and slapped me in the face. I had done this. I had broken her. I'd ruined everything. I was terrible. I was just as much a monster as she was.
No.
I didn't really believe that. I didn't see werewolves as things to be feared, though I had enough reason to. The scars on my face were proof. I knew the pack too well to be scared. They were my family. I loved them. Especially Leah. Though I had reason enough to hate her in this moment, I didn't. I couldn't. Because I knew that every cruel acid-tongued word that came out of her mouth was the truth. The cold, hard, truth.
Some family I am, I thought, as Leah and I stared at each other in a tense silence. I hated silence. I hated silence because it always seemed to scream words unsaid. The words I was too self-conscious to say, and the words I was too scared to hear. As I looked at her face, I saw the things that had changed. I saw the bags under her eyes, the knots in her hair. The sharp lines of her cheek bones and the chalky undertone to her skin. She looked like a wreck. Like she hadn't slept in weeks. It was all my fault. I had to look away. I'd like to say that it was in guilt. In shame. In endless remorse. But it wasn't. I had to look away because her unfathomable beauty was beginning to make my eyes hurt.
I was trying to find words to say, words that would make up for everything that I'd done to the girl I once considered my best friend. My only friend. But as I looked up into her disapproving eyes once again, I saw that there was nothing I could say. There was nothing I could do. I'd already done enough. I'd actually done far too much.
I'd broken her beyond repair. I'd done it. It was my choice, and my choice alone that had done this. I was an idiot. No, I wasn't. I was something far, far, worse. Something too horrible, too disgusting to put a label on. That was it. I was too terrible for words.
I was grateful when the oven timer in the kitchen went off, and it was only then that I smelled the sweet aroma of chocolate chip cookies. I shouldn't be capable of making something sweet, when the things I've done are far from it. I ran away from Leah, into the kitchen. I couldn't let the cookies burn. I'd ruined far too many things in my life.
That's when I heard the door open. Sam and the kids were back. This was only going to make things worse. I loved my children, I really did. I'd always wanted to be a mother. I loved Nicole and Derrick more than my own life. But I knew Leah. Before I'd ruined her, I'd known her like the back of my hand, and I'd like to think that I still did. I knew that having my two kids in the room would just be another reminder to her of the life I'd stolen from her. The life that I'd taken. I didn't have any right to rob her of it, but at the time it seemed like I didn't have any other choice. And it was too late now to give it back.
As I heard the door swing open and slam shut, I cringed. She was walking away. Running away, screaming. I had let her get away from me without making her understand how sorry I was. Again. I then heard Sam telling the kids to go to their rooms, that he'd be there in a minute. It made me smile. In the middle of all this insanity, Sam's natural gift at being a father was something that baffled me. I remembered what he'd told me the day I'd told him I was pregnant with Nicole.
"I'm going to be the best Daddy on the planet, I promise, Em. I'm not going to let my bastard of a father ruin me. Ruin our child. I've done a lot of things I regret in my life, but this is not going to be one of them. I'm going to make you proud, baby. I promise."
Sam was by far one of the strongest people I knew...well with an exception of Leah. He really made a huge effort to be there for his kids. He really wanted to be the father that he'd never had. And it showed. Nicole and Derrick loved him. More than they loved me, I think. I couldn't complain, though. I loved watching him interact with them. It was one of the very best parts of my life.
I heard his footsteps behind me, but I didn't turn around. I knew he'd see from the look on my face what had happened, I didn't feel like having this conversation with him again. We'd had it so many times now, that it was becoming predictable. It seemed inevitable, though, considering all that had happened. I heard his footsteps drawing nearer to me, and I couldn't wait until he was close enough to hold me. He was close enough now that I could feel his body heat. He put his hands on my waist, and spun me around to face him.
"Hello, beautiful," he said, smiling at me. He leaned in and kissed my scarred cheek. Once, twice, three, four times. Once on every scar that he'd left. He then lifted my left hand and pulled his ring to his lips. This was the default greeting for him. And every time he looked at me I saw that flicker of regret for hurting me. For not being strong enough.
"Hey," I said, hearing the sadness in the sound of my own voice. He doesn't ask what's wrong, but I know he knows something's up. He pulls me into his arms, and I feel safe.
"You were listening?" I ask. The words are so quiet that I can barely make them out myself, so I was surprised when he confirmed it. "How much did you hear?"
"I heard enough to know how much she must have hurt you," he says, and I knew he heard every single word of her little speech. "I'm sorry this is so hard, Emily. I'm sorry..."
"She's right, though. This is all my fault. If I weren't such a selfish person, she wouldn't be hurting right now..."
"You, Emily Uley," he says, and I gasp at the sound of my new name, shocked at how good it sounds to me. "Are the least selfish person I know." His hands are around my waist, and it feels like I have to tilt my head all the way back to look into his eyes.
"You're a little biased, you know," I say, smiling tiredly. He shrugs. I laugh quietly, and that seems to please him.
"I'll put the kids to sleep, you get ready for bed. We'll talk," he said, kissing me softly on my ruined lips. I nod, and pull out of his warm embrace. It seemed as if every time I walked away from him, my core temperature dropped twenty degrees in three seconds flat. Sam kept me warm. Sam kept me safe. Sam kept me from thinking that every decision I'd ever made in my life was a mistake.
I walked to our bedroom, and changed from jeans to sweat pants and a t-shirt. I climb into bed, and curl up into a ball. The bed is too big, to cold without Sam here to fill it up. Finally, he enters the room, and it seems like seconds later he's in bed next to me, holding me. Comforting me. He wipes something wet away from my cheek. I hadn't realized I was crying.
"Everything will be alright. Someday, this will all make sense. Someday, Leah will get her happy ending, and we'll all realize that this all happened for a reason," he whispers. I don't have the heart to tell him that despite all the mythical creatures that surround us, we don't live in a fairytale.
Sam has always made it a point to always assure me of his love. Everyday, he does something to prove it to me. Weather its saying it out loud, or massaging my feet, or buying me a gift, he always has some way of showing me that he loves me. For a while, I had no idea why he felt the need to do it. I trusted him. I knew he meant it when he said it. As far as I was concerned, the words were enough. He didn't need to go to great lengths to show me. Grand gestures were not necessary. I've told him countless times to stop doing it. He has nothing to prove to me. But he never stopped. He still does it to this day. One day I just flat out asked him why he did it.
"Oh," he said, and he sounded surprised that I asked. Like he didn't know how to answer. "Well, I just want to make sure you know that you're my number one. The one and only woman I love."
That last part is what sealed the deal for me. The last piece of the puzzle. Because when he said it, there was a flicker in his eyes. I knew him well enough to recognize what that flicker was.
Guilt.
He was lying.
He wasn't doing these romantic gestures to remind me that he loved me. He was doing them to remind himself. Because he still loved Leah. I wasn't the only woman he loved. I may have been his number one, but by no means was I his only love.
I envy Leah for a lot of things. For instance, her beauty. Leah could model a potato sack and it would make people ask her where she got it. She was beautiful in every sense of the word. Even when she was hurting, like she obviously was tonight, she was mind-blowingly beautiful. I admired her for her strength. I'd watched her as her life had fallen apart around her, and she was still standing. And I couldn't help but admit, that if our places were reversed- if Sam had left me because he imprinted on her, she probably would have been strong enough to stay away from him. Because she was strong, and I was not.
But most of all, I envy Leah Clearwater because she is Sam's first choice.
I am secure enough in my relationship to admit that if Sam hadn't imprinted on me, he would not have spared me a second glance. Of course, after I'd decided I'd needed him to love me, it wasn't long before I fell for him, and I had a feeling he'd fallen for me too. Imprinting was an odd thing. After Sam had attacked me, I'd seen the scars on my face, and known that no one else would ever love me with this face. Sam was there, he was a good guy, and apparently he was attached to me for eternity weather I liked it or not. So I took advantage of it. I told him I needed him to love me, so he did. But when I told him that, I really didn't know him. Thank God he ended up being someone I was actually capable of loving. This mess would've been a whole lot more complicated if we couldn't stand each other.
He wrapped his arms around me, and I pulled my body closer to him, searching for his warmth. I needed it to keep me going. To remind me that I was worth something.
"Don't forget that I love you, Emily. You're all I could have asked for...all I've ever wanted. I just wish I met you first," he whispers in my ear. I don't deserve his love. I'm terrible. A monster.
"I know," I say. "But you didn't. And this is all my fault."
"Never believe that," he said, forcing me to look into his eyes. "I started this. This is my doing, not yours."
"You didn't have a choice! I had a choice and I chose to hurt her! I was selfish, and I chose to basically kill my best friend. Don't deny it, Sam. I don't regret you. I don't wish I hadn't met you because you're everything that I've ever needed. But..."
"I know what you mean," he said, kissing my hair. "Derrick is worried about you," he said quietly, not-to-subtly trying to change the subject. It worked.
"What?"
"He asked me why mommy looked so sad," he said somberly.
"What did you tell him?" I asked, my voice coming out as nothing more than an intake of air.
"I told him that mommy had an argument with Aunt Leah." He'd told him the truth. I guess that was better than any explanation he could've possibly given. What else was he going to say? Oh, well I was once in love with your Aunt, but I broke up with her to be with your mom, and now aunt Leah came over and just totally chewed your mommy out for being a selfish bitch...
Many people were confused when Sam and I had announced that I was pregnant. To be honest, neither of the pregnancies were exactly planned. The first time when I was pregnant with Nicole, I didn't know how to react. I was happy, of course, I was going to be a mother, of course I was happy. But Sam and I weren't even married yet. I wondered if the Elders would disapprove of the pregnancy. I was sure they would not force me to take such drastic measures as to get an abortion, but I wondered if Sam would get in any kind of trouble. I wasn't that knowledgeable about Quileute laws and legends, so I didn't know if this was breaking some kind of rule. I hoped with every fiber of my being that it wasn't. Sam had later assured me that everything would be fine. The elders weren't thrilled to hear it, but they were happy and congratulated him, so he assumed everything was fine. They were probably just happy that another line of werewolves were in the works.
The second time around, it was easier. Of course, this pregnancy wasn't planned either, but Sam and I had enjoyed parenthood so much that we didn't see it as much of a problem.
Naming the kids hadn't been much of a problem for us. Once Nicole was born, her name was obvious. She was named after Sam's mother, who we'd both loved and respected while she was still alive. Her loss had been very hard on Sam. She was all he'd ever had, for his father was...well...not someone he exactly looked up to. Though Nicole had never met her grandmother, both Sam and I knew that Nicolette- his mother's name- would have loved her. Derrick's name was harder to find, but the meaning was so much deeper. Sam and I had a hard time coming up with a name that we both loved and agreed on. I was just fooling around on some naming websites, joking around with Sam about naming our baby silly names. When I'd found the name Derrick, I'd thought is was going to be some stupid name, but once the page loaded, and the meaning came onto the screen, I called Sam over. Once he read it he pulled me into a kiss so passionate that I lost my train of thought. I'd forgotten what we were talking about when he'd said 'it's perfect'. Derrick means 'the power of the tribe'. Though it derives from a German origin, the name still resonated with both of us.
Sam and I hadn't started a family the conventional way, but I wasn't exactly disappointed. Besides, I had a werewolf for a husband? How much more unconventional can you get?
I don't remember falling asleep, but waking up was much different. I opened my eyes, and Sam's panicked face was the first thing I saw. The first thing I thought was about something happening to the kids. Was the house on fire? Once I was sure that everything was okay and not in flames, I gave Sam a look.
"What's so important that you have to wake me up at one in the morning?" I ask playfully, but the frown doesn't fade from Sam's face. I feel my smile fade to match his worried expression. "What is it?"
"Em...Leah's gone. She hasn't come home, and we can't find her anywhere," he said gravely. I scanned him. He was in cutoffs and nothing else. His hair was messed up, and he had dirt on his arms and legs. He'd been running. He'd been running and hadn't woken me up? But once his words sunk in, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My stomach sunk to the floor. "Everyone's here, come on," he said, holding out his hand and helping me out of bed. I don't think I registered anything that was going on around me because I was suddenly in my living room, and I didn't remember walking there. I looked up, and gasped. When Sam had said everyone, I didn't think he meant everyone. But Paul, Rachel, Jared, Kim, Embry, Quil, Collin, Brady, Seth, Sue, Billy, Old Quil, and Jacob...who was holding a crying Jayme- all stood before me. I knew they weren't glaring at me...but that's what it felt like. I sunk back into my misery. This was all my fault.
Sue stepped forward, and took my hands in hers. My beloved aunt; my second mother. She looked worried sick. Her eyes were bloodshot, and brimming with tears. There were deep, black, prominent bags under her eyes, and her hair was rumpled as if she'd raked her hands through it several times. I felt the tears well in my eyes, and my vision blurred. I had done this. I was the reason for this. I was more terrible than any monster. The worst kind of demon.
"Emily," Sue said, and her voice was hoarse. She coughed, and I sobbed.
"I don't know, Sue. I don't know where she went. I'm sorry. I would've stopped her if I'd known that she was going to..."
"I don't think there was anything any of us could've said would have stopped her, Emily," she said, and her voice was a whisper now. I disagreed. I looked towards Jacob and Jayme in the corner, and my heart broke even more. I was the reason this little girl was crying. I wanted to slap myself in the face. I almost asked Sue to do it for me.
"Look, guys. There's really nothing we can do here," Jacob said. He sounded authoritative. Different. Like he knew who he was and the power he held over everyone in the room. The pack dynamic was complicated now. Jacob had come back to La Push with his pack in tow after the conflict with the Italian vampires. It was hard to explain. There was two packs protecting one tribe, and even now, the atmosphere held a subdued tension. Jacob stood with Jayme in his arms, Seth, Embry, and Quil stood close behind him. Sam stood across the room with me. His pack- Jared, Paul, Collin, and Brady stood off to the side. The Elders stood in the middle, observing. Although Sam hadn't officially stepped down as alpha, Jacob still held more power over him. Sam's words were weightless to the members of Jacob's pack, though Paul, Jared, Collin, Brady, and even Sam were under the power of Jacob's command. Sam's pack still could not hear the other pack's thoughts, though Jacob and Sam had their alpha connection. It was odd, intense, and awkward. We all knew that the boys still loved each other. They were brothers, and nothing could change that. But the brothers had a significant difference in opinion that separated them. The packs mingled together. They shared patrols. Seth, Quil, Embry, and Jacob came here as often and as freely as they pleased. But in situations like this, where both whole packs were forced into the proximity of one another, the strange uneasiness was undoubtedly there.
"There's nothing we can do right now," Jacob repeated. "We should all go home, get some rest. We'll see if Leah calls by the morning. We all know Leah. We know it's not in her character to leave her family behind. Despite what she wants us to think, she loves us all, and she probably has a good reason for leaving. We just have to wait for an explanation."
"So you're saying we do nothing!" Sam exploded next to me. "You're saying let her just leave like this. She left without a trace, Jacob. She left her daughter with you with no excuse...and you're just going to tell us to do absolutely nothing?" Sam was furious. I grabbed his arm, hoping to calm him down, but it didn't work. He looked down and glanced at me for an instant, then stared back up at Jacob.
"Sam, what do you want to do? Send out search parties? She left by car. There's no way in hell we're going to be able to trace her scent. She's probably too far away now to bother looking for her. And it's not like this is permanent, Sam. She's going to come back. She loves her family, and in reality, Jayme too much to just leave her here. She's coming back."
"How do you know?" Sam hissed. "What if you don't know her as well as you think you do?"
"Wanna make a bet?" Jacob snarled, giving Jayme to Seth. Jayme's eyes were filled with tears again. Not from fear for her mother, like before, but fear for her father, now too. I tensed.
"Stop," Billy Black said, and his tone was laced with deep-rooted influence. Every head in the room turned to look at him. Old Billy Black, crippled and weak in his wheel chair, had more power than any wolf in the room. The air was filled with his authority. It seemed to bounce of the walls and consume every inch of breathable air. The air seemed heavy, thick with tension.
"I think, in this case, Jacob is right. There is no logical immediate action that can be taken right now. Leah has stopped transforming, therefore she is no longer tied to La Push. She is free to go and do as she pleases. However, we all know Leah well enough to know that she will come back. We just have to be patient. Now, everyone return home, get some rest, and don't worry about Leah. We all know pretty well that she is capable of taking care of herself," Billy said, laughing humorlessly. If we knew anything at all about Leah, it was that she was perfectly fine on her own.
Everyone filed out silently. Sam still stood, frozen in the position he'd been when threatening Jacob. Once everyone was gone, I turned to him.
"Things have changed," I said quietly. "You need to get used to not getting your way." Sam hung his head. Change was not easy for him.
"I guess I've been in charge so long that I just...I'm just not used to being questioned. Or being shut down...Emily, I'm sorry."
"For what?" I asked, chuckling, rearranging the hair that I could reach.
"Losing control...for being...this...for forcing you to have a werewolf as a husband. I've trapped you into this life. You mean the world to me, Emily. You really do. Don't forget, ever, that I love you. You deserve so much better than me, Emily, I'm sorry." I didn't know where this was coming from. Sam hadn't done anything less than I expected of him.
It was giving me whiplash, really. Having Leah basically tell me that I wasn't worth her time and effort, then having Sam tell me I meant everything to him...it was confusing.
"Thank you, Sam, but don't you forget this," I said, pulling myself closer to him. "You are all that I've ever wanted and needed in a man. For a lot of people, what they want and what they need are completely different things. For me...Sam...it's you. It's you, and it's always been you. I refuse to believe that my life could be any better without you in it. In a couple of weeks, I will become Mrs. Sam Uley, and well, that's really all I need. To know that I belong to you in every way possible before I die. So stop moping around, and saying that you have done nothing to deserve me...because in reality, it's not true. I'm not perfect, and you're not perfect. But together, when I'm with you...I feel like, maybe I'm that much closer. We've both done some pretty stupid stuff because of how we feel about each other, but that doesn't mean that we don't belong together. You and I have made mistakes...there's no getting around it, but, Sam, if making those mistakes is what led me to you, to our children, to our life ahead of us...well then, I don't regret a single moment of it." And he kissed me. He swept me into his arms and kissed me so fiercely and with so much passion and need, that my knees quite literally went weak. I would've fallen if he hadn't been holding me so close to his body.
"Emily...I...I love you. More than I could ever explain. I just...I want to be worth it. I'm trying, baby. I'm trying my hardest to be worth everything you're sacrificing for me."
"Sam, I'm not sacrificing anything! You're all I've ever known. I don't know any way to love but this. So I don't know what I'm missing, and honestly, I don't care."
"Alright," he said, kissing me again, lightly on my lips. "Well, it's been a long day. Let's get some rest." He took my hand, and led me to our bedroom. I fell asleep in his warm arms. I was happy. But I knew that things between me and Leah were far from over.
When we woke up in the morning, it was quiet. I don't think either Sam nor I knew what there was to say. When the phone rang, I jumped.
"Hello?" I said, and I wasn't sure how my voice sounded.
"Emily? It's Sue Clearwater," she said, and I almost sighed in relief.
"Oh, hey Sue. Anything from Leah?"
"Actually, that's why I'm calling. She called early this morning, but we weren't awake. I don't know where she is, but she says she's fine. She just needed time to think about things, and I guess she couldn't do it here," her voice sounded grave. Unsure. It saddened me to no end.
"I'm just glad to hear that she's safe...I'm sorry, Sue. This is my fault..."
"Don't blame yourself, Emily, sweetie. I think this is actually good for Leah- she needed a break. I don't know where, or how she's doing it, but guess this is better than nothing," she said. The words sounded wrong to me, but that didn't matter.
"Okay, well take it easy, Sue. I'm sure Leah will come home soon," I reassured, hoping my voice sounded convincing.
"I hope so, dear."
"Thanks for the call," I said, glad she didn't hate me for what I did to her daughter.
"No problem. I'll see you soon, Emily," she said. We both hung up. As bad as it sounds, I wasn't satisfied. So Leah had called home. That didn't mean she was coming back. I hated myself for thinking that about her, but I couldn't help it. She'd taken off before, why couldn't she do it again?
Because her daughter isn't with her, idiot.
Right. Forgot about that.
Of course you did.
Now I'm arguing with myself?
Apparently.
I'm going to stop now.
Right, you do that.
I shook my head, as if it was an etch-a-sketch, and I could shake away the thoughts I didn't like, or the mistakes I didn't want to think about or see anymore. Unfortunately, I've gotta say that it didn't work so well.
No matter what I said, no matter what I did, there was no possible way I could fix what I'd done to Leah. That mistake was done. There was nothing that could make up for what I'd done to her in the past. No matter how hard I wished for it, my life didn't have a magic rewind button where I could go back and stop myself from hurting the best friend I'd ever had. There was nothing that could be done to fix all the things that ruined our friendship. But that didn't mean we couldn't start over.
In that second, I saw how maybe, this could work. The script formed in my head. I knew exactly what I would say to her, and exactly how things could end up. And suddenly, I knew the reason why things had never been fixed. Every time that Leah and I had tried to work out our issues, it had been from her instigation. But that wasn't fair. She was the victim here. If I was the one to apologize, and didn't run my big mouth, maybe we could actually try to be friends rather than just scream at each other. In that moment, I almost believed that everything could be alright. Almost.
Because then I thought about all the reasons that Leah didn't have to forgive me. The reasons she'd want to be friends after everything I'd done. All the pain I've caused. Hers, mine, Sam's.
Why did I have to go visit La Push five years ago?
Because you're a home-wrecking whore.
Oh, right. Thanks for reminding me.
No problem.
I'd hurt my cousin in the worst way possible. I'd taken away the love of her life. I'd hurt her in too many ways that I didn't even want to think about. I'd made her. I'd changed her. I'd...ruined her.
I'm pretty good at several things. I can bake, I can take care of my kids, I can love and comfort Sam. But there's really only one thing I'm spectacular at. I could write a handbook on how to break Leah Clearwater. I was a pro at that.
A/N2: Don't kill me. Please. I thought that Emily deserved to tell her side of the story. Trust me, I tried to write Leah, Bex, and Danny in Hawaii, but every time I sat down to write, I heard Emily crying in the corner of my brain.
I apologize, I'm a sucker for tears...but in case you were wondering the conversation went a little something like this.
FMCV: *sits down to write*
Emily: *bursts out hysterically crying*
FMCV: Why, Emily, whatever is the matter?
Emily: Y-you totally made everyone h-hate me! I d-d-do have my r-reasons for what I did! *blows nose noisily into a handkerchief*
FMCV: So? Everyone already hated you.
Emily: You didn't h-have to r-r-rub it in. Don't you w-w-want to hear my side of the st-story?
FMCV: Well...no. Not exactly. Not at all, really.
Emily: Wh-why?
FMCV: Because I hate you. Just like most other people who read and review *wink* this story.
Emily: *cries even louder*
FMCV: If I write your pathetic tale will you shut up and leave me alone? *grumbles incoherent profanities*
Emily: *suddenly all the tears are gone* Sure! *walks away*
FMCV: I fucking hate that bitch.
So if you're still around...sorry I'm a little hyped up on Red Bull. Again I'm sorry, but it had to be done.
REVIEW AND TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU FUCKING HATED IT!