Chapter 26
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I growl.
"Where is Ana?" He growls back and tries to look over my shoulder into the house. I manage to plaster a grin on my face and step into his view.
"She's sleeping. Now get the fuck out. Stay away from her"
"Not a fucking chance, Grey. Now let me pass."
"Not a fucking chance, limp dick," I say and I watch amused as he takes a step forward until we are standing face to face. What the hell does he think he is going to do?
"I told you to get the fuck out of here. Leave my family alone…I don't want you near Ana or my daughter."
"Your family? Don't make me laugh, Grey! I'm guessing she hasn't told you everything that happened with Carla. The only reason why she is giving you another chance is because she doesn't trust you not to leave with Phoebe. Do her and everyone a favor, Grey and cut your losses. She will never get over what happened and let's face it; you aren't the right man for her."
"Cut my losses?" I laugh. "So that you can take over my place, you mean? That's never going to happen, Kavanagh…never!" I get right up his face and push my chest forward.
"I don't need to take your place" The way he smugly looks at me has the hairs on my neck rising. "Ana has always been in my life. I know everything there is to know about her."
"And yet here you are, looking like shit, on the wrong side of the door!" I smirk.
"Get the hell out of my way!" He bellows and tries to push me aside.
"Look, pencil dick, I've asked you nicely a couple of times, don't make me ask you again!"
"Who the fuck do you think you are? Not even one week ago you threw Ana out of your home. You don't have a place in her life, Grey…you are her connection to Phoebe, that's all there is to it. And if you think she loves you, you are wrong!"
Watching that smugness on his face makes me snap and in seconds I have him pressed against the wall, my hand tightly wrapped around his neck.
"I dare you to say one more word, Kavanagh. I fucking dare you…" It takes all of my will power to not press my fingers tighter around his neck. What keeps me from squishing this motherfucker's neck is the fact that I have a little girl sleeping upstairs and of course my other girl, Ana.
His words are running through my head like crazy. Is he right? Is Ana pretending to love me so that I don't take Fee away from her?
"Not s-so sure an-anymore…are you Grey?" He smirks.
"Give me one good reason not to fucking kill you," I grow and press just a little tighter.
"I am a lawyer," He gasps struggling for breath. "Your ass will go to jail so fast, you won't even know what's happening. And this time, you will go to jail, where you belong!"
"First they will need to find your body. And you know how resourceful I can be, dick face" I finally let him go and walk back to my spot at the door. He is not fucking entering this house.
It takes him a while to recover from his loss of oxygen and I have never been this amused in watching someone suffer.
"Ana can have everyone she wants…she can pick out anyone, so do you really think she will stick with you? Just go away while your dignity is still intact. Ever since you met her you broke her down, instead of building her up again."
"And you think you are man enough for, Ana. Is that what you are telling me?" I chuckle.
"Tell me, dipshit…where were you when Fee was taken? Didn't you get some shitty award from the American Bar Association? If I am not wrong that award is given out to outstanding attorneys. Where the fuck was your outstanding mind then, huh?" I bellow.
"Didn't it ever cross your outstanding mind that there wasn't a birth certificate? Or even a death certificate?" I am yelling now, anger coursing through my veins. "Be a fucking man and own up to your own mistakes, dick head"
"He didn't know" I stiffen when I hear Ana's soft voice from behind me.
"Ana…look, he didn't want me to enter."
"What are you doing here, Ethan. You told me yesterday you were going back to Seattle." I haven't turned around yet, but the sound of Ana's voice is sending chills up my spine.
"I- I forgot…my suitcase…I have files that I need…" I blatantly roll my eyes. Lying motherfucker.
"You said you would have it picked up. What are you really doing here, Ethan?"
"I just want to talk to you for a moment…" He pleads taking a step closer. His eyes drop to Ana's hand that is now slipping into mine. Yeah, she is just not that into you, asshole.
"I said everything I needed to say yesterday, nothing will make me change my mind, Ethan. Besides you're drunk."
"You don't mean that…him? You chose him over me?"
"It was never a matter of choosing the one above the other. Now go."
"He will leave you…" He pulls the glasses from his face and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Have you told him about "The Plan"? When he looks up his eyes are glinting and I am not sure where that is coming from, but I don't like it.
"Go!"
"Have you, Ana?"
"What the hell is wrong with you, Ethan? I thought you were my friend. Please, just go and don't call me."
"I want you to be happy."
"I am happy. Christian and Phoebe make me happy."
A white BMW stops in Ana's driveway and I immediately recognize the blonde woman stepping out as Hannah, Ana's assistant. She looks at the door but proceeds to take out a number of bags from the car. Slowly she walks our way and greets me with a single, curt nod of her head. All the while it seems as if Ana and Ethan are in a staring match.
"Ana? Is everything all right?"
"It will be. Hannah, will you please drive Ethan to the airport and make sure that he gets on the first flight to wherever he wants to go? Ethan's bag is in the yellow guest room, will you make sure he gets that as soon as possible. Send it to him wherever he wants."
"Sure"
Without taking her eyes off Ethan she takes the bags from Hannah. "Thank you, Hannah. I will call you later, okay?"
"Of course"
"Goodbye, Ethan"
The moment she closes the door behind her, she drops the bag and buries her face in her hands.
"I'm sorry…" She says releasing her breath. "I thought that he had flown back to Seattle…"
"Ana, what was he talking about? What is "The Plan"?
Her eyes grow impossibly wide and I see her visibly swallow. "It's stupid…he was trying to…"
"Ana, what was he talking about? Is it true that you are with me because you are afraid I will take Fee away from you?"
"What? No!"
"Then what is the fucking "Plan!" I bellow.
"It was a plan for us to have sex! " She yells back.
Anastasia
Christian's face goes from anger, to hurt to completely horrified.
"It didn't mean anything…" I whisper.
"You planned to have sex?" He whispers completely horrified.
"Well, yes, but seriously Christian, it was so long ago…"
"You've had sex with...with him?" He points at the closed door, his eyes never leaving mine.
"It was just a stupid plan, we were young, and…"
"How old were you?" He growls pulling harshly at his hair.
"Christian, please…"
"Ana, how old were you?"
"Nineteen." I whisper and start biting my lip when I see his hands falling limply to his side. His jaw is clenched and there is this angry vein popping up on his forehead. Shit, he is really angry.
"Was he your first?"
"Christian…"
"Anastasia, was he your fucking first? Did you give him your virginity?"
"Yes." When his hands grip his hair and he starts pulling it again, I gently pull his hands away. I do notice however that he takes a step back.
"It didn't mean anything, Christian. It was just that; a stupid plan…it was nothing extraordinary…"
"Spare me the fucking details, Ana…"He takes another step back.
"I can't fucking believe it." He mutters. "I need to be alone…I'll be at the beach…"
"Christian, please…"
"Ana…I just learned that you had sex with that moronic fucker and it's messing with my head. I need to step away before I say something I'll regret" Even though his tone has softened, his body screams 'stay away from me'. So, I simply nod and take a step back.
Dislike. That's the first word that springs to mind when I look into Evelyn's eyes, my psychiatrist. Yesterday's and today's events told me that I needed Evelyn to deal with this chaos that is now my life. Hence the last minute Skype-session.
I stare back at her impassively through my laptop screen. I've always liked her. From the first moment I met her, she made me feel safe and somewhat normal. With her soft blue eyes and her motherly smile, I always felt at ease with Evelyn. Now, she is simply frustrating me.
"How does that make you feel, Ana?" I growl softly under my breath as the anger courses through my veins. And I don't have to look at her to know that she is leaning back in her comfy chair, waiting for my answer, with slightly raised eyebrows.
"Seriously, Evelyn?"
"Yes, Ana. I want to know how it makes you feel when Phoebe, your daughter pushes you away. Because that's why you called me, right? To discuss these feelings?"
When I finally find the strength to look up, the tears I was trying to keep at bay, spill over my eyelids. Her expression is insistent. She won't give me the answers I need before I answer her question.
"It…it makes me feel inadequate, worthless like I don't belong. I feel like an outsider" I whisper. "I want her to love me, why doesn't she love me, Evelyn?"
Shifting in her chair she leans over her desk and folds her hands together.
"She does love you, Ana…but remember that she is a very little girl…she is confused…"
"But, I'm her mother…and she keeps pushing me away. I love my dad unconditionally…" I don't even mention my mother knowing that my love for her stemmed for a weird place inside my head to be loved by her. Misplaced loyalty is what Evelyn calls it.
She sighs and when we lock eyes I see her eyes swimming with compassion.
"Ana, Phoebe is three years old. Toddlers can be curious and charming, but they are also irrational, self-centered and convinced of their own power. And you can't blame her; her brain is wired differently from ours. In addition, her little safe, protected world has been turned upside down since you entered the picture. Phoebe's world has always revolved around Christian. He is the only parent she knows."
"As for what you just said about loving unconditionally. Children, especially toddlers, don't understand that concept. Their love comes from their dependence on the parents."
Pitifully I nod my head.
"Give her time and space. To me, it seems as if she is afraid you will take her place in. I think she is really afraid you will take Christian away from her."
"Do you think she hates me, Evelyn?"
She gives me a sad smile and shakes her head. "No, I really don't believe she hates you. She is too little to harbor feelings like that. Ana, you do realize that even in normal families kids go through a phase in which they have a preferred parent, right?"
I give her a tiny shrug.
"It's not uncommon for a child to prefer one parent over the other. Mostly it is due to a change in dynamics. She is simply trying to find her footing in this new situation."
"Yeah, but regardless of the reason it still hurts to be rejected, Evelyn"
"Of course it hurts and it is okay to feel hurt when she pushes you away. And it's also okay to tell her how you are feeling. You should spend some quality time with her, take time to get to know each other, work on strengthening your bond, but also, set boundaries. A child, no matter how small, will pick up on your uncertainty and feelings of guilt amazingly fast. They seem to have a sixth sense for it."
"Okay," I whisper.
"How is Christian handling her behavior?"
"He put her in time out this morning, but it broke my heart because I could see that she was so tired and confused by everything. It helped but marginally…I mean we managed to get her to eat something, but then he got into a tiff with her about which bathing suit she was supposed to wear."
She nods knowingly. "If you want we can schedule a session for both of you. I have some tips that can help."
"I'll talk to him about it."
"I have time now," She says glancing at her watch "If he's there he can join us…"
Leaning back in my chair I brush my hands over my face. "He's not here at the moment" I sigh. "He…he's angry," I admit.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She says cocking her head to one side.
"He found out that I gave my virginity to Ethan. To say he isn't happy about it would be the understatement of the freaking century. However, I don't understand why he is so angry. Okay, I mean I do understand why, but it's not as if he didn't know that I wasn't a virgin anymore. Besides, neither was he."
She opens her mouth to respond when she is cut off by Phoebe's voice coming through the baby monitor.
"I need to go," I say jumping to my feet in an instant.
"Call me if you need anything" It's the last thing I hear before I quickly run towards the hallway where the bags that Hannah brought still are and make my way upstairs.
"Daddy?" She calls one last time when she hears me approaching. Taking a deep breath, I tighten my hold around the bags in my hand and enter the bedroom.
"Hi, Fee. How did you sleep?" I ask in a sing-song voice. As I already suspected, I am met with a glare.
"I want my daddy. Where is Daddy?" She pouts.
"Daddy is at the beach taking a walk"
"But I want Daddy." Yes, me too. But we can't always get what we want, little Phoebe.
"Now, let me see what we have here…" Kneeling down on the floor I start pulling items out of the bags until I reach what I was looking for. A decent looking bathing suit.
"I don't want to look!" I am not looking at her right now, but I am positively sure that she is pouting and that she has her little arms crossed over her chest.
"Well, okay. Then you can wait until daddy gets back and you'll have to wear this bathing suit" I pick up the long-sleeved bathing suit from the floor and show it to her. There is a long silence as her eyes dart from my face to the ugly looking bathing suit. It seems like an eternity until she climbs off the bed and walks to where I am sitting on the floor. I stifle a giggle when she takes the ugly bathing suit from my hands with a crinkled nose and throws it on the floor.
"Can I wear this one?" She whispers pointing at a red and white polka dot bathing suit. It is simply adorable and I think Christian would approve.
"Yeah, I think this one is really pretty" I get a silent nod and I almost burst into tears when she places her hands on my face and squeezes gently.
"Can you help me, Ana?"
"Of course," I whisper.
"Look at how pretty you look!" I saw five minutes later.
"I need sunglasses," She says looking at herself in the mirror. "And a sun hat"
"Well, you can borrow mine"
I manage to go to the beach with Phoebe without any more tantrums. She gives me a tiny smile when I give her the little scoops and a little bucket. Offers to help her build a sandcastle is immediately turned down. Apparently Christian can do it better.
This is how Christian finds us one hour later. Phoebe playing with the sand while I am watching idly…hoping that somehow she will allow me to help her.
"Daddy!" She jumps up and runs towards Christian who looks exceptionally hot in his dark blue shorts. He gives her the biggest smile, picks her up and starts walking away from me towards the water. Okay.
I feel like an idiot when I walk towards them. "Hey, can I join you?"
"I am really thirsty, Fee. What about you?"
"Yes! I want lemonade! Ana brought some with her!" Phoebe says and starts running towards the picnic blanket. She looks back at Christian and waves her hands in the air. "Come on, daddy!"
"Christian, please talk to me," I whisper. His hands are clenched into fists and he is scowling horrible. When he relaxes his hand, I think he is going to take me in his arms, but he simply brushes his hand through his hair and shakes his head. Turning around on his heels he leaves me standing alone and hurt.
I have no idea how long I stand there watching Phoebe and Christian sitting on the blanket, laughing and having fun. But I don't think I have ever felt so hurt and rejected before in my life.
I make another attempt and walk slowly to where they are sitting. Christian is showing Phoebe how to build the perfect sandcastle. I watch quietly, hoping they will involve me in their game, but they don't. So after five minutes of being ignored, I walk away. I am now the one that needs space.
Christian
"Keep fucking looking, Taylor!" I yell into the phone. "I want a report every fifteen minutes."
"Yes, sir"
"Where the fuck are you, Ana?" I mutter as I pace her living room. Hours. She has been gone for hours and the only thing we know is that she left in a black Porsche. There is no way to track down her phone since she left it on the counter.
I have no idea how long I've been pacing the living room when I hear the front door open and close. It takes me seconds to walk to the hallway where she is just putting her keys on a little side table. And what the hell is she wearing? It's too short and too revealing! Jesus Christ!
"Where the fuck have you been?"
"He speaks" She mutters. The boring tone of her voice makes the hairs on the back of my neck rise.
"This is not the time for your smart mouth, Ana. I asked you something. Where the fuck were you?"
"Why do you care?" She breezes past me and I am stunned with her petulant behavior. Doesn't she know how worried I've been these last couple of hours? When my legs finally obey, I follow her to the kitchen where I find her standing in front of the refrigerator.
"What do I care?" She shrugs and pours herself a glass of wine. Lazily she walks to the patio leaving me again behind like a fucking idiot.
"Anastasia, so help me God. Answer my fucking question! You have been gone for eight hours! You left without your fucking phone and the guard of this fucking guarded community only told us that he had seen you leave in a black Porsche"
Graciously she slides down on one of the chairs and slowly takes a sip of her wine completely ignoring me.
"How long are you going to keep ignoring me?" Standing in front of her I grab the glass of wine from her hand and place it on the table.
"How does that make you feel, Christian? Is it nice feeling ignored?" She is still not looking at me and in a swift move, she leans down to pick up her glass of wine.
"I told you I needed fucking space! What is it that you don't understand about that? I had just found out that you've had sex with that numb nuts!"
"Do you know what my mother once told me when I asked her why she kept ignoring me for days? She said and I quote: "Ignoring you doesn't mean that I am mad at you. It means that you are just not really important or worth my time"
"I wasn't ignoring you" I repeat slowly. How dare she compare me to her crazy mother?
She huffs and empties the glass of wine. She sighs when she looks at the empty glass in her hand and slowly rises from her chair. Before she can walk away from me, I grab her wrist, but when she pulls her hand back sneering at me, I am horrified.
"Don't fucking touch me"
"Christ, Ana!"
"Don't fucking "Ana" me!" She yells. "I've been dealing with my mother's crap for years and I will certainly not deal with your erratic behavior! I understand the word space like no other, but I am saying this once and I will not say this again; this was the last time you've ignored me and treated me as if I was a piece of shit under your expensive shoe."
"I'm jealous!" I yell back.
"I get that," She says taking a step back. "But you could have told me we would talk later, but no…you ignored me and also fed into Phoebe's behavior." She yanks at the bun on her head. "I understand that she doesn't like me very much right now. But she is three years old! You are thirty-three! I am sorry that your little pathetic male-ego took a hit, but I do have a past and if you think you can't deal with that, I would like to suggest you pack your shit and get the hell out of my house!"
"I can't stand the idea that he touched you! That you shared that with him!"
She leans her head down, her shoulders slumped. He body screams defeat and I don't like it one bit.
"I have been with three men in my life, Christian. How many women have you been with?"
Yeah. So not going there. "That's not the point! Besides, that's different!"
She shakes her head and throws her hands up in the air totally exasperated. Yes. I am being an ass, a hypocrite, but the idea of his hands touching her have my head spinning!
"Why is it different, Christian? It makes me insecure too when I think about your sexual past and I am positively sure it's much more colorful than mine! Look, if you don't think you can get over this then I see no point in discussing this any further."
Tiredly she wipes her hands over her face and takes a deep breath. "I am going to bed"
I am completely at loss and torn when I look at her retreating back. I need to talk to someone before I make this worse because I have no idea how to handle this.
Without giving it a second thought I dial my brother's number.
"You better have one hell of an explanation as to why you are calling me at 2 AM in the fucking morning, bro!" I wince when I glance at my watch.
"How do you deal with jealousy, Ell?"
"Jesus Christ, Christian! Are you out of your fucking mind! Do you know that I need to be at the site in 4 fucking hours?"
"I wouldn't have called you if this weren't important" I sigh.
"I can't fucking believe this…" He mutters. "You have five minutes" He grumbles.
I explain everything to him. From the moment Ethan dropped the bomb until Ana left for bed five minutes ago.
"You are an asshole, bro"
"Yeah, well…tell me something I don't know. Just tell me, Elliot, how do I get past this? How can I get those images of that motherfucker out of my head?"
"Double standards much?"
"Are you telling me that you aren't jealous of Kate's past?"
"We are not talking about me, bro! I am not the one who called you at 2 in the freaking morning!" He sighs and then I hear some movement and a door opening and closing.
"The past is just that, her past. There is nothing she can do to change it. Just like you can't change yours. It's selfish to be jealous and insecure about something she can't control, I mean you have a sexual history too, bro."
I hear him flushing the toilet and wince. "Were you seriously taking a piss while you have me on the phone, Elliot?"
"Shut the fuck up"
"Okay let me ask you this." He says after a beat. "Do you still love her?"
"Of course I fucking love her, idiot!"
"Then if you love her and want to be with her, you will have to accept her past. If you can't accept it it's time to move the fuck on and stop projecting your insecurities on her. It's not fair…she doesn't deserve it."
Moving on is out of the fucking question. I want her and I need her and there is no way I am letting her go.
"Your five minutes are up, man" He yawns. "Oh and one more thing. If you can't handle the truth and let's face it, you can't…don't ask questions. Sometimes it's best not to know too many details"
He hangs up the phone before I have a chance to reply.
It takes me another fifteen minutes to decide whether I am going to sleep in the guestroom or with Ana. Somehow my feet guide me towards her bedroom where I stand at the threshold looking at her sleeping body. She looks so tiny and vulnerable. And I made her feel worse with my stupid behavior. When the fuck will I learn?
I strip down to my boxers and crawl into bed with her. I feel instantly relieved when she turns around and settles her face on my chest and entwines her legs with mine.
"Are you awake?" I whisper against her temple.
"I am now…"
"I am sorry, Ana. I love you…and I am so fucking ashamed of myself."
"I am sorry that you had to hear it from him" She lifts her head and looks at me with sleepy eyes. "But I can't change my past, Christian and neither can you." Sweetly she plants a little kiss on my jaw and settles back down.
"Are we good, Ana? Will you please forgive me?"
"Just don't ignore me like that ever again." She whispers.
"I promise"
She nods against my chest and the anxiety I was feeling not only five minutes ago slowly leaves my body.
"Where have you been?" I ask her. Because damn if I am not curious.
She snorts. "You can't let it go do you?"
"I had a thousand heart attacks when I found out you weren't here. Fee asked for you…"
"She did?"
"Yeah, more than once."
She shrugs. "It was just…I didn't think I would be missed. You made it both very clear that you didn't want me here."
"Ana, that's not true…"
"I went for a drive and then I stopped at McDonald's …and I just sat there in the parking lot thinking about what I should do."
"And what did you decide?"
"That I won't give up. I will never give up. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you" I am glad it's dark in the room because those last words have me grinning like an idiot.
"I did a lot of thinking too" I admit. "We both made mistakes, after all, we are not perfect. But I will do my best to make it up to you. I promise you that I will never hurt you intentionally, Ana. I am just not used to having these strong feelings; I have never loved anyone as fiercely as I love you."
"I love you too very much"
I don't get much sleep. After Ana fell asleep my brain couldn't stop thinking. I shoot Taylor a text asking him to have the jet ready for tomorrow. I also ask him to make an appointment at Cartier. Because if she wants us to spend the rest of our lives together, so do I and I know exactly how to make it happen. Baby steps be damned.
A/N: I'm back! Thank you all so much for your well wishes! You are all so incredibly sweet!
Thank you for your support and for your continued interest in my story.
XOX