Tendo said that he didn't often use the visual that they had on the breach, preferring to rely on his non-visual toys to get a better sense of the enemy. Jazmine had been staring at the visual screen for what seemed like hours. There was nothing to look at, it was essentially a blank screen since the breach wasn't actually open, but still Jazmine stared. It was hard to believe that there, the exact spot she was currently watching, frequently opened up to allow colossal alien monsters passage into their world. It was the kind of stuff you read about in books, or saw in movies. How had that become their life?
Jazmine remembered the last time she'd been sat in the chair she was occupying now. That black screen had lit up like a damn Christmas tree and Mutavore had come charging on through, and had ended up having his ass handed to him by Chuck and his dad.
Chuck. She'd tried not to think about him, but in her experience, the more she tried not to think about something, the more time she spent obsessing over it.
Jazmine was hurt. Of course she was. Despite her better instincts, she'd let him in. What irritated her more than anything was that she'd expected anything different from Chuck fucking Hansen. The guy was notorious for this kind of behaviour, how had she been stupid enough to think that she was any different to the dozens of other girls he'd screwed over?
He'd cited the 'Bigger Picture' as his reason for breaking things off, and to that she called bullshit, she was willing to bet that she'd find him cosying up to some pretty, doe-eyed girl the moment she stepped foot out of her room, but that wasn't the point. The bigger picture was the important thing here. Whether he'd meant it or not, he was right. Jazmine had all but given up on her dream of piloting. What good was a pilot who couldn't hold a neural handshake? But she hadn't been looking at the bigger picture, not really. It wasn't that she couldn't hold a neural handshake, but that she'd been holding on to every possible negative thought she'd ever had, and not only was she holding onto them, but she was refusing to deal with them also. She'd never been able to bring herself to deal with them, so they were just there. Always there, holding her back. The Kaiju didn't care that she wanted to beat her brother within an inch of his life for leaving her behind when she was just sixteen years old, they didn't care that she still had nightmares about Yancy. They weren't going to sit back and wait until she and Raleigh straightened things out.
She had to be the bigger person here. As much as she wanted to scream and shout and hit things with her fists and throw furniture at the walls, she had to grow up.
"What gives, Becket?" Tendo's voice broke through her reverie as he set down a mug in front of her. Coffee. The last time he'd brought her coffee she'd never gotten around to drinking it, what with the impending doom that had come crashing down on them in the shape of Mutavore.
"What do you mean?"
"You've been staring at that monitor for the past twenty minutes. Now, I know that you're easily pleased," he cocked an eyebrow and she resisted the urge to throw one of the dozens of pens that lay littered across his desk at him, "but that is quite literally a blank screen. The breach is closed, there's nothing to look at."
"I was thinking," Jazmine shot back with a glare.
"About Raleigh?"
"Not exactly…"
"About Chuck?"
It was Jazmine's turn to raise an eyebrow. "You know, I never actually told you that there was anything going on between Chuck and me."
"You didn't have to."
Jazmine rolled her eyes. Back before Yancy died, she'd often felt like she had three brothers, not two, when Tendo was around. It was a feeling that hadn't changed amidst the plethora of things that had. "Whatever."
"So, Chuck," Tendo pressed, "Is he—"
"Don't say the word 'boyfriend'. There's nothing going on between us. Not anymore."
Tendo wasn't one for awkward silences, not being the sort of person to ever be at a loss for words, but the silence that followed Jazmine's words was certainly an uncomfortable one. For her, anyway. "You wanna talk about it?" Tendo said eventually, perching on the desk in front of her.
"Nothing to talk about," Jazmine shrugged, "we were sleeping together, and now we're not. End of."
"And that's ok with you?"
Jazmine opened her mouth to tell him that, sure it was ok with her. Why wouldn't it be? She was all set to bottle up her emotions, as was standard, and brush it off with a smile, regardless of her revelation about the 'bigger picture' only moments earlier, only it didn't quite happen as she'd planned. "No, I'm not ok with it. Not at all. Chuck was never a part of my plan, I never meant to care about him, but it happened. I let him in. Not completely but that's still more than can be said for anyone else, right? I let him in and we connected, you know? I mean, sort of. We were only really having sex…lots of it, but I slept with him more than once and I've never done that before, so that's gotta mean something." She hadn't been intending on telling Tendo a damn thing about her situation with Chuck, but she'd started now, she might as well see it through to the end. "Sorry, I'm not very good at, y'know, talking about my feelings and all. I don't really do it a lot, but what I'm getting at here is that I liked him, ok? I liked him, I really did. I really fucking liked him."
"You liked him?" Tendo repeated with the merest hint of a smile.
"Yeah, did I mention that?"
"Once or twice."
"Well, yeah. Anyway, Raleigh came back, cue my emotional breakdown, Chuck tried to help, I shot him down with a low blow about his dad and he ended things. I guess even I'm too fucked up for Chuck Hansen."
"Don't say that, Jaz. You're not fucked up. You're just…" Tendo trailed off helplessly, unable to find the right words.
Jazmine grinned. "Oh, I am, but given the circumstances, the whole end-of-the-world thing, I don't really think it matters."
"It matters, Jazmine," Tendo replied gently, "if you're hurting, it matters."
"Yeah, maybe." She replied lightly. She didn't believe for a second that it mattered, but she didn't want to get into a disagreement with him. She had enough arguments under her belt in that week alone, she didn't need to add Tendo to that list.
Jazmine had somehow forgotten about the long-legged, gorgeous, blonde, would-be supermodel that Chuck had been sleeping with shortly before bedding her. She was beautiful, Jazmine noted sullenly. She bet that the girl had some pretty interesting things to say, as well. It was a hell of a task, keeping Chuck Hansen entertained, and Natalya seemed to handle it pretty well.
"Bigger picture, my ass." Jazmine muttered to herself as she tried her very hardest not to look over at where Chuck and Natalya were shamelessly flirting. Well, they were talking, but it was practically the same thing from where Jazmine was sat. It was abundantly clear to her now. Chuck hadn't broken things off with her because he wanted to focus on his work. He hadn't ended things because he was worried that their 'thing' might compromise Pitfall. He'd done it because he'd wanted to pay a visit to an old friend. A lot of visits, she was willing to bet, to her bed.
It hurt. Boy, did it hurt. She instinctively went to brush it aside, to turn away and squash it down until she couldn't feel it anymore, but she stopped herself. She had to feel it, she had to deal with it. How else would she get over it?
As she watched, bitter to her core, Chuck leaned over and whispered something in Natalya's ear. He pulled back a little to gage her reaction, a small smirk playing on his lips. Perhaps it was her imagination, but she could have sworn he glanced ever so slightly in her direction before leaning in again. Jazmine felt sick. She knew that look all too well, having been the recipient of it too many times before. Why was he doing this? Was he really that pissed off about the comment that she'd made about him and his dad that he was now trying to hurt her? That didn't seem like the Chuck she knew, but then again, did she really know him at all?
Tired of watching Chuck and Natalya eye-fucking one another, Jazmine had left the mess hall in a fearsome mood. It had taken all of her willpower not to march over and smash Chuck's head into the table for his trouble. Asshole, she thought viciously. Absolute fucking asshole.
She'd hidden herself away on the platform overlooking Gipsy Danger. Chuck knew that this was one of her bolt-holes, but she doubted that he'd care enough to come looking for her. He was too busy rediscovering an old toy.
Gipsy Danger. Jazmine was constantly torn between adoring every inch of her, and hating every fibre of her being. She wanted to pilot her, damn it, she wanted to pilot her so fucking badly, and sometimes it felt like Gipsy wouldn't let her. It wasn't the robot's fault, obviously, it was her own, but that didn't stop her from trying to pin the blame elsewhere.
"Jaz?" A horribly familiar voice ripped through her thoughts, dragging her back to the present.
"Raleigh." Jazmine acknowledged him without turning around. "What do you want?"
"Nothing—I didn't know that you'd be up here."
"Well, in that case," Jazmine made to get up, "I'll leave you to it."
"Wait!" He dropped down to the floor and sat beside her. Close enough that it could be considered that they were accompanying one another, but not close enough for Jazmine to reach out and hit him. He learned from experience, it seemed. "I mean, don't leave on my account." He said, quailing under the glare that Jazmine shot in his direction.
"I have nothing to say to you, Raleigh."
"Well I have plenty to say to you. I know that you don't want to hear it but goddammit, Jazmine, we are going to talk about this whether you like it or not."
"What is there to talk about? Yancy died and you left. End of."
"Don't," Raleigh shook his head, "don't do that. Don't pretend like it doesn't bother you."
"So, what if it does?" Jazmine turned to look at him. "What does it matter? Why do you care? It didn't bother you the first time around!"
"That's not fair," Raleigh looked wounded. Good.
"Yeah, you know what else isn't fair? Being abandoned by everyone. Everyone, Raleigh. Mom and dad I could handle, but you and Yance? Now that wasn't fair."
"I am so sorry," Jazmine was startled when his voice shook, threatening to break. Don't cry. Please, for the love of god, please don't cry. If he cried then she would cry too. She was afraid that she'd never stop. "I thought I was protecting you. I was a mess after Yancy died. I could barely put one foot in front of the other. I felt like I was drowning." He paused for a long moment, looking out at his beloved Jaeger. Jazmine had heard him refer to Gipsy as his 'baby' when he'd thought no one else was listening. More than once. "I convinced myself that you'd be better off without me. Yance was more of a parent to you than I ever could have been, messed up or no."
"I didn't need you to be a parent! I didn't even need you to be my brother, I just needed you." She pushed a hand through her hair, willing herself not to cry. She took several deep breaths before continuing. "Was I not good enough, is that what it was? Mom and dad didn't care enough to stick around, Yancy got himself killed and then you fucked off god knows where, so clearly I am the problem here."
"What? No, no, no! Don't you ever say that! Why would you even think that?" He sounded outraged, as if he couldn't even begin the phantom how she had come to that conclusion.
"How could I not?" She turned to face him. He looked how she felt. He looked broken. His eyes were shining with unshed tears. He was fighting to keep his composure but his wavering bottom lip gave him away. He never had been very good at hiding his emotions. "I needed you, Raleigh," Jazmine attempted a smile, which turned out to be more of a grimace, and the tears that she'd been so determined not to cry came falling down her cheeks. "I really fucking needed you."
Raleigh nodded. "I know." Without hesitating, though she wouldn't have blamed him if he had, he pulled her into a hug. He wrapped his arms around her and comforted her as she cried. Her first instinct was to pull away, to reject any comfort that her brother had to offer, but she couldn't quite bring herself to do it. She'd longed for this for what seemed like forever. For the reassurance that she was good enough. That she was loved. For the first time in a long time, she felt…safe.