Twenty six: It wasn't your fault
Plot: Even at twenty two and a decade since losing her innocence, Nell still feels dirty, questioning her role as Bobby Lee's wife and the mother of three children.
Her first daydream started while she and Bobby Lee were teaching their two year son (once again) how to use the potty.
The daydream took her to a familiar marketplace that had updated itself with guards and urging of adults to company their children twelve and under since her and her little sisters' kidnapping years before.
Ricky tugging at her casual pants leg and Bobby Lee shouting excitedly about their son being a big boy let Nell escape from her daydream.
In return, she gave her little boy lots of "Mommy kisses" for a job well done.
Her next daydream came while helping her seven year old twins with their spelling homework.
Elena had the trouble of spelling the word whistle, having Nell shiver inside at the remembering of Jimmy whistling to her at the marketplace.
"Just before he grabbed me," Nell whispered softly to herself, looking up at her daughters who blinked at her.
She knew her mumbling would confuse them, gently patting their heads and coaching them on their recent list of spelling words.
"They've been worried about you today," Bobby Lee muttered later in the day, shaking his head as Nell had gotten herself a glass of wine. "The girls, Ricky—"
"Your buddies?" Nell guessed, pouring him a glass. "Everyone in the castle?"
"Well, yes," Bobby Lee murmured, leading her to their bedroom. "Do you want to talk about it? You know that anything we talk about will never leave this room."
"Thank you," Nell smiled. "I would like to talk about it, but..."
"Helen, in the words of our friend Princess Sandra, what happens here stays here," Bobby Lee repeated what Sandra said whenever someone wanted to tell her a secret, "I won't tell anyone, so don't worry about it."
"I'm so glad you know how to keep this quiet," Nell murmured.
"I know those eyes. Those tense, ashamed eyes," Bobby Lee muttered, gently kissing her hand. "I remember the first time I saw them. You and your sisters had just rescued hours before—"
"I interrupted your chat with your buddies," Nell interrupted in remembrance. "We went into the stables together."
"And you kept putting your hands to your stomach," Bobby Lee muttered, putting down their glasses of wine.
"I knew what he'd done to me," Nell murmured. "I had a feeling."
"I know," Bobby Lee agreed, "We had to go to the hospital right away. I didn't care that my conversation had been interrupted. You are so much more important than a talk about sword fighting."
"I kept having daydreams about that day in the marketplace. One little thing had me stare into space for a moment," Nell sighed, putting her hands to her face. "I couldn't even say how proud I was of Ricky today."
"I think the kisses you gave him did the trick," Bobby Lee grinned, stroking her hair.
"Please can you tell me that day in the hospital?" Nell asked, rubbing the back of her neck. "I just need to get rid of these daydreams. And nightmares."
"Well, we had just rescued you from Jimmy and his family," Bobby Lee remembered. "The first thing we did was take you, Madeline, and Sabrina to the hospital. You insisted that we all stay together while the doctor did his examination."
"I never want to be apart from my sisters again!" Nell cried.
"And you won't," Bobby Lee assured her, "I promise you, Helen, you'll never be apart from them again."
"Then the doctor took us for a moment and had the girls wait right?" Nell guessed in her mind as Bobby Lee squeezed her hand.
"Right," Bobby Lee muttered, seeing her eyes fill with tears. "Helen long have you had the daydreams?"
"All day. And the nightmares for weeks," Nell muttered, sighing to herself softly. "You took the kids away from me, Roland kicked me out and Jimmy found me, forcing me to be his bride."
"Helen, I want to tell you something, and I mean every word," Bobby Lee said firmly, gripping her shoulders tightly. "I love you. I've always loved you, even when I was teasing you when we were kids. When you were missing, I spent every waking minute searching for you and looking at new leads on how to find you, Sabrina, and Madeline." Nell started to speak, but he held up a hand. "I could never take Elena and Gabby away from you. Even though I'm not their real father, I love them as much as if I was. Roland would never kick you out. He understood what had happened to you, and you know he'd do everything in his power to help you recover."
All throughout Bobby Lee's speech, Nell was crying, but her tears had turned to tears of happiness. "Okay, but..."
Bobby Lee put a finger to Nell's lips. "Jimmy could never force you to be his bride, because I would fight him for you, and I'd win."
"Thank you," Nell hiccuped, once she was able to speak again. "But I just feel dirty and I question myself as a wife and as a mom."
"I think you're perfect," Bobby Lee assured her, stroking her hair.
"Thank you again. But when the doctor looked me over and explained to us that I was pregnant, I saw your eyes. I just kept thinking that you just got me back and now you hate me. I'm looking at you right now and I'm thinking that I'm not lucky at being his wife. The mothers that our kids are friends with are older than me and they're jealous. I look at the kids and wonder if they'll just come to hate me one day. I still remember what people said during my pregnancy with Elena and Gabby. All those awful words..." Nell rambled as Bobby Lee shushed her.
"I was surprised when I heard the news that you were pregnant," Bobby Lee admitted. "But at the same time I told myself that the child, or in this case children, you were carrying, would only know me as their father. I'd do anything and everything in my power to make sure that they grow up safe, loved, and accepted by everyone. It doesn't matter what the other mothers think; they don't understand what happened to you, or if they do, they just make comments to make themselves feel superior to you. Our children could never hate you, even if we did tell them what happened. They would understand that what happened was not your fault. The people who made those charming little comments didn't understand or care about what happened. They just said the first thing that came to their minds without any thought whatsoever for your feelings."
"I guess I just couldn't see it for myself. Especially after all we went through," Nell admitted, looking up at him. "Mind if I have my glass of wine before it turns cold?"
"It's already cold from the icebox," Bobby Lee joked, handing her her glass . "Just promise me one thing, Helen."
"What is it?" Nell asked.
"Never doubt yourself again. I've seen you with the girls today, helping with their school work," Bobby Lee grinned as Nell smiled a little.
"It was just a few math problems and spelling lists. I was happy to help," Nell smirked, taking a small sip of wine. "Besides they wouldn't been have able to get it done as early as they did if I haven't."
"You know I could help them with spelling," Bobby Lee assured her, "Sure, I'm not as good as James when it comes to spelling, but Mother always told me that I got better every time I practiced. And I've noticed that Gabby's really good. Even a bloody nose won't stop her from practicing!" Even Nell had to smile at that. She knew that Gabby had been practicing spelling with Bobby Lee last winter, and her nose started bleeding. However, she didn't want to stop practicing, so Bobby Lee had her pinch her nose, and he gave her the words as she nasally spelled them out loud.
"And what about the math?" Nell asked.
"When it comes to math, I'm lucky I can count to ten without taking off my shoes!" Bobby Lee smirked.
"Robert Lee Johnson! You're too much!" Nell laughed, smiling softly. "I'm glad I married you."
"Is that so?" Bobby Lee smiled, kissing her cheek.
"You always knew how to make me feel better whenever I was sad," Nell started, "You supported me through everything that happened to me, Madeline, and Sabrina, and you have become more than a friend to me."
"Well I'm flattered," Bobby Lee smirked, reaching out for his glass of wine. "But I'm glad I could help you."
"And you still do," Nell smiled, giving him a quick peck on the lips. "But I've seen you with the kids recently and I'm amazed with how gentle and loving you are with them. Especially with Ricky and teaching him the potty."
"If you can teach Elena and Gabby how to use the potty, then I can do the same with Ricky," Bobby Lee smirked. He frowned, noticing Nell fiddling with her ring. "Still in doubt of yourself?"
"A little," Nell muttered, hearing little footsteps come into their room as she spotted Ricky dragging Zoomer on the ground. "Hey little guy. Where's your sisters?"
"Night night," Ricky muttered, looking embarrassed.
"You mean they're taking a nap after working so hard?" Bobby Lee asked. Ricky nodded, and Bobby Lee smiled as he pulled him and Zoomer onto his lap. "Good idea! Math really takes a lot out of you!"
"Robert," Nell smirked, then she turned to Ricky. "They'll play with you when they're awake, Ricky. I wanted to tell you again that you did such a good job using the potty! I'm so proud of you!"
"Yay!" Ricky cheered, waving Zoomer around.
"If you're doubting yourself Helen, just look at that little face," Bobby Lee grinned, wrapping an arm around her. "You're sometimes tough on him and he may not understand why but he knows that you love him."
"Mommy!" Ricky giggled, finding himself crawling into Nell's lap before he started to snuggle close to her chest. "Love Mommy!"
At that moment Nell started to cry, her doubts and hopelessness from earlier starting to slowly fade away.
"Mommy sad?" Ricky asked. "Daddy! Why Mommy sad?"
"Those are happy tears, buddy," Bobby Lee smiled, mussing his hair.
"Happy tears?" Ricky asked in confusion.
"Yes! Happy tears!" Nell chuckled, kissing his cheek.
"Mine?" Ricky wondered, seeing the glasses of wine on Nell's vanity.
"Not until you're older, buddy," Bobby Lee chuckled.
"That's right, Zoomer won't like it if you're too tipsy to help him fly," Nell added.
"Okay. Bye bye!" Ricky giggled, slipping off Nell's lap with Zoomer as he ran out of the room.
Nell and Bobby Lee laughed, smiling softly at the little scene before they got their glasses of wine back.
"You're getting better at motherhood," Bobby Lee smirked, putting a hand through her hair. "Not to mention being my wife."
"I've had a few years of practice," Nell smiled. "And like we tell Elena, I take it one day at a time."
"And that's all we can really do," Bobby Lee smiled back.