A/N- My updating spree continues, to my own surprise, and I'm excited to say that this chapter is one I'm really happy to publish, seeing as how I can now return to my preferred writing style. That's all I'll say about it to avoid spoiling anything, but anyway, thanks again for keeping up with this complete mess of a fanfiction! Please read, possibly review, and have a great day!
Disclaimer: I do not, nor will I ever own Red Dead Redemption or any of its characters. The only parts of this story I own are the plot lines that come after the ending of the game as well as my OC characters. The content of this story was not meant to insult anyone in any way, shape or form. Rated T for violence and coarse language.
Chapter Track: Fire and the Flood -Vance Joy
Chapter 26: The Return
In my relatively short life, there have been a great many times that I've been unsure of my situation, my surroundings, even the people closest to me, but I have never once been uncertain of myself. No matter what happened I'd stuck to the decision that I'd made- whether it be running away from home to join Jack at the Marston ranch or choosing to be a bounty hunter in order to stay at his side. As we make the journey back to Fort Mercer, however, I am beginning to understand that I've lost sight of who I am for the very first time in my life. I am still myself but less, and it's becoming clear to me that this loss came about even before Collette was murdered. In fact, I can trace it back to the day I'd helped Nicholas Bates escape from Blackwater. Since becoming involved in his cause, I'd started to shut myself away and I have no idea how or why this happened. And I want me back.
The sun is very close to setting as War and Jack's still unnamed American Standardbred make the journey up the canyon ridge to the plateau where Fort Mercer is located. My legs have begun to chafe, a consequence of being on horseback nearly all day, and Seth seems to be falling asleep behind me. He deserves the rest after what he's been through as a result of his friendship with Jack and me. War follows in the footsteps of Jack's horse, his mane fluttering gently in the cool breeze that blows in from the south, and I feel regret for how hard I've worked him lately. I glance up from the dirt road and stare at Jack's back, wondering if he'll notice and turn around. He doesn't. I regret what I've done to him too, the pain I must have put him through by shutting him out, but now that I've taken on this new persona it's hard to cast it off. Everything I've done, all that I've accomplished, and I have nothing to show for any of it but this neverending wave of remorse. I almost open my mouth to apologize to my significant other, but stop myself when I realize how empty and meaningless the words would be if I spoke them right at this moment. I'm not ready to be myself yet. I might be soon, though, and it's that hope that keeps me going now.
"We're here." Jack calls back once the intimidatingly tall walls of the Fort are in full view, and Seth wakes with a start, "Looks like we're not the first ones back, though."
The expansive double doors to the Fort are wide open and inside I see a crowd of familiar faces surrounding a beautiful girl in tight riding trousers. Marianne, of course. She seems to be relaying the events of the day to her audience at the top of her lungs.
"...of course Wade Johnson made it out alright, the rascal, and nearly everyone else too." I hear her telling Elizabeth as we near the entrance.
"Nearly everyone?" Mrs. Warthington of Warthington ranch repeats in a nervous tone, but Marianne doesn't get a chance to answer. Upon spotting Jack, Seth, and I making our way through the double doors and dismounting, Elizabeth cries out in a manner that I would never have expected from her and runs over to drag me off of my horse by her own strength. I stiffen as her arms wind around my person, both embracing me and propping me up, but slowly the feeling in my hands comes back and I return the gesture.
"I know you were never in that much danger, but everyone was so worried." she whispers into my ear. I turn my head to the side so it fits into her shoulder better (she's so much taller than I am) and shrug indifferently, as if this affection hasn't touched me at all. For some reason I'm still uncomfortable with the idea of letting her know how much I appreciate this.
"SETH, YOU GODDAMNED SON OF A BITCH!" a shrill voice sounds out then and a small but intimidating woman bursts through the ranks of the crowd around Marianne. Despite her obvious anger Seth's wife, Sarah, has a waterfall of tears streaming down her face as she sprints towards her husband. "THAT'S THE LAST TIME YOU SKIP OUT ON ME, Y'HEAR?!"
She collides with him so forcefully that I fully expect him to topple over, but he doesn't. He just holds her as she cries into his chest, smooths down her hair and tells her something in a voice so low that I can't hear him. Elizabeth decides to release me then and I move away from her slowly, still a bit shaky on my feet.
"Y-you're okay." Sarah sobs, and I can't stop staring at her, "I can't believe you're okay."
"I swore it would turn out alright, didn't I?" Seth inquires, smiling, "Of course I'm okay. I was more worried about you, to be honest. Where are the kids?"
His wife lets out an angry huff. "Inside one of them tiny rooms with that damn yappy dog."
"That 'damn yappy dog' is mine, Mrs. Briars, and I'd appreciate it if you were kinder to him." Jack tells the small woman with a teasing grin. And then, more quietly, "I'm happy everythin' worked out for y'all."
Jack has really changed too. He's still got that temper of his and he never could seem to stop using sarcasm as a defense mechanism, but he's almost nice now. Despite every terrible thing that's happened to him, he can look at the Briars and be glad for their good fortune. I think I might love him more for it.
"Marianne," Mrs. Warthington begins again once the hubbub has died down, "What were you sayin' before? Who got hurt back there?"
Seth grimaces, presumably still feeling guilty for Wickers' death, and Sarah notices, stepping away to get a better look at his expression. Marianne is solemn as she speaks, choosing to look down at the ground rather than risk meeting the gaze of anyone who cared for the deputy.
"Wickers. He...he was shot. They couldn't help him."
The mood of her audience immediately turns sour and I can hear quite a few people expressing shock and sorrow at this revelation. I had no idea Wickers was so popular. There's no way around it, I have to say something to these people right now or they won't know what to do with themselves.
"Wh-who's gonna tell his ma?" Mrs. Warthington stutters, looking around at her companions. I pat Seth on the shoulder, wanting to reassure him, before moving through the crowd and coming to a stop beside Marianne. All eyes are on me now, Jack's and Elizabeth's included, and I'm not sure what they expect from me. The only thing I can do is try to make them understand that Wickers' sacrifice wasn't for nothing.
"I know everyone here has given up a lot for this cause of ours." I talk as loudly as I can, wanting to be sure that they really hear this even if they ignore everything else. "And I know that at times it seems a little pointless, but we can't give up now. I myself have lost someone very close to me recently and I'm starting to think I went about grieving for her loss the exact wrong way. I'm beginnin' to understand that what she did for me- for us, shouldn't haunt me like it did. I have to honor her sacrifice better."
As I speak the words, I know them to be true. Many of the people in this congregation are aware of exactly who I'm talking about and their expressions reflect this: pitying, sympathetic, but that's not what I'm looking for. I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me, I need them to understand that they can't lose hope.
"Wickers is gone now and we don't even have a body to show for it." I tell them, my jaw tensing as I feel guilt again, "And for that I'm just...I'm so sorry. But we won't forget him, and we won't forgive the people who took him from us. When Blackwater stands down and lets us be our own Goddamn state, we'll celebrate that victory for him."
"Hear, hear!" a newcomer calls out from the sidelines. I turn in place to see Wade standing just past Seth and Sarah, a half-grin spread across his face. Elizabeth lets out this weird squeak upon seeing him and closes the distance between them before grabbing up his hand. The action seems to surprise even her.
"Nice speech, MacFarlane." Marianne mutters, patting my back a little harder than any sane person would. I throw her a fake glower before returning my attention to Wade and Elizabeth. The crowd around us dissipates somewhat and the people seem a little less upset than they were, which is great news. In addition I now have a clear view of my two friends awkwardly discussing their reunion.
"So…" Wade starts uncertainly, "We're holdin' hands now?"
"Can you be serious for once in your life, please?" Elizabeth reprimands him. He seems properly apologetic when he answers her.
"I'm not sure." he says solemnly, "I don't think I've ever tried."
Elizabeth lets out a giggle, obviously in spite of herself, and even Jack cracks a smile at this. Marianne elbows me lightly in the ribs and jerks her head to the side, gesturing for the two of us to retreat to some other part of the Fort in order to give them some space as Seth and Sarah seem to already be doing. I wave Jack over and the three of us leave together (I'm sure those lovebirds will take care of our horses for us) but not before I hear Elizabeth admitting to Wade that she's glad he made it back unscathed.
Jack and I spend the rest of the evening showing Seth around our base of operations- after he's spent an appropriate amount of time with his children of course. We quickly decide that this Fort, while tactically beneficial, is no place for children to be roaming around in like Adelaide and Lewis have been doing for the past week. We're going to have to figure out someplace else for them to stay.
By nightfall the rest of our prison infiltration team has made it back to the Fort. Juarez takes the time to tell the Wickers family about how their son died, how much he meant to everyone, and I hear secondhand that they've decided to hold a mock funeral for him despite not having his body here. I truly do hope that they'll be able to move past this. In the morning I take Rufus for a walk around the outer wall of the Fort, glad that I'm able to spend some time alone with him at last (Jack's been monopolizing the poor dog since they met up again). He barks happily, his golden fur shimmering a little in direct sunlight as we round the edge of the property. Sometimes I throw sticks I find on the side of the road for him to fetch. Sometimes he stops me in my tracks and begs to be petted. We spend nearly a full hour like this and I truly enjoy it, mostly because with Rufus I don't have to answer difficult questions or constantly make excuses for my bad attitude.
Charlie has returned to the Fort by the time we go back inside and he is excited to share some happy news with me. Apparently he just got back from accompanying the Governor to MacFarlane's Ranch and Nora's given birth to a healthy baby girl. I'm not sure how badly I want to see her but the mention of my family ranch does remind me that there is at least one safe place left that the Briars family could stay at if they desired. I thank Charlie for the message and waste no time sharing this idea of mine with Seth who quickly agrees to making the journey over to Hennigan's Stead. By the time his wife and children are all packed up and ready to go, Jack and James have found me and are insisting on coming along. What's more, Jack wants to bring Rufus and leave him with my aunt, expressing worry for the dog's safety if he stays here with us, and I agree. The poor Lab's lived this long, I can't have him dying on us now. The seven of us, and Rufus, depart for my family home before noon.
I hitch War to the post outside of the foreman's office, making sure to pat down his mane before helping Adelaide down from where she's seated on top of his saddle. The others are already following suit, Jack carrying five-year old Lewis rather than risking letting him clamber down from the back of a horse. We're here at MacFarlane's Ranch again, a place I know better than almost any other, and yet the entire farm looks a little unfamiliar to me. There are fewer people here and I know that can't be because they've all decided to join the rebels at Fort Mercer; I would definitely have noticed them being there. Has the ranch fallen on hard times?
"Miss MacFarlane!" Amos calls, coming down the main road just as we've gathered our bearings, "You came home! Are you here to see the baby?"
I greet him with a forced smile, but ignore his inquiry. "It's good to see you, Amos. What happened to this place, where is everyone?"
He glances anxiously between the newcomers before shrugging as if it's an unimportant matter.
"When we all heard about that Lucy-Tonya boat goin' down, a lot of 'em decided to go back home to their families. They kept sayin' there's gonna be a war on soon, but we kinda already have some fightin' goin' on right now, don't we? I stayed, though, I don't really have anywhere else to go."
"We'll we're here now." Seth supplies from behind me, "Sarah and I came to help you out."
Jack lets out an irate huff. "Don't lie to the man. They're here for their own safety, Amos. Do you have the room for them?"
The Briars kids are getting a little restless now, kicking at each other as well as they can with their mother holding them close to her, and Amos seems wary as he takes note of this.
"I don't rightly know," he admits, and then nods towards the main house, "Why don't y'all go in and ask Miss Bonnie?"
Despite my best efforts to hide myself, I am pushed to the front of the seven-person (and Rufus) crowd that stands on the porch that wraps around my grandfather's house. I knock on the door hesitantly, not exactly excited about the prospect of seeing my family again. It's harder to pretend that I'm okay around them. Aunt Bonnie sees through me so easily.
Our eyes meet as she opens the door and in a split-second my thoughts turn to God.
"Effie!" I hear my aunt call my name as she pulls me in for a hug so tight that I can't breathe. She's still speaking as she suffocates me, but I can no longer make out the words. I am so fixated on this sudden reappearance religion seems to have made in my mind that I am oblivious to nearly all other things. God and Jesus and everything else I'd ever been taught of Christianity while growing up had been dead to me for such a long time that remembering them this way is almost...painful. How could He let someone as pious and kindhearted as Collette die? Why haven't I considered this before?
"Effie?" the sound of my name swims through the ocean of thoughts I am drowning in, "Sweetheart, are you listenin'?"
I shake my head on instinct, trying to clear my brain, and meet my aunt's gaze with unfocused eyes. She stares at me with her brows furrowed before posing a question to Jack.
"What's wrong with her?"
He makes a gesture that suggests uncertainty, but offers up no answers. To Aunt Bonnie's evident surprise, it is James who responds to her inquiry.
"She's been lost for a while now, Miss MacFarlane. I think she's starting to find her way back."
This answer is as annoying as it is vague and for a moment my aunt looks like she'd like nothing more than to wallop the person who'd given it to her, but then she gets an eyeful of James and seems to recognize him. Her expression softens, the anger disappearing from her gaze entirely.
"James Weber, right?" she asks him, and he nods, "I was...I was invited to your wedding by your late wife. I'm real sorry for your loss, Mr. Weber."
He doesn't seem at all bothered by the mention of Collette. "Thank you, but you don't have to be so formal. Call me James."
The way he is so nonchalant about her death seems to shock nearly everyone around him, other than myself. Having had previous exposure to his oddity, this seems to me like a perfectly normal way for him to react. Aunt Bonnie tries to brush past this with as little awkwardness as possible and invites all of us inside, mentioning that Grandpa Drew is taking the cows out to pasture as we- Rufus excluded since he remains outside- seat ourselves on various pieces of furniture inside the living room.
"Where's Governor Bates?" I find my voice as I notice his absence. For some reason my aunt seems insulted by what I've just said.
"Aren't you even gonna say hi? Straight to business, is it?"
"Sorry." I say immediately, a knee-jerk reaction to being accused. It doesn't seem to mollify her in the least and, predictably, Jack rushes to my defense.
"She doesn't mean anythin' by it, Miss MacFarlane. She's still havin' a rough time with...some things."
What kind of benevolent God allows a madman to take charge of an entire state? How can He justify the murder of one of the best people this stupid planet had to offer? How is it that I continue to believe in some sort of divine existence when none of this makes any sense?
"Mr. Bates is in one of the cabins out back with his wife." Aunt Bonnie goes on when it's clear that I can't give her a satisfactory answer, "Y'all can go visit them if you like, that baby of theirs is a real darling."
"Actually, Miss MacFarlane, my family's come here to ask you for asylum." Seth changes the topic from where he's seated on the coffee table with Adelaide in his lap. Sarah is on the couch in front of him, holding Lewis tight to her chest in an effort to keep him from messing around, most likely.
"Asylum?" my aunt repeats the word, her eyebrows raised.
"Yes ma'am. I ain't sure if anyone's told you, but I'm currently on the run from some stuffy government types and I don't think Fort Mercer is the safest place for my family."
My aunt, the only person in the room who's standing upright, folds her arms across her chest and shifts her weight to one leg.
"So you wanna stay here? Seriously?"
"We won't be any trouble!" Sarah assures her, doing her utmost to keep Lewis from wriggling free, "The children are a bit of a handful but they're obedient enough."
"Well we do have a good deal of free space, seein' as how so many of our ranch hands seem to have disappeared overnight." Aunt Bonnie sighs, "I don't see why not. Besides, Pa and I could use the help, if you're willin'."
Sarah agrees at once. "Of course."
"We'll earn our keep, God's honest truth." Seth adds, placing a hand over the left side of his chest. My poor aunt, who is not yet used to these theatrics of his, presses her lips together and forces herself to nod along. Suddenly I find that I just can't sit here and watch this happy family scene unfold in front of me any longer. It's so blatantly obvious, how little I belong here now. I can't focus. With shaking hands I push myself out of the armchair I'd settled down in just a few minutes earlier and walk swiftly over to my aunt.
"Thanks for takin' them in, Aunt Bonnie." I do what I can to keep my voice steady, "I'm gonna go check on the Governor now, I'll be back in a bit."
I move past her before she can so much as call out my name and take the steps down from the porch two at a time in my hurry to get away from all of them. They're okay. So much has happened and all of them- even Jack, even James- have taken it in stride, but I can't. What's wrong with me that I can't do what they've done?
It seems that my aunt, who apparently has no understanding of the word 'irony', has set up the Bates family in the cabin that Mr. Marston had once temporarily resided in. I push open the door as slowly as I am able, having heard that babies respond to excessive noise by crying as loudly as they possibly can. Through the tiny crack in the doorway I see Nora lying in bed, covered in a thick blanket, and holding an infant bundled in green cloth. The Governor is sitting at the foot of said bed, wearing an expression that I've never seen on his face before and speaking softly to them both. They seem so at peace that I'm reluctant to enter the room and ruin it for them. I turn away, deciding to leave them be, but Nora notices the movement and looks up from her baby.
"Effie, is that you?" she asks, sounding happy enough. I deliberate internally for a moment before spinning back around and sliding through the door.
"Hey, Nora. How are you feeling?"
"Pretty good, considering how Felicity shoved her way out of me two weeks early." she tells me as I close the door behind me.
I raise an eyebrow, curious. "Felicity?"
"It means happiness," Nora is smiling down at the baby again now, "Because she's our happiness. Aren't you, Felicity?"
She coos at the baby and it makes little sniffling noises. Felicity is actually pretty cute. From what I can see, still standing by the door, she's got her father's sandy hair and her mother's tiny button nose. Somehow, looking at her makes it a little easier to trust that God isn't a vengeful being that is hell-bent on making me suffer.
"You could come a little closer, Effie." the Governor offers, speaking to me for the first time, "She doesn't bite. Babies don't have any teeth, you know."
"Very funny." I quip. Hesitantly, I move forward until I am standing at the edge of the bed. Nora beams at me as if we're a great deal more than mere acquaintances and reaches across the sheets to take my hand in hers.
"Leigh Johnson stopped by to tell us that your mission was a success." the Governor says in a subdued tone, "I heard that you...that you lost Wickers. I'm truly sorry you had to witness that Effie, it was never my intention to put you through that again."
"In case my husband hasn't mentioned it recently, he really appreciates everything you've done for the state." Nora speaks up before I can ask the Governor what he meant by using the word 'again', "It can't be easy on a young lady like yourself."
"I'm fine, really." I say, pulling my hand out of her grasp as carefully as I can. Bates notices the motion, as observant as he is, and stands up slowly. He takes me gently by the crook of my elbow and guides me across the small but crowded space until we are far enough from his wife that he can pretend our conversation is private.
"What's going on, Governor?" I ask nervously, lowering my voice and glancing back over to where Nora has resumed cooing at her newborn. He smooths down his hair with his right hand, the aging lines between his brows becoming pronounced as he frowns.
"I've been wanting to...to thank you." he starts, sounding even more strained than me. I wave away the notion, having heard enough expressions of thanks from various people to last me a lifetime.
"That's not necessary-"
"Of course it's necessary! Effie, you're sixteen years old! Do you even realize how much more you've been through than everyone else your age?"
I give him an incredulous look. "I don't see what my age has to do with anythin'. Are you suggesting that I quit?"
"Quit?" he tilts his head to the side, bemused, and now both of us are speaking at a normal volume, "We'd be lost without you! A great number of New Austin's people look to you for leadership and guidance- I saw that and I selfishly sought to cultivate it. I'm trying to tell you that I now think I made a mistake."
It's obvious that he honestly believes in what he is saying, believes in it so fervently that he's willing to upset me to make sure that I hear him. Perhaps it was the birth of his daughter, perhaps it was something else, but he's changed his mind about having me work with him. I'm sure he's just as aware as I am, however, that it's too late for me to change the trajectory of my fate.
"I wanted to thank you, Effie." he reiterates, "But I also wanted to apologize. Both you and Jack would have been much better off, had we never met. I am truly and deeply sorry."
There's so much I want to say to him, so many possible ways I could refute this suggestion that he is to blame for this unhappy series of events that have plagued me, that for a moment I am unable to speak. He wants me to forgive him, but there is nothing for me to forgive. At least, not where he's concerned.
"Governor, I don't care how this looks to anyone." I say, knowing the words to be true as I speak them aloud, "I don't regret anything I've done with you. You were right when you told me that we're workin' towards the greater good and it's something I'm willing to fight for."
He seems awestruck but pleased, and this tells me that I've said the right thing. As wrapped up in this discussion as I am, I don't notice that Jack has entered the room until he coughs to let us know he's here. I spin around, worried that he's heard me. Those thoughts of mine aren't exactly something I'm willing to share with everyone.
"I-I just came to see if Effie was alright." Jack stammers, a little flushed, and this skittishness of his lets me know that he has indeed overheard us. He glances around the room until his eyes land on Nora Bates and Felicity, "Oh, right, almost forgot about the baby. She's a little smaller than normal, huh?"
"You almost forgot about the baby?" Governor Bates repeats, looking scandalized, but Nora rolls her eyes and moves past the statement.
"She might seem small, but she nearly killed me on her way out. Do you want to hold her?"
It's clear that the notion of holding a baby makes Jack nervous, but he still nods and walks over to the bed. I can't tear my gaze away from him as he reaches out to take the baby, though I desperately want to. I don't even know why. Something in me is just screaming at me to not watch.
"I had a baby sister once, but I was too young to hold her when she was born." Jack comments idly as he takes the small bundle into his arms. I can sense a strange and foreign warmth filling my body as I see how gentle he is with Felicity, how tender. He would make a good father.
And then something is snapping inside of me as it begins to dawn on me that he was right. Jack was right. He was so, so right and I was so fucking wrong that I feel like I've been gut-punched. My breathing starts to come out in shudders and what feels like ice floods through my legs. I want to run, but I can't move. I want to scream, but I've lost my voice.
I can see a future again.
"Effie?" the Governor's hand is on my shoulder, shaking me gently, "Are you feeling unwell?"
His touch is warm and it tethers my body here, but my mind is completely gone. It's almost as if I've been submerged in freezing cold water for days on end, numb and unable to breathe until this moment. It feels like I'm coming up for air.
I turn to the Governor and shake my head just once. No. Unwell is the wrong word for how I'm feeling, but well wouldn't be the right word either. Leaving the room is the fastest and simplest thing I could possibly do right now so I do it, refusing to so much as glance in Jack's direction as I go. Only when I'm away from all of them can I breathe easily again. I don't need a psychologist to understand that this unexpected return to the light that I'm experiencing now has been a long time coming- I might be able to fend it off for a while if I try, but it won't ever really go away. Like that one Greek myth about the Hydra that grew multiple heads for each one that was severed, hope springs eternal.
Carefully, I trod over to the other side of the road. I'm standing outside the barn now, staring at my hands as they tremble against where I've pressed them to my chest. I'm so terrified right now that it would be clear to anyone with eyes that I'm having a panic attack. Luckily for me there's no one around to witness my demise other than Rufus. He bounds forward, his tongue sticking out of his mouth at an angle, and presses his head to my palm upon reaching me. Suddenly I'm very sure that there is proof of God's existence in the way people regard their loved ones with all the kindness and warmth in the world. There is proof, also, in the wide-eyed and joyous way Rufus is watching me now. I'm remembering something I thought I'd forgotten as I kneel down to run my fingers through his fur. Collette loved me. She loved me and I loved her, that was real and it won't go away just because she did. Maybe James was onto something when he told me she was still with him.
Rufus reaches up with his snout to snuffle against my face, and as he does so I feel something warm and wet on my cheeks. Tears. Apparently I've been crying without knowing it, and the evidence is glistening on this poor dog's fur. I've been hurting everyone around me so much these past few months. I was so cruel to Wade when he tried to help me- I never even thanked Elizabeth for taking a leave of absence from medical school to join us at Fort Mercer. My silent tears slowly become breathy sobs, muffled only by Rufus's body pressed against my mouth.
"Effie?" Jack calls out from behind me. I don't have to turn around to know that it's him, of course he came after me. He always comes after me. But I don't want to look at him because it was seeing him holding that child that made me realize we still have a future.
When it becomes apparent to both of us that I don't have it in me to turn towards him by myself, he puts his hands on my shoulders and physically tears me away from Rufus. He spins me around to face him slowly and doesn't seem surprised to see me crying. His dark eyes peer into mine- gauging, worried- as he rubs the pad of his thumb across my cheek to wipe away a few tears.
"What happened to you?"
How can I explain it to him, this epiphany of mine? This newfound realization that the world has not collapsed inward under the combined weight of the souls it carries? Maybe I can be more like the Earth, if I try. Maybe I can persevere. What I can't do, however, is explain any of this to this man whom I love, so I say the next best thing.
"I'm sorry!" I force out the words in between gasps of air, "I'm s-so sorry, Jack! I'm sorry, I'm s-sorry, I'm sorry, I'm-"
"What on Earth have you got to apologize for?" he interjects. I'm crying so much that it's getting hard to make my sentences coherent.
"I was so awful to you, and to Wade and...why was it so hard for me to understand!? I thought I was keepin' it together when I was just pushing you away and I am so fucking sorry-"
Without hesitation, without asking me to clarify further, Jack pulls me into his chest and cradles my head against his body just as softly as he'd cradled that little girl. I sob into his shirt, soaking it through, but this only serves to make him hold me more tightly.
"You haven't done anythin' wrong." he murmurs, and I can feel his chin pressing into the top of my head, "And if you do, we'll forgive you. No one is mad at you for lashing out when you were hurtin', I swear."
I don't know if I believe him but the way the pounding of my heart grows calmer as he speaks lets me know that he has, at the very least, succeeded in his attempt to soothe me. I love him, and for the first time in months I remember what that feels like. He presses a quick kiss to my forehead and I screw my eyes shut out of habit. I get up on the tips of my toes before he can move away and throw my arms around his neck, ram my lips into his with enough strength to send him reeling backwards. He holds on to me, though, and reciprocates, lifting me off the ground a little to make sure we don't break apart. When he finally pulls away, I feel that I am myself enough to smile widely at him despite the tears still streaming down my face.
"I'm back." I say then. He's grinning just slightly as he bends down a little to rest his forehead against mine.
"Welcome home."