A/N: No excuse for how late this is…I just royally suck. Anyway, this is a continuation of Bella's point of view.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.

Chapter 26

BPOV

Damn hormones!

Damn my uterus for betraying me!

It wasn't supposed to happen this way—none of it. Edward and Alice weren't supposed to be by my side. Esme, Carlisle and Rose weren't supposed to be there coaching me on…I wasn't supposed to deliver my baby in a fucking bathtub!

I was supposed to be in the hospital surrounded by doctors and drugs and people who couldn't give a guck about me…Not here in Edward's home, surrounded by his family. The same people who accept me and continue to support me when it's so obvious that I don't deserve it. Hell, look at what I've done…I've ruined their Christmas. No one has expressed to me that I did such a thing, I mean I couldn't help that I went in to labor, but I also can't help feeling that I put a damper on their holiday.

The hardest thing has been being so close to my daughter and the emotions that come along with it. I haven't held her outside of breast feeding. A part of me feels horrible that I can't bring myself to bond with her like a mother should—I think it hurts worse that everyone is so happy about her finally being here…and I can't celebrate with them.

The first time Edward brought her upstairs and asked me if I could breastfeed her I wanted to turn him away. I realized that until this storm passed I had no choice. I couldn't let her starve. Esme helped me, showing me what to do. I didn't look at her at all that first time. The second time I was a little less tense. I didn't need coaching and Esme left me alone to feed the baby in peace. It was weird, I hadn't been alone with her and I felt I would hurt her in some way. And then I took a chance and looked at her…Really looked at her. Her hair is jet black and curly, her skin light but with a hint of color, from the darkness of her ears I can tell she'll potentially grow darker. She slept the whole time and for that I was grateful. I didn't know if I could take looking into her eyes.

The next few times I fed her I was more at ease. I ran my fingers through her soft hair and noted the subtle changes in her from the previous times I saw her over the hours. There's no doubt, she's a doll. How could I have ever hated someone so pure, so perfect? Before Esme came back to take her away I inspected her body. I counted all of her fingers and toes just to make sure everything was in its rightful place. I noticed she had a small birthmark on her right hip…I have one there also.

She whimpered and opened her eyes as I swaddled her. Her black orbs stared up at me in wonder. How was I supposed to feel? My child was a stranger to me…I can't look at her without wanting to cry, and not in happiness. In complete anguish. I really fucked up and I'm paying for it now.

Esme collected the baby and left me alone.

Alice peeked in and when she saw that I was awake she came to lay down with me in bed. "Hey beautiful. How are you feeling?"

"Like a peach." I mumble.

"You look better. Can I get you anything? Food, something to drink?"

"I don't think I would be able to keep anything down. I actually really want to take a shower. Can you help me to the bathroom?"

"Sure."

She was more than happy to help me into the bathroom. I was still very sore, but honestly it's not as bad as I thought it would be. My vagina will be out of commission for a while.

The hot water beat down on my skin—unfortunately it doesn't help to calm me.

What am I going to do?

I didn't realize I was crying until Alice was helping me out of the shower. She helped me get situated then put me back in bed. I noticed she had changed the sheets and pillowcases.

"Talk to me Bella. What's going on in your head?"

"This is all so fucked up." I cried wiping at my eyes.

"It's not."

"Yes it is…Don't try to tell me it's not."

"Help me understand then. I'm trying to be here for you."

"Why?" I look at her.

"Because you need me, Bella. You're my sister no matter what. You can tell me anything, I would never judge you." Her eyes are sincere. Her tiny hand gripped my arm as I tried to steady my erratic emotions enough to tell her what I know she wants to hear, and what I have to get off my chest. I was going to reveal things to Alice that I couldn't to anyone else. It scares me shitless, but I have to do it. At least for my own sanity.

"I'm damaged goods and now I have to live with this regret for the rest of my life?" I replied calmly.

"What regret?"

"Everything. My life, my baby…Being here. All of it."

"Tell me." She pushed.

"I was eight when it started. After Gran died, I had to go live with Renee, Phil, and his son. Three monsters who took sick pleasure in hurting me. I was beaten and raped repeatedly for years until I got out." I chance a glance in her direction and I'm relieved to see she doesn't look disgusted by me. Her eyes are glistening with unshed tears…I've only ever seen her look this sad when I told her that I wanted to leave.

It breaks my heart but I continue.

"I was too young to even understand what was going on. They hated me so much and I never knew why…It hurt so much and no one would help me. Renee didn't give a fuck! All I wanted was my mom and all she wanted was Phil. When they died, I ran away from the orphanage because I was afraid they would send me to people who would hurt me more..."

We sat in silence for a while, her processing my words and me trying to breathe through the pain both physically and mentally.

"Do you have any other family? What about your real father? Where is he?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Renee was an only child. As far as my real father is concerned I don't know who he is. All I have is his last name, that's it. Renee was a whore and got pregnant from a one night stand on her sixteenth birthday. I guess I've just continued the cycle except Renee actually knew the name of the man she slept with."

"Don't compare yourself to her Bella, it's not the same."

"Yes it is. My baby deserves so much more than this life I've brought her into. I don't want her to suffer because I was stupid…That's why I didn't go through with an adoption sooner because I'm terrified that she'll end up in a home with a guy like Phil..."

"She doesn't have to," Alice jumped in effectively cutting me off, "you're her mother and you're not alone."

But I am…More than she'll ever know.

"Oh really? So having a strangers baby that I conceived during drunk sex is normal? Fucking men for money is normal? I'm the biggest screw up of the century!"

"You're just overwhelmed right now. Try to calm down."

I feel like I'm hyperventilating…And then I see Rose standing in the door way holding the small bundle to her chest.

"She's hungry." Rose sniffled…She must have witnessed my breakdown.

This time I wasn't hesitant to take the baby from her arms as she handed her to me. How could something so beautiful come from me and this stranger? She looks different from the last time I saw her, then again I didn't want to look at her before.

Rose sat next to Alice on my bed and they both stared at me. I pull my breast out and the baby latched on immediately.

"Wow."

"What's up with everyone and their fascination with my boobs today?"

Alice snickered. "It's not your boobs, it's how easy it is for you to nurture her this way. Breastfeeding is the best way to bond with your baby."

Yeah, but I don't want to become too attached.

After feeding and burping the baby, I pass her back to Rose who left Alice and me alone again. The little pixie cuddled up beside me and stroked my hair as I tried to relax.

"Do you think Rose and Emmett would want her?" I ask her.

"I don't know."

"Well, if they want her they can have her." I know Rose and Emmett have been trying for a baby and haven't been successful. If they take my baby, she can fill that void I know Rose is feeling.

"I'm not sure that's what Edward wants."

"Edward?" I sit up to look at her. She shied away from me.

"I shouldn't be saying anything but we all know I can't hold a secret. Bella, Edward is in love with you and even more in love with your baby. I think he wants to keep her."

He's in love with me...That complicates things.

"Edward wants her?"

"He hasn't let her out of his sight. The spark in his eyes when she's in his arms is just incredible."

Wow…That's shocking.

"Why hasn't he said anything to me about it?"

"I think he doesn't know how. You've made it clear that you don't want your baby, well Edward does. But he also wants you. Can you understand how hard of a choice that is for him?"

This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I didn't want him to fall in love with me. The baby is different, but I didn't want him to expect anything from me…And now I know he does.

"I think it would be better if I left." I say.

"That's a stupid idea."

"Stupid, but necessary."

Alice grabbed my hand. "Bella, you leaving will only make things worse."

"Stop trying to talk me out of this because I have already made up my mind. I have to leave; it's for the best."

"It's the best for you but what about us? Me, Edward, our family? Your baby?"

"You all will go on with your perfect lives and forget about me. I won't bring anything but unhappiness and pain into your family, into my baby's life...I would be much more of a horrible person if I did that to you guys. I'll never be what you and Edward want me to be."

I'm so tired…I'm so fucking tired.

"You should rest. I'll come back and check on you later."

When she left I started to panic again. It feels like the walls are closing on me…

Damn it, I need to get out of here.

I'm awakened periodically through the night to feed the baby. Each time they bring her in I realize just how unprepared I am for motherhood. I can't imagine doing this everyday—waking up when the baby cries throughout the night, feeding her, trying to soothe her when that doesn't work…I can't do this,

I wake up later the next morning feeling as if I hadn't slept much at all. A small hand gripped mine, and I looked over to see Alice staring at me.

"Alice?"

"Yes?"

"Please don't hate me." I whisper.

"I could never hate you, but why do I feel like you are going to do something you shouldn't?"

I don't say anything. I can't really. She knows how I feel even if she doesn't want to admit it to herself.

"Bella don't do anything stupid."

If only it were that simple.

"It's a little late for that one pixie."

She sat up on the bed and faced me, a look of determination etched into her features. "I don't know what's going on with you but I swear if you hurt Edward, I don't care that you just shot a baby out of your vagina, I will kick your ass...Got it?"

You know what? I wouldn't put it past her.

"Got it."

I guess I better prepare for that ass kicking.

A/N: I know this took forever for me to write and it's rushed and not really that good. I didn't want to not add anything since it's been what, two months? I know some of you are reading my other story Rebound, but if you still want to read this too I'll continue to add when I can. Writers block really sucks.

Let me know what you guys think though.