There are times when having a photographic memory is more of a burden than a gift, times when the ability to recall an entire conversation word-for-word causes more pain than that skill could ever make up for in convenience, and Zack was experiencing one of those moments.
Sighing, he wiped his good hand down his face, as if the pressure of his fingertips against his eyelids might somehow purge the image from his mind. His hand paused only briefly at the spot on his forehead where the bandage had been removed. He'd been told that the gash was already healing over, that there was already a layer of healthy new skin taking over the spot where the stitches had been sown in, but at the moment, he just didn't give a damn. All he could see was the image of Katya's back as she walked away from him. He hadn't been able to see her face, but he knew that there had been pain there. He could tell from the way her hands had shaken, from the way her knuckles had turned white as she'd gripped the doorknob, from the way her shoulders had slumped when she'd said goodbye.
I fell in love with the person you let yourself be before you remembered that you were supposed to be someone else . . . I see now that I was mistaken, and I hope that I haven't been too much of an inconvenience for you . . . With a groan, he turned his head to face the opposite wall.
It was for the best, he knew. He'd already caused Katya immeasurable pain, and now that he was out of her life, he couldn't hurt her anymore. At least that was what he kept telling himself, but somehow, it just didn't seem right. Something tugged at the back of his mind, and some inner voice whispered that, this time, he'd done it all wrong.
And the gut-wrenching pain in his chest wasn't helping.
You wanted her to stay, came the voice. You wanted her to stay but you sent her away because-
With an oath, Zack pushed the voice from his mind. He didn't want to think about it, didn't want to know where the course of his thoughts might lead him, so he did the only thing he could think to do. He rang for the nurse and asked for enough sedatives to knock him out for several hours.
Max was standing at the window, gazing in through the glass at her brother, when he found her. He knew that she'd heard him coming. Even if her sensitive hearing had missed the soft tread of his footsteps, the sound of the exoskeleton was hard to ignore in the silent hallway. As he came closer, she turned to offer him a half-smile, but he surprised her by stepping behind her, rather than beside of her, and reached down to embrace her from behind.
Within the circle of his arms, he felt her jump and begin to pull away, and for an instant, he thought he'd bumped her shoulder, but then he heard her sigh as she relaxed and leaned back into his embrace. Habitual reaction, he realized after a moment. Max had been so used to avoiding any contact between them that now, even though the virus was no more than a memory, she still panicked for a moment whenever he touched her.
She'd get used to it soon, he supposed, because when all this was over, Logan planned on touching her quite a bit.
Calm down, Max told herself, feeling like a fool. The virus was gone, over with, but she had still experienced that moment of sheer terror when Logan had touched her. Images flashed through her mind. Logan falling to the floor, convulsions already setting in as she'd tried to comfort him . . . letting go when she'd learned what was happening . . . watching Logan in the hospital, motionless and silent as the doctors clamored around him . . . praying in the chapel . . . her relief when Asha came to tell her that it was only the chicken pox.
Sighing, she let herself lean deeper into his arms. He felt wonderful, better than wonderful, actually. It had been far too long since she's been able to hold his hand, or touch the stubble on his face, or run her fingers through his hair or . . .
Down, girl!
"Hey." Taking a calming breath, she turned her head to the side to peer up over her shoulder at him, a teasing light in her brown eyes. "I know you. Mr. Eastman, right?" Leaning forward, he nuzzled her cheek with his nose and hid a small smile when she turned in his arms and met his lips halfway. It took every last bit of will power that he had left to pull away a moment later, but when he did, he saw his own thoughts reflected in Max's eyes. There would be more later, but this was neither the time nor the place for that.
He gazed at her for a moment, studying the familiar curves of her face. Raising one hand, he cupped her jaw and traced some of those curves with the pad of his thumb. The memories of the night before were still too fresh in his mind. The sight of Katya helping her through the door, mostly too weak to hold herself up, her shoulder covered in bloody bandages . . . Mentally, he shook the image from his mind. "How are you feeling?"
He was remembering last night, Max noted. She could tell from the look in his eyes.
"Pretty well, considering." She shrugged with her good shoulder, trying to downplay the seriousness of the night before. The corner of her mouth tilted up in wry amusement. "This really isn't a good year for me and bullets, you know?" She sighed quietly as she felt his arms tighten around her. Closing his eyes against the memories, he leaned over to kiss her forehead.
"How is he?" he asked after a moment.
Turning to glance in through the window, he could see that Zack was still asleep. The bandage that had covered his brow was gone now, and the ugly bruise around his eye was almost completely faded. They'd never bothered to put an actual cast on his arm, he noticed. It would have been a waste anyway.
"He's okay," Max answered, her gaze following his. "His bones are healing, and Dr. Carr says he's going to let him go tonight." Looking up at him, she laid her hands on his shoulders and smiled. "He remembers, Logan. It's over."
Logan could see the relief in her eyes, and he understood. He'd seen her make that decision before, when she'd been forced to choose between the two of them, and he'd hated to see the pain in her eyes when she'd made it.
And he hadn't even been able to take her hand to comfort her.
Looking down at her now, at the peace in her eyes, at the smile on her lips, every thought seemed to fly right out of his mind. God, but she's beautiful. So beautiful that at that moment, if he didn't breathe automatically, he knew he'd have forgotten how to perform the process all-together. All he could think was how amazing she was, how good she felt in his arms, how much he'd missed touching her. Glancing down the hall in both directions, he threw caution to the wind and lowered his head for a brief kiss.
At least, Logan had intended it to be a short, sweet kiss. A hospital corridor wasn't exactly the perfect place for a romantic interlude, but the instant their lips met, his stomach clinched, his arms tightened around her, and he couldn't seem to let go. Every thought flew right out of his head when she wound one arm around his neck. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest, hear the blood rushing in his ears . . .
"Oh God, not again. Don't you two ever take a bathroom break?" He felt Max chuckle beneath him as she pulled back slightly to face her sister.
"Don't look at me, baby sister, it's your timing."
"Me?" Jondy asked innocently. "Cale's the one that can't keep his hands off of you." She smiled teasingly at Logan, who stood there, his arms still around Max, a goofy expression on his face. It was a nice change from the first time she had seen him, worried and miserable, hating himself because Max needed his help and he couldn't touch her. Yes, it was a nice change indeed. "What are you doing? Giving Zack a show?"
"He's asleep. I doubt he'd know the difference."
"I know. The nurse on duty said he called about an hour ago and asked for a sedative."
"He asked for a sedative?" Max asked, confusion showing on her face. "That doesn't sound right," she muttered as she turned to give Logan a worried look. The brother she knew would want to be wide awake, looking for that ever-present danger he was always suspecting and getting ready to leave as soon as possible.
"I know," Jondy said again, though the look in her eyes made Logan think that she knew more than she was saying. She reached for the doorknob. "I think I'm going to go inside and wait for him to wake up. You two quit necking in the hallway, okay?" Smiling, she went into Zack's room. Logan frowned down at Max as the door closed behind her.
"Something's up," Max said, voicing his thoughts.
"You got that feeling too, huh?"
"Yeah, but she's not talking." Reaching down to take Logan's hand, she pulled him down the hallway.
"Where are we going?"
"Somewhere else. My big sister's the best meddler in the business, and I'm staying out of her way."
When Zack awoke, the first thing he saw was Jondy's face. Rising from the chair beside of his bed, she smiled down at him and reached over to brush a lock of hair from his forehead. He wondered briefly how long she'd been in the room. The thought of someone watching him while he slept made him more than a little uneasy.
"How are you feeling?" she asked after studying his healing wounds for a moment. Rather than sitting back down, she remained standing beside the bed.
"Like it's time for me to get out of here," he answered. Out of here, away from the memory of Katya leaving this room . . .
"Good," she said, her smile becoming a little sweeter. Zack stared up at her. Something wasn't right, and alarm bells started going off in his head the instant the smile slid from her face. "You pigheaded jerk."
Zack blinked, surprised by the sudden change in her tone even before the meaning of her words set in. "Wh . . . What?"
"You know, pigheaded? As in stubborn? Obstinate? And jerk, as in-"
"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, starting to sit up in his bed. Jondy merely placed one hand on his shoulder and shoved him back against the sheets. She left her hand where it was for a moment, a not-so-subtle suggestion that he stay put.
"I'm talking about the fact that if somebody hadn't already beaten the shit out of you, I'd do it myself right now." She watched as his eyes focused on her determined expression, the stubborn set of her jaw, and she crossed her arms angrily in front of her.
It was, Jondy reflected, the only time she'd ever seen Zack speechless, and even then it only lasted for a few seconds. She watched as the familiar expression settled on his face. Here comes the C.O., she thought.
"Look, soldier-" He was cut off as Jondy reached a hand out and smacked him in the head. Though she was careful to avoid his healing wounds, she still got his attention.
"Manticore's gone. Welcome to the real world." She gave the words a few seconds to sink in. "Just how long is it going to take for you to figure that out?" She watched as he raised his good hand in a threat. Typical Zack, she thought. If anyone dared to disagree with him, he would usually use force to keep them in line. "And don't even think about trying to beat me up for disagreeing. I think I'm at a slight advantage right now." She watched as he considered this a moment, then lowered his hand.
"So what do you want?" he grumbled.
"I want to know what the hell you think you're doing." She watched the bewilderment cross his face. "Several hours ago, Katya came stalking out of this room, ran to the nearest bathroom, and, judging from her expression when she came out, spent a good long while crying her eyes out."
He felt it then, another strong punch to the gut, and it was all he could do to keep up his annoyed expression. I hurt her again. Maybe I should just leave right now, he thought, before I hurt her again.
But Jondy had seen it, that flash of concern in his eyes before the mask came up again. Lowering her arms, she sat down on the bed beside him. Her frustration at her block-headed brother began to melt away. There was more here than met the eye.
"What's going on between the two of you?" she asked, her voice lowered, the anger no longer so apparent.
"Nothing." He glanced away, unable to meet the curiosity in her gaze. Oh, he could look her in the eyes and lie to her if he had to, but he didn't want to. He liked Jondy better when she was angry; he knew how to handle angry, but this sisterly Jondy who was sitting here asking him about his personal life was a complete mystery. When he glanced back a moment later, she was studying him intently, her head cocked lightly to the side. He felt like a laboratory specimen. He could feel her looking right through him, and she didn't even need a microscope.
What's going on, indeed? Jondy asked herself. She'd come in here to give Zack a piece of her mind, to try to make him understand that he couldn't spend his life playing C.O., at least not anymore. She was pretty sure that Katya cared for her brother, but he certainly hadn't taken her feelings into consideration. If he intended to spend the rest of his life as a stubborn idiot, then she was going to point out the error of his ways. She'd learned the hard way that life was too short not to be lived, but when his gaze came back to her face, she suddenly realized that he may be readier for that lesson than she'd thought.
"Oh my God," she breathed, shaking her head. "You're in love with her, aren't you?"
It was the 'l-word' that did it, but suddenly Zack was scooting out of the bed, wondering if he could make a run for it. "I don't know what you're talking about." He paused when she grabbed his good arm, and he watched as a grin spread across her face.
"I'd stay in that bed if I were you. That gown doesn't have a back to it," and then she began to chuckle, leaving him completely bewildered. "So what did you do today to make her mad?"
"I didn't do anything," he muttered with a shrug. "I just mentioned that I was leaving Seattle as soon as possible, and she left." Okay, so he'd left out a few key details . . .
The smile slid off Jondy's face. "You what?" Shaking her head, she rested her forehead in her hand for a moment, then raised her eyes to the ceiling. "My brother," she muttered, "a complete idiot." She turned her gaze back to him, making certain that her eyes met his. "She's in love with you, you know."
He began to move out of the bed again, but reconsidered when he remembered what she'd said about the gown. "I don't know what you're talking about," he began, but his nervous swallow was a dead giveaway. She lowered her brow in confusion.
"So what . . . you just let her leave?" She didn't know what kind of answer to expect from that. "Let me guess. It wouldn't fit either of your lifestyles. You're on the run from people who want to kill you. Right now, secret government agencies are plotting your death."
He squared his shoulders. "Well, now that you mention it . . ."
"And she doesn't live the same life?"
"It's different."
"How?"
"It's not safe for her, okay?"
"It's never safe for her. You don't change that one bit."
"Dammit! I hurt her!" It came out more angrily than he'd intended, and Jondy paused at the force behind those words.
"What? Her wrist?" His answer was only a glare in her direction. He could have kicked himself for opening his big mouth. Jondy merely chuckled and glanced down at his bandaged arm.
"Call me crazy, but I think she can take you." He shook his head.
"You don't understand. I can still hurt her."
And Jondy didn't understand, she realized as she watched her brother. There was something there, some piece of the puzzle that was missing. Zack was protective of his siblings, too protective sometimes, but never once had he worried that he'd hurt any of them. He'd always been too busy protecting them. Protecting us, she thought, and the last piece fell into place.
"You're afraid to fail."
"What?"
"You aren't afraid that you'll hurt her. You're afraid that you'll fail to protect her. Or, more specifically, you're afraid to lose her, so it's easier to push her away." She shook her head. "I take it back. You're not a pigheaded jerk. You're a yellow-bellied coward and an imbecile. She's just as capable of taking care of herself as anyone, and, for the record, I'd still like to beat some sense into you."
"Jondy, you don't know-"
"Shut up," she said, but it was the softness of that command that got Zack's attention. Turning his head to stare at her, he found that her head was hung, her eyes closed. Taking a deep breath, she opened them.
"Did you ever stop in to check on me just before I left L.A.?" Sensing that there was something big about to happen, he shook his head. "You never even saw Brian, did you?" Again he shook his head. He'd heard about Brian, certainly, but he'd been checking on Syl and Tinga when Brian had stepped into his sister's life.
"No. I didn't know anything about it until I couldn't find you and went to see Zane. He told me where you were." He eyed her warily, not certain what she was about to say.
A ghost of a smile crossed her face at the memory of Los Angeles sunrises. "I'm not going to lie and tell you that you would have liked him." Her gaze dropped to her hands, and she shrugged. "Knowing how jealous you always got with your sisters' boyfriends, you'd have hated him, but he was wonderful, and I was stupid." She raised her eyes from her hands to meet his gaze. "I went away because I was afraid to hurt him, because I was afraid that I'd lose him, and by the time I realized I loved him, it was too late. I never got to tell him. And I'll never forgive myself for that." Her eyes drifted away again, a sad smile touching her lips. "He was a wonderful man, and he would have been a wonderful father." Unconsciously, she hugged her stomach, as if the unborn child she'd lost so long ago was still there. Suddenly there were tears welling up at the backs of her eyelids, tears that she didn't want him to see, so she rose from the bed and turned toward the door, but it was too late, Zack had already seen them, and they were already hitting home.
Taking a deep breath, she turned back to him for a moment. "This life is short, and you never know what's going to happen, especially with lives like ours. You can't leave things undone, because if you mess something up, you may run out of time to fix it." Then she offered him a half-hearted smile, opened the door, and left him alone with his thoughts.