Chapter playlist: My heart-Paramore
My heart was pounding so loud I could nearly hear it through my eardrums. It was as if the entire world had just stopped, time had been frozen. Everything was still. I couldn't hear my friends talking in the other room - I couldn't hear the rain as it dropped to the ground outside. Everything was silent. Except for my heartbeat.
I felt an emotion I've felt many times before except this time it was much stronger. It was so strong I could barely keep myself together. The faith I had just lost a few minutes ago was suddenly back, it was suddenly evident and more important than anything in the world. My heart slamming against my chest, my lips trembling in anticipation, it was obvious to me that something had to be done.
He still cared.
Yes, that hollow, empty hole that I had seemed to dig far too deep. . . well, some part of it seemed to heal, as if pieces were being put back together, maybe. But then there was this violent want I couldn't surpass at all. No, it was so vast, as if my entire body needed the want I was craving. Him. I needed him.
The paper seemed to fly from my hands as I dash up the stairs, grabbing my designer purse and coat from the coffee table. My friends all sat around Chad's kitchen table, talking amongst each other. They all gave me strange looks as I passed them. It didn't matter right now though. All that mattered was Troy Bolton.
Tears were gliding down my face, tears of relief, tears that were bottled up from the time we've spent apart. And nothing could stop me from flying to California to see him. Nothing.
The rain was falling to the ground like spikes, and the sky rumbled. I was about to make a run for it when someone caught my arm and pulled me around to face them. I found myself facing two golden eyes that were filled with concern.
"Jim, I have to. . ."
"Gabriella," His English accent seemed almost soothing, "you won't go alone."
He knew.
"Jim, I have to, Troy he. . ." I was in a mess, I could barely speak.
"Please," He begged subtly, "it's a long flight. . . I'll accompany you." He bit his lip in contemplation. "It may not be as simple as it appears. We men, we tend to change our minds."
"He loves me, Jim," I was sobbing out the sentence, "loves me!" Half of me wanted to run around the block celebrating, the other half wanted to bawl out of fortune.
"Look, calm down," He kept his mood calm, "he believes you don't love him though. Therefore, we may have a problem."
"I don't care! I need to see him, now!" I pushed his arms away forcefully and made a run for the car. I jumped into the front seat but just as I was starting up the ignition, Jim got into the passenger's seat.
"I'm coming."
"Fine." I swallowed, as I wiped away the trace of tears.
Burbank California.
I felt foolish. Foolish that I was getting involved so much, that I nearly forced myself onto a plane and rushed to the Ellen DeGeneres Show just to see my ex-boyfriend who probably wouldn't even give me the time of day. Jim stood behind me loyally, but I could tell he thought I was being dumb about everything. Yes, Troy said he still loved me, but this was a bit outlandish of anyone to do.
"Um excuse me, miss, you can't get in the show without a ticket," The bodyguard at the front of the studio eyed me suspiciously.
"Right, we weren't planning on going in, we were just walking around," Jim attempted at grabbing my arm and yanking me away from the studio.
"Oh, well, I'm a special guest - Gabriella Montez. I'm Troy Bolton's ex-girlfriend and I have been on this show twice," I gave the bodyguard my best grin as I grabbed an old ticket out of my purse.
The bodyguard nearly had a heart-attack when he figured out who I was. "Gabriella Montez? Oh. . . oh my god! Hi, yes, you may come in, absolutely," Now he was beaming erratically and opening the doors for me, the girl who looked a complete train-wreck with only PJ pants, a tank-top, and a coat on.
"This is ridiculous," Jim murmured into my ear as I proceeded backstage, eager to find Troy.
Okay, he wasn't anywhere to be found. But I could hear Ellen's voice from there and it was obvious he was already filming the interview with her. The doors to the stage seemed too nearby and I could feel Jim trying to pull me away but I couldn't stay away. No. Not now. Not after all of this.
"What on earth are you-"
"Shut up, seriously,"
I didn't care anymore. I didn't care who was watching or the fact that I was about to step onto stage during a live show. I just didn't care. I needed to tell Troy Bolton everything. I needed to kiss him, to be with him, to let him know that he's the only one in the world that I would ever want. And that forever isn't just a word. I could feel my emotions rising like there was no tomorrow. Everything seemed to be so intense. But with the fire burning in my soul and the lightning spreading throughout my body, nothing was about to push me away from this moment. Wrong time or not, anything was worth it for Troy. Anything. I'd live with my mistakes, I'd live with my dumb insecurities about breaking up with him in the first place, about being the weak, vulnerable ex-girlfriend and going back to him. That wasn't even something I was worried about. Troy . The blue eyes. The smile. The hair. The wink. Everything came back to me all at once - memories playing in front of me like a flash of light inside of my head. Yeah, the leap. I needed to make the leap. Climb the mountain. Be fearless.
"So tell me about-" Ellen was in the midst of her question when her eyes found me, just standing awkwardly at the side of the stage. I could tell the audience was even more confused, but Troy hadn't turned around just yet. The boy sat like a dream, too beautiful for reality, with that polite smile on his lips. His foot propped on top of his knee. And there it was. His eyes snapped away from Ellen and the look on his face forced my heart to skip a beat. There was an emotion that seemed to take over his eyes in a way I can't explain. Confusion. Fear. And panic. His lips parted momentarily. He didn't understand why I was standing there, ready to proclaim my undeniable passion for him, my relentless love for him. "Um, well, uh-" Ellen was fiddling over her words and I noticed her making signals at the cameras, trying to get her men to shut them off. She looked like she was trying not to make it weird, a good-humored smile on her face.
"Troy," I breathed, as his eyes still searched my face for my reasoning. For why I was here.
"Gabriella." As if it was a response. As if there was no question. I knew then that it was now or never. Forever lose him. Or be with him forever.
"Uh, Hun, we're doing a live show, maybe later. . ." Ellen was beginning to chuckle nervously at me while her cameramen shut off the video.
"I don't care." There was an impulse between my breathing and I couldn't wait any longer. "I need you." My lips were trembling and I felt myself breaking into pieces. "I need you so much." The audience seemed absolutely stunned, yet curious at the same time.
Troy stood motionless, his lips parted, his eyebrows furrowed, ". . . What?" As if he couldn't process the information I was giving him. But then he walked off the stage. Everybody could still see us though and nothing seemed private about this. He looked me in the eyes, centimeters away. "Gabriella, this isn't the place." He whispered so nobody could hear.
"Not the place? Then where is?" I hissed. "I made a mistake, I still love you,"
He didn't move, his eyes were locked onto my own, making me as vulnerable as ever. His lips were perched together - a solemn look on his face. "Gabriella. . . I wrote that song out of closure, for me. . . I needed that to move on. You never said anything."
"Closure? Troy, I'm nothing without you, I can't do anything, I can't sleep, I can't function correctly. . ." I felt tears beginning to fall down my face.
Troy looked sympathetic, but forced himself to avert his eyes, "You hurt me. Don't you get that? For the passed month, I've been trying my hardest to forget about you. You just got up and left, can you imagine that? I put all that I could into our relationship. That wasn't good enough. And I get that now. It just wasn't meant to be."
The words punctured through my heart like a knife. I felt the open wound expanding. Suddenly, oxygen wasn't found. He didn't meet my eyes. And then he walked away from me. He walked away from me. And I watched him, feeling no emotion, no heart inside of me, just death, the death of emotions, a numbness I couldn't even explain. It was as if the tears had just stopped, my constant breathing had stopped, everything had stopped. The world itself was just a gigantic eclipse and I was stuck in the middle of darkness, desperate for some sort of emotion. But now, emotions were unresponsive. I felt as if I was going to faint, had I stood there any longer. My world was cold, colorless.
"Gabby," Jim's voice was barely audible as I was slipping into some sort of insanity.
I could feel myself breathing heavily now, my heart hammering against my chest in fear of breaking point. Yes, I was at breaking point, far beyond breaking point, I had nothing left to break. And the warm tears had dried up, leaving me with no loneliness, no remorse, no heartbreak, just simple, frigid emptiness. . . as if everything had been destroyed within me. And he pulled me towards him, wrapping me up in his arms, cradling me like a small, fragile child. I sobbed into his chest, finally, the sadness coming back, the sensitivity inside of me becoming real, my heart aching again, the little liveliness I had coming back to me. The tears were endless - nothing could have cured this pain, nothing, there was no remedy. I would forever be lost, without love, without someone. And this gash within me would never be mended. I was nothing but a hopeless soul floating through the universe now. A nobody.
"It's going to be alright," He promised me. I forgot how long we stood there, how long I embraced him, desperate for some sort of affection, some sort of comfort. I needed a stable support system and he was the only one who was around.
I later found myself sitting in my car, in the passenger's seat, staring blankly ahead at the road as Jim drove passed many cars. The sun was setting in the sky - orange and teal colors defining the horizon. The beauty of California seemed to darken my spirits even more. I'd be going back to the gloomy state of Illinois.
"He doesn't love me. . ." The words came out of my chapped lips like a curse. I didn't want to believe myself. I wanted to remember the letter he wrote me, how it sounded so reassuring, how it seemed as if he truly cared. But the way he reacted at the Ellen show made me think twice. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I read the letter wrong. Maybe I was the fool, here.
"He does, he's being stubborn," Jim shrugged this off, as if he knew for a fact that was the truth. I couldn't help but gaze over at him, admiring the way the orange and teal colors seemed to reflect in his golden eyes, "he's trying to move on - doesn't mean he's done it just yet." "I broke in front of him - how could that of not affected him, at all?" "It did. . . it tore him up. But if a man hates anything, it's looking like a bitch. According to what you've told me, he's numerously weakened in front of you. I mean, you have to give him some credit for being like this - he cried in front of you. Most guys would rather die than admit that out loud. This is about his pride, not you." Jim didn't look back at me as he kept his eyes on the road. "We're going to his house, right now."
"Right now?" My eyes widened as I looked over at him, panicked. "Jim! You have go to be crazy, I just made myself look like a fool in front of him. He told me it wasn't meant to be - surely that doesn't mean that I keep trying! It couldn't. . ."
"Gabriella, I will tell you, you're rather smart when it comes to most things, but with guys, you couldn't be more dense." A small smirk appeared across Jim's face, almost in arrogance. "You cannot beg him like you did previously. That looked. . . well, quite ridiculous. Just talk to him, be sensible, explain you won't hurt him again, tell him what he means to you. . . without the tears."
"I can't, whenever I see him, it's like I can't control myself - I'm so brittle. . ."
"Look, if you want him back, you can't be so desperate." Jim scolded me, a serious look on his face. "I refuse to drive someone all the way to California only to be rejected. I know he loves you, and so do you, so make him remember why - because you're strong."
I didn't realize we were driving up into Troy's mile-long driveway until Jim turned off the car and looked to me, expectantly. "I don't know if I can do this. . ." I whispered, the butterflies churning in my stomach. I couldn't help but feel really dumb after the previous encounter. I felt insecure about the entire idea.
"You can, just believe in yourself," Jim encouraged, a small smile forming across his lips, "forget what happened today."
I bit my bottom lip and took his advice. I slipped out of the passenger's seat. I noticed the Audi R8 parked on the side of the road and my heart skipped a beat. I really needed to get it together. I couldn't be weak about this anymore. I was Gabriella Montez - voted the sexiest woman celebrity of the summer. I couldn't back down because of one comment. I needed to prove to Troy that I'm going to be there for him, that I am there for him.
I stumbled up to the doorstep and felt everything inside of me shaking with nervousness. As I brought my hand up to the doorbell, my heart seemed to fall to my stomach almost instantly. Everything didn't feel right. And it wasn't long before someone opened the door, revealing the two most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in my entire life. He made it even more impossible to function correctly. The frown on his face made me even more jittery.
But I tried my hardest to keep my cool. "I'm sorry about how I reacted today at the Ellen show - I shouldn't of showed up like that. But Troy, can't we at least talk?" The desolation in my voice seemed almost prominent. I instantly regretted talking.
He leaned against the door frame, skeptically. "I guess I was kind of rude. I just didn't expect you to be there and I was busy."
But from behind him I heard a tiny, feminine voice, "Troy? Who are you talking to, honey?" The strength I had mustered up inside of me seemed to shatter when I heard a girls' voice from behind him. And the look on his face proved my assumptions were right.
He looked almost guilty. "Uh. . . no one, just go upstairs, I'll be there in a second," Troy called to her, then looked back at me.
"Must be your dream girl," I murmured, unable to hold my feelings in any longer.
"She's just a friend," He defended, a stern look on his face.
"Look, I came up here because I read your letter," I swallowed the uncomfortable lump that was in my throat, "because I believe in forever - and I wanted to make this known. . . that I have feelings for you too, that maybe we stood a second chance. I'd never do what I did to you ever again. Because I regret it everyday." I glanced up, taking in the color of his eyes as he never took them off of me. "But if you really are that determined to move on, I won't stand in your way." I took in a bit of breath and turned around, my back towards him. I had to walk away, and feel good about it. I couldn't break in front of him, I couldn't beg, I couldn't be desperate. He had her. He wanted to be with her.
"Gabriella," His velvety voice stopped me in my tracks, "I believe in forever too." The words came out of his mouth like a melody played from the angels in heaven. I couldn't resist turning around to face him. The look on his face was. . . indescribable. Something good. Something really. . . good. And then he did something, something I'd never forget. He glanced down at his hands and grabbed onto one of his fingers, displaying that the ring that said 'Kuuipo'. "I couldn't take it off, it was just too much."
I looked down at my fingers and held my own up. "Neither could I." A rather invisible smile appeared across his lips, almost in satisfaction.
But a small huff interrupted the moment. A petite, yet leggy blonde-haired woman stood behind us, her skin gracefully tanned. I could tell she must have had a few plastic surgeries back in the day. And I wondered to myself if she was Troy's dream girl.
I want a normal girl like you.
It seemed like just yesterday he uttered those words that gave me some sort of hope - some sort of anxiety, happiness, thrill.
"Alex," Troy turned around to face his new Barbie-doll like girlfriend.
Alex paid no attention to Troy, but looked directly at me, extending a hand and her ridiculously long, red-colored fingernails, "Hi, you must be the ex-girlfriend. I'm Troy's new girlfriend." And then she revealed her white, beautiful teeth. And I froze on the spot.
END OF CHAPTER.