The following morning Isabella woke first. She saw Gregory House sleeping on the other side of her bed. She was embarrassed and ashamed. She had made a fool of herself crying last night, in front of her husband, no less. She wanted to sink into an invisible cloak. She did not want to face him. She had acted the idiot.
She looked over at her sleeping husband. Even in his sleep he looked upset and worried. She had done that to him. He had never been anything but honest with her from the very beginning. He had never wanted the baby, had wanted her to get rid of it. He hadn't lied. Why did she go off on him last night? Nothing had changed, she knew what the situation was and she fell in love with him, anyway.
She never loved anyone the way she loves Gregory House, she finally admitted to herself. The situation was hopeless, she knew it was. She had a responsibility to her baby. She wanted to take care of her baby, but she wanted Gregory House, too. She also wanted to be free and not tied down to anything. She wanted to live her life, spend her money, make decisions, and go where she wanted to go all without having to take other people into consideration. She didn't want to be trapped.
She had harbored some unrealistic, little kid daydream in which her husband would change his mind and love the baby. They would raise their child together and live happily ever after. Right, because that is how real life always worked out; happily ever after.
She had loved going to sleep and waking up beside Gregory House when they were staying at Danny's, taking care of the girls. She wanted that forever. Her heart squeezed together painfully because she knew that couldn't happen. She had to and wanted to take care of her child. She knew how it felt to know that your biological father didn't want you and she never, ever wanted her son, or daughter to know that kind of deep, deep pain. How could she protect him from that?
Her attention came back to her husband. Isabella shyly and self consciously reached out with her fingers and gently rubbed her husband's arm, just a quick rub, more of a quick touch; really, then she snatched back her hand. She had never touched him before; not that she remembered anyway. She liked the feeling. It felt good, like last night when her husband put her flowers on her dress. She touched him again, a little longer this time. She felt a little ball of fire sear deep inside her lower pelvis. The feeling was disturbing, but also very nice. Huh. She got a little bolder and touched his arm higher up, on his shoulder, then his chest. She wanted to touch her lips to his, but she wasn't quite that bold, and he might wake up. He started to stir. She pulled her hand back and shifted quickly back to her side of the bed before he could wake up.
Gregory House had been awake when Isabella had first touched him. He pretended to be asleep because he didn't want her to stop. Now he yawned and stretched noisily, making a show of waking up. He smiled sleepily at her, like he knew what she had done! Gregory House leaned over her, looking for signs that she wanted him to stop. When he got none he gently placed his lips on hers. Her first kiss! It was nice, made her lips tingle. She liked kissing. She wanted him to kiss her again. That little ball of fire was now an inferno. He used his fingers to gently brush the hair out of her face and back behind her ears. His fingers had electricity in them. He kissed her again. Her breasts felt weird and that other place as well. She liked this; she liked everything about this. She boldly reached up and placed her hand flat on his shoulder, where her fingers had been before he woke up. He gave her a big smile.
"Hi." He said, leaning over her.
"Hi." She said.
And then she lifted her head and placed her lips on his! He went out of his mind with pleasure. It was so sweet, so innocent! He had wanted this for so long. He loved her boldness. He kissed her back, still a closed mouth kiss, very gently, but it felt good, very good. He didn't want to go too fast and scare her, but he also wanted to make love to his wife; caress her all over, kiss her all over. He wasn't sure how far he could go before she would stop enjoying his lovemaking and become scared; she was so young and innocent, so he pulled away from her a little. Isabella lay back down, with a shit eating grin on her face. House was on cloud nine, he laughed out loud in happiness; Isabella was equally as happy. House felt like he had never been with a girl before, Isabella had never been with a man before, not really. Their night together didn't count, really. Neither of them had chosen that, none of that; they didn't remember that. This was their first kiss, their first caresses. It was wonderful. House placed his hand on the side of her head and used him thumb to rub back and forth over her hair a few times. Then he leaned down and placed a playful kiss on her nose. He had decided to stop while he still could. He didn't want to overwhelm Isabella, didn't want to scare her away. Isabella wasn't overwhelmed at all, she was happy and excited and her body felt weirdly… something. She wanted more kisses.
"I think I remember that somebody has an important job interview today." Gregory said, pretending to think.
"I wonder who that could be." she said, playfully playing along.
They got up and started their day. They didn't have a morning routine together, so they muddled along. Gregory had to go home and change before work; Isabella had to get dressed and go over what she wanted to share and what information she wanted to learn at her interview.
They didn't want to go their separate ways, so they went to the restaurant for breakfast. After they had ordered their food Isabella tried to bring up last night. Gregory didn't want to upset her again before her interview, and he wasn't ready to talk. He needed to see Nolan first, to figure things out.
"I'm sorry…about last night."Isabella looked embarrassed.
"You have nothing to be sorry about. I'm the one who messed up."Gregory took responsibility.
He decided to take a big risk and confide in her about Nolan and his time spent in the mental hospital and to tell her a little about what he was thinking and feeling, forgetting that he didn't want to upset her before her interview.
"Isabella…I need a little time before I'll be ready to talk about this. I just want you to know that I don't feel the way you think I do. I'm pretty screwed up."He confessed as he stirred his coffee.
House assessed her face to see if he should continue; he had lost Cuddy because he took one pill. Would he lose Isabella, too? He decided that she needed to know anyway. If she was going to leave him over this, then there wasn't much he could do to change her mind.
He began, "A few years ago I went to a rehab facility for addiction to the Vicodin that I use for my leg pain. I let it get out of hand and took too much on a regular basis. I took so much that I started having hallucinations."
Isabella was still there, listening. She hadn't left, yet. She just sat there, quietly.
"I checked myself into a hospital to detoxify from the Vicodin." Gregory continued.
Isabella continued listening closely, saying nothing. Gregory House took this as a good sign.
Isabella knew that he still overused his Vicodin, she had seen him swallowing several pills at once and at intervals that were much too close together. If he did this after rehab, that wasn't a good thing. Isabella knew that wasn't a good thing.
"I worked with a psychiatrist while I was there, his name is Dr Nolan. He helped me a lot. I haven't been his patient for a couple of years, now, but …"he looked away, thinking, "last night; after you fell asleep I called him. I made an appointment to see him later this morning."
Gregory watched for Isabella's reaction. She seemed pretty calm. He didn't see that she had become withdrawn and remote from him.
"I need to talk to…I need some help…I just need to talk…some help. We've had a lot of important things happen to us in a very short period of time. We just seem to be dealing with things by the seat of our pants. I need to sort things out." He stopped talking, unsure of what else to say.
Isabella drank some of her juice. "I know." she said.
House was relieved that she understood. She really understood. She understood because she was going through the same thing. House was encouraged.
House sat back in his chair, thinking. "Maybe it would be a good idea for us to go together. Would you be willing to do that? Would you like to go see Nolan together? We have the same issues to work on. It would be like couple's therapy, or something. Just about the things we have in common, I think that could work." he agreed with himself. "I have this appointment with him this morning. I'll talk to Nolan about it."
He needed to talk to Nolan alone, first, to figure out what the hell was wrong with him and how to try to be a father who wasn't like his dad. He was terrified that he would damage his child like his dad had damaged him. He knew the statistics on abused children abusing their own children. He didn't want that but he didn't know if he could do anything to stop it. That was why he didn't want a kid. That and the fact that he was 53 years old, for christ's sake. He was too old to do the daddy thing. He didn't want his kid to call him dad, either, too many bad associations with that word. Father was too formal. Ummm.
Isabella could see him struggling and she brought him back to the present.
"Gregory House, I don't know. I just don't know. Let me think about all of this. You've given me a lot to think about and I need time to do that."
House deflated. He thought she was talking about couples' counseling with Nolan. He didn't know why she needed time to think about that. It just made sense He didn't realize that she was rethinking their entire relationship.
After a minute Isabella softly asked, "You said that you don't feel about our child the way I think you feel. What do you feel about him, exactly?" she needed to know.
House was trying, he really was trying, but he just didn't know what to say, what to think. He wanted his wife, he thought he wanted his child, but those were some of the things he needed Nolan's help sorting out.
"I…I don't want to get rid of it, I don't want to kill it" This was so hard, he was trying so hard. "I…Isabella, my dad…he wasn't a good dad… I need to…something… before the kid is born. That is one of the reasons, a big reason that I need to talk to Nolan."
"And I'm one of the other reasons?" she asked.
Was this a trap? No, Isabella didn't set traps; she wasn't like that. "Ya, you, the baby, what happened to us, what we want to do…"
"Yes, I understand."Isabella said. And she did, she understood because she was having a difficult time, too.
They sat quietly and finished their meal. House went home and then off to work and his appointment with Nolan. He felt good about what he and his wife had accomplished today. They had made a lot of progress.
Isabella went back to her motel; she had to get ready for her interview soon. She was exhausted and defeated. Today had started out so great; she had her first kiss, she had been so happy. She had dared to hope that everything would work out; and then the bottom had fallen out of her world, again. Her husband was a drug addict. She couldn't think about that right now. She would think about that later. She couldn't deal with that right now. She loved him, tears burned her eyes, but she pushed them down.
She had to get ready for her interview, now; she would think about all the other things later.
Isabella wanted to be ready for the interview. She had hoped that she would get the job so she would be able to stay in town with her husband. But Isabella was much more troubled about Gregory House's confession of his drug addiction than she let on. It bothered her a lot and she didn't know what to do about it. She didn't know if she could deal with it and she didn't want to raise her child around a drug addict. Her biological mother was a heroin addict. Her child would have addiction genes on both sides of the family, she worried. Isabella knew how addicts were. She had no illusions. She didn't want any of that in her life. What in the world was she going to do? Why couldn't life be simple? Why did it always have to be so hard? Maybe it wasn't a matter of if she could deal with it, but if she wanted to deal with it.
She thought about the kisses they had shared this morning. What was she going to do? She missed him already so much….and they had spent all night and morning together.
She had to think about her interview.
It would be better to find work out of the area. Then she would have a good reason for breaking up with Gregory House. They could just let the divorce go through like they had planned. Oh god…what would she tell him? How would she tell him? She couldn't stay with a drug addict, she just couldn't deal with that, she didn't want to deal with that. She didn't want her child to have to live with that. What the hell was she going to do? Leaving town, putting some distance between them, that would be easiest. Let the distance do the work. Yes, that would be best.
She had a plan for today. Having a plan always made Isabella feel more in control. Today she would get ready and go to her interview. What if she was offered the job? What would she do? Could she stay away from Gregory House if she lived in the same city? No. She couldn't. She couldn't stay in the same town and stay away from Gregory House. She wanted to be with him.
What should she do about the interview? She should cancel it. Shouldn't she? She was conflicted. She had to decide. She had to decide something now because the interview was in a couple of hours and she needed to decide.
She would go to the interview, she decided. If she was offered the job she could always ask for time to decide. That's what she would do. She had a plan for today, Isabella always felt better, more in control when she had a plan. She would take the interview and think about other things later.