Twenty-Fifth of April

Dear Diary,

Today I am in the best mood ever. I woke up in Severus's arms after a most comfortable sleep. We had the best night ever…He had prepared the bedroom with millions and millions of candles, rose petals and relaxed me beforehand. He really had thought everything through. I will always remember our first time; it is still clear in my memory. It hurt at first, but I easily got over it because of his comforting. Afterwards that it went smoothly where there was this sort of… fusion. Like magic was passed trough to him to me and I felt this sort of weird feeling afterwards, in my stomach. But it was still more then anything I ever thought it would be…

But enough of that; I woke up in Severus's arms as he kissed my forehead lazily. We didn't really have time to have a breakfast since we were in a hurry to get to the cottage, since Severus had to join me in the shower…

We made sure we had everything, then we Apparated to the cottage owner's house. Mr. McGrady is a little man, plump with a very big heart. He gave us a warm welcome into his home to sign the papers. We met his wife, a very tall woman with glasses. He and Severus negotiated the price as Mrs. McGrady spoke with me about married life. I wasn't paying attention really; I was already tired of Mother trying to do the same. Then, we had to sign a contract to insure our trust in keeping the cottage nice and clean. As it was my turn to sign, I signed:

Nathalie McGonagall

Instead of

Nathalie Snape

I was giving the papers back when Severus saw it and mentioned it. I was so used to signing with my maiden name; I had completely forgotten my new name! I had to sign again, under Severus's watch, to see if I would forget that I am a married woman again. I think it upset him a little…

Then, we were 'driven' to the cottage in what Muggles call a 'car'. The cottage is situated west of a hill with tall grasses and south of a forest and river, which we can swim in. Mr. McGrady left us in front of a small wooden gate with a smile. Severus was looking at my reaction, if I was happy or not. But, I definitely am, very much. His look went from studying to hunger in a flash, so I rolled my eyes at him and marched into the house.

It's warm, cosy and inviting with a living room, dining room, kitchen, bathroom and bedroom, of course. It's fairly spacious and it will suit us for a week. After looking around, I went to the bedroom to put the luggage there. Severus, following me, thought I was being dirty, so when I went to kiss him as a thank you, he pushed me on the bed. I didn't fell like telling him to get off, so I let him have me like he wanted to … ah, men.

I can't wait for the week to pass, for all the days I am to spend with him. I don't want it to go fast nor do I want it to take forever. I want to see what all the fuss is about married life. People say it's amazing others say it hell, people say it's hard, people say easy. I want to be able to judge by myself. I also want to experience what it is like to wake up to the same person everyday, to have fight about nonsense, to make up, to have to share everything. I…Before I go into daydreaming about it, I have to push Severus into the river, for throwing some water on me while I was writing.

Second of May

Dear Diary,

We finally came back from the most wonderful honeymoon a couple could have! It was so romantic and I actually never wanted it to end. We just came back to work today and I miss the cottage already. I miss being alone with Severus and sharing intimate moments without any students snickering at us. I miss sleeping in his arms, waking up at lunchtime, making love whenever we felt like it and having brunch in bed. But sadly, life goes on and so do we. Some students have been calling me Mrs. Snape and every time it makes me smile and giggle. When Severus found that out, he started calling me that, just so he could hear my giggles. He says my smile and laughter makes him the happiest he has ever been…

Seventh of May

Dear Diary,

The week went very fast and it seems that it will end tomorrow. I have been very busy working, trying to keep up with the time left to teach what is left. It doesn't help that I have been feeling very dizzy and tired. I think it might come from my lack of sleep because of Severus wanting to keep me up all night. But also, my stomach has been aching for some while and I swear every morning I feel like I'm going to be sick. Hopefully it will go away. I haven't told Severus, fearing he will go nuts, thinking I'm dying…

Tenth of May

Dear Diary,

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my father's death. We, (Mother, Dumbledore, Severus and I) just came back from visiting his grave. Mother kept crying on Dumbledore's shoulder, while I was holding back from collapsing in Severus's arms. My father and I were very close and it sickens me that he died so young. He didn't even live to see me get married and have his grandchildren.

I was analyzed how much Mother seems to have changed since he died. Her bright and cheerful disposition seems to have disappeared for a strict and distant personality instead. She has also changed body wise; lost wait, she has been putting her hair in a bun… She always did put her hair that way, but it seems to be tighter than usual which makes her look… mean. Her attitude has become more…rigid and stern…she uses to be nice and soft. She is having difficulties reading and focusing with her eyes, I think the crying has made her eyes weak and now she needs glasses…or it's just old age.

Thirteenth of May

Dear Diary,

This morning, Severus had to get up early to make a potion so I stayed in bed. After a few minutes, I felt my stomach hurting and I felt like I was going to be sick. I did get sick and the weird thing is that I feel fine now. It sort of goes on and off and I feel very tired, even if I have been sleeping a lot. If I do too much I get dizzy and I need to sit. My stomach and abdomen have been bloated and I get very bad cramps at some points. It's been getting worse and Severus still doesn't know. I am considering telling him, but I don't want him to do something stupid to help me, like before. His reactions can go to the extreme…

On the other side of my life, the end of the year is coming to an end soon, which means summer is right around the corner. I have been wondering what Severus and I will do for it. I usually go somewhere for the summer, like Scotland, to visit family, or Ireland, to see the nice green grass. But I'm sure Severus and I can't afford it and knowing him, he would rather stay at home with me. This weekend, I am going to calculate our yearly budget to see if we can afford a trip or not.

Fifteenth of May

Dear Diary,

This weekend has been a hectic one! I had to correct and grade papers, and then I calculated our budget twice because I lost count of what I was doing when I dozed off the first time calculating the budget. Our budget is very, very, very tight; we actually might not have enough to take a trip. We have to pay our house off for the next 2 years (whatever Muggles do), we need to pay for food and health-related matters during the summer, along with little stuff here and there. The honeymoon took a lot out of Severus's account and his mother didn't have a lot to give to him either. My account isn't as full as he thought it was. My parents are wealthy, yes, but I won't inherit any money until both of them have passed away. So I have only what I got by working here and there while paying off my apprenticeship for Auror School.

I went to go see Dumbledore and I asked if we could both have a little more money added to our paycheques and he agreed. If it isn't enough, I'm sure Mother wouldn't mind lending some money, since I am to inherit it anyways. But the budget is still a little tight. Severus told me not to worry about it and that we would make it through with no worries. But he is the one worrying now, since I told him about my illness.

We were snogging on his desk, when I felt a jolt of pain come through my stomach and up. I was going to be sick and he saw, so it wasn't a secret anymore. He asked me if I was ok and I told him the truth. At first he didn't seem very worried, but then he took me to his potion's closet and asked me my symptoms again.

"Dizziness, stomach ache and bloating, tiredness…vomiting, mostly in the morning…" As I recited my symptoms, he was moving around on his ladder to every potion that qualified as a treatment for it. He moved again and again after I was done and then stopped in front of one potion.

"Dizziness, stomach ach and bloating, tiredness, vomiting in the morning?" I nodded as he looked back at the potion. Then he looked at me with some fear and said:

"The only potion I have for that is a Soothing-Pregnancy Potion…You're not pregnant…Are you?" Then panic erupted; was I pregnant?

"I don't know…let me check if I'm late…" I went to check and I was due for my time of the month this week.

"I'm due this week…I can't say if I am late yet…I hope not." He held me in his arms as I imagined expecting a child. We just got married so we wouldn't be able to financially support a child. I lifted my chin to look at Severus and said:

"What if I am pregnant? What are we going to do?"

"I don't know," he said, looking at my stomach. "We are not ready to have a child and we haven't even passed our four year agreement. I don't know…you could have an abortion or we could put it up for adoption…"

"Are you saying that we give up the child? ARE YOU MAD?" I asked, shaking him out of fear; what the hell was he thinking?

"But we're NOT READY! We can't have it if we can't afford to have one…" I stopped arguing with him after that, since it was hurting my stomach. I think he is wrong and that if I am pregnant we should take care of the child and keep it because it's our fault we didn't prevent the pregnancy. I can't give up the child to somebody else or kill it with an abortion. It's our child…

We decided to wait and see if I was going to have my period. If I don't it this week, we are going to go see Mme. Pomfrey, but we are going to keep silent about this whole baby-incident. We didn't talk much after making our decision, knowing that I wanted to keep the maybe-child and that he wanted to give it up. He kissed me goodnight but I didn't kiss him back…I keep thinking in my mind…How could he bear to kill the child or give it up?