Chapter 26: To Hell with Ourselves

FTL Space

Pranas System

March 8 2186

1847 Hours

Arbiter P.O.V

The Arbiter, having grown up as a Supreme Commander knew what to look for when discerning whether his crew was on edge or agitated or angered. Having served in the military where there were many soldiers, it had become his own personal goal to know how to better help his crew. He knew the symptoms, the signs, and the subtle indications.

Right now, even without doing these things, he could literally sense the tension and unease and awkwardness between Garrus and Liara from a kilometer away. The feeling, while not alien and not overwhelmingly powerful, was nothing comfortable to be in, though he maintained an ignorant expression.

This concerned him for two reason. The first was that a divided and otherwise unstable crew could result in disaster in the future. As much as Thel could instantly recognize the friendship and sense of family within this crew and with Shepard, the Sangheili very well that even friends quarrelled over things. Right now, Thel could only guess it had something to do with the Reapers turning their own kind against them.

Thel wished he could offer some sort of assurance, anything to make certain that the crew would be operating at maximum capacity. He knew their pain in a way, but in another way, Thel wished they would shed themselves of this emotional turmoil. The Flood had converted perhaps hundreds of thousands of Sangheili into combat forms, and altough they were once something he recognized as his own species. he knew that the person inside was consumed and dead. Even if they were alive, they would live for eternity in complete and utter pain. Killing them was a mercy.

The second thing that concerned him was that he was caring at all. He had made it his mission to not invest too much of himself to this ship. He already had brothers and sisters to return to back on Sanghelios. He could not commit to more. Besides, he only agreed to aid in this war more out of necessity to use the galaxy and it's inhabitants to search for a way home. While Thel sympathized with this galaxy, he could not bring himself to really fully commit to a cause that was not his own.

But then why fight at all, he would ask himself. Would it not be more simple to be on his own way? Surely, it would be a simple matter to commandeer a shuttle from the Normandy and find something himself? Thel could easily become a "lone wolf" as the Humans said and remain independent. He was more than capable of taking on the enemies of the galaxy, and with relative ease.

Then his more logical mind began to work. Even if he were to strike out alone, where would he begin? Apart from the Solar System, the rest of the galaxy had a completely different map that he had yet to study. There was no familiarity. Alone, he might last a few days at best, before he succumbed to the enemies or a lack of proper resources or any number of reasons, none which appealed to him.

The rational and most logical choice was to help this crew. In exchange for helping them, Shepard could provide him with a means to explore the galaxy, albeit unknowingly to her, and right now, his choice to join her might just be the only choice worth pursuing.

The confirmation of Forerunner glyphs had instantly given him something to hope for. If the Forerunner had come here, they might possibly have a way to return home. It was also fortunate that it seemed that no one could read the language. It made sense, given that none of the species of the galaxy likely had any basis from which to translate or begin to decipher.

The sound of the shuttle landing within the Normandy's landing bay and shuttle door's opening prompted everyone to leave immediately. Shepard and the Arbiter were the only ones who were not in any sort of rush to go anywhere. Garrus and Liara actively worked to avoid each other, the Turian reaching the elevator first, Liara waiting for him before going on herself. Then out came the two female Krogan and Wrex, who looked more than happy, rather euphoric oddly enough. Finally, Mordin tailed them.

"Will see you shortly, Shepard," Mordin said, "Must attend to female before convening."

Thel watched as Shepard nodded. The two of them silently watched as everyone waited their turn to get on the elevator.

The Arbiter watched Shepard's expression, which was an obvious frown.

"Do you know what happened, Arbiter," Shepard asked. "Between Garrus and Liara?"

Silence.

"I can speculate," Thel answered, "They seemed fine during the beginning of the mission. The Asari Reaper mutation, it may have been the catalyst for this sullen mood."

"How tough were those things by the way," Shepard turned to him.

Thel turned to meet her emerald eyes, his orange ones staring at her, trying to get her to see how serious he was.

"Far more difficult than that of these other forms," he answered gravely, "Do not be fooled by their gaunt outer appearance. They are strong. Their biotics are also quite damaging. Always be on the move. They are problematic, but not invincible."

"I'll remember those when I face one down," Shepard responded, though she sounded unsure.

In that instant, Thel's mouth seemed to work ahead of his mind.

"...I am certain you will fare perfectly fine." he strained.

Thel questioned why he had said those words. The words meant nothing to him, should mean nothing to him. Try as he might to rationalize away at everything around him in this universe, he could not continue. He may as well already be an isolationist already on the Normandy. The numerous Humans aboard looked to him warily, and in truth, he wished it would stop. It only served to remind him about…

This was exactly why he did not want to acknowledge this. Thel did not want to admit it to anyone here on the Normandy.

"Thanks," she said, her armored hand resting on his own gauntlet, "It's nice to see you can compliment."

Now he needed to get out of here before he slipped up like that again.

"I should go train," he said slowly.

Thel gently removed Shepard's hand from his own armored gauntlet and did not look back as he turned to the other empty part of the shuttle bay. He made certain that he was out of Shepard's visual range before activating his own active camouflage before stopping.

What in the Forerunners' name was he doing?

Why did he mouth off a compliment? That was not suppose to happen. To give her such a thing was to suggest that he was actually acclimatizing to her and the crew. To do this was to basically admit that he actually liked her openly. He always had to remain separate and distant so that Commander Shepard could work to her fullest and best potential.

Thel had admitted to himself that Shepard was impressive in her own right, albeit with some rough surfaces and many bumps to smooth out. The Arbiter would never openly say so less he want to receive more special treatments from her. He already had enough Human treatment to last a lifetime.

Once he calmed down a bit, he began to reconsider the situation. Was it really that bad? In all honestly, he was not much of a complimentary individual to begin with. Praise belonged to those who had worked above and beyond the call of duty. Shepard definitely fit that profile, and even better yet, she was not one to brag about it. She was humble about what she did, another reason to respect her.

So what was the reason that he did not want to get close to her?

You know the reason why, he thought grimly, Were she to realize what sort of things we have done against Humanity, she would label us similarly to the Reapers.

And should that come to pass, he would be most likely killed or exiled or tried should the galaxy survive, assuming she could prove as such. This was why he could not form a relationship beyond professionalism. Anything more, and the next slip up the Arbiter made could prove to be fatal.

It was decided. No more of this foolishness. Remain neutral, give no indication of friendship. It was for his sake and for Shepard's sake as well as her friends.

But no matter how much he came to this conclusion, he could not bring himself to accept this decision in full. For the first time in a long time, he did not know if he was making a good choice.

Shepard P.O.V

Jane Shepard sighed as she reached her cabin and stared at her fish tank. Her mind swirled with many thoughts, most of them focused on her troubled squad, others concerning her talks with Wrex, the two female Krogan, and the Primarch. She was getting a bit frustrated that nothing had been done concerning the alliance between the two disparate factions. Wrex was adamant about what he wanted. So now she had more things to do.

Shepard worried about her two of her best friends as well. She didn't say anything to comfort them when they landed on the Normandy, because in truth, she couldn't really offer anything like that. It was the plain truth and like it or not, they were all going to feel more and more pain as this war raged on.

From a selfish viewpoint, Shepard was happy that Garrus and Liara both knew what it meant to see their own species turned against them. Even after three years, Shepard felt that they didn't really truly understand the pain of taking out these things, but now that both the Asari and Turian knew, it meant they would likely be more committed to the ending of the war. Shepard knew she was at any rate.

The other concern was the Arbiter. He seemed unaffected by the fighting, by all the suffering, and all the destruction, only displaying a neutral and hard exterior as far as Shepard had seen. Though his eyes gave away more than his exterior shell, she still hadn't been able to piece much of anything from him. However, that comment, that one assuring her that all would be well, it seemed painful for him to say it. He seemed even more uncomfortable with how she touched him. Maybe she had not take the right steps to warm up to him. She would try again. Maybe Shepard was losing her touch with her crew.

And lately, Shepard had invested so much time in saving the galaxy and collecting herself rather than getting back in touch with her crew. God knew that she had to get back into that groove now.

Shepard stared at herself in the mirror in the bathroom. Her red hair still retained a relatively short cut, but she never really bothered to pin her hair back, simply letting it flow. Her scars from her reconstruction by Cerberus were still there, but the others had faded away, for which she was grateful. The last thing she wanted was people questioning about her being Human anymore. Looking into her eyes, Shepard recognized pain and suffering, and though she admitted to the others that she had stress and fatigue, she often tried to downplay it. Everyone seemed to take her words at face value for which she was grateful.

Having had enough self-pity and doubt and trepidation for one day, she forcefully shoved it back into the dark corners of her mind and began to search for her crew members.

Right then, the com came online, and Traynor sounded.

"Commander," the specialist announced, "There's a message to you from Alliance Command. It's a priority Alpha message."

"Acknowledged," Shepard stated, reluctantly returning to her desk.

Bringing up the holographic display, she began to display the message.

Commander Shepard,

Our colony, Eden Prime has come under attack by Cerberus. We believe that they may have discovered a Prothean artifact there, a significant find that would find it necessary to take the entire colony. We cannot offer direct assistance to the colony as our forces are on multiple fronts fighting the Reapers and assisting whomever has chosen to ally with us.

The local resistance has been feeding us with information regarding Cerberus strengths and their studies. A large excavation site has been sighted just outside where the Prothean beacon was discovered in 2183. The exact nature of the artifact are not known, but it is imperative that Cerberus do not obtain it. Retrieve the artifact as soon as possible.

Alliance High Command

Eden Prime. Those words meant a great deal to Shepard.

Where this entire war began, where the Reaper "myth" was uncovered. The galaxy or God or whatever had a sick sense of humor to send her back to that place. Shepard wanted to believe that maybe the Alliance had made an error or that Cerberus was trying to lure her there or something. This could not be a mere coincidence. Not in a million years.

But orders were orders, and like it or not, Shepard had to obey where her superiors wanted her, even though she felt no desire to do so.

"Joker," Shepard announced over com, "Set a course for Eden Prime."

"We going on a shakedown mission," he snarked, "Maybe to get a Prothean beacon?"

"A Prothean artifact," Shepard corrected.

"Yeah...I'll get us there. Better not be more crazy things. Reapers are bad enough."

Joker had the same feelings as she did: something was up, and just like herself, he couldn't say what it was.

The jump to the relays wouldn't take much time, but it would be at least a days travel before they reached the colony world. Good. There was still time to take stock of everyone.

She would first visit Liara.

After exiting the elevator, she casually made her way to the XO office, the door opening to her presence to find Liara typing away at her main console. The giant galaxy map displayed on multiple screens was lit up with some locations.

"Glyph," Liara said, "Have my agents gotten anything we could use?"

"Two agents reported some technology that may help for the Prothean device," the drone answered, "Apparently, now that the Reapers are disrupting the galaxy, many see fit to reveal their cards in full. More specifically, hidden Prothean technology. Perhaps they seek to gain favor with the Citadel Council."

"Make certain that the council doesn't catch wind of this," Liara answered, her head turning to meet Shepard.

"Liara," Shepard nodded, "You alright?"

"If I'm being honest," Liara hesitated, "No, I'm not."

"What's this about," the commander asked quietly.

"That thing on Sur'Kesh," the Asari muttered, "It was an Asari."

"That's what's bothering you," Shepard asked. feigning surprise.

At least she only partly feining surprise. She wasn't so much surprised about Liara's reason for being upset. The Arbiter's prediction was what made that reaction. He couldn't have possibly predicted that reaction without some knowledge of a similar situation. Shepard filed that away. That was food for thought.

"You don't seemed fazed, Shepard," Liara sighed, "I guess it's no surprise. Your homeworld is burning and I'm moping about one death. I feel so selfish."

"Don't, Liara. I don't fault you for it, but it's not getting easier. You know that."

"Yes, I do, but facing the reality head-on still isn't what I wanted."

"None of us wanted it. I should be on Earth fighting for my people, and I left them to get help. I'm saving all of our lives, not just Humanity."

"Because no one else could do it. No one commands the authority or the diplomatic skills you have."

"Almost," Shepard mused.

"Who else could," Liara asked, her curiosity now piqued.

"The Arbiter," Shepard blurted out.

"You know this how?"

"Call it my strange and unexplained intuition," the commander chuckled, "But I get the sense that he's holding back on a lot of things, and not just his story, but his abilities. His voice, it does more than sound intimidating. I can imagine it being soothing and calming. Unfortunately, I don't think he's going to talk about it."

"You want to know," Liara concluded. "You want to make him a friend."

"I think it's a given fact that anyone aboard my ship is going to be my friend," Shepard agreed, "But for the first time, I don't know what I'm dealing with."

It took Liara only moments to piece together the meaning.

"You want help," Liara shook her head, "With making a friend? Don't you know better than to ask me?"
"I'm sure that if he told me, it wouldn't have the same effect," Shepard explained, "I can tell he's got one of those ineffable stories. The best way to do it justice is by having you be the one to know."

"By mind melding," Liara finished.

"Come on," Shepard teased, "Surely you want to learn."

That seemed to make Liara a bit flustered.

"I do admit, he is...interesting."

Shepard smiled at this, but inside, she wanted to laugh.

Garrus P.O.V

"The situation's that bad," Garrus asked.

"Our fleets are being systematically destroyed," the Primarch reported, "We just lost seven destroyers in three hours."

"We're working as fast as we can sir," Garrus replied, "Shepard can get it done. I have complete faith in her."

"i just pray to the Spirits that Palaven will remain when all is done."

"As do I sir,"

Garrus shut off the com and put down his tools. He then curled his fingers into a fist, sending it careening into the wall. The pain wasn't really tangible to him. His rage, his anger, his hatred, everything that he didn't want anyone to see, he was simply letting it out now. Garrus was never one to be querulous or pernicious, but there was always a first time for everything, wasn't there?

Damn the Reapers. Damn them for destroying his birthplace. Damn them for causing Palaven to burn. Damn them for turning Turians into their marauders. Damn the Reapers for making all of their lives living hell. Garrus didn't even know if his father and sister were out of there, and Spirits knew that if he didn't have the duties he had now, he would tear Palaven to pieces to find them if need be. If they died, he was going to tear the Reapers a new one.

Speaking of Humans, Shepard came in at that moment. He considered trying to hide his anger, but then Garrus decided that he wouldn't be able to hide anything from Shepard. Besides, there wasn't enough time to hide.

"What's going on," Shepard asked cautiously, her arms behind her back.

Allowing his fingers to curl and uncurl he let slowly breathed out before turning to Shepard. Trying to gain what little calm he had left, he stood straight to match Shepard's posture.

"Our fleets are getting destroyed," Garrus said, "I've been discussing with the Primarch whether we hold Palaven or retreat. We're coordinating with General Victus and Corinthus as much as we can."

"How does the Turian military look overall," Shepard asked.

"If we can't get the Krogan to help, we might as well be digging our own graves in no more than six months. I don't imagine that the Alliance is any better?"

"No," she sighed, "And speaking about the Alliance, we're heading off onto another mission for Alliance Command."

"Where are we going," the Turian inquired.

"Eden Prime," Shepard said gravely.

The same planet where Saren had launched an attack. That seemed to much of a coincidence.

"Are they serious," Garrus exclaimed, "Or are they being ass clowns about this?"
"This is war to the death," Shepard deadpanned, "You think anyone's laughing right now?"

"Even if it isn't a cruel joke," Garrus continued, "It wouldn't be just a coincidence. It can't be."

"You think I haven't thought of that," Shepard chided, "I seriously thought about calling Admiral Hackett about it."

"And you haven't why," Garrus pressed. "I'd do it the minute I found out."

I have," Shepard hesitated, "one person I'd like to consult first before I make any final decisions about this mission."

"Why do you need input? I thought you got a grip on everything."

"Garrus, I've been under a lot a stress in case you haven't noticed. I think I'm entitled to some help."

Garrus bristled a bit at the venom laced within her tone. He'd never seen her like this before, being open about the stress eating at her. Shepard always hid her emotions and feeling and she claimed it was for the good of everyone. That's what it always came down to: all actions being for the greater.

If an action was selfish or greedy in any way, Shepard wouldn't give a second thought to it, a rather surprising and sublime trait for the Human female who grew up in the streets of the Earth City, New York City. So maybe she did know a thing or two about rough times, maybe more than he could know on a personal level.

Yes, she always wanted what was best for everyone else, everyone except for herself.

Maybe Garrus didn't know the Human as well as he thought he did. He always told himself that Shepard didn't have to prove anything to him because he knew that without a doubt she was doing her best to save the galaxy. Everyone expected her to save them, and well he did too in a way, and that was what made him guilty about this whole thing.

At times, Garrus honestly did thing that Shepard was some sort of deity in disguise. Being able to survive impossible odds, returning to life, resisting the Reapers, but for the first time in, well forever, she was showing signs of reaching that very critical breaking point that could plunge her into madness, chaos, whatever it was.

And at times like these, he needed to stop calling her commander and call her by her real name. He promised to be there for her, and he intended to do just that.

"Jane," he whispered, "Stop. Just stop talking about missions. Stop talking about Reapers for just one moment."

Just to be certain that he had her attention, he grabbed both of her shoulders and squared her to face him, and she looked down, a hurt look on her face, but nothing else. It appeared that she was trying her best to rein in her emotions, like she couldn't accept help from him.

"This isn't about me, Garrus. I want to talk about you. What's going on between you and Liara?"

Releasing her from his grip, he turned his back, then looked at the floor.

"Liara," he began, "She's really something else. I love her like a sister, but for Spirit's sake, she sometimes acts like that the Asari are the only ones that matter, not that Humans and Turians and Batarians are dead and slaves to the Reapers."

Curling his hand into a fist, noticed that dent in the wall that he made, and decided that another punch at it was justified. Shepard seemed a little more than disturbed by this.

"Garrus, that's not her fault. You think any of us want to see this? When I first saw husks on Eden Prime, I was horrified, but that didn't stop me from seeing the big picture. Give Liara time."

"I wish I could, Shepard," Garrus grumbled, "But truthfully, I don't have your temperance. I can't do it just like that."

"Then don't sulk about it," Shepard stated, "Continue to help me fight, for the galaxy. We can mourn our losses once the Reapers are gone."

With that, Shepard turned to leave, and Garrus, for once, wasn't inclined to stop her. Her calming effect had worked partially, but not fully. The sound of the door opening wasn't lost on the former Vigilante, but the Shepard spoke.

"Garrus, I've been here before," Shepard said, "For God's sake, I've seen it happen to you. Don't become Archangel again."

His blue eyes watched as the doors closed automatically. Then the console near the door began to beep, one of his calibrating programs for the Normandy's guns, but he didn't take a step.

The only thing Garrus could do is put his back against the wall and collapse to the ground, his armor against the wall being audible as he slid down, then feeling himself began to crack up. His first response was to scream at himself.

Stop. Don't do this now. Please don't. You're stronger than this. You must...stop...this...

After several excruciating moments of defiance, tt was too much. He finally couldn't hold back the sob that escaped him. Then he buried his face in his hands, and for the first time since perhaps his late teenage years, he cried openly, and regardless if anyone saw him, be it EDI or Shepard or Liara or anyone for that matter, he wouldn't even know that they were there. He was too far gone to notice or care.

This was a touch chapter for me. As I played Mass Effect 3, I began to wonder why there wasn't more tensions between the crew members. I mean, it's a genocidal war raging. They can't seriously be calm and happy and such that whole time. There needs to be a bit more conflict than just the Reapers.

Anyway, if you found this chapter to your satisfaction or if you found it to be a bad thing to introduce into the story, then let me knew with some reviews. What do you like about it, or don't like about it?

And Javik will be coming into the conflict soon. Maybe one more chapter to cover the travel distance between Sur'Kesh and Eden Prime. I'm not in a particular rush to get to the battle yet. I've been considering carefully they dynamics between the Arbiter and Javik.

Hope you all enjoyed reading, and remember, let us act on what we have and not what we wish.

Peace to all!