A/N: Thank you betas for being kind about this chapter. I have never felt posting anxiety like this before. Oh I guess I should list your names. Daisy3853, Profmom72, LiketoRead22, and Twike. Go read their stories and PM Twike and tell her to write one.

You're really smart and pretty for reading this and I love you no matter what happens.

Characters are not mine.

Controlled Burn Chapter 26

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

Edward was on the stage, singing and playing his guitar. I sat in the front row and cheered right along with all the other screaming girls. Alison was there singing next to him on stage. The song ended. The crowd went wild. Edward was absolutely ecstatic, and then he got that look in his eye. I knew that look. I waved frantically hoping he could find me in all the chaos. Edward swung his guitar over his back and marched decidedly over to Alison. While I wondered what was going on, he took her face in his hands and kissed her and kissed her and kissed her. Would he ever stop kissing her? I yelled at him, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M RIGHT HERE!" but he couldn't hear me over all the screaming fans.

I felt like I was falling when my body jerked on the bed, and I opened my eyes. I heart Edward groan, and I tried to calm my breathing so as not to wake him. It was a horrible dream. Awful. The way he looked at her. The way he kissed her. He was mine. I knew this rationally. I had no reason not to be secure in his love. He had proven himself. The dream just seemed so real. It must have been all the stress of moving and dealing with Alice. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't get the image out of my head. I got up and got in the shower hoping I could wash it all away. Finally I woke Edward up and made him kiss me just once to make sure he was still mine. He was.

It was still before noon, so Edward easily fell back asleep. I took his car and went to meet Alice at a restaurant. I could feel the fact that I hadn't gotten enough rest weighing on my body, and I was starting to get a headache.

I walked into the quaint little café Alice had told me to meet her at and found my friend sitting near the back already dressed for church. I met her smile as I walked toward her, and all the tension that had been hovering over us lately seemed to be absent. I was glad.

"Good morning, dearykins," I said as I sat across from her.

"Good morning, bestie," she replied. "You're looking a bit tired. Late night?" she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"First of all, he's your brother for goodness sake; we are not talking about that, and second of all, no, I just had trouble sleeping, but thank you for pointing out that I look like crap."

"Whatever, you look fine," Alice assured me. "Why couldn't you sleep? You feeling okay?"

"Yes, I just had a bad dream. Edward was performing in a huge concert, and there were thousands of girls, and I was pretty much invisible to him." I decided not to mention dreaming he kissed his younger brother's girlfriend. It made me sound way too pathetic.

"Well that doesn't sound so bad for Edward," Alice said. "I mean, the concert part, not you being invisible."

"I guess," I shrugged. "It was probably just a combination of him turning down the record deal and then him performing at your house last night. My subconscious was working over time."

"The record deal from a few years ago?" Alice asked looking confused.

"No. He didn't tell you?" Oops. I didn't think it was a secret, but I might have been wrong.

"Tell me what?" Alice asked still seeming innocent and sweet. I was just relieved she wasn't frustrated or defensive. I wanted to keep it that way.

"The people who bought some of his songs offered him a big record deal, but he turned it down."

"Why would he do that?" Alice's expression started to darken. Shoot, this wasn't working.

"He said it's not the kind of life he wanted. It would mean touring and being away from his family and having to compromise his musical integrity or something like that," I tried to explain.

"I wonder why he didn't mention it to us when he told us about working as a songwriter. Did this happen before or after the two of you got together?"

"Look, I really didn't think it was a secret. It was probably just kind of a non issue to him. It happened when he was out of town last week for those few days. I guess they put a lot of pressure on him, but he was worried what it would do to our relationship, and he said he didn't want to do anything that would keep us apart from each other for extended amounts of time," I mumbled in an attempt to rescue the conversation. I wasn't sure exactly why, but I felt like I had just opened up a whole new can of worms.

Alice closed her eyes, rested her elbows on the table, and started rubbing her temple with her fingers. "Alice what's wrong?" I questioned.

"I just don't know if this is healthy, Bella, and I don't want to say anything that is going to make it harder between us, but can't you see what's happening?"

"Um…," I searched my mind for what I was supposed to be seeing, "no?"

"Edward is prone to being obsessive about things. He's an all or nothing kind of person, and he goes to extremes. Now that he's decided he loves you, he's gone so extreme about it that he can't see anything else. I don't believe for one second that he doesn't want that recording contract. He's giving up everything for you, and I just think he'll end up resenting you for it once he realizes… no I mean once… once you're not so all-consuming anymore."

"You mean once he's sick of me?" I could feel my bottom lip starting to quiver. I was mad. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut, but even more, I was terrified that she was right.

"No, see, I don't know how to say this without hurting you," Alice looked sincerely distraught which made me feel a little less like I wanted to poke her eyes out. "I know you love each other, but this seems like it's happening really fast, like a whirlwind romance kind of thing. I just worry that once the dust settles, you will both regret making so many huge life altering choices for someone you don't even really know all that well."

"But we know each other…" I argued.

"Bella, do you really believe Edward wouldn't want to record and perform his music? He goes and sings his music on a street corner just to get a few people to listen to it. He's been pouting for almost three years because my parents wouldn't let him sign with that label when he was still in high school. It's his dream, Bella. Trust me; I think I know my brother better than you do."

"So what are you saying I should do? You think I should tell him to sign the contract?" I asked flatly. Every ounce of joy had drained out of my body.

"That's just it. He's so extreme, he would never do it. Now that he's made up his mind that it would take him away from you, there is no changing it. I guess it should make you feel good. He put his relationship with you above everything else he's ever wanted."

I was having trouble getting in enough air, and tears started pricking my eyes. Alice thought I ruined Edward's life. I loved him. I loved him more than anything I'd ever loved before. I loved him so much that it hurt to love him, because I walked around feeling like my heart would explode any second it was so full of love for him. I could tell by the look on her face, she thought I was being selfish, but I hadn't asked him to give up anything. I hadn't pushed him to take the deal, but he said he didn't want it. I really believed he didn't want it.

"Bella, no," Alice whimpered and came around to sit on my side of the table. I was crying, and the only thing holding me back from wailing was the fact that we were in a public place. She wrapped an arm around me and pulled me to her. I shook and cried on her shoulder. It was as if I could feel something inside of me ripping apart.

"What do I do, Alice? I don't know what to do," I cried out after several minutes.

"It's okay, sweetie. There's nothing you can do. He's made up his mind."

"I didn't mean to ruin his life." He'd given me everything, and I'd taken it from him without stopping to think about what it cost. I was the most selfish person in the world.

"I wouldn't say it's ruined. It's okay," she tried to reassure me. "I didn't mean to upset you. I just…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Of course you should have." I started dabbing at my eyes with my napkin. "I don't have any cash, but I think I need to go. Do you mind taking care of this?" I asked trying to pull myself together enough to walk out of the restaurant.

"Of course but Bella, I think we should talk more. You're really upset," Alice pleaded.

"No, I'm fine. I just didn't get much sleep, and I'm really emotional right now. I just want to be alone for a little bit, I think." I stood up and pulled on my jacket.

"But…I…" Alice looked desperate. "Promise you'll call me if you want to talk? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"It's fine. I'll call you later." I grabbed my purse off the floor and walked out of the building as quickly as I could. I got outside, and it was pouring rain. It wasn't the light drizzle I'd seen over the last few days; it was a downpour. I sprinted for the car, but I was still soaked by the time I got inside.

I closed the door, ripped my coat off as quickly as I could get out of it, and threw my head down on the steering wheel to cry more. Why did he lie to me? He said he didn't want it. God, he probably didn't even realize he wanted it. Alice was right; he was all or nothing. He was so near-sighted when it came to situations like this. He really would hate me in a few years when he realized he had given up his dream.

I could tell him. I could convince him to take it, but Alice was right again. He'd already made up his mind it would keep us apart, and he wasn't willing to do that. I could go with him. I could be a full time groupie and follow him from city to city, but I worried he would still resent me. I didn't have a place in that world. Cleopatra would fit in there, but not Bella Swan.

A scream tore through my chest and came out of my mouth as the vision of him kissing Alison played before my eyes again. WHY! Why did I let this happen! I knew from the start it was doomed to failure. I knew it would only bring heartache and pain, but he kept convincing me otherwise. Now what was I supposed to do? Live with the guilt of knowing I'd ruined his life forever?

I never asked him to have a boyhood crush on me. I never asked for any poems or songs or long kisses. Even after I met him and felt his effect on me, I never hoped, I never thought… I never would have wanted this. I never would have let myself want this if he hadn't made me. I didn't pursue him. I didn't drive across the country to ask him on a date. It wasn't my fault. None of it was my fault!

"Damn it!" I screamed and then instantly held my hand over my mouth trying to pull the word back in. I hadn't cussed since 11th grade. Screw it. "Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!" I beat the steering wheel with my fists.

I needed Edward. I needed to see him. Edward always made the things I freaked out about seem small and trivial. As soon as I saw his eyes, I would know this wasn't as terrible as it felt right now.

I put the car in drive and pulled out of the parking lot. I had just gotten onto the highway when it started raining even harder. It was nearly impossible to see through the rain. The traffic was moving slow, and there were a lot of people on the road for a Sunday afternoon. I reached down to turn up the windshield wipers, but they were already at top speed. I was getting more and more frustrated. I needed to get there. I needed to see him. I couldn't wait any longer.

Cars started pulling over to the side of the road because of the rain. This was Seattle! Shouldn't they know how to drive in a little rain here? I couldn't quite make out the lines on the road anymore, but I wasn't about to stop. Even if I had to go five miles per hour, I was going to get back to Edward.

Okay, everyone was stopping now, at least that meant less traffic. I inched forward hoping I didn't hit anything and ruin Edward's new station wagon. After a few more minutes, I thought maybe the rain was letting up. I still couldn't see a thing, but it had to be getting better. Then I saw flashing lights ahead and brake lights directly in front of me. It looked like the police or highway patrol had the road completely blocked ahead. No one could get by. I was stuck.

I turned on the radio trying to find out what in the world was going on. I found the traffic station, and according to the broadcaster, there was a pileup due to some idiot trying to keep going when visibility was clearly obstructed by the rain. I guess I should have pulled over sooner, but there was at least one other idiot out there.

I turned the radio off and listened to the rain hit the roof of the car. Guilt was still clawing at me, and the feeling that I was losing control pounded through my body. I'd messed up. I'd messed everything up for the person I cared about the most. I remembered the words he said, "I'd give it all up for you." He'd meant it. He did it. I should have stopped him then; he shouldn't have told me he didn't want the contract. How could I live with myself knowing I was holding him back?

I was driving myself mad thinking about it, so I turned on the radio again and pushed the first preset station.

Bittersweet memories are all I'm taking with me….

You've got to be kidding me!

And Ieeeeeaaayyyeee will always love youuuuuuuuuu. I will always looooooove youoooooooo…..

I felt resigned tears start falling down my cheeks again. I couldn't listen to this crap. I hit the next station.

Near, far, wherever you are…I believe that the heart does go on……

Seriously! I pinched myself thinking I must still be having some sort of sick and twisted nightmare, but I didn't wake up.

I punched the radio off and stared straight ahead. I sat there and stared and thought for a long time. It took a couple of hours before the rain let up and wreck was cleared. In the end, I knew it came down to one question. Did I love Edward more than I loved myself? He was willing to give up what he wanted for me, and if I really truly loved him like I said I did, I would do the same thing for him. Even if it would hurt me beyond repair, it was the only answer.

I'd never done anything really significant or noble. I'd never been a hero. I'd never saved a child or even agreed to send $20 a month so those African kids on TV could go to school. I didn't even spend holidays with my dad when I knew it would mean a lot to him. This was going to be the only thing I'd ever done for anyone else that ever mattered, and it was probably going to kill me. The thought of even waking up in a world without Edward was unbearable, but this wasn't about what I wanted. This was about what he needed. He needed to follow his dreams. He needed to fly, and he didn't need me holding him back.

The rain slowed down, and the traffic finally started to move. By the time I got to the hotel, it was mid afternoon. I was supposed to be back a couple of hours ago. I was so tired from crying and not sleeping the night before, that I could barely see straight. I put myself on auto pilot. I refused to let myself feel anything else. I would just do what had to be done.

I punched the button on the elevator. I rode up to our floor. I slid the keycard in and out. I opened the door. I took a step inside. A frantic Edward turned to me with relief on his face, crossed the room in a few quick steps, and pulled me into a hug.

"Oh my god, where have you been? I was so worried something happened to you. You left your cell here, and Alice told me you left the restaurant hours ago. Are you okay? Bella, what's the matter?" He brushed my hair back over my shoulder, and ran his hands up and down my arms like he was trying to warm me up.

"I…I'm fine. There was a bad wreck, and no one could see in the rain. I didn't sleep well last night, and I'm really tired." Auto pilot. I had to stay on auto pilot.

Edward took my face in his hands, rubbed his thumbs over my cheeks a couple of times, and kissed me. I couldn't help but respond, but with every touch I could feel myself breaking apart piece by piece.

"Come here." Edward took my hand and led me to the bed. He sat me down and ran his hands over my legs picking them up off the floor and removing my shoes for me. He moved his hands back up my legs until he reached the button on my jeans. He started to unhook it, when I whimpered, "Edward, I…"

"Shhh, I'm just putting you to bed. I can tell you need to rest. You look exhausted." He helped me move my jeans down my legs, and his touch set my skin on fire but burned my soul at the same time. The way he was looking at me and taking care of me was so tender. How could I give this up? I needed to tell him. I needed to do whatever it took to make him go, but I didn't know if I had the strength. One more night, I finally told myself. I would selfishly let myself have one more night with him, and then I would do what I had to do.

He pulled the covers back, and I crawled underneath them. He tucked me in, and kissed me softly. "Lay with me?" I asked trying to hide how desperate I felt.

"I just woke up a few hours ago," he replied.

"Please? Just for a little bit?" I begged.

"Of course," he smiled at me, took off his pants and his shirt, and climbed in beside me, pulling my back up against his chest. I could feel the tears escaping out of my eyes again, but I willed my body to be still hoping he wouldn't notice. Edward started humming one of my songs to me, and I told myself to forget this day ever happened. I told myself to let myself be cherished just this once. I told myself to hold on to this moment forever.

It was completely dark by the time I woke up. I hadn't meant to fall asleep, but I was glad for the reprieve from the hurt. I felt Edward lazily drawing circles on my arm. "Did you stay in bed with me that whole time?" I asked.

"Where else would I want to be?" he replied. "We didn't get anything done today."

"I know." I thought about saying we could do it later, but I didn't want to lie to him.

"I was thinking that maybe we could make the third bedroom into a music room for now, until we need it for something else," he suggested.

I didn't say anything.

"Bella?"

"What?"

"What do you think about a music room?" I turned around so that I could see his face. I might have been preparing to do something selfless, but right then I did the most selfish thing I possibly could have done. I kissed him. I climbed on top of him, taking off my shirt, and I kissed him again.

Edward responded by rolling me onto my back, and I was only satisfied when the desperation in his touches mirrored my own. I needed to feel him one more time. I needed to know again, so that I could always remember, what it felt like to be consumed by another person. I needed to show him one more time without words just how much I really did feel for him, so that maybe he would remember this too.

Over and over again I took from his love his devotion his physical expression of our bond until we were both sweaty and tired and content to be tangled up in each other and just breathe.

"I love you," he whispered for what I knew would be the last time.

Saying it back would only complicate things further, so instead I told the truth, "I know."

He fell asleep and I got up, put a t-shirt on, sat on the chair next to the bed, and watched him for as long as I could stand it. I finally lay back down in the bed, but I didn't sleep. It was sometime early in the morning when he finally stirred and our eyes met. He greeted me with a soft smile. I wanted to give myself one more day. Maybe the morning to pretend that everything was fine, but I couldn't.

"Ahh my sleeping schedule is all messed up now, and I'm starving. I haven't eaten since I got up yesterday." He stretched and then brushed the hair out of my face.

I sat up, put my feet on the floor, and looked down. I'd been trying for hours to come up with a plan, a strategy, some way to make this okay, and all I knew was that I had to do whatever it took to get him to go.

"What's the matter?" Edward asked sitting up on one elbow and putting a hand on my shoulder.

"I did some thinking."

"And?"

"I'm going to get the job in New York. I want to live in New York," I told him.

"Why? What made you change your mind? I thought we decided…" He moved his hand down my arm and tried to turn me to him, but I didn't want to look at him.

"This is about me, Edward. Don't you realize what kind of opportunity that is? To work for Newsweek? How could you possibly ask me not to pursue that?"

"Wait, I never asked you… If you want to live in New York, we can live in New York." He was trying to stay calm, but I could sense the edge in his voice.

"I want to go alone."

There was silence.

"I've had fun with you, but there's no way this is going to last. You're too young and inexperienced, and well you're just not what I need." My face muscles constricted and fought back the urge to cry. I couldn't cry. If I did he would be able to wear me down.

"Bella, look at me," Edward said forcefully.

I shook my head no, letting my hair fall over my face. He got out of bed and stood in front of me.

"You don't mean that. You don't mean any of it. Now what's going on?"

"I'm breaking up with you," my voice squeaked.

"No, you're not." Confusion was written across his face.

"I am." I said more decidedly. "I think you need to go."

"Why are you doing this? I know you love me." He grabbed my face forcing me to look at him.

"No." I pushed his hands away from me. "We both got what we wanted. You made it with Cleopatra, and I made it with Alice's brother, just like I always joked about. Joke's over. You need to go."

Hurt washed over his face, and I knew I'd hit him where it hurt. I stood up and started putting the rest of his clothes in his bag.

"You're lying. Tell me why you're lying," he finally raised his voice. I just tossed his shirt at him and kept getting his things ready. He didn't get dressed. He didn't move.

"Please, please just go," I begged. "Nothing you can say will change my mind. It's over." I swallowed the vomit that had made its way up my throat.

"Bella, please, I don't know what I did. I'm sorry. I love you. We can figure everything out," he begged and the tears in his eyes broke my heart.

"It's not you. It's me. I mean it is you. You're just not enough. I'm sorry." I didn't want to be mean, but he was making me be mean. God, I loved him so much. I just prayed this was worth it. I prayed he became everything he was meant to be. I prayed he'd realize one day that I had given him this gift, and that he could stop hating me.

He dropped his gaze from me, took a deep breath, and stomped into the bathroom shaking the walls as he slammed the door. I didn't think about anything except breathing in and out. If I could just keep breathing I wouldn't fall apart.

A few minutes later, he came out dressed and I held out his bag to hand it to him. He just glared at me, so I set it down on the floor in front of him and looked at the ground.

"You're going to regret this, Bella. I promise you; you're going to regret this," he picked up his bag off the floor, and when I raised my eyes to his face, there was disgust in his eyes.

"I know," I whispered as he turned and shut the door behind him.

A/N: Please don't hate me. You know what…it's okay if you hate me. Go ahead – hit that review button and tell me how much you hate me. Come on do it! Get it all out. I'm a therapist and I'm giving you this session for free. I'm

A little angst makes the story better, but I don't believe in drawn out angst, so take heart.

If you leave a review I'll send you an EPOV. I'm not above shameless bribing. It's not quite finished yet, so it might be a day or two. Oh and sorry I didn't reply to reviews. I meant to go back and answer questions – I just haven't yet. I suck, but it's been a busy writing week and um, well… SORRY!

This may not be the best time to suggest you put me on Author Alert, but I'll be starting a new story soon. I'm not sure when I'll start posting, but you know me – I get antsy.