There's a bitter sharp bite to the wind as I follow Hook down the streets of Storybrooke, back to his house with Emma. I should know better by now that it's not just the cool evening breeze that's causing the cruel icy bite, but instead a foreshadowing of what's to come once I step foot in the Swan-Jones' home.
I'm dreading this conversation to the point where my anxiety is actually making my stomach twist and turn into knots not even the pirate can tie. I'm swallowing down the large mass of fear swelling in the back of my throat but that action is only causing more nausea. My muscles are quivering involuntarily and for a moment I believe my worst moment in life where Emma Swan sat by and watched me vomit uncontrollably on that airplane, is about to occur all over again. Except it's worse because it would be Hook watching me this time.
We climb the wooden porch leading up to their house and I remain a few steps behind him so he doesn't notice the trembling buzzing from my body. He pauses just before he opens the front door, persuading my eyes to finally look up from the ground and scrutinize how he knocks instead of unlocking the door and walking right in.
My brows furrow from the confusion and just as my mouth pops open to question the peculiar act, Emma swings open the front door. She smiles at first, but when her eyes flick to her former friend lingering behind her husband, her face falls.
Hope is cradled comfortably against Emma's chest in one arm, drinking her bottle, while Emma's other hand is clenching the doorknob so tight she's effectively cut off all blood circulation through her fingers.
"Uh..." is all that tumbles from her mouth that's hanging open.
"We need to talk," Hook sternly informs her, encouraging the sheriff's feet to shuffle backwards and grant us permission inside. Which I still find rather odd since they share this home.
I gently close the door behind me, not wanting to disturb the sleepy baby peacefully drinking her bottle. Emma's eyes suspiciously bounce from her husband's to mine, repeatedly as she waits for someone to explain the sudden reunion.
"Uh, I guess we can take a seat in the living room?" She meekly suggests, so unsure of what to say or how to approach this situation, but I myself feel exactly the same way.
"I don't believe it's appropriate that I am here," I voice my opinion and glance back at the former pirate, "but he demanded that I come."
"Killian," she warns, her tone growing colder and more accusing as her eyes narrow, but he simply shakes his head.
"No, enough. I can't go on like this. It ends tonight," he assertively declares, marching straight into the living room and flicking on the lights. "Take a seat, Regina," he sternly commands and by his tone, I know there's no room for argument and something in my gut is telling me to sit down and listen to what needs to be said.
I quietly claim a seat at the far end of her long silky grey couch, practically becoming one with the armrest while Emma sinks down onto the opposite end, resting Hope's head on the armrest. Hook stands in front of the fireplace, pacing like a madman as he sorts through his thoughts. I notice right away how Emma busies herself with Hope; tracing her soft cheek and button nose, studying her like she's never really seen her before, ultimately turning my insides to mush.
"Emma, would you like to start?" Hook offers, tearing glistening green eyes away from her baby girl to meet his stoic gaze.
They peer into each other's eyes, holding a silent conversation for a brief moment before Emma nods curtly. She doesn't take her eyes off her husband when she says, "I've been trying to explain everything, but you won't listen." My eyes flick between the two because I'm not really sure who she is speaking to yet. "Regina," she swallows thickly and finally turns just a tiny bit to face me, "there's just no way Killian is Hope's father."
"Emma, we've been through this-"
"Regina," Hook quickly interrupts me with such a stern tone, I find my mouth slamming shut immediately. "You need to listen. Emma and I hadn't slept together before or after the trip. The dates do not add up."
"When we came back from Henry's new realm, I went straight to Whale and he did an ultrasound. Hope was conceived the week of the California trip and there is only one person I slept with," Emma explains, while Hook shifts uncomfortably in front of us and my blood boils just below the surface.
"Emma, no. There's no way it's possible. We are two women, we were in a land without magic, we do not have true love and need I remind you that I drank a potion to ensure I could never reproduce."
"I don't care what your excuses are anymore Regina, you're the only person I have been with and I would like you to take a paternity test," she requests with conviction.
My stomach curls and twists so painfully from the thought of Hope actually being mine, that I almost double over in pain. My eyes flick to Hook's and for the first time I actually notice the pain swelling in those baby blues.
"Hook?" My mouth suddenly spews because I need to hear what this man has to say.
He's Emma's husband, he watched her stomach grow for nine months, I assume he was there when Hope was born and he's been watching her grow ever since. I have seen him feed her and play with her and carry her around like she is his and he stares at her like she's his everything.
Thick tears well up in my eyes and suddenly my mouth is filling with a bitter acid that forcefully stops anymore words from forming.
His eyes flutter closed as he slowly shakes his head. "Hope's not mine. I've known all along." He swallows hard to bury the emotions tickling at the back of his throat before his eyes finally open and meet mine. "We didn't think we'd ever see you again, so I vowed to help Emma and stay by her side. After everything, I still love Emma," his eyes trail back to green ones that are shimmering with emotions and they both smile at one another. "It's a different type of love now and I just couldn't abandon her and the baby."
"Regina," Emma softly whispers and that's when I notice Hope is fast asleep in her arms. "Killian and I aren't together. He promised to help me with Hope, whatever we may need and he's been wonderful. He went to some of the doctor's appointments when my mother couldn't attend, he helped me set up her room, he sat in the waiting room while my mom was in the delivery room with me and he even helps now, whenever I need a sitter. He's been so supportive and helped through everything, knowing Hope is not his."
"I love her, as if she were my own, but I always remind myself that she's not mine. I still want to be apart of her life. Take her fishing, teach her how to sail, but I understand that she has two parents already," Hook sadly explains and that's when I feel a warm tear sliding down my cheek. "See, you were wrong about what you saw in the diner..."
"What happened in the diner?" Emma curiously questions, this new information piquing her interest.
"Regina saw me with Tink."
"Oh," a small smile graces Emma's face, confusing my mind all over again. "Regina, like I said, Killian and I are not together. Actually, we have become best friends now, but anyways he's with Tink now. They found happiness and I am happy for them," she softly divulges as her fingers dance soothingly across Hope's head.
"I-" my words become lost in a sea of emotions and I'm not quite sure what to say at this point.
"How about I take the little tike upstairs, tuck her in and you two can speak in private?" Killian suggests as he bends down and scoops Hope into his arms.
"Wait!" Emma laughs as she jumps from the couch and rushes into the other room.
"I do see where Emma is coming from," Hook absentmindedly says as his eyes take in Hope's peaceful face. "Her eyes, those cheeks, her hair," his shiny blue irises dart back toward me, "she's all you, Your Majesty," he quietly confesses, ceasing my heart and stealing all the air from my lungs.
"Here," Emma breathes out with a pink rubber piece in her hand. Hook chuckles softly, not to disturb sleeping beauty as Emma slides the rubber guard onto the tip of his metal hook. "Thanks."
"No problem," he smiles before heading upstairs with Hope still fast asleep.
Emma exhales slowly as she cautiously slides back down onto the couch. She tucks one leg beneath her and fiddles with the stitching on her jeans as a distraction. "So..."
I swallow back the urge to empty the contents of my stomach and think about what I really want to say, but for some horrifying reason, I cannot think of one word to say. Clearly finding out that I have a daughter is the one thing that can effectively render me speechless.
"So, are you going to take the test?" Emma tentatively questions, expressing just how nervous she is about all of this.
"You knew," I'm not sure if it's a question or a spiteful acknowledgement, but it's the first thing that slips passed my dry lips.
"To be fair, I tried telling you a lot, but you refused to listen to reason and you constantly cut me off," she defends, immediately growing defensive, but I just slump in defeat, because she's right and I have no right to be angry in the moment.
Except that I am, I'm furious, livid, but that rage is all for myself. If I would have just listened, things could have turned out so differently, but still, I have my speculations and doubts about all of this.
"Emma, I told you about the potion, I'm barren," I softly argue.
"I understand, but I'm telling you Regina there's no other explanation. Can you please just take the test so we can move on and put all these unanswered questions to rest? Maybe we can speak with Blue, maybe she has a logical explanation."
"Alright," I gently agree, the word just barely making it passed my lips.
"Why are you so abnormally quiet?"
"I-I honestly don't know what to say," I croak out through my dry throat and I wince at how unsure and distorted my voice sounds when it resonates back in my ears.
"Okay..." she stretches out the word for as long as possible as she continues picking at her jeans. "Well, do you even want to know if she's yours? Would you even want her?"
This awakens the fierce mayor within and smacks me back to reality. "What? How could you even ask that? Of course I want her. I've wanted her since the day you told me you were pregnant," I firmly declare, my body running hot from the rude accusation against me.
"Then why did you run?" Her furious eyes flick to mine in a challenge that I didn't realize how much I truly missed until now. "Why didn't you just stay? We could have worked something out. Even if she was Hook's you knew I wanted to be with you," she implores for a reasonable explanation and the pain flickering in her eyes sends a searing blade straight through my heart.
"I thought she was Hook's and I thought she deserved both of her parents without some evil villain ripping her family apart. It wasn't fair and you thought so yourself."
"But I knew in my heart that he wasn't the father, why couldn't you have believed me?" Her voice trembles recklessly and I know she's on the verge of tears.
"It just didn't make sense, it still doesn't make sense."
"You're seriously still denying her?" She accusingly spits in my face with hurt and rejection etching bitterly into her pale complexion.
"I'm not denying her! I just-it's hard to believe."
"Well Killian took a DNA test the day she was born just to confirm our suspicions and it came back negative. He's not her father and you are the only other person I slept with. Are you still so unsure?"
"Why are you lashing out on me? Any sane person would have suspected exactly what I did. I'm not the bad guy here, I was trying to do the right thing!"
"Well congratulations, you nice guyed your way out of your daughter's life!"
And that right there is what crushes every piece deep inside of me. 'Your daughter'. My daughter. I have a daughter of my own and I missed out on her life inside of Emma and I missed the day she was brought into the world and I missed the last five months of her life.
Burning hot tears rapidly fill my eyes and the brick of emotions I just collided with is far too much to ignore or force away. There are no words to describe the sensation filling my heart from the idea of that precious, beautiful baby being a part of me and a part of Emma.
"Regina?" She timidly questions and I can only assume how tormented I must appear right now.
"I swear I didn't know," I choke on the words, attempting to justify my actions, but I know the truth is I abandoned her and our baby and there's just no excuse.
"I know you didn't," she scoots forward just a hair and rests her hand upon my thigh. "I do know you better than anyone and I know you would have never left if you thought for one second that Hope was yours," she sincerely whispers, but it doesn't ease the pain crumpling my heart like a flimsy piece of paper.
"I'm so sorry, I wasn't there...god...I-I missed so much," I try to keep my heavy sob trapped inside my mouth so I sniffle away the tears.
"She's only five months old, Regina. She'll never know that you weren't here."
My head falls back to the couch as I press my fists into my eyes, pleading with myself not to cry. I've missed out on so much and those are rare and precious moments that I can never get back. I understand that Hope will never know the difference, but I know and it will haunt me for the rest of my life.
"Hey," Hook's gentle voice, catches my attention, forcing me to wipe away my tears and face reality once again. "She's fast asleep, I'm going to take off and give you two some space."
"Sure," Emma quickly stands up and walks him to the front door. "Thanks again," she whispers as she opens the door.
"No problem," he glances back at me and offers a weak smile before he slips out the door.
Emma nervously shuffles back into the room and sits down at the opposite end of the couch again, offering me some space to breathe in this moment.
"So...are you going to take the test?"
"Of course I am. I need to know the truth." She nods along, but it's so abundantly clear that she has no idea what to say next and even if she does, she is far too nervous to say what's really on her mind. "Does anyone besides Hook know?"
"Well, everyone knows she isn't Hook's, but I have avoided the question of sperm donor," she teases, but my heart isn't in it. "My mom and dad know that I am adamant about you, but they are waiting for the paternity test as well to confirm."
I groan, my head automatically rolling back against the couch once again to stare aimlessly at the ceiling above. "Did your father threaten to hunt me down? Is your mother ready to burn me at the stake?"
"No," and out of my peripheral vision I catch her rolling those big green eyes playfully. "They were shocked at first, but you know my mom, she's the spokes person for happy endings. I'm fairly confident she receives a commission for every happy ending that she forces upon people. I'm sure the payment was pretty hefty for the Evil Queen and Savior creating a baby from true love."
"What?" I shriek, lifting my head to meet her gaze.
"I'm kidding," she exasperates.
"No, does Snow really believes that we..."
"We..."
"True love?" I question through my dry, scratchy throat.
"Oh...uh...yeah, she thinks it's the only way we could have created Hope in a land without magic," she replies, anxiously fiddling with her fingers to avoid my stern gaze.
"And what do you believe?"
Emma groans, rolling her eyes and neck in a way that reminds me so much of our son. "I think we need to speak with Blue." I nod just once, unsure of what to believe in this moment. My thoughts are all scrambled and shuffling from one thought to the next that I can't actually process a thing right now. There's far too much information and yet not enough to think coherently. "So, where do we go from here?"
"I believe tomorrow we visit Whale and have him do a paternity test and then depending on the results, we take it from there."
"And...us?"
"I think it's best if we just focus on one thing at a time. We need to confirm that Hope is really mine before we discuss anything else and we need to speak with Blue about how all of this was possible if I'm barren and she was conceived in a land without magic," I firmly explain, but I can't even begin to process our relationship right now, Hope is my top priority right now.
I did just spend ten years trying to get over Emma Swan, even though it really didn't work, because I love her just as much as the day I left, at least I know I can survive. Do I really want to put myself out there again and risk the heartache all over? I don't know if my heart can take anymore abuse.
"I understand," she claims, but the thick sadness coating her words tells a different story of hurt and rejection. "Well tomorrow I'll call Whale and set up an appointment and then I'll call Blue and see if she will meet us to discuss everything."
"Thank you," I politely offer as I stand from her couch. She studies my moves carefully as I proceed to her front door, eventually I make it close enough that she leaps from the couch and meets me in the foyer. The idea of leaving them both behind tonight breaks my heart and suddenly..."Would it be alright if I peeked in her room before I leave? I promise I won't wake her."
"Oh, of course. This way," she smiles, leading the path up the stairs quietly while I follow her every move, careful not to make a sound.
The hall light is already on when we reach the second floor and I follow her down the hall into a room across from what I assume is her bedroom. Then again, I've never really been up here, except once when she was the Dark One and I was searching for her, but I never paid close attention because I was so worried about her at the time.
Emma steps aside and motions for me to enter. The room is glowing in a soft pale yellow from Hope's nightlight that projects stars above her crib. I frown, realizing how much I don't actually know about my daughter and tip toe into her room. A beautiful cherry wood crib is pressed up against the far wall and the craftsmanship is so intricate that I assume Marco built this for them.
Carefully, I peek over the crib to find Hope peacefully sleeping on her back. Her little hands are placed on either side of her head as she sleeps soundly in her purple fuzzy pajamas that has a butterfly embroidered onto the left chest. Her dark long lashes are fluttering as she dreams and her thin pale lips are slightly parted as she breathes a steady rhythm and my heart aches again knowing I've missed so much.
Unconditional love swells in my heart as I watch this beautiful baby sleep and there's nothing I have ever longed for like the temptation of scooping her up in my arms and holding her close again. My fingers are already itching to sweep her dark silky strands to one side as I watch her chest slowly rise and fall.
"She won't wake up, she's usually a deep sleeper...once she's down," Emma softly whispers from the doorway and I know she's unsure if she should step inside or give us some privacy.
I just nod, still worried I might wake her, but then my fingers are stretching forward and delicately brushing her hair to one side. I smile down at Hope once the loving sensation washes through my body and I just wish I could take her home with me.
Slowly, I creep away from her crib and back out the door. Emma and I cannot find a word to say as I follow her back downstairs and to her front door. She turns the knob and swings the door wide for me to exit, but I pause and tentatively smile at her.
"I am so sorry, about everything."
"I know, Regina. I do understand."
"Thank you for allowing me to say goodnight."
"She's your daughter," my face immediately falls because I still have my speculations, "I don't need some test to know she's yours. I see it everyday in those eyes and her smile. I would never keep you away from her."
"Thank you," I whisper as my emotions quickly bubble right back up to the surface.
"Good night, Regina. We will see you tomorrow."
"Good night, Emma."