(I expressly forbid you to mess with any of my readers, okay Universe? You've got the disclaimer, and that's enough. Don't get greedy on me.)
I do not own the Legend of Zelda. But I do own Superman. Seriously, dude, get a better disguise than glasses. It's not that hard to see past.
(I know right? I swear, the entire human population in his world is either blind or incredibly stupid. Rather like Amity Park, now that I think about it.)
"So, Ganon is somewhere in there, right?" Gen asked.
"Yep," Realm affirmed. "We just have to find him."
"...We have to what?" Sketch said in a slightly panicked tone.
"We're doomed," Mask decided.
"Hey, it's not that bad," Realm protested. "We just have to make our way through an incredibly complicated dungeon infested with monster hordes without any sort of map or guide- oh."
"And you're the one leading us through..." Blue moaned.
"You're right, we are doomed," Ocarina said to his counterpart.
"It can't be that bad, can it?" the Four asked.
Shadow, who up to this point was enjoying the horror of his traveling companions, snorted and rolled his eyes.
"Up to this point," he said, "you've spent multiple hours lost in the country of Hyrule. The country of Hyrule. This is a dungeon. A multi-roomed, trap-filled, monster-infested death hole that also probably has lava, because that's Ganon's style. Do you want to rethink your question?"
The Four gulped. "We stand corrected. We are indeed doomed."
"Okay, really?" Realm questioned. "I know I don't have the best directional sense, but that doesn't mean I can't find something. It just takes me a few more days than it does for everyone else."
"How do you not hear yourself when you say that?" Lore asked.
"Hey, we can talk about Realm's directional sense later," Gen interrupted. "We've got a dungeon to go through, and the sooner we start the sooner we be done with it two days later. Okay?"
Realm looked at him curiously. "It only takes you two days to get through a dungeon?"
There was a moment of silence as everyone stared.
"...You're right, we're doomed," Gen decided. "Let's just... go before I regret this."
Realm, looking distinctly nonplussed, went first through the small entrance in the mountain, since it was still his native Hyrule. Everyone else took a deep breath, steeled themselves for the ordeal ahead, and slowly followed suit. Shadow, on the other hand, snickered. He was looking forward to watching the Links bumble around in a dungeon for the next few days or so.
For some reason, when Ganon had made his lair inside of the mountain, he had ignored the stereotypical conventions of villainy. While most evil lairs would be positioned in the very center of the mountain, or possibly the very back, Ganon's room was off to the left and more forwards than anything else.
The considerable upside to this was that any Hero trying to find him had to get through the entirety of the inside of the mountain before being able to reach Ganon's room.
The considerable downside to this was that if Ganon ever actually wanted to go anywhere outside his lair, he would have to make the exact same trip. Twice. Once to get out, and once to get back in. Right now, Ganon was making his way back in so that he could confront the Hero there. For some reason, both Ganon and the Hero naturally assumed that the final fight had to happen inside Ganon's lair. Therefore, both Ganon and the Hero headed for the lair.
Of course, Ganon was several days ahead of the Hero by this point. He also had a master key to all the dungeon doors, so actually getting to his lair was relatively easy.
It was the boredom that was getting to him now.
"I was always aware," the Ganon known as 'Original' grumbled to one of his minions, "that the Hero was a bit of a buffoon with directions. This place was designed with that in mind, after all." He waved a hand at the surrounding walls. "Because I had to prevent him from getting to Zelda, see."
The Like-like made a squishy noise of general agreement.
"I didn't want him to get here," Original Ganon continued. "The harder I could make it, the better, because that assured he wouldn't find his way at all. The Princess and the Triforce would be mine forever."
The Like-like bounced in place and made another squishing noise.
"But now I actually do want the Hero to get here, if only to crush him into a pulp and ensure I never go back to that imprisonment ever again," Original Ganon said with a hint of a snarl. "But because his sense of direction is so incredibly abysmal, it may take him weeks to get here."
The Like-like just bounced again.
"And I have nothing to do in the meantime!" Original Ganon growled. "I can't even set more traps because that would delay him even more!"
The Like-like squished something and bounced yet again.
"Because I want the satisfaction of killing him myself, that's why! Death traps are so... anticlimactic."
Squish, bounce bounce jiggle.
"That's exactly correct. Now go and get your friends, I want to see if Like-likes really do taste like Jell-O."
Ecstatic squishing.
"It had darn well better be an honor," Original Ganon agreed.
"Alright guys, which way?" Realm asked.
"We don't know any better than you do," Speck replied. "Also, I think the fact that we're only in the first room and you already seem to be lost does not bode well. At all."
Immediately after entering the dungeon, the Links had been confronted with a choice. They could either go left, or straight. Neither way was offering any clues as to which was correct, and the old man who had appeared had taken one look at the group, lost a battle with logic, and passed out. The presence of more than one Triforce, as well as more than one Hero, had been a bit overwhelming for the poor elder.
"I vote straight," Blue said.
"Why's that?"
"Because the old guy passed out in front of the left one," Blue answered. Everyone considered that for a moment, then simultaneously decided Blue had a good idea and went straight. And were promptly attacked by Like-likes.
"Bad squishy!" Red yelped, in the middle a tug-of-war match over his shield. Green and Vio ran over and grabbed Red's shield, helping him pull. Blue, the Four, and Gen were dealing with some Zols that had ambushed the group after the Like-like attack. Everyone else was watching Realm like a hawk. With the amount of times he lost his items without an enemy actively trying to steal them, they weren't letting him out of their sight.
At that moment, one of the enemies dropped a key. Wind scooped it up and ran to the left, and everyone else followed suit.
And then they were attacked by Lanmolas.
"Oh, this is going brilliantly," Lore snarked.
The next room was underground and full of Keese.
"Not the Zubat caves!" Mask yelled.
"We still don't have Repel!" Blue agreed.
They were both promptly whacked upside the head for breaking things.
In the next room, despite all efforts to the contrary, Realm lost his shield to a Like-like. The group was currently playing a rather complicated game of tag with the anemone-like creature in an attempt to get it back.
"How can something with no legs move so fast?!" Steam gasped, sprinting for all he was worth.
In a different room, they got attacked by Wizzrobes. This time the enemies were actually defeated with relative ease, and the Links started to feel a bit better about the whole endeavor.
Then they noticed that they'd lost Realm somewhere.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," Sketch grumbled.
Thus happened the first backtrack of the dungeon.
"But I did find a Compass," Realm argued. "So it was kinda worth it."
"You found a hidden item by getting lost, running from Zols, Like-likes, and Wizzrobes, and accidentally using bombs. Multiple times," Dusk deadpanned. "I don't know how you even do that."
"...Random luck and karma?"
The next room had a Patra.
"...Nope," Lore decided, and promptly headed out the door in the back.
Nothing else really happened in the room after that.
By this point in the dungeon, the entire group had adopted Mask and Ocarina's bombing philosophy, and were lighting explosives next to every wall they could reach. They also killed some small shrimp-looking things in the process, but nobody particularly cared about that.
And then Realm got lost through one of the bombed holes-in-the-walls.
And thus happened the second backtrack of the dungeon.
Getting back on track after finding Realm again, the Links were confronted with another Patra.
"Oh, I don't like you..." Lore growled. "Alright then, everybody take a drone. Slash on three."
Everybody slashed on three. The main drone was defeated rather easily after that.
"...Huh," Dusk said. "For all the fuss you made over the last one, I expected it to be harder than that."
"Oh, shut up," Lore grumbled. "I forgot about superior numbers."
Unnoticed by the group, as they filed out into another portion, was the piece of paper that the Patra had dropped. Which was rather inconvenient, because it was the dungeon map. Shadow, on the other hand, noticed this almost immediately.
But he was having too much fun laughing at the rest of the group, so he decided not to tell anyone.
The philosophy of 'There are very few problems that cannot be solved with a large amount of explosives' was coming in very handy. There were so many bomb-able walls that the Links were in explosive heaven. Of course, the other problem with this was that having so many options in the walls meant more places for Realm to get lost in.
And thus happened the third backtrack of the dungeon.
"Okay, this is getting a little ridiculous," Gen decided as they all trudged back the way they came.
"Not the Bubbles! Not the Bubbles!" Realm shrieked as he sprinted around the room in a panic. Behind him, three bright orange spherical monsters rolled along the walls at a steady pace. They were also following the Hero of Hyrule to the best of their wall-restricted ability.
"...I fail to see the problem with this," Wind admitted as he watched the chase.
"They don't die!" Realm yelled as he shot past.
"Ah," Steam said, nodding wisely. "That would do it."
"Mask?"
"Yeah, Blue?"
"The next time we end up in a Market, remind me to buy some Repel. These Zubat caves are driving me crazy."
Half the group proceeded to whack Blue upside the head.
"You have a problem," Green told his brother.
"Hey, these things drop bombs!" Dusk discovered, having just defeated something called a Vire. There was suddenly a mad scramble to defeat the other Vires in the room, as bombs were something no Link wanted to be without.
Well, Shadow didn't care much. Then again, he could spawn a bomb five times the size of his body, so he didn't have much need for boring, regular sized explosives.
"Ooh, shiny," Red exclaimed, picking up a key lying in the corner of the current room. Behind him, Lore was being chased by the Bubbles this time, and the rest of the group was dealing with a pack of Wizzrobes. Once everything killable was taken care of, Lore was rescued from the Bubbles. He joined the group in the middle of the room and eyed the monsters warily.
"I can see why you don't like those things, Realm," he said.
There was no response.
"Are you kidding me?!"
And thus happened the fourth backtrack of the dungeon.
The next room, after backtracking to find Realm back in the second 'Zubat cave', had the Links fighting another group of Wizzrobes. Unlike the groups beforehand, though, these dropped a key once they had been beaten.
"That's like, three now, right?" Steam asked as Speck picked up the key. "Maybe we should go and find what they unlock?"
"Good plan," Gen said. "Also, none of these walls are bomb-able. I think we hit a dead end."
"I'm actually kinda surprised we hadn't hit one sooner," Ocarina mused.
And thus happened the fifth backtrack of the dungeon. Except it didn't involve Realm this time.
"There is no 'next room'," Mask argued. "We're in a dead-end room!"
"Go to the next room," the old man repeated.
"There's no doorway!"
"Go to the next room," the old man said again.
"Are you even listening to me?" Mask questioned.
"Go to the next room."
"I'm trying to tell you, we can't."
"Go to the next room," the old man intoned.
Mask stared. "Okay, are you broken or something? You're starting to creep me out."
"Go to the next room."
The Four hurried over and collectively grabbed Mask's hand. "We found the next room. Steam bombed a wall and found a hole."
"Thank goodness," Mask said. "This guy is seriously getting weird."
"Go to the next room," The old man repeated as the group left. Shadow paused on the way out and handed the man a red Rupee, which was quickly pocketed.
"Pleasure doing business with you," Shadow said softly. The old man winked.
"Go to the next room."
"Yeah, yeah," Shadow said, waving a hand and exiting. The old man waited for a moment, then smiled.
"Thank you for going to the next room."
"ZUBAT CAVES!" Blue bellowed, waving his sword around frantically at the surrounding horde of Keese. Green raised a hand to smack him, paused, and sighed.
"You know what? I give up."
"Aaaaand there's another Patra," Lore sighed. "Same thing as last time, everyone."
The monster was finished within seconds, which was good.
But Realm was missing again, which was bad.
And thus happened the sixth backtrack of the dungeon.
"Anyone else getting a little tired of these things?" Ocarina asked as the group dealt with another group of Wizzrobes.
"Yeah, a little bit," Sketch replied. "But at least they're easy with a numbers advantage."
The next room was also full of Wizzrobes. It also had Bubbles.
"Not again!" Realm yelled as he ran.
"Somebody who's not Blue, go and grab those arrows," Realm said. "We need those to beat Ganon."
"Why not me?" Blue asked.
"Because you're going to start yelling about Zubat caves and get completely distracted," Realm replied.
"I got it," Wind said, climbing up the ladder and grabbing the item. He turned around and waved, then paused, confused.
"Where'd he go?"
"He said he was getting a better view-" Gen started, then groaned.
"He went left," Dusk said, already heading off.
And thus happened the seventh backtrack of the dungeon.
"SHIELDS!" Realm bellowed, just in time to block a Blade Trap intent on decapitating them. Unfortunately, this attracted the attention of the Like-likes that were also in the room, leading to a very interesting series of movements where the Links both tried not to get killed and not to lose their only source of protection keeping them from getting killed.
This lasted all the way to the door, where the attack abruptly ceased as the last Link exited.
And then they got attacked by the Like-likes of the next room.
There were also Wizzrobes.
And a Bubble.
"I am seriously starting to hate this dungeon," Mask grumbled as he hefted his sword yet again.
The group was in yet another underground passage infested with Keese. Blue had already been threatened with bodily harm if he broke any more walls, so there was silence for once.
And then Realm got lost in the dark.
"I'm going to strangle him, I swear," Lore muttered as the group turned around.
And thus happened the eighth backtrack of the dungeon.
The next room had even more Wizzrobes, and more Blade Traps intent on decapitation. Everyone was rather fed up with fighting at this point, so they decided to bomb everything instead and get it over with. Conveniently one of the bombs revealed another hidden entrance.
Then Realm realized he'd lost his sword back in one of the underground Keese passages.
And thus happened the ninth backtrack of the dungeon.
"Question," Green said as everybody ran from monster horde in the current room.
"Answer," Lore replied. Green scowled.
"Hah, funny. Anyways, why are they called Bubbles? They don't look a thing or act a thing like it."
Realm pondered this for a moment. "I... don't actually know. Maybe someone thought it was funny to name a creeping sphere of death after something that pops on contact?"
"Well then I hate their sense of humor," Steam muttered. Behind the group, the two Bubbles kept moving along, content to stalk their prey for a while longer.
"Right," Gen decided. "Somebody grab Realm and don't let him out of your sight. We've got another underground bit here and I am getting really tired of going to look for the guy."
"Sorry..." Realm said awkwardly. "It's not like I try to get lost. It just sorta happens."
"I'll watch him," Wind volunteered. "I've got pretty good directional sense, so we should be alright."
"Brilliant," Lore said. "Shall we go?"
Slowly, the Links made their way though the darkness of the underground passage and back into the (relative) light of the dungeon. Gen turned and surveyed the group as they all straggled out.
"Well, that wasn't so bad, now was... it... oh, come on!"
"He's cursed," Mask decided. "That's all there is to it. He's cursed."
Both Realm and Wind were missing. Evidently, even Wind's sense of direction couldn't break Realm's streak.
And thus happened the tenth backtrack of the dungeon.
"What is it with this place and Patras?" Lore wondered.
"Ganon likes their trickiness," Realm replied, and hacked at one of the drones. Over in a corner of the room, Wind was still annoyed that he'd been dragged into Realm's field of bad directional sense. This meant war, he vowed. One day he would cure Realm of his inability to read a map and find things, and it would be glorious when it happened.
But for now, he was going to stand in this corner and cope.
A few feet away, Shadow shook with silent snickers as he tried desperately not to break into laughter.
"It this it?" Vio asked, looking around at the room they were in. There wasn't much to see, since the room was pitch black and featureless.
"I'm pretty sure, yeah," Realm replied. "I can't believe we made it here already!"
"Already?!" Dusk spluttered. "It took us a day and a half! You got lost over eight times! And you lost your sword and your shield at least twice, and you somehow dragged Wind into it too!"
"Only a day and a half? Really?" Realm asked, astonished. "Sweet! We just beat my previous record by three days!"
Everyone stared.
"...It takes you how long?"
"Well, sometimes it takes longer," Realm mused. "It all depends, really, on how many Like-likes take my shield and how many spares I remembered to bring. You guys have done wonders for that, by the way. I honestly think this is the longest I've ever kept one particular shield, ever."
"Oh yeah, he's definitely cursed," Mask said.
"I am not-" Realm was suddenly interrupted by the golden light of multiple Triforces all glowing simultaneously, from different spots on different Links.
"Huh," Dusk said, examining the back of his left hand. "That doesn't happen very often."
"Hardly ever," Wind agreed, staring down at his tunic where a yellow triangle was showing through the fabric. "I really hope I don't end up in a dress..."
"...What?"
Whatever Wind said in repsonse was cut off by the sudden appearance of a very large, very teal pig in bright red armor.
"Finally!" the pig rumbled, looking very annoyed. "Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting?"
"Probably about as long as we've been trying to get here," Ocarina muttered.
"Hello Ganon," Realm said. "How've you been? I heard you got stuck in someone's head."
"Of course you did," Original Ganon sighed, rubbing his eyes with one large hand. "But I will have you know that is something I will not be repeating."
"How's that?" Speck asked.
Original Ganon smiled maliciously. "Because I am going to kill you and remove any possiblity of my return."
"...I could swear I saw this coming," Lore said. And the battle began.
The first thing Ganon did was turn himself invisible and start sporadically shooting fireballs.
"DODGE!" Dusk bellowed.
"What is it with our villains and fireballs?" Steam complained. "First Malladus, now this guy. Next Dusk is going to tell me that his villains shoot fireballs too!"
"Actually-" Dusk started.
"Not. One. Word," Steam interrupted.
Dusk glared, then yelped and dodged a fireball. "What I was going to say, is that Zant actually shoots toxic spheres."
"Oh."
Gen went sprinting past the two, with a fireball right behind him. "Are you really doing this now?!" he yelled as he shot past.
"Sorry!" Steam called, then ducked to let a fireball rocket over his head.
"Over here," Lore called, waving an arm. He was crouched with most of the group in a corner, blockade style. Shields were facing outwards in all directions, and even as they looked a fireball bounced off one of the defensive barriers. Everyone who wasn't already there hurried over, dodging flaming projectiles as they went.
"Okay Realm, what's the plan?" Wind asked once everyone was present. "This is your native Hyrule and Ganon. Any ideas?"
"Umm... Slash randomly?"
Shadow snorted loudly and began outright laughing. Everyone did their best to ignore him.
"Gonna need a little more direction than that," Blue said.
"I don't know, he's invisible!" Realm protested. "Let me think for a minute, okay?"
Blue promptly began counting.
Exactly one minute later, Blue spoke up again. "Got anything yet?"
"Maybe," Realm said. "We're gonna spread out along the walls and watch where the fireballs are coming from. If it's near you, stab it."
Everyone processed that for a moment.
"That's it?" Gen asked.
"I don't have much to work with here, if you didn't notice," Realm replied, gesturing to the seemingly empty room that was randomly shooting fire.
"Under the circumstances," the Four said, "it's a decently viable plan."
"Good enough," Lore decided. "Right. Move, people!"
Following Realm's... sort-of plan, the Links spread themselves out along the walls of the room and followed where the fireballs came from like hawks. Ironically, even though he was one of the weaker Links, Red was the first one to get a hit in. A fireball spawned almost directly in front of his face, causing him to yelp and swing his sword in a reflex reaction. The weapon passed directly into the airspace that the fire had originated from and lodged in something solid.
For a brief moment, Ganon was visible in all of his piggy teal glory. He seemed to be frozen in place, but only briefly as he snarled and faded out of the visible spectrum once again.
"Good job Red!" Green called with a smile at his smaller brother. Red beamed in response.
"And that's how it's done guys," Realm shouted. "Just like that!"
"He's shooting again!" Sketch warned as more fire went streaking through the air. "Everybody watch!"
About thirty seconds later, Speck landed a second hit when a fireball appeared and shot past his head from behind. The Hero of the Minish promptly launched into a Spin Attack and managed to score Ganon along the stomach area, causing the villain to freeze and once again become visible. The look on his blue face appeared to be absolute fury.
"He needs a nickname," Lore decided as Ganon once again faded away. "Lets see... How about Mr. Teal Pig?"
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Ganon roared from somewhere in the room.
"Playing off of Mr. Blue Pig, I take it?" Mask questioned.
"I think it works, don't you?" Lore answered with a grin.
"Very nice, excellent choice," Ocarina replied.
Somewhere, Ganon made an odd strangled noise that sounded like a dying cat.
"You just made him angrier," Realm scolded. "Now he's going to hit even harder."
His words were proven true within seconds, as Ganon launched a string of rapid-shot fireballs. Everyone ducked.
Sketch made the third strike when a fireball shot directly at his torso coming from the left. Rather than execute a fancy maneuver like a Spin Attack, Sketch went for the more... enthusiastic approach. Meaning, he slashed at the air like a maniac.
It still worked anyways.
Ganon froze for the third time, but only briefly. Within seconds he was invisible yet again and throwing fire for all he was worth.
By this point, Ganon was livid. He'd already taken three hits and one more would mean his defeat. ...He didn't have much in the name of defense.
But if he was going to go down, then he was going down fighting. So he aimed his next fireball at the one Hero he hated more than the others.
The Hero native to his Hyrule, otherwise known as Realm.
The fireball materialized directly in front of the Hero of Hyrule and rocketed forwards. Realm, caught off guard, ducked a little too late and got slightly skimmed by the projectile. This was stubbornly ignored.
From his crouching position, Realm pushed off from the ground, straightening his legs and thrusting for the spot where the fire had come from. Like Speck, he didn't opt for a more complicated approach, but he just stuck with a simple side-slash rather than flailing his weapon around. The point of his sword struck Ganon just as the villain was moving away, and he froze for the fourth time. But unlike the last times, Ganon didn't keep moving. He had turned brown and rigid, rather like a statue.
"Whoever's got the Silver Arrows, now would be a really good time to shoot one!" Realm yelled. Wind, hearing this, pulled out the Arrows from his bag and his bow right afterwards. He drew, aimed, and shot in one quick motion.
The arrow struck Ganon right in the chest.
Ganon unfroze and began an odd combination of shaking and dissolving. "We will be back," he promised. "We will all be back."
And then he vanished, leaving a pig-shaped hole in his place. Which abruptly shot out the doorway, through the dungeon, and out of sight.
"...Where'd it go?" Red asked.
"It left," Green answered tiredly. "It went back outside."
"We have to go through all that, all over again?" Steam said incredulously.
"I didn't even get to stab him..." Shadow lamented, not at all paying attention to the conversation.
"I am not going through this death trap after I just survived being target practice," Lore decided. "I'm taking a nap."
"I don't think I even care," Gen mused, sitting down with a soft thump.
"That wasn't so bad," Realm said, sitting next to his half-leader. "It definitely could have been worse."
"You have a second degree burn on your shoulder," Dusk told him. "You of all people probably have a right to think otherwise. Now drink this."
Realm took the red potion from Dusk and started swallowing. The burn on his shoulder healed instantly.
"So... does anyone else's Ganon turn invisible?" Speck asked curiously. Lore snorted.
"I doubt it. But after this fight, I'm kinda glad they don't."
"Really?" Nayru asked her sister. "You moved it all the way out of the dungeon?"
"We couldn't just leave it in there," Din argued, trying and failing to hide an amused grin. "Now it's out in the open and much more accessible."
"This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that now Courage has to walk all the way back out of the dungeon, does it?" Farore accused. Din snickered.
"You've got to admit, it was hilarious watching them bumble around in there."
100 REVIEWS! BOOYAKASHA!
Congratulations to PsycoFangirl, by the way, for being the 100th reviewer. Have one of my internet cookies. It's specially glitched to manifest around the size of a basketball.
Anyways, this is what happens when I try to novelize a dungeon. Lots and lots of oneshots. Sorry to anybody who doesn't like oneshot style... But I enjoyed writing it, so I'm good.
Until next time,
Changeling
Thanks to ReaderOwl2816, therichardater, dalmationblack, Bluebird0614, Dragonspirit996, Black leaf animations, and PokemonTrainer4700 for favoriting/following!
Dark Pit not Pittoo: Actually, what I mentioned was his tornado rod. According to my research, Sketch doesn't have Pegasus Boots. He does however, have a hookshot, which was why he was in Vaati's group. And yes, Realm has a negatively directional compass.
PsycoFangirl: 'Fluffing a Duck'? I have never heard of that. Maybe I'll investigate.
LuckyLugia: Cool. My first was a Snover, I think. And yes. Shenanigans.
Blackleaf: Sure, I can probably swing that. And yeah, he does have a Fire Rod. And a lot of people have a Roc's Cape, actually. I'm sure that'll be relevant sometime.
miano53: Years ago? When would that be?