XXVI. Torn
Two Weeks Later
Cullen's treatment went smoothly after that first day of taking the tonic. He continued on with three fourths the normal dose for a week before taking another of Melrath's concoctions, and his second dose of the foul tasting liquid - which he had a flask ready for this time - didn't treat him anywhere nearly as bad as the first, though it did give him the shakes until the next day when he took only half a dose less of Lyrium than normal.
Half a dose seemed to be all he felt as if he needed however. He thought he might've wanted more even after he'd taken the half a vial, but he'd been wrong. As per normal, the shakes went awake, and he wasn't left wanting anymore than he had before he'd even started treatment.
Honnely had come to see him when he'd been going through those shakes that day however, and noticed it easily. Cullen was fine though, able to deal with it more easily, and Honnely related to Cullen his own treatment, told Cullen he'd said some very deplorable things to Aislinn in his bid to get more of the dust. While Honnely mentioned that he'd never truly realized how badly the withdrawal could make someone react, Cullen began think over the day he'd spent with Aislinn when she was supporting him during his own, and he really began to wonder what all he might've said to her while out of sorts.
The next he saw of Aislinn, he'd put the question to her. She seemed to skip over the subject however, which only made him push for more information. So finally, she told him that he'd said she was just like Uldred and not any better than any other mage. Cullen suddenly wished he hadn't asked.
"I...I didn't...," he'd drawn out with a good bit of incredulity. But Aislinn just pursed her lips at him and reminded him that he wasn't himself. Though Cullen knew she was right, he was still bowled over by what Alec said to him later that same day he'd asked Aislinn about it. Alec had been on a short break, and as Cullen passed, he asked Cullen who'd taught him how to punch. When Cullen gave him an odd look of confusion, Alec explained nearly everything.
"Oh, I guess you don't remember hitting me then. You broke my nose trying to get out of the room after we came in because you'd shoved Aislinn and wouldn't get back into bed." Alec chuckled, "You moved fast for someone off his rocker."
Cullen stared at the Templar blankly, not remembering any of that. It was like he was hearing a story about another person who he wanted to go find and hit for shoving Aislinn and breaking one of his Knight's noses, but he may as well have just hit a mirror because it was all him. He immediately went to Aislinn's study and, once she'd let him in, asked her, "Did I shove you?"
Aislinn had groaned immediately and then asked if it was Dreyan or Alec who'd said anything because she was going to kill one of them. She guessed it was Alec though. He was a good man, but sometimes he didn't know when to keep his mouth shut about little things like that - not that he knew Aislinn wanted to keep it a secret or why.
Aislinn spent a good bit of time trying to convince Cullen afterwards that she didn't blame him because she knew it wasn't him. She did this by walking over to him and kissing him every time he'd try to argue with her. She could tell that, over the week and a half following his first treatment, Cullen had gotten much more comfortable with kissing her at random whenever they were alone, getting closer to her, and showing his affection for her as long as no one was looking, and she was glad for it. So kissing him whenever he tried to argue was definitely a good way to keep him quiet.
After a few kisses, he just gave in and started returning them, and they grew more and more desperate with one another, until something popped into Cullen's head that he could vaguely remember, which he tugged away from her because of and then stared at her about. Cullen had realized since he'd found out a few things that much of what he'd thought he was dreaming had been real, and much of what he'd thought was real had just been a dream. There happened to be a particularly erotic memory in his mind that he thought had been a dream, and as he'd been kissing Aislinn in her study, he'd remembered it.
That wasn't...please say that was also a dream, he thought to himself, then tried to ask Aislinn, "I didn't...when we slept...I...I didn't...did I?"
Aislinn blinked up at him, not entirely certain what he'd meant, but suddenly it clicked if only because of the vague way he'd asked her the question in such a hesitant and shy manner. For a brief moment, recognition seemed to dawn in her eyes and Cullen noticed it easily. His face set on fire, and he asked her seriously, "Tell me what I did, Aislinn," his voice leaving little room for denial of the request.
Aislinn's lips parted as she was about to come up with the quickest story possible to give him instead of telling him how he'd been touching her, when suddenly a knock came to the door, which was Uwen needing to go over something with Aislinn concerning one of their students. Saved by the Elf, Aislinn had thought, assumed a casual stance, and politely told Cullen she was glad she could help him with his problem, which he knew meant they'd have to speak later.
Aislinn decided she'd have to avoid the subject with Cullen for a while however because, even though she could come up with a very believable story to tell him easily, she wasn't sure she wanted to lie to him. She got the feeling it would be for his own good if she did, but at the same time, she got the feeling that Cullen knew her, and would know whether or not she wasn't being truthful. Thankfully, whenever he would try to ask, she noticed that something would come up to interrupt them both, so thus far, she'd been lucky about it.
That aside, memories of what he'd done, even though it hadn't been much, made her remember what being a woman meant and how she was long overdue for something of that nature. It was maddening, plain and simple.
Just over two weeks since Cullen's first treatment came another snow, which wasn't as big as the last which Cullen had gotten stranded in, but was enough to leave a good bit of the frozen white stuff covering the grounds of the manor completely. Aislinn walked into her Chambers, quietly carrying a load of folded blankets to her bed because it had gotten so much colder outside now. She tried not to think of those things that had been on her mind recently about the particular subject of keeping warm at night as she went, but it popped in there again anyway.
Keeping warm with Cullen during the night she couldn't say would have been unpleasant at all. Thankfully though, she managed to push it all away before she could get any clear mental images of herself and the Templar she'd been fraternizing with doing more than just 'holding hands'. That was the last thing she needed.
She settled the blankets down on her mattress, briefly wondering how long it had been since she'd had sex anyway. She tried to count, but then figured it would be a better idea not to. Years was enough for her to know that it was long enough. Not that, of course, she was so eager for it that she was ready throw herself at someone willing and available, not at all. But sometimes the issue rose up, and she was as normal as any other person in that regard - it was just a need you wanted to have sated. The way she figured it, Cullen was the lucky one here. It was easy for her to tell that he'd never slept with a woman, so he had no idea what he was missing or, sadly, what he'd done to her in the process.
Damned naive, cute, innocent, charming Templar. If it was true that magic was a curse as some claimed, she suddenly had the devious thought that she'd love nothing better than to corrupt him, and she snickered softly over it. But hell, if she kept those thoughts up, she was going to have to spend a little time alone with herself.
Suddenly she wondered if he'd ever given himself some relief, and immediately pushed the idea out of her head. She didn't need to add anymore fuel to the fire. It was already burning a little too much.
But her attention got caught on something as she'd went to grab one of the blankets so she could spread it out over her bed. On her bed close to the pillows was a bundle of three flowers tied together with a dark purple ribbon. She stared at the purple blossoms for a moment, then finally reached over to them, plucking them up. They looked familiar, and Aislinn's brows furrowed, then she suddenly gasped softly in recognition.
"No..." She turned and looked at the door, wondering if she would be able to catch Cullen alone as she muttered out, "He didn't..."
Aislinn got her blankets down and put the flowers in a vase of water, tying the ribbon around the neck of the vase so it wouldn't get wet once she was done, then headed to the Knight Commander's Study. She reached to knock on the door once she'd arrived. It was a good ways from her personal chambers, but not too far from her own study, and she waited to see if she'd get an answer or not. Surely enough, he was there asking whomever was outside to enter, so she opened the door and walked into the room quietly. When Cullen looked up to see her, he stopped writing on his parchment and asked, "Aislinn?"
She turned around from shutting the door and stood against it, her lips pursed and her brows narrowed over her silver eyes. At the look, Cullen's expression became somewhat confused. "Is everything alright?"
Slowly, she nodded, then lifted a hand and motioned it at him, asking, "You wouldn't happen to know anything about a small bouquet of flowers left in my room, would you? A small bouquet of...rare flowers that is."
So, she'd found his gift. Cullen had wanted to give them to her himself, but she wasn't about when he'd knocked on her door, and he didn't know when a good time would be before they would wilt, which Melrath had said they would do quickly without quite as much cold around as their usual environment offered. So he left them in her room.
Melrath didn't know who the flowers were meant for, and likewise, Cullen didn't want to carry them around with him, had hid them in a small box whenever he'd stopped by her chambers just to keep questions from being asked if someone were to walk by. So aside from having not wanted them to wilt too much before she saw them, he knew that just leaving them there would be the best course of action to begin with.
He stood up from his desk and stepped around it while thinking this, saying, "Yes, I...left them there earlier when you weren't about. I decided you might...like them. I hope you don't mind, but...they could have wilted, so I wanted you to have them sooner rather than later."
He watched her trying to hold her expression in, but she suddenly grinned and then moved toward him, leaning up and pressing a quick kiss to his lips. Cullen hadn't quite expected that response, but he liked it, listening as she told him, "Thank you! I love them. But...," she gave him a confused expression, "how did you get them? Melrath?"
"He helped. It took a bit, but he got them here."
Her brows had wrinkled over how sweet that was while she tried to keep her expression neutral as she stared up at him, and honestly, Cullen liked this response much more than he'd imagined he would have. He'd have to do something else to get a similar one from her again sometime. But at the moment, he just smirked when she suddenly hugged him in thanks. Placing his hands upon her back, he said, "I'm...very glad you like them."
"The ribbon was a nice touch," she replied with a little snicker, looking up, "did you do that too?"
"I...uh...," he slowly nodded, "yes, I did."
Aislinn didn't know what to say. He'd even remembered her favorite color, not that she made a secret of it. But finally, she told him, "I really don't know how to respond. I...no one's ever put that much thought into a gift for me before. I wish I could thank you but...words just don't seem fitting."
"After everything you've done for me, I really don't consider it the greatest gesture, Aislinn. I can see you're happy with it, and that's all I really wanted out of it."
She could understand that, giving him a nod of her head. "It means a lot to me though. I wish I was more used to it so I didn't feel so...awkward."
Wasn't that a switch, Cullen thought to himself. She was feeling awkward now. Yes, he thought he could get a feel for this gift giving business, especially if that was what it took to turn those tables on her finally. He couldn't help smiling down at her, saying, "If anyone understands how it feels to...be awkward...," and he trailed.
Aislinn suddenly laughed, the sound lightening his previously somber mood a good bit. He watched her shaking her head at him, then saying, "I kind of miss your stuttering. You seem to have gotten used to speaking with me."
"Well...I uh...don't think I'd quite go that far. It's...only a little easier now."
She was still grinning at him and she leaned up to kiss him one more time since she had some other things to go take care of, saying once she had, "There, that's for being so good to me. You're going to drive me crazy doing those things though."
"Why?," he asked curiously.
Aislinn didn't want to say that she'd like to thank him in other ways, not one bit. So instead, she shook her head, saying, "Nothing, I just wish I could do something more for you."
"No, don't wish that," he shook his head. "You're doing too much already. You don't owe me anything, Aislinn." His voice had grown serious, and he made sure she was looking at him when he told her, "I owe you. Those flowers were the least I could offer."
"Still, I–," she stopped when he shook his head at her and pursed her lips. "Fine, I'll just settle for giving you kisses or...something," she smirked finally.
"I think I could handle that," he replied, amused over the way she'd said her line. Cullen had a thought just then however, somewhat afraid to ask her though because every time he tried to, something happened to interrupt them. Still, he said, "Actually, would you be willing to tell me the truth now?"
"The truth?," Aislinn asked, but she was thinking oh boy, here he goes asking again.
"Yes, about the first night I took that tonic. I know something happened...between us. What did I do?"
Aislinn shrugged, "I've told you what you did. You got angry, said things you didn't mean, and that was it."
"Aislinn," he sighed softly. "I know you're trying to protect me from something."
"No, not really." She honestly didn't think what he'd done had been questionable at all, not in the slightest, but she knew he would think so, and she didn't want it to be made a big deal out of.
Seeing that she wasn't giving in, Cullen supposed he would have to be blunt, so he asked her outright, "I had an erotic dream about you that night, or at least, I thought it was a dream. But I remember you telling me that I was too tired to continue on, and we stopped. Did I...do those things to you?"
Cullen couldn't help himself. Even if there wasn't anything completely significant, he wanted to know everything that had happened between them. The dream he'd had of Aislinn had been mild in itself, and as it was, his memories of it were fuzzy at best, but if he'd done more than that, if he'd perhaps tried to undress her as he had in dreams prior to it - on many an occasion he didn't want to recall just then - then he felt he needed to know about it. What he would do whenever he found out, he wasn't quite sure yet. But being able to apologize would have been a good start, that was, after he got over his humiliation of it all.
Yet another thing he hated about the Lyrium so completely now, which he only realized in part beforehand, was that he knew it could make an otherwise good person do terrible things if they were denied it. Getting off of the dust as he had been was definitely a good thing. He'd just taken one fourth of a vial of dust that morning after his third dose of the tonic, and he knew that very soon now, he was going to stop completely, even if the shakes persisted for a while afterwards. They'd been progressively easier for him to handle, and he was feeling very confident in the fact that he'd be able to stop completely very soon now.
But as for the Lyrium itself, the things it did to a man, he felt, were just as vile as blood magic.
It tore Cullen as well. In fact, his entire relationship with Aislinn had been tearing him over the past two weeks. He regretted nothing he'd done with her - except perhaps when going through his withdrawals - but more than ever, he found him questioning his place, and it wasn't just because she was a mage. He was also questioning his place in the Order of Templars itself, and what it meant to him anymore. For starters, the Order dictated that Templars were to stand against mages, to keep them in check, or at least, that was how so many interpreted it, so Cullen was supposed to stand against Aislinn, scrutinize her at every turn and corner, and make sure she was kept under watch.
Even saying he wanted to do such a thing, that was tiring and just downright paranoid. While Cullen did have his paranoias, most of which were based around mages, they weren't so extreme that he couldn't find a light in the dark and use it to see his way out. In many ways, since he'd come to Morsfeld, Marleyna had provided that light for him, since she wasn't afraid to see things from another perspective and try to nurture if she could.
Where most of the Chantry spoke of those paranoid views on mages, the Sisters and Mothers here looked at them differently, as if they realized there was a power that needed to be guarded against, a danger that had to be looked after, but it wasn't treated as if it had been a plague cast down onto humanity to end it as much of the Chantry did, in fact, see it. In the wrong hands, yes, it could be disastrous, but that was what the Order was for, to make sure the wrong hands never used it in that manner, not to suspect, scrutinize, and basically shackle every single mage that was born into the world. Even before now, Cullen had questioned how such a thing could be done when more mages were born every day and those who'd been born ten years ago were just coming into their power, but sometimes, it just seemed like too much was being expected of everyone, and not enough common sense was being used.
She he questioned his place with Aislinn, his place as a Templar, and even his standing with the Chantry. Their views were slowly becoming more and more difficult for him to completely align himself with in so many ways.
Common sense told Cullen that not every mage was evil, and Aislinn was the perfect example of that. Certainly, she was human, and she became angry from time to time, felt the same things he did, and struggled with the same kinds of problems. But she'd never once turned to something forbidden or attempted to do something truly evil in order to meet an end. So now, Cullen was torn because, as he stood, wounded from events in the past that still haunted him, he felt bitter and honestly, betrayed, and not just because of mages.
First, there'd been the incident in the Tower. He'd felt that the Order was too harsh on the mages, and he'd been met with torment and captivity by them. Having dedicated himself completely to the Order afterwards, he eventually came to find out that some members of the Chantry had been using Lyrium to control Templars like himself. It was almost as if he didn't know where to turn anymore. To top it all off, he'd gotten much closer to a mage than he'd ever been before, and that closeness was something he couldn't help but be uncertain of, even if it did make him feel good inside.
Cullen talked to Marlyena a few days prior about it, about how he couldn't make up his mind if he were making a mistake or if he were doing things right, and she told him that the Order was needed, but not to antagonize, and that's where it had been heading for a long time. When putting oneself in a typical mage's shoes, being a mage who strove to do well and be accepted that was, it was much easier to see how the Chantry and the Order came off as antagonistic, oppressors, and honestly, simple dictators, even if she knew that this hadn't been the point. Their presentation hadn't been delivered very well to the mages, and that was what mattered. On the Order's side, she'd said, nothing had even been discussed. Facts that weren't factual had been given and left as they were, even after other truths had been realized.
It was all about seeking a balance, and that was the biggest issue. Cullen realized it was the biggest issue with himself as well. So he'd informed Marleyna that he felt torn, that his views on the Chantry were changing and he wasn't sure how to take them, and also that his feelings for Aislinn had only grown much stronger. He wasn't certain why he had been given such a test of strength and diligence as the Maker saw fit to give him in this situation, and sometimes, that he even doubted it was such a test.
Marleyna's reply to him had been one that made too much sense. She'd said that some tests weren't for black or white answers, where if you decided on one choice, it was absolutely right or wrong. Some tests were of character, not vigilance or strength, and it was the actions that you took that defined them. As long as you were doing the best you could with what the Maker had given you at birth, she'd said, that was the part that counted.
She told Cullen that she thought it was strange that he hadn't known Aislinn was the First Enchanter whenever he'd left Kirkwall, and they both agreed that it sounded almost as if the Maker had some kind of plans for him in hiding that truth from him in order to get him to Morsfeld. What, neither of them were certain of, but Marleyna did say she felt that Cullen was at least brought to Morsfeld so he could be given the truth finally.
Where it concerned Aislinn, Marleyna asked him pointedly if he thought the Maker would really ever punish someone for truly loving another.
The question gave Cullen a good bit of food for thought, but her words had helped a great deal, and Cullen had decided that he would keeping going down the paths he'd already chosen. Continuing to get off of the Lyrium was a given, but with Aislinn, he was going to continue to try.
So, if that meant bluntly asking Aislinn now about what had happened, then he was going to do so. Coming back from his thoughts, he told her, "If I did anything, I need to know. Not knowing is...I don't like the thought that there was more that I've done with you that I don't know about, no matter how small it may be."
Aislinn really hadn't expected him to be so blunt about it - maybe he really was getting more comfortable with her. Her voice caught in her throat though, and just before she could get it unhinged, a knock came to the door.
Once again, saved by...someone.
Aislinn closed her mouth and folded her lips inward to keep from smiling as Cullen looked over and then muttered out indignantly, "Andraste's sword!" Once he'd gotten over his irritation, he looked back down at Aislinn and told her, "We're not done speaking of this. I want the truth from you, promise me."
Somehow, she liked it when he was demanding like that, but said nothing of it and nodded at him with the words, "I promise." She guessed she'd just have to tell him the next time they were alone what went on.
He seemed placated for the moment with her words, and then let Aislinn step back before he said more loudly to whomever was outside, "Enter." The door opened up to reveal Dreyan and Uwen, the former of which was scowling, and the latter whom looked concerned.
Cullen wasn't sure what to make of the expressions, and neither was Aislinn, but Uwen looked glad to see her there. "Oh, good, you're here. We have some company."
"Who?," Aislinn and Cullen asked at the same time.
"A contingent of Teryn Milus Brennon's men," Dreyan explained. "They're here because of his wife."
Cullen wasn't familiar with that name, but Aislinn was. She shook her head, asking, "What's wrong with his wife?"
"They won't say. They only told me to come and find you. They wouldn't even enter the manor. Again." Dreyan's scowl continued, and he motioned with his hand to add, "Apparently it's urgent, however," as if he didn't think the men had to be quite so rude about not coming inside.
Aislinn sighed, then she replied with the words, "Not to send you on an errand, Captain, but...would you mind returning and telling them I'm on my way out? Staying out there to watch?"
"Not one bit," Dreyan replied, sounding almost too eager to do so. "With my Commander's permission, that is," he added respectfully.
"Who is this Milus Brennon?," Cullen asked before giving Dreyan any kind of permission.
"It's a long story," Aislinn started. "Let's just say he's a noble who's been tending to his wife and so his son, Cambry, who hates mages, has taken charge of his men. Sometimes Milus sends for us, which is fine, Milus is a good person, but Cambry hasn't done his men any favors, and despite the fact that the orders are from the Teryn, the men sent to meet us do so with rudeness and offense. They also have a way of indirectly taunting the Templars as well because they don't believe the Order has or ever will fill its purpose. Likely, Milus knows nothing of this behavior however."
Cullen didn't like the sound of that, looking back to Dreyan and saying, "Take three men with you and make sure they don't get out of line until we get there."
Dreyan seemed to like that order, replying, "Yes, Ser," before he gave the proper respect and turned to leave the room.
Once he was gone, Uwen sighed softly. "No doubt he's going to summon you for something, Aislinn. His wife is pregnant, and probably needs you again."
"That's what I was thinking," Aislinn replied, groaning softly. "She's late in her term as well. It might require time to take care of."
"Has he summoned you before?," Cullen asked.
"Yes, two times for his wife in the past eight months, and it's never been pleasant because of his men. But we can't deny him the help in that manner. Besides, his wife is a gentle woman, very sweet and good natured, and I couldn't imagine just leaving her to her fate."
Cullen realized that she was right in this case, then asked her, "Why has no one said anything? How did Honnely handle it?"
"Because of Cambry," Uwen explained. "He's the Teryn's son, and therefore justified. Besides, it's only recently gotten so bad, probably because Milus is concerned with his wife's state of being, so he hasn't had time to properly watch after his men. They almost act like common thugs just doing whatever they feel like however. Honnely decided it would more than likely blow over once the Teryna gave birth, so he thought it would be easiest to simply comply with their wishes. But they don't like allowing the full contingent of Templars to come with them. Last time they only barely allowed two to come with two mages."
Cullen let out a sigh of breath as the picture came into view for him, and he turned to head to the door, saying, "His wife won't suffer, but his men will only summon a mage from this Circle if they manage to gain my approval, regardless of the conditions things are in."
Aislinn and Uwen gave each other a quick glance of raised brows before they turned to head out behind Cullen and down the hallway. In the very least, this was going to be interesting.