A/N: A big hello to those that are still reading. I know I've been very slow with updates lately and I'm sorry. The story is still there, swirling around in my head, but honestly, the desire to sit down and actually write it out, has not been. I'm trying to work on that, so I can give this story the ending it deserves. I'll get there, eventually, so I hope you all don't lose patience, haha. As usual, reviews are always welcome...and they usually give me the kick on need to get typing. ;-)
The clanking sound of kettle, pots and pans comes crashing from down the hall. The sound is harsh and jarring, despite the obvious fact that her mother is at least trying to collect them gently. She rolls over in bed onto her back, her heart racing anew as she thinks again on how she'll broach the subject. She'd planned to do it last night, when Celia had picked her up at the station, but her mother was so excited and happy to see her that she hadn't stopped talking until they finally went to bed. She had lost her nerve then and decided she'd wait until morning, so her night had been a sleepless one, too excited and a little apprehensive to share her news.
She sits up and swings her feet off the bed, stretching her arms up over her head with a yawn then runs her hands through her short cropped hair, which the night before her mother had paused her happy chatting long enough to criticize. Caroline didn't care though, she liked it, the ease in styling it, and the way it felt when someone ran their hands through it. She smiles on that thought and soundlessly leaves her bedroom making a beeline for the loo down the hall.
She runs a brush through her hair and smiles as she notices the extra dusting of freckles flecked across her nose and cheeks. The long afternoons spent talking under their favorite tree on campus were responsible for that. She had always hated them before, feeling they made her look too childlike, but she'd had a change of heart recently, when she'd discovered how much someone else adored them. With a generous splash of water, she washes the sleep from her eyes, pats her face dry and smiles at her reflection once more as she walks out the door, her excitement and joy now driving her desire to share her news with her mother.
oOo
She splashes another handful of water over her face as she tries to wash away the memories and tears. No, this wasn't her mother this time (not yet), it was her children, but didn't that almost make this worse? Her two sons, who'd grown up with a mother and a father, completely oblivious to their mother's true nature and secret desires, until she so elegantly dumped it on them with her head buried deep between another woman's (perfect) breasts.
Fucking hell Caroline, what a classy introduction.
It would almost be funny; if it weren't for the utter look of shock on Lawrence's face, or the heavy sadness in William's eyes…or the fact that she didn't get to finish what she'd started.
She sighs heavily, blowing her cheeks out with a defeated shake of her head, and decides she'll tackle William first. At least his disapproval and anger won't be delivered as a high-pitched screaming verbal assault.
She walks down the hall and raps timidly on his door, hearing the faint reply and entering wordlessly, avoiding direct eye contact. She stands there for a moment- frozen, hands sweating, speechless. He closes his book and she meets his gaze with a sad nod, taking a seat at the foot of his bed. He silently watches her as she fiddles with the drawstring of her pyjamas. Finally, she looks up to meet his gaze and speaks.
"I'm sorry William. I'm sorry you had to come home to see that."
"Yea, me too," he smiles sadly.
"I…I didn't mean for you to find out this way. I wanted to tell you both, to talk to you about it, before….this."
He sets his book on the night stand and sits up straighter, taking her hand, much to her surprise.
"I know, and that's why I'm sorry. Not because I found out, not because it's Miss McKenzie- a woman, but because we took away your chance to come to us and talk about it when you were ready." He squeezes her hand as the tears well up in her eyes. She shakes her head in awe, unable to speak, but he can see the questions in her gaze.
"I've known, well, I've suspected…for a while now. I knew it wouldn't be an easy thing for you to talk about, so I didn't say anything. I wanted you to come to us when you were ready, so I was sad when we came home and caught you, because it took away that chance for you. I could see how scared you were and that made me sad."
The tears are streaming fully down her cheeks now, little salty paths running and then pooling at her chin. She again shakes her head in disbelief, but a faint smile begins to form on her lips. She reaches up and wipes her cheeks with her hands, wiping the tears on her thighs as she speaks.
"How did you…when did you…?" She trails off as more tears spill over, making her breath hitch in her throat. William is tearing up too, but he has a tender smile on his face.
"I suspected something was going on at the choral competition during summer term. I saw you two speaking after one of our performances, you were holding her hand. It was only for a split second, but you looked happier than I'd seen you look in a long time. Then a few weeks later, when you took her to dinner, I could see how nervous you were when you left the house. I knew then it was more than just a friendship."
Floored by his confession, she just shakes her head, speechless, as she wipes the tears away. She smiles shyly at him and he takes her hand again, squeezing it with a reassuring smile.
"It's alright mum. I like her, she's nice, smart and I can tell she really likes you. I just want you to be happy, you deserve it." She pulls him into a tight embrace, kissing his cheek as she pulls away and takes his face into her hands.
"I love you so much William. How did I ever manage to get a son as kind and intelligent as you?"
"Luck I guess, though they had to even it out when they gave you Lawrence." He says with a gentle laugh. She laughs in return and gives his hair a ruffle. She wipes the last of the tears from her cheeks and her breath with a sigh.
"Oh God, what am I going to do about him? He's not going to be anywhere near as civil about this as you."
"He'll be ok. Maybe not right now, but he'll get over it. He likes Kate too, even if he won't admit it. Come on, I'll go talk to him with you."
He pulls the duvet back and gets out of bed, extending his hand to his mother. Caroline takes it with a nervous half-smile and gets up, following him out the door.
They reach Lawrence's room and Caroline knocks, the nerves washing over her anew. She lets out a shaky breath and William puts his hand on her shoulder. She reaches up and gives it a gentle squeeze. She knocks again, and again there's no reply, so she tentatively opens the door.
Lawrence is lying in bed with his back turned to the door. It's obvious from the energy in the room that he's not asleep. William takes a seat in the chair at his desk and Caroline approaches the bed cautiously.
"Lawrence, are you awake? I'd like to talk to you…about…about what you say tonight."
He rolls over in one swift move, sitting up and pulling the extra pillow tightly to his chest. There's tear tracks down his cheeks and his eyes are red and angry; his mouth set in a hard line.
"Oh, you mean how we found you nose deep in some woman's tits?" He growls, shooting fire at her through his glare. From over Caroline's shoulder, William gives him a silent, but menacing look and he quickly diverts his gaze to the opposite corner of the room. Caroline takes in a deep breath and sighs heavily.
Well fuck, here we go.
"Yes…that...and it wasn't some woman, it was Kate, who I care for very deeply. Look, I can understand why you're angry Lawrence, and I'm so sorry you walked in on that. I had wanted to talk to you first and it was never my intention to just spring it on you in that way."
"Yea, well, you did." He huffs into the air, still staring into the corner.
"And for that I am very sorry." She reaches out her hand and gently places it on his forearm. He shrugs it off and turns back to her, his eyes brimming with tears.
"You're not even gay, so why are you doing it? You just want to look cool to the kiddies or something?"
She gives a half smirk and shake of her head before looking back up into his red-rimmed eyes.
"No, I'm far too old to be worried about looking cool, Lawrence."
"Oh, so you're just all-of-a-sudden gay then. Riiight."
"It's not all-of-a-sudden," she replies sadly, "I've…I've always been this way."
Lawrence let's out a hiss of air with a shake of his head. William continues to listen silently, recognizing his role is more of the silent moral support, but ready to jump in as mediator if it comes to it.
"Bull shit. Then why'd you marry dad?" He questions arrogantly, thinking he's cornered the lead in the argument.
"Because he made me happy, because I wanted children…because I loved him. It's complicated and I can't really explain it, but I was actually happy with your father for a long time, happy with our life. We had fun together and he gave me the two of you, which I will be forever grateful for. I know it seems hard to understand, but that is the truth."
"Does dad know?" He retorts.
"No, I never told him. It wasn't something he needed to know."
"Well, why did you marry him and not a woman?" It's obvious he doesn't completely understand, but the corners of his mouth have softened slightly and his eyes have lost some of their sharpness.
Caroline sighs and blows her fringe up as she exhales. This is the part of the discussion she had no clue how to navigate and the part she'd honestly been hoping to avoid.
"Well, lots of things have changed since I was a teenager; it's much better and more accepting now. Two women loving each other wasn't always socially accepted then, it was looked down upon and sometimes even treated with violence or treated as if the person was mental. It also was against the law for same sex couples to marry. Because it was so frowned upon, it was easier to hide it and go along with what everyone expects of you, than it was to be yourself."
"So, you lied to people your whole life, because you were afraid of what they'd think?"
Fuck, that's hard to hear, she thinks as the tears begin to fall.
"Yes. I didn't have the courage to be myself." She replies honestly as she looks him directly in the eyes. There's a perceptible shift in his gaze, a softening of his features. William moves from the chair to her side, wrapping an affectionate arm around her.
"So then, why do you have the courage now?" His voice is softer and his eyes much kinder as he watches her for a reply.
"It's mostly because of Kate." She replies honestly, dabbing the last of the tears from the corners of her eyes.
"Why?" He asks innocently, now reminding her of when he was a toddler with his constant, curious questions.
"Because I love her, and she loves me. Because we'd like to build a future together." She can't stop the shy smile that moves across her face. William smiles as he watches and gives her a reassuring squeeze with the arm he still has wrapped around her. She reaches across and squeezes his hand on her bicep, patting it affectionately.
Lawrence eyes them both a bit cautiously for a long moment, sending Caroline's heart racing. Maybe she shouldn't have told him so much, maybe she told him more than he was ready to handle. The length of the silence becomes agonizing as she watches him, his nose and mouth buried in the pillow between his arms, eyes down, staring at the bed. Finally, he releases the tight grip around the pillow and looks up to her.
"Ok." He says simply, with a nod. Caroline releases the breath she had been holding.
"Ok?" She questions with trepidation. He nods his head again, biting his bottom lip.
"Ok, yea, it's fine. But, could you like, not be all weird at school. It's already bad enough with you as head teacher."
Caroline's look of shock is immediately followed by her boisterous laugh, which is accompanied by tears of joy as she pulls him into her arms. William gives a chuckle and softly punches his younger brother in the arm, smiling and nodding his approval. Lawrence gives a shy smile in return as she looks at him over his mother's shoulder.
"I love you. I love you so very much, do you know that?" She says to Lawrence as she pulls away, holding his face tightly between her hands. She continues holding his face for a moment, tears still streaming, a wide smile on her face, as she plants a few happy kisses on his cheeks. He finally gives a good natured roll of the eyes as she moves away.
"Yea, I know mum, I love you too, but can I have my face back."
"Oh, sorry." She replies as she laughs and releases her grip.
She looks between her sons, taking a hand from each and bringing them to her mouth for a kiss. She smiles broadly and shakes her head, mystified.
"I love you both, so very much. Thank you for being so kind and understanding. You deserve a full English tomorrow, complete with waffles." She says with a final squeeze.
"Sweet." Lawrence replies with a fist pump and William smiles broadly.
"Right, now off to bed, it's late and I'm knackered. Oh, and please don't say anything to gran, I want to talk to her myself about this, ok?"
"Yea, sure mum." They both chime in unison.
She gives Lawrence a final hug and kiss on the forehead as she leaves and does the same for William when they get to his door. As she crawls into bed, she grabs her phone from the nightstand and sends a quick text to Kate.
All is well. I love you and will call you in the morning. Xo
The reply is almost instant.
Oh, thank God, I'm so happy. I love you too darling, speak tomorrow. xoxo