This Army Life
By Nicolle
1st Note: I am going on vacation until the 25th. If you are desperate for fanfics to read, check out my favorites list. If you haven't read Twig Collins' 'A Long Hard Road' you need to check it out. It is one of the best FF7 fics out there. If you want some time traveling, cross dressing action with a large dash of Zack acting like an idiot, read XD's 'Timeless, Ageless, Changeless.' Both are excellent fics and they are both complete. Also, if you check out Twig's homepage, she's got some great fan art friends have done for her fics.
2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead!
3rd Note: I'd like to thank everyone for contributing ideas. I will put them to evil use; very evil use.
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.
Episode 26: We Want You!
Sephiroth's jaw hit the floor, literally. He raised a hand from the floor, grabbed the edge of President Shinra's desk, and pulled himself up. "You want me to what?"
"I want you to become the Army's new poster boy. You will model for the posters starting at nine tomorrow." The President handed him a card. "This is the photographer's address. Dismissed."
Sephiroth stared at the card, fuming. He walked out the door and looked at Rufus. "You better not have had something to do with this," he hissed as he walked by. Grabbing Zack by the hair, he dragged his friend out of Shinra HQ. "I'm going to kill him, Zack. I swear to God I'm going to put Masamune through his belly."
"OW! You're going to kill me if you don't let go!"
Sephiroth stopped and let go of Zack.
"Geez, Seph! What did the man do to you this time?"
"I'm going to be the army's new poster boy."
Zack snickered. "So you're going to get bent out of shape over a few pictures?"
Sephiroth sighed and sat down on the stairs. "You're right. How bad can it be?"
Famous Last Words
Sephiroth double checked the address one last time before knocking on the photographer's door. The card neglected to mention what the photographer's name was, but a corporation name and logo gleamed 'Nature's Feast' in the early morning light. The door opened and a woman's hand waved him in.
He stepped into a candle lit room with thousands of pictures of himself plastered all over the walls. Odds and ends he'd lost or tossed out over the years sat on shelves next to small and large statues decorated with flowers and offerings. Before he could make his escape, the door swung shut and bars slid down.
"My love! My God! You have finally come to me!"
Sephiroth turned to see a woman in a long, flowing, mostly see-through gown with long, flowing, most-likely-a-wig hair. A truck load of make-up covered her face, obscuring her true appearance. She held her arms out to him.
"Oh my beauteous angel! How I have longed for you! How I have gazed upon you from a far! But no more! My love! You have come home!" She threw her arms his waist.
Sighing, Sephiroth pulled out a notebook and pen. List of things to do before I die: Kill Shinra on sight. He closed the notebook and put it away. "All right," he said, "I'm leaving."
"But I finally have you here! You cannot leave me!"
"Yes I can."
"But I have to see more of you!"
"There isn't any more of me."
Tears began to flow from her eyes in torrents, causing mascara and eyeliner to smear. "But I LOVE you! You can't leave me! I'll be a broken shell of a woman!"
Sephiroth looked around. "Apparently you were a broken shell of a woman before I even got here. Listen: I am not your god, nor your angel, nor anything else. I am a raving sociopath raised by a mad scientist in a geneticist's lab. I am NOT a prime catch."
"That doesn't matter to me! I'll dance for you in worship! I know I can turn you on!"
"You couldn't turn on a radio," he muttered.
"What will it take to get a kiss out of you?"
"Chloroform."
"Please hear me out! I wish to marry you!"
"Let's skip straight to the divorce."
The water works went on full blast as she fell to her knees, gripping the bottom hem of his coat. "All I want to do is make you happy!"
He knelt down to be eye level with her. "Do you really want to make me happy?"
The girl nodded as she whimpered.
"Then let me leave."
"NO!" she barked and, catching him off guard knocked him to the floor. She straddled him quickly. "There's another, isn't there? Some obsessive skank whose true dirtiness you cannot see!" She pulled a knife. "If I can't have you, no one will!"
Sephiroth sighed and grabbed her wrist on the down stroke. Holding her arm above her head, he stood and lifted her into the air. "One, none of the women I associate with are skanks, and I take exception to the thought. Two, I do not appreciate stalkers. And three, what in God's name made you think you could kill me? I'm THE General, not some sloppy little miscreant who can't wipe himself let alone shine his shoes. I appreciate the attention of a woman, but I have no time for stalkers."
He flicked his wrist to get a look at the materia he'd switched into his cuff. The manipulate materia gleamed in the candlelight. Smiling, he looked up at the frightened girl. "To be honest, to have been able to take a few of these pictures, you'd have to be a perfect spy."
Seventh Ring of Hell (and dropping)
Sephiroth sat down on the couch and graciously accepted a cup of tea from Elmyra. Zack and Aeris sat across from him, looking between each other and The General worriedly.
"I take it back, Zack. Cloud isn't a stalker."
"Oh god... What happened?"
"Well, considering that she already had millions of pictures of me, and I do mean millions, I convinced her to use a few good shots of you and me directing the army and then I sent her into Shinra HQ to take some ahem pictures of Rufus."
"Why?"
"So Shinra the Younger will never be able to screw me over."
The other three occupants of the room shook their heads while Sephiroth sipped his tea.
"You are an evil man," Zack said.
Sephiroth snorted. "I said it once, I'll say it again: I only take womanly crap from Aeris."