Chapter 24

"Mr. Taylor."

Justin woke with a start, feeling doctor's Schneider's hand on his shoulder. Almost four days sitting on this damned plastic chairs made his muscles protest when he moved.

"Yes, doctor? Any news?" he straightened himself on the chair and the older man sat beside him.

"I am optimistic. The fever is almost gone now, and we discovered why he was coughing up blood."

"What is it, doctor?"

The doctor smiled indulgently. "Something that would have been far more easy to treat if diagnosed a few months ago. It's Tuberculosis."

"But how the hell did Brian catch that?"

"Well, the germ is usually spread in the air, but you usually need close and prolonged contact with someone with the disease to be at risk of being infected."

"I have no idea who. Brian has no close contact to anyone." But then again, he had been away for two years now, just seeing Brian sporadically…he didn't even know what Brian did in his everyday life. And this thought saddened him more than he could tell.

"If you have a healthy immune system, in most cases nothing happens, the infection will remain dormant without doing any obvious harm. But months later, however, the disease can become reactivated in different organs if the immune system is weakened. The lungs are the favorite place for the illness to strike."

"But Brian rarely gets sick," he argued. "His immune system is fine, I'm always the one who gets a cold all the time, because of my allergies."

The doctor nodded. "Not until recently. His medical records showed that he was here six months ago with a severe hypoglycemia, this is not common for a healthy man; he was brought in a very bad shape. He left the hospital against medical orders. He was already coughing by then. And the information you gave me about his habits… Not sleeping or eating properly…working too much, always under a lot of stress…that kind of thing can weaken one's defenses."

"I didn't know he was sick." Justin murmured astonished. Brian had been in the fucking hospital and no one told him?

"Well, his immune system was impaired. He probably had Tuberculosis for a long time and didn't pay attention to the symptoms. Then his body couldn't handle the aggression, and the winter made it easier for him to catch Pneumonia which progressed to generalized infection."

Justin gulped. "That's a hell of a lot of diseases for one single person. How about the treatment?"

"Standard therapy for active TB consists of a six-month regimen with basically three different drugs. Treatment takes that long because the disease organisms grow very slowly and, unfortunately, also die very slowly." He smiled encouragingly to the blond. "We're working on his recovery, Mr. Taylor. We're doing everything we can. Now we need to wait for his body to respond to the medication. We already started the treatment today."

Justin only nodded. He felt a lump in his throat, he couldn't say anything. Dr. Schneider turned to leave; then he hesitated before addressing Justin again.

"Also, Mr. Taylor…I need your authorization to collect an HIV-test. It's not usual for someone like Mr. Kinney to have a disease like this, especially one with so many complications. We need to know if the Tuberculosis is not secondary to another disease."

Justin felt his head spinning. HIV? "Sure," was all he managed to say.

The older man nodded at him and left Justin to his thoughts.

"Hey, there!" said the nurse, Helen, entering the room with a smile. "It's almost visiting time. I'm going to change his IV medication, do you want to go in with me?"

Justin smiled a little and nodded, following her to the ICU. He washed his hands carefully, now completely used to the ICU's routine, put on his mask and the sterile gown over his clothes.

The nurse entered right behind him. "Don't mind me," she said smiling gently, "I'm just going to change this and leave you alone."

Brian was quiet, as always, surrounded by wires and tubes. Now that he was used to the noise, Justin didn't even register the constant beeping of the monitors. His hand went automatically to the side of Brian's face and he softly ran his fingers through the pale skin of Brian's cheekbone.

"Hey," he said. "I missed you."

Brian's head moved at the direction of his voice and he leaned his face into Justin's touch. Startled, Justin's heart started to beat fast. "Brian?" he said softly. And Brian's head moved a little again.

Justin looked around for the nurse. She was smiling at him. "He's reacting to your voice. The doctor suspended the sedatives this morning. He's starting to wake up."

Relief washed over Justin. "Do you think he can hear me?"

"I'm pretty sure he can," she said. "The physiotherapist is being working with him. His lungs are getting better, and when he's fully awake they're going to see if he's able to breath on his own."

When she left, Justin looked at Brian again. "You scared the shit out of me, did you know that?" he said, touching Brian's forehead, tracing the contours of his face with his fingers.

Brian frowned, eyes closed, as if he was trying to hear what Justin was saying.

"Shh…" Justin said, smoothing Brian's forehead. "Calm down. I'm here." The brunet's face relaxed again.

Justin stayed there, caressing Brian's face and hair, lost in thoughts. Part of him was relieved to know Brian had something perfectly treatable, but from what the doctor just said, Brian had been sick for a long time.

He remembered all the times he had worried about Brian, how thin he was, how he was always smoking and coughing. But he always assumed that Brian had been stressed because of work and because of the twists and turns their relationship always took. God knows Justin was stressed with their separation too.

But now he knew Brian had been in a hospital before, and had hid that from him; which meant he had been deliberately hiding from everyone that he was far from alright for a long time.

Justin didn't even want to think what something like that meant, what was behind Brian's reasons. He thought Brian was alright, that he had changed, even if just a little, that he was expressing his feelings more freely now. But he could see that Brian was in fact hiding something bigger from him. Like the top of an iceberg, he was showing just what he wanted Justin to see, and hiding everything else. And Justin didn't know what to do.

All he knew was that they needed to have a conversation, a very serious one. And very, very soon.

… … … … … … … …

Michael sighed, looking at Ted and Emmett, sitting side by side across him at their usual table at the diner. Ted was reading the paper, Emmett was reading a magazine and Michael was…just being Michael and worrying bout Brian.

"Here, you three, you need to eat," said Debbie, putting a plate full of pancakes on the table.

They all eyed the plate with disinterest, but Michael was the only one who mumbled "Not hungry."

Michael Novotny-Bruckner," she put her hands on her waist in a very Debbie-like manner, frowning at him. "You better eat, we don't need another sick person in the family! The same goes for you, Ted and Emmett."

"Um…I need to go to work," Ted murmured.

"I…" Emmett started to say when Debbie lost her patience.

"Listen, boys," she put one hand on Michael's shoulder, "we're all worried about Brian. But stop eating won't help him. And when he wakes up, he'll need you at full strength."

"Brian has Justin," Michael mumbled.

Debbie sat beside her son and put her arm around his shoulders. "Yes, he has Justin. But last time I checked, Justin was your friend too. He will need your strength. Both will. You are a family, all of you."

Michael just sighed again. Emmett held his cup and sipped his coffee. Ted smiled at Debbie awkwardly. "You know how Brian hates us to fuss over him. When he wakes up, he will be pissed if he finds out that you stopped eating because of him," she said.

"We didn't stop eating!" Michael protested. "It's just that, whenever I thing about Brian with that tube down his throat…"

Yeah, I'm sure there are lots of things far more interesting for him to have down his throat," Debbie commented.

"Ma! This is no time for joking!"

Emmett grimaced. "The thing is…we're always complaining how an asshole Brian is, but…" he trailed off.

"Without him, our breakfast looses half the fun," Ted said.

"How come something like that happened? I still can't believe it." said Michael, scratching his chin.

"This kind of things just...happen," Emmett reasoned, shrugging

"Yeah, but I'm his best friend. I'm supposed to be there for him, you know? I feel I failed him, somehow. Shit."

"Now you're really being silly, Michael. None of us could have prevented what happened, because we didn't know where he was. He was the one who cut himself from everybody, not the other way around." Emmett said.

"But… How come we didn't notice something was going on?"

"Excuse me, we did notice. I tried to talk to him so many times that…he was working almost to exhaustion, I saw something like that coming, I just never thought it was that huge," Ted said.

"I can't stop feeling that I should be doing something," Michael murmured. "I want to help him and I don't know what to do."

Debbie looked at them, smiling a little. They all had been in her life for so many years that she really felt like their mother. "I think all we can do is to be there for Justin, baby." she said. "You know, keeping him company, making sure he's alright…"

"I almost miss Brian's sarcastic remarks," Emmett said.

Ted smirked, "And his sharp sense of humor."

"And his smart tirades," Michael completed.

"Hey, you! "Debbie said, looking at them with soft eyes. "Stop talking about Brian like he's already dead." When they looked sharply at her, she tried again. "Look, Brian is in good hands. We have to keep the faith that everything will be fine. He's going to be just fine, you'll see. Brian and his dry comments will be back in no time."

For a few seconds none of them spoke, lost in their own thoughts. Then, Michael nudged his mother with his elbow. "Do you have a fork? This smells good," he said, looking at the pancake s with a newfound interest.

"And plates?" Emmett said smiling a little.

"And the apple syrup?" Ted asked with hopeful eyes.

… … … … … …

Claire looked hesitant when Justin asked her if she wanted to see Brian, but she nodded and went inside. It was already four in the afternoon and she had come all the way from Pittsburgh, right after work, like she was doing every day, just to sit with Justin in the waiting room.

Not even ten minutes later she left with big and scared eyes, taking deep breaths, trying to calm herself. "Oh my God," she whispered. She looked at Justin and Michael who were standing near the window, talking. "I…I couldn't stay there any longer." She said softly.

"Everything will be fine," Justin said simply. It was easier to feel confident with the room full of people, Justin thought. The hard part was when everyone left at night and he had to stay here alone with his thoughts.

Michael had been there practically the whole day and he had already announced he would stay for the night. Justin was so grateful for the company that he held Michael for several seconds, without a word.

"Brian never gave up easily," Michael said to Claire.

She tried to smile, not quite succeeding. "I hate to see him like this…vulnerable. We're not exactly friends, but…all the discomfort between us was just…gone."

"I think you forgave each other, if you don't mind me saying. You were the one he asked for help, after all," Michael added, sounding a little hurt.

"He only did that because I wouldn't fuss over him, he said that himself. I should have done something, though. I feel guilty."

"Welcome to the guilt club." Justin said. "I was just talking to Michael about this. As much as I love Brian," his voice cracked a bit, "it was his choice not to see a doctor, it was his choice to go away. Besides, what would you do?" Justin asked. "Tie him to the bed and call 911?"

"It might have worked," she said.

"Sunshine, I'm going to the cafeteria with Emmett," Debbie said approaching them. "Do you want something?"

"No, thanks, Deb."

"I'll go with you, Ma," said Michael.

When they left, Justin looked at Claire. They had developed an almost-friendly way of acting toward each other after the conversation at Britin. "Why don't you go home earlier today? Michael said he'll stay the whole night."

"Will you go to the house later?" she asked.

"Yeah, I need a shower."

"Okay," she answered. "I think I'll go home, then. Peter is staying with Mom when I'm here, and he's not very happy about it."

"Your mother…" Justin started, knowing it was a difficult subject. "Does she know what happened?"

"She does," Claire said. "I wasn't planning on saying anything, but Peter accidentally mentioned it, so I had to tell her."

Justin only nodded, thinking how unpleasant it would be to see Joan Kinney when she came to see her son.

"And before you ask, no, she is not coming." Claire said grimacing, as if reading Justin's thoughts.

Justin frowned. "She's not coming? What the hell…?"

"She said she hates hospitals and there's nothing she can do, and the weather is too cold for an old lady to leave her house…" she snorted, "and that she'll pray for him."

"Pray? Well thank you very much. What kind of mother is that?" he asked, indignantly.

"The kind who lets her husband beat the shit out of her own kids and doesn't do anything to stop him," Claire snapped, eyes flaring.

"Sorry, I didn't want to…" Justin said uncomfortable.

"That's okay," she said. "My therapist said I need to face it in order to move on. The problem is that before the therapy I was able to control my hurt, anger or whatever I feel when I talk to my mother. Now it feels I'm angry at her all the time."

"Maybe that's part of the process," Justin said. He still wasn't used to Claire's sincerity, the way she talked about things most people would avoid. It was quite the opposite from Brian, where he never talked about his parents, she didn't seem to mind. Only, her comments about them weren't always nice.

"Yeah, maybe…Listen, can I call you later? To know if there's any news about him?"

"Sure," Justin answered. "Uh…thanks for coming. I'm sure Brian would like to know you've been coming every day and staying with me."

She half smiled. "He would be the first one to tell me to fuck off."

"Being Brian, I don't think 'fuck off' really means that much. He said that to me a lot and I'm still here."

She looked at him and for a moment Justin thought he saw her eyes glistening a little. "Shit," she murmured, "I must be getting soft."

In another situation he would have laughed, because that was something he expected to hear from Brian. "I'm sure he'll like to know you came. Even if he says the opposite."

"He's going to be alright, you know?" she said, averting her eyes. "He's strong, he's in the best hospital. He has lots of reasons to live for. Everything will be fine."

And Justin strangely realized he was glad she had come.

--

Lindsay opened the children's bedroom, where Gus was trying his best to play silently with his LEGO while Jenny took her nap. . "Gus, honey, come downstairs. There's milk and chocolate cookies for you," she said.

"Oops," said Gus. "What did I do, Mommy?"

"Nothing, sweetheart…why?"

"Something is wrong. Every time you and Momma want to say something that you think I won't like, you give me milk and cookies."

Lindsay smiled while she took his little hand in hers.

"Like when you told me were moving to Canada, or when you said Dad and Justin weren't going to marry anymore," Gus said.

"When did you get to be so clever?" she asked, kissing the top of his head. "Come on, your Momma and I want to talk to you."

"I'm smart like Daddy," he declared.

He sat down at the kitchen table. Mel was already there, waiting for him and Lindsay.

Lindsay sat beside him at the table.

"Baby…" said Mel, taking his little hand in hers. "You know we love you very, very much, don't you?"

"Yep," said the boy. "Are we moving again?" he asked.

Lindsay smiled. "No, Gus, we're going to stay here. I mean, we're trying to find a house so you and Jenny have more space."

"But I like Grandma's house," Gus said. "It's always full of people."

"I know, but don't you want your own room? A place where you can play and decorate the way you want?"

"Okay,' Gus said, starting to eat the cookies.

"Honey, uh…we…wanted to talk about your daddy," said Mel.

"I told you, Momma, I don't know where he is!" Gus complained, rolling his eyes, and Lindsay had to fight the urge to laugh, he looked so much like Brian when he did this.

"The thing, Gus," Lindsay said, adjusting her beautiful golden hair in the ponytail, "is that we know where daddy is, I mean, he came back."

"He did?" Gus's eyes lit up and he looked at her excitedly. "Can we see him today? Please, Mommy?"

She smiled, but looked at Mel, and the brunette answered for her.

"The thing is, daddy is a little sick, so he had to go to the hospital to get better."

"Oh, no! He must be very sick, because you only go to the hospital when you're very, very sick and you'll need an injection," said Gus worriedly.

"He's going to stay there for a while," Lindsay said.

"Do they have needles? Do you think he's going to need an injection, Mommy?"

"Probably yes, darling."

Gus's eyes glistened with tears. "Poor Daddy," said the boy, genuinely worried. "I don't want them to use needles on him. They hurt."

"Don't worry, baby," said Mel soothingly. "Your dad is gonna be fine, the doctors are taking care of him."

"I wanna go see him," he announced firmly.

"Oh, no, you can't," Mel explained. "It's a hospital made only for adults, they forbid all the little and handsome boys to go in."

"But Momma, Daddy needs to see me! I have to tell him that I behaved like he asked, and I need to give him a hug and a kiss so he will get better soon! That's what he does when I get sick."

Lindsay's heart clenched in her chest. She hated to see Gus crying and he was just about to do so. "I know, baby. Let me talk to the doctor, first, okay? I'll ask him to let you go inside."

"Oh." Gus said, sniffing. "I hope he's okay soon. Dad never gets sick," he said, dropping the cookie on the plate again. "I don't wanna eat anymore," he said.

"Gus, I have an idea," Mel said, smiling at him. "Why don't you go upstairs, pick your coloring pencils and make a beautiful drawing for Daddy, huh? Mommy can take it to him when she goes to visit."

Gus's eyes lit up, again. "Yeah! I'm gonna use the sketchbook Jus gave me, so the drawing will be very big and Daddy will know I love him that much!" he said, jumping excitedly from the chair, tears forgotten, and he ran upstairs.

Mel and Lindsay looked at each other.

"It was better than I thought," said Lindsay.

"Don't fool yourself," Mel argued. "This boy is too smart, he won't be easily fooled. If we don't take him to see Brian soon, we'll run out of excuses."

"By then Brian will have waken up," Lindsay said hopeful.

"I hope so, Lindz. Because, as much as I find it amazing, Gus adores Brian…and the last thing I want in the world is to see our boy breaking his heart."

… … … … … … … …

Brian left the ICU two days later, breathing on his own but still too weak to do anything but sleep. Justin wanted nothing more than to stay with him all the time, but since his disease was highly contagious, Brian was moved to an isolated room, still with restricted visits, and Justin still had to use a mask around him.

Sometimes Brian would open his eyes and look at him as if trying to remember who he was, and sometimes he would just stare at the ceiling with vacant eyes, barely acknowledging Justin's or anyone's presence.

The doctor explained that it was normal because Brian had been sedated for days, and his body needed a lot of sleep to recover. He was still under heavy antibiotics for the Pneumonia, and combined with the Tuberculosis's treatment, it was just an awful amount of medication that left him sleepy and feeling sick all the time.

Once in a while, in his sleep, Brian would mumble Justin's or Gus's name and frown or whimper, as if having a nightmare. All it took was Justin's hand on his forehead or his face and he would sleep peacefully again.

Justin was staying at Britin, just because it was the practical thing to do. It was nearer to the hospital than the loft, and he hated to drive in the snow. But whenever he was at the manor to shower and sleep a little, he went straight to the bedroom, trying his best to avoid the living room where his happy memories lived. This was not how he had envisioned living at the country manor: alone. Wherever he looked he saw Brian, and the future they could have had if Justin hadn't left. He frequently asked himself if they would ever have that life together, of if destiny would find more shit to throw at them.

It was New Year's Eve and Justin was sitting on the armchair in near the window, across Brian's bed, sketching. The little TV was on but with no sound; once in a while Justin looked at the images of people celebrating the New Year around the world. He was a little hungry, but in no mood of the cafeteria's food, and he was tired of the fucking mask he had to wear all the time. He got up, deciding to go downstairs for a coffee, if only to stretch his legs. But when he looked at Brian, he saw a pair of hazel eyes looking at him.

"Hi," he said, not expecting Brian to answer.

It was common for him to slip in and out of consciousness without a word, so Justin's heart warmed all over when Brian managed a small smile and murmured, "Sunshine…"

Justin immediately ran to Brian's side, grabbing his hand. He knew Brian would probably think he was being a drama queen, but he felt his eyes tingling with tears that soon started to fall, because it was the first thing Brian said directly at him since that night at his kitchen when he was all fever and cough and blood.

Justin knew he wasn't supposed to remove the mask he was wearing, but he wanted Brian to see his smile and the fucking mask was going to get soaked with tears anyway. Brian frowned at the mask, but Justin dismissed it shaking his head slightly. Brian raised his hand with effort and cupped Justin's face, his thumb caressing the path the tears left.

"You're beautiful," Brian murmured.

"So are you," Justin said shakily.

"Why are you crying?" he asked in a raspy voice.

"Because I'm happy," Justin said smiling.

"Even so. Don't like it. No tears."

Justin shook his head no and leaned into Brian's touch. "I missed you."

Brian tried to sit up, his hand leaving Justin's face, but gave up with a groan as his muscles protested. "Dizzy," he said, closing his eyes.

"Keep still," Justin said, putting a hand on Brian's chest.

Brian turned his head slightly, looking around. "We're not home," he stated, confused.

Justin wondered how much he should say, but before he could say anything Brian closed his eyes again. "I'm tired," he said with a small sigh.

"Sleep," Justin replied, running his hand through Brian's hair in a soothing gesture.

Brian suddenly opened his eyes and his hand searched for Justin's. "Stay?" he asked.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Good."

Brian slept almost immediately, still holding Justin's hand. The blond kept his other hand caressing Brian's hair for a long time, until Brian's face was completely relaxed. Then he put the mask again – he wouldn't wait for the nurse to get in and reprimand him – and resumed his position at the chair, coffee forgotten, feeling his chest light and still smiling.

He didn't care if ht was New Year's Eve and he wasn't celebrating with the others. All that mattered was that Brian had finally given some sign of being fully awake, even if for a short time. Claire had been here earlier, but Brian hadn't waken up, so she left after a while. She never stayed too long now that he was out of the ICU, and Justin supposed she was afraid of her brother's reaction when he saw her. She still went to the hospital every day, but left quickly after hearing the news about Brian. Clearly, the old Kinney's method of denial.

Michael had been there too, but he and Ben were taking the kids to see the fireworks at the park tonight, so he had left early. Jennifer had called, and so had Debbie, and Justin had assured them he would be alright. Even Alex had called earlier, telling him he was missing a wonderful party at her apartment, and Justin told her there was no place he'd rather be than next to Brian.

He actually liked those quiet moments he spent at Brian's side, watching him sleep. He felt at peace there, surrounded by silence, Brian's steady breathing assuring him everything was going to be fine.

……

Around two AM he heard a faint knock at the door. Moaning, because he had slept on the armchair again, he got up and opened the door, surprised to find Ted behind the door.

"Ted? Something happened?" he asked, stepping aside to let Ted come in.

"No, everything's fine. Blake and I were at a party at the rehab center…we were on our way home and we decided to come here and see you."

Justin raised an eyebrow. "A little far from your way home, isn't it?"

Ted looked at him sheepishly. "Okay, I blackmailed him to come with me. We can't drink anyway, and the road is empty at this time."

"Where's Blake?"

"Downstairs, he met a friend who works here. She's a nurse, they are chatting at the cafeteria. I figured you would be alone here."

"Well, I didn't want to leave Brian alone here. And I don't feel like going to a party."

"I know." Ted sighed, and suddenly remembered something, giving Justin the brown paper bag he was holding. "I – I brought you some food from the party. Daren made it. Just some canapés and sandwiches, but it's very good."

"Wow, thank you, I was starving, but the food here tastes like shit." Justin said, opening the package. "You even brought me coffee!" he said, drinking the hot black liquid that tasted like heaven in a cold night.

"The least I can do…" Ted murmured. "I know I haven't come here as much as I should. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry, Ted. I know you have to work. With Brian out of the market, I figure you and Cynthia have been pretty stressed lately."

"Tell me about it," Ted said. "Speaking of Brian, how is he?"

"Getting better. The doctor said the treatment is long but he is breathing okay now, and he just woke up a few hours ago. The first time I hear his voice in a week.."

"Thank God. Long treatment, uh?"

"Six months."

"Holy shit! You're gonna spend six months without fucking?"

"Damn! I haven't thought about that!"

"Poor Brian…"Ted said, looking sincerely upset. "He'll be devastated, they're taking his favorite thing in the world…" he then mused with a playful smile.

"Fuck. He'll be a bitch to live with." Justin remembered when Brian had testicular cancer and couldn't have sex. He was a nightmare, always complaining about everything. Sex was his fuel.

Ted wanted to laugh, but then he remembered he would have to deal with a deprived-of-sex Brian at work. It would be hell. "Oh my God, and I'm the one who's gonna suffer at Kinnetik." He paused, looking at Brian's sleeping form. "Do you know when he'll be going home?"

"Nope," Justin said, still munching. "Too early to tell."

They stayed in silence for a few minutes while Justin kept eating. Ted's eyes traveled around the room and stopped at the sleeping man again. "Shit, he is really thin."

"Yeah. And he's still not eating. Even the smell of food makes him sick. When he's awake, that is."

"Shit." Ted murmured.

"They're worried, you know. And so am I."

Ted sat on a plastic chair and looked at Justin hesitantly. "I…feel responsible for this."

Justin stopped eating, rolling his eyes. "No, not you, Ted." He turned his head to Ted. "Why all of you feel responsible for Brian's shit? Michael already said that, so did Claire, now you?"

"Well, I – I …"Ted stuttered.

"Look, Ted," Justin said very patiently, "Brian is an adult. I know all of you like him a lot, and believe me…" he drew a deep breath, "None of you…love him more than I do." When Ted nodded, Justin went on "But we can't feel responsible for the things he does to himself. As far as I know, you can't predict the future, neither can I, so please, you and Michael should stop saying that you should have seen it coming. Because if you do so, I'm gonna start feeling guilty too, and that's completely unhealthy for our sanity."

"But the thing is…I saw it coming, Justin. I did… and I did nothing to stop it."

Justin got up from the chair and went to where Brian was, adjusted the covers, brushed a strand of hair from Brian's face and walked to where Ted was sitting again. All to gain some time.

Now that the worst was gone and he knew Brian would be alright, it was hard not to be angry at him sometimes. But seeing Brian like that made him feel guilty for being angry at him, and Justin hated guilt. He had seen what guilt had done to Brian after the bashing, and it was not pretty. He shuddered, thinking about the silk scarf smeared with dried blood that Brian used like a second skin. He would be damned before he would allow any form of self-inflicted guilt to fall on his shoulders.

"Ted," he said, "please…stop feeling like that. You had nothing to do with what happened to him. Hell, we don't even know everything that happened to him, because he never told us anything."

Ted took a shaky breath, and Justin realized he was witnessing a typical Ted's drama queen moment.

"I could have helped, you know…" Ted said. "When he want to Allegheny Hospital six months ago. I was there all the time."

Justin's eyes went wide. "You were?"

Ted just nodded.

"The doctor saw in his medical records that he was in the ER six months ago. But I thought he was alone."

"He made me and Cynthia promise we wouldn't tell…" Ted murmured. "I'm so ashamed. I found him out cold at his office one night…and we took him to the ER. They said it was only hypoglycemia, but it took him a long time to wake up."

Justin closed his eyes, shivering. Brian out cold was something he never wanted to see in his life again.

"The doctor said something like that wasn't common and asked him to stay for a few tests. He said he wanted an x-ray because he saw Brian coughing."

"And? Did the exams showed anything?"

"Um…he never had them. Me and Cynthia, we…helped him to get out of the hospital…"Ted sighed, "against the doctor's orders.

"He ran away? God! Why would he do something like that?"

"Uh…it was one day before your graduation, he said there was no way he would miss the plane."

Justin closed his eyes again. "God…all this time…he already knew something was wrong and he didn't tell me anything."

"But I knew, Justin…" Ted said, eyes full of anguish. "I knew he was far from alright…I could have told you…but I didn't. Over the last two years we've been getting…close, I dare say. Late nights working, eating take-outs on Saturdays at Kinnetik… and before I knew it I was the only member of the gang who still saw him on a regular basis. I could have done something."

"What, Ted?" asked Justin, sniffing. "From what you told me, Brian didn't want any help…" his voice was sad. "I don't get how he can do this to himself."

Ted was now unashamedly crying. "He – he helped me when I needed him the most. When I almost went to jail, he made St – Stockwell give up using me as an example."

"I know, Ted," Justin said, putting his hand on Ted's shoulder.

"Th – then he…he g – gave me a job at Kinnetik…I n – never liked so much to be an accountant," he smiled a little. "Then the partnership…"

Ted clutched Justin's t-shirt and rested his head on Justin's shoulder. "He saved my ass twice and I wasn't able to help him not even once…"

Someone knocked softly at the door, and Justin was relieved to see Blake. "Your boyfriend is having a meltdown," he said, relieved. As much as he felt sympathy for Ted's moment of guilt-gratitude towards Brian, his head was in turmoil. He was still trying to process the fact that Brian had deliberately hidden that he was sick for over six months…

As Blake hugged Ted, smiling apologetically at Justin, the blond excused himself. "I'm going to get another coffee," he said, leaving Blake and Ted alone. "Won't be long."

"Okay," said Blake, holding Ted in his arms. "Shh, baby," Blake said, to a drama queen Ted who kept saying murmuring he was a lousy friend.

"I – I'm sorry, Blake, I just got carried away…he g – gave me a way to start my life over again and – and I did nothing to h – help him…"

"Shhh…" Blake said. "You're a wonderful friend…You're wonderful in everything you do…Brian is so lucky to have you…"

"You – you think so?"

"No doubt," Blake murmured, kissing Ted tenderly.

"Oh God, I'm in hell," said a weak but annoyed voice.

Ted and Blake looked astonished to a very awake Brian.

"This is my punishment, right?" Brian said weakly, resting against the pillows, but there was a smile on his lips. "To watch you grope each other for all eternity… Is this your idea of payback, Theodore?"