Time for that Christmassy chapter I promised! Honestly, it really doesn't feel very much like Christmastime to me. I guess because I've been feeling down for a while. With any luck, the holiday will cheer me up some, but I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with a solution to a problem, so I don't know how well that'll work. Hopefully my cousin will come to pay me a visit like last year, which was a blast – we watched the Scripps National Spelling Bee and were dying of laughter because of how little those kids know about the world and this one girl who did the weirdest thing every time she said a letter. In my house, we're not having much of a Christmas this year since the car got wrecked by a deer, but it doesn't matter to me one way or another – the only thing I want can't be bought and isn't found in stores.
Anyway, happy holidays, my friends. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noel, and all that stuff – whoever you are, and whatever you celebrate, have a great time!
Huh, where do I begin this chapter? I haven't really thought too much about it with my thought reserves being used up on something else and the fact that I've been playing Crusaders of Might and Magic all week. I'm not even sure how I got playing that old game – I guess I decided to finally sit down and play it all the way through (I only ever got to the Dwarves castle before I got annoyed and quit). I think I'm getting close to the end of it actually… And I finally found something about it that I really like (the whole game is okay, but sort of irritating), the Dashers. They really creep me out, but they're neat at the same time for something that looks like a bird, a fox, a human and a zebra got it on… Anywho, I should get going on this chapter so I have a little time to play that before I hit the hay. I usually don't do any gaming on Fridays (that's my typing-only night), but I'll make an exception this time. Actually, I do have one idea for this… And it's based on a really creepy dream I had the other night (I have a sinus infection and have been running fevers on and off, so it's very weird).
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Chapter Twenty-Six
ACT IX
On the Stage
The teen dressed as a theater usher came onto the stage, walking slowly to the edge and clearing his throat. "I have an announcement to make…"
"We can't hear you!" shouted Chris, ever entertained by his heckling of everyone who graced the stage.
The usher crossed his arms. "FINE! IS THIS BETTER?!"
Silence.
"GOOD! I HAVE A SPEECH! THIS NEXT ACT IS BEING RE-WRITTEN TO ACCOMMODATE THE ARRIVAL OF CHRISTMAS, SO ENJOY THE END OF THE SHOW!"
In the Audience
Barry, who had wandered around this whole time while eating a BLT, had somehow found his way into a balcony where two Muppets he vaguely recognized of old men sat.
"That was a speech?"
"It was dumb!"
"It was obvious!"
"It was pointless!"
"It was… short."
"I loved it!" they laughed in unison, while he just looked at them weird.
"Wait a minute… The play started back in October… We've been here for two months??" Barry realized, in complete shock… then shrugged and continued eating.
On the Stage
The "convoy", who had been missing from the play for a while, entered the stage as the usher left, and gathered around a fake fire pit, where they appeared to be roasting marshmallows. Player Claire stood to speak.
"Because it's a holiday… But more so because I'm in a good mood… I'll entertain you with a poem."
"How is a poem entertaining?" Player Carlos asked.
"Shut up." She glared at him for a minute, and then began. "Go and catch a falling star - "
"Not literally, Alice!" Player Carlos shouted at the retarded pancake head.
"Maybe I should move on to another part… If thou be'st born to strange sights, things impossible to see, ride ten thousand days and nights, till age snow white hairs on thee…"
"You can do that one, Alice!"
"Thou, when thou return'st, wilt tell me all strange wonders that befell thee."
"But don't come back!" Player Carlos added, but Alice was already off on her journey.
"I hope she gets killed," Player Claire murmured.
In the Audience
Wesker, having recovered from his odd assortment of injuries and managed to escape from the horde of people after him (for now, anyway), was already pretty pissed, and did not need any more annoyances. Unfortunately, fate does not favor unkind people.
Birkin came up to him, being followed by a few weird looking orange creatures. They walked upright, had a human body-type, a peculiarly-shaped head with something that resembled a beak and a snout put together and two large spikes sticking off the back, and tattoo-like stripes, one with red, one with green and one with teal.
"These fellows were looking for you, Albert."
"Err… What exactly are they?" he asked, and the three things gave him a dirty look.
"I believe they called themselves Dasher Rangers… And they were sent here by the Forest Spirit because of something to do with harming a wild animal?"
"How does everybody know about that?" Wesker asked himself, just before the Dashers started stabbing him with swords that glowed red. He just stood there and sighed. "You know, I can't die. So there's really no point to this."
They ignored him.
"Will, could you get them to quit it?"
"How?"
"I don't know. Compliment them, or something."
"What would that do?"
Suddenly Wesker put on a hat, grabbed a cane, and began dancing while the Dashers kept stabbing him. "I'm glad you asked about that thing, 'cause what I'd like to do is sing a song about getting people to do stuff for you, by using compliments even if they ain't true! 'Cause you look like you lost some weight, now lick my hands and paint that crate!"
"Okay."
"I gotcha!"
"Oh."
"Now you try!"
William joined in. "You look great in that shirt, now help me hem my brand new skirt! You have very nice cheek bones, now help me co-sign this bank loan!"
The Dashers, annoyed by their horrible singing, started stabbing more viciously.
"Uh, Will, now would be a good time."
William thought for a moment, and then came up with the perfect compliment. "Dashers," he said, "I must say you're stripes are delightful – they remind me of a dream I had where Paul Hogan from Crocodile Dundee was walking around completely nude, draped in pink and black vines."
Wesker really didn't need to know about that. The Dashers, on the other hand, didn't seem to care.
"Did you forget?" one of them spoke up, "We speak English. We heard everything you just said, so your compliments are no good to us."
Wesker ran a hand down his face. "Damn."
What else could make this crappy situation worse?
On the Stage
Player Wesker and the men in black came onto the stage and sprightly music began to play.
"Come on and dress me, dress me, dress me in my finest array because in case you haven't heard today is Do-Mi-Do Day. Dress me in my silver garters, dress me in my diamond studs, 'cause I'm going Do-Mi-Do-ing in my Do-Mi-Do duds."
The men in black began dressing him in various colorful things that didn't match, until he was beginning to look like a marching band leader, while he continued running off a list of clothing items, most of which were worn only by women.
The real Wesker was at a loss for words. Surely it couldn't get any worse than this.
Player Wesker was getting towards the finale of the song. "Do-Mi-Do Day, Do-Mi-Do Day… Come on and dress me in the blossoms of a million pink trees!"
In the Audience
"Oh, come on!!!" Wesker shouted, having never said anything remotely like that in his life… As far as he remembered.
Needless to say, elsewhere in the audience, Chris was laughing hysterically on the floor, completely ignoring the people kicking him the head and demanding he shut up.
On the Stage
"'Cause I'm gooooing Do-Mi-Dooooo-ing," Player Wesker sang.
"In his DoooOOOooo-Mi-Do Duuuuuuds!" the men in black finished.
As Wesker neatened his odd assembly of clothing, they began singing another, rather sad song, the mood completely changing as if they were giving him a warning. "But adventure calls with unknown voices pulling you away. Be careful or you may regret the choice you make someday. When love is gone, when love is gone, the sweetest dream that we have ever known. When love is gone, when love gone. I wish you well, but I must leave you now alone."
The lights dimmed, and the men in black exited, leaving Wesker in his weird getup, while he donned a nightcap and pretended to fall asleep in a big chair that had been placed in the middle of the stage.
All of a sudden, a pair of ghostly ooooo's was heard, and two people dressed as scientists came onto the stage, painted completely white and dragging chains attached to weights.
Player Wesker, not easily disturbed like the real Wesker, stared at them. "Who the hell are you?"
"Uh… Hey. In life, I was your partner. But now I'm just some dead guy with cool chains."
"Birkin?" Player Wesker questioned, adjusting his sunglasses in disbelief.
In the Audience
"I BEG YOUR PARDON? I do not speak in that manner!" Birkin said, rather disgusted with the way they portrayed him. "And I'm not dead! … Not exactly…"
On the Stage
"And who is that freak?" Player Wesker asked, pointing to the guy beside Player Birkin.
"I told you we should have done the traditional opening," the guy whined, rolling his eyes, "In life, I was your partner, Marcus."
"Huh," Player Wesker said, "I never really considered you a partner… More like a messed-up weirdo I had to work around."
Player Marcus didn't seem amused. "You really suck, you know that?"
"What the hell do you want?"
His two ex-partners began to sing to a rather sinister, but catchy tune. "We're Birkin and Marcus, avarice and greed. We took advantage of the poor, just ignored the needy. We specialized in causing pain, spreading fear and doubt – and if you could not pay the rent, we simply threw you out!"
"Err… Exactly when did you do all that? Were you leading double-lives?"
"We're Birkin and Marcus, our hearts were painted black. We should have known our evil deeds would put us both in shackles. Captive-bound, we're double-ironed, exhausted by the weight. As freedom comes from giving love, so prison comes with hate. We're Birkin and Marcus, ooooo! We're Birkin and Marcus, OOOOO!"
"Is this going somewhere? Or are you trying to get revenge by boring me to death?"
"Doomed, Wesker! You're doomed for all time! Your future is a horror story written by your crime! Your chains are forged by what you say and do, so have you fun, when life is done a nightmare waits for you!"
"Hm… You're not really inspiring much of any emotion here. Least of which, fear."
"Why do we even bother?" Player Marcus grumbled. "He'll never change his ways. Let him continue on his path and become one of us. Then we can get revenge by never inviting him to our wild parties."
"Exactly how wild can a ghost party be?" Player Wesker asked.
"I agree. Not with you, with him," Player Birkin indicated Marcus. "Leave him to become a ghost. We'll have the last laugh."
"About what? If I have the same fate as you, wouldn't that be hypocritical?"
The two ghosts exchanged nods and made their exit, singing, into a cloud of smoke. "We're Birkin and Marcus, ooooo! We're Birkin and Marcus, ooooo! We're Birkin and Marcus, ooooo… CHANGE!"
In the Audience
Birkin was very annoyed by having been made into a ghost, while Wesker was more concerned by how his life sucked.
"Why does this play have to be so against me? What the hell did I do?" he muttered, and as if the Dashers repeatedly impaling him wasn't bad enough, the real Marcus found him… yet again.
"I'm sure you know what that song was about."
"I swear, if you say what I think you're going to say - "
"Learn to love, Albert. It's not hard."
Wesker really wanted to kill someone at this point, so he grabbed the teal-striped Dasher and chucked him at Marcus, who just ducked.
"Albert, you don't have to be so cruel," Marcus said, watching the Dasher that he ducked begin stabbing Wesker, who didn't notice, in the crotch spitefully. As if you couldn't tell, he was about to sing. "When people keep repeating that you'll never fall in love…"
"Shut up."
"When everything feels all over, when everybody seems unkind, I'll give you a four-leaf clover, take all the worry out of your mind."
"Don't say that next sentence!"
"Let my - "
"SHUT UP!"
"Oh, come now, give it a chance. Here, try getting along with Chris again," Marcus suggested, going into the audience and literally dragging Chris, who was vehemently protesting that he would do no such thing, back down.
"I don't want to get along with him – I hate every fiber of his being," Wesker said.
"Uh… Same thing he just said," Chris told Marcus.
Before the argument could continue, though, someone unexpected entered the stage.
On the Stage
A very lost and confused Billy Coen wandered onto the stage, looking out over the audience at a loss for words.
"Uh… Hi. I was supposed to be substituting for a vo-tech class here… But I sort of had a problem finding the place. Then my car broke down in Ohio. And no one would give me a ride for some reason, so I had to walk all the way here. Do you know how much it sucks to have to walk for that long? In the snow?"
The audience was completely silent.
"So… Having some sort of a play here, huh? With a Christmas theme, or something? Here – I'll contribute."
For reasons nobody anywhere understood, probably not even Billy himself, he began singing one old song.
"And there will be snow in Africa this Christmastime… Some line after that… Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow. Do they know it's Christmastime at all?"
In a very scary twist, a loud disembodied voice rang out over the stage. "Hello there, Mr. Bill."
"Mr. Bill? Do I look like a claymation clown to you?"
"Mr. Bill, are you singing about Christmas?"
Then Mr. Hands (the disembodied voice) dumped a huge pile of snow on him. And a pine tree. And some ornaments.
"Damn, that's cold," Billy shivered, climbing out of the snow bank and brushing snow off of himself. Tank tops were definitely not made for winter weather.
"Mr. Bill, would you like to know how cold it is in the North Pole?"
"No, I would not," Billy replied, and an even bigger pile of snow fell on him, before he did Mr. Bill's catchphrase. "OH NO!"
While Billy was drowning in snow, the entire cast of the play came out onto the stage to do their grand finale. Keeping with the holiday spirit, they all joined hands, rocking back and forth to the tune of the song from earlier and sang.
"The love we found, the love found, the sweetest dream that we ever known. The love we found, the love we found we carry with us so we're never quite alone."
Everyone in the audience, apparently touched by the scene – or maybe just overwhelmingly happy that the play was finally over – began hugging each other and crying.
Chris wasn't spared from the emotional moment.
"Oh, Wesker," he said, giving him a hug.
Wesker punched him out cold, while the Dashers continued stabbing away. "I hate all this touchy-feely crap."
Unfortunately, then Birkin and Marcus began hugging him.
"What the hell?!"
On the Stage
The cast took a bow, and Player Carlos stepped forward. "We really hoped you enjoyed our school play, because now we have a surprise for you. It's not over yet."
"WHAT?" the audience screamed collectively.
"Are you serious? There was barely a plot – it can't end until there's a productive plot."
The audience resigned themselves to trying to commit suicide, while the cast sang themselves off in preparation for the next scene.
"Always, I know, you'll be at my show. Watching, waiting, commiserating. Say it ain't so. I will not go. Turn the lights off. Carry me home. Nananananananana…"
INTERMISSION.
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Well, the play's not quite over – exactly where it's even going, I'm not sure, but I'm formulating a plan. The conversation between the two Muppets in the balcony (there was a shirt with them on it that said 'Old School' that I have to find and buy 'cause I love those guys) was taken from "The Muppets Christmas Carol", the poem was "Song" by John Donne, the song about compliments (horrible, yet funny) was from Home Movies, "Do-Mi-Do Duds" was borrowed from "The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T", the song after that was from the part of "The Muppets…" where Scrooge's girlfriend makes him choose the money or her, Player Birkin's first line was from "Beavis and Butthead do Christmas" (I miss that show), "Marley and Marley" is also from "The Muppets…" (I was on a roll with that movie), the song Marcus sings is Pete Townsend's "Let My Love Open the Door", the song Billy sang is Band-Aid's "Do They Know it's Christmastime?", the "Mr. Bill" thing is from very old Saturday Night Live episodes (I couldn't remember who the hell he was until my best friend had me watch a YouTube of it), and last, but not least, the final song was "All the Small Things" by Blink-182.
The dream that Birkin described was the dream I mentioned having earlier – it was very, VERY strange. I love the "Crocodile Dundee" movies, but still… And that wasn't it either – the rest of the dream was me wandering around a castle being attacked by Dashers, while the three kids from Home Movies had me scouting a location for their movie. This is what my dreams are like when I have a fever. Oo
Ah, Billy is finally in the story – now I just have another bunch of people to work in. Okay, that's it for this chapter! Everyone have an excellent holiday, leave me a review and let me know what you think!