From Anna:

Black, Jacob next please!

From Jacob:

NOOOO! Edward's next!

From Edward:

Am not!

From Jacob:

Are too!

From Edward:

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIIIIIIRE!!!!!!

From Anna:

Jacob, Regan says you have approximately two seconds to get in here before she locks you in a room with Rosalie and leaves you there for three days.

From Rosalie:

OOO! How exciting! Sleepover with Jakey Wolfy Pooooooo!

From Jacob:

Damnit.

From Edward:

FIIIIIRE!!!!!

From Jacob:

Shut up.

From Anna:

Insults shall not be permitted, by order of Head Chairwomen Reganmacneil.

From Jacob:

Well, you can go tell miss Regan too…

( The character Black, Jacob has been removed for immediate disciplinary lessons, by order of Head Chairwomen Reganmacneil. This character shall be submitted again after he has thought about his actions.)

From Bella:

I hate it when that happens.

From Alice:

It's only happened once before with Rosalie.

From Rosalie:

What do you want Alicey girl?

From Alice:

Nothing.

From Rosalie:

EMMETT! ALICEY WOOWOO HATES ME! SHE DOESEN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME ANYMORE!

From Emmett:

Alice! What did you do!?!

From Alice:

Nothing!

From Anna:

Screaming hysterics shall not be permitted either.

From Rosalie:

Sorry Anna wanna poo.

From Anna:

You are forgiven.

( The character Black, Jacob has been re-submitted! He has seen the error of his ways and has apologized after being persuaded by characters Mave and Kat)

From Jacob:

I swear, one day I am going to enjoy beating those two to death as payback!

From Alice:

I don't see any difference. Your still a rude shape changing wolf thing.

From Jacob:

The politically correct term is Werewolf.

From Alice:

Since when did you know so much about politics?

From Jacob:

Since two minutes ago when I was being beaten up by two humans holding two very big pokers. I suddenly decided " Hey, I think I'll become a politician!" and lo and behold, I suddenly was one!

From Alice:

Wow! How strange!

From Jacob:

I know!

From Anna:

Sarcasm is also not permitted.

From Jacob:

Aww, come on!

From Anna:

It's only temporary.

From Edward:

PANTS ON FIIIIIRE!!!

From Bella:

Edward, as your extremely faithful wife who would never ever betray you except for that one time last week and the two times yesterday but they don't count, I'm telling you to shut-the-hell-up about your pants being on fire.

From Edward:

Not my pants. Jacob's pants.

From Bella:

Well in that case: Edward, as your extremely faithful wife who would never ever betray you except for that one time last week and the two times yesterday but they don't count, I'm telling you to shut-the-hell-up about Jacob's pants being on fire.

From Edward:

Shan't. It's fun and childish and you can't tell me what to do.

From Bella:

EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP ABOUT JACOB'S PANTS BEING ON FIRE I SHALL TURN YOU INTO A TREE AND GET A DOG TO PEE ON YOU!!!

From Edward:

Shutting.

From Anna:

Jacob, I have a note for you.

From Jacob:

Fire away Anna!

From Edward:

PANTS ON FIRE!!!

From Bella:

EDWARD!

From Edward:

Shutting again.

From Anna:

Regan says if you don't get in here now she'll rip your limbs off and get a mouse to eat them somehow, she'll explain how later, it's a plan in progress and oh yes Edward shut up about pants or she'll let Bella do what she wants and let a woodpecker peck you to death as well. Then it says good work Mave, Kat and Anna your all amazing unlike some people she will not mention at the moment though they can probably guess. Then it says love Regan.

From Emmett:

She scares me sometimes.

From Rosalie:

AWWW! Emmy puppy is scared! I know! Let's all sit down and tell eachother all our phobias and then he won't be scared anymore! YAY!

From Jacob:

Leaving now. Goodbye. Good luck. Happy slow decent into madness.

From Regan:

Now, a warning to you Jacob. Any funny business and you'll be confined in a cage so small that not even your hand could fit into it comfortably.

From Jacob:

Threat taken on board and carefully thought about for ten seconds.

From Regan:

That was unnecessary and childish.

From Jacob:

How exactly?

From Regan:

I'll figure it out later.

And no wisecracks about this whole review being conducted by text. It just is, O.K? The story is called Twilight Texting Madness for a reason. If it was meant to be spoken the story would have been called Twilight Speaking Madness. Which it isn't. So no wisecracking.

From Jacob:

Point taken.

From Regan:

Right. Anna, give me the details please.

From Anna:

Name: Black, Jacob. Gender: Male. Species: Werewolf.

From Regan:

You have the following grades, Jacob Black. Anna?

From Anna:

Power: Commitment, B. Attainment: B

Socialness: Commitment, C. Attainment: B

Influence: Commitment, B. Attainment: C

Coolness: Commitment, A. Attainment: A

Intelligence: Commitment, D. Attainment: F

Personality: Commitment, A. Attainment: B

Contribution: Commitment, B. Attainment: B

Creativity: Commitment, D. Attainment: D

From Regan:

Now. Power. Reasonable grades, yes, but could improve.

Socialness, well, you could do a lot better at socializing and being polite a little bit more. I feel you haven't really tried hard enough.

Influence: You have tried to influence a little, but your outcomes have not been great.

Coolness. Very impressive! Keep it up!

What do you have to say about these first four grades?

From Jacob:

Is socialness even a word?

From Regan:

I said no funny business!

From Jacob:

Or you'll put me in box so small I won't even be able to fit my foot into it comfortably?

From Regan:

If you had been listening properly you would have known that it was your hand.

From Jacob:

Wow, that was a lot of italics.

From Regan:

Was that meant to be funny?

From Jacob:

Not really.

From Regan:

Well good. Because it wasn't.

From Mave:

Do we get to beat him to death yet?

From Kat:

I'm bored.

From Anna:

No pokers permitted during academic reviews, but they are encouraged outside of them. So you can beat him to death afterwards.

From Jacob:

That is not fair!

From Regan:

It's still not funny.

From Jacob:

It wasn't meant to be.

From Regan:

Well good. Because it's getting old and really gay.

From Jacob:

Can we, like, get on?

From Regan:

I HADN'T FINISHED INSULTING YOU!

From Jacob:

Carry on then. Be my guest.

From Anna:

Sarcasm is still not permitted.

From Jacob:

Can you get the dumb and short blonde to shut up Regan?

From Regan:

No. Reason being, I like Anna more than I like you.

From Anna:

HAHA!

From Regan:

Because she's generally more amazing and not a stupid slightly gay werewolf thingy.

From Jacob:

I AM NOT A SLIGHTLY GAY WEREWOLF THINGY! YOU CAN STUFF IT MISS REGAN I AM SO SUPER!

From Mave:

Can we hit him now?

From Regan:

Yes.

From Kat:

YAY! MAVE AND KAT BEAT UP STUPID SLIGHTLY GAY WEREWOLF THINGY!

From Regan:

And that is one of the reasons you got an F in intelligence Jacob. You underestimate just how badly I will punish you.

From Anna:

That was fun.

Can we interview Justin Bieber now?