26- Not good enough

We had fallen asleep back to back but sometime during the night- probably when the fire had gone out in the early hours of the morning and the room had gotten cold- I must have cuddled up to him, seeking the warmth of his body. I still felt warm and cosy when I woke up hours later, lingering in the pleasant state between dreams and reality for a while before realisation hit me. I was lying in bed with a man who wasn't my lover and yet it didn't feel wrong to me. After all, I hadn't betrayed Sirius; I had merely snuggled up to my best friend without any ulterior motives. No harm done. It couldn't be wrong to enjoy warmth and comfort after a day like yesterday.

Severus was still sound asleep. From the way the light fell in through the shutters of the windows I guessed it must be around lunch time already and therefore unusually late for him to still be asleep. But that was good; he was never getting enough sleep anyway and I certainly didn't want to wake him. I even took pride in the fact that apparently he felt comfortable enough in my presence to sleep in as I propped myself up on one elbow to gaze at his face. His features were relaxed and he looked so much younger, as if finally all the burdens that were weighing him down had been taken off his shoulders, even if only for a while. I couldn't help but to brush his lips with mine.

His lips twitched to form the ghost of a smile, flickering over his face. My heart ached for him in a way that was probably not appropriate in a friendship, but whatever little flame had been lit was dying almost instantly a mere second later.

"Lily…"

It was like a kick in the face, a cold shower pouring down on me. What had I expected? I was such a fool. I was a fool because I allowed the hurt I felt. Hastily I drew back from him and sat up with mixed emotions, embarrassed, angry at myself… and, all of a sudden, strangely embittered.

His eyes fluttered open, black orbs searching for me, still heavy with sleep. Totally lacking the coldness some people saw in them. He rubbed his face with his hands, then sat up, looking at me. Sensing at once that I was irritated.

"What's wrong?"

"I… I don't know," I lied before I gave vent to what had been bottled up within me for so long without me ever realising it. "I… I'm just so sick of you being so fixated on Lily as if she had been a better friend to you than I was. Because she wasn't. She had to make excuses for even talking to you, knowing her prodigious Gryffindor friends would never approve to her being friends with you, a Slytherin. She never accepted you the way you are, she never even tried to understand what it was like to be in Slytherin. She blamed you for hanging around with those of your house because- admittedly- most of them became Death Eaters. But what did she expect you do you? She said, I don't like your friends, not getting that you had to get along with the people you had to live, sleep, eat, go to classes with…"

"What on earth are you babbling about?" Severus asked harshly, a crease forming between his eyes as he glared at me; they looked cold now. "If that's a fit of jealousy I consider it pretty uncalled for."

"So what if I'm jealous indeed? You seem to cling to the idea that she was perfect, that everything was always your fault, never hers. Yes, you made mistakes, horrible mistakes, and the guilt is still eating you up after all those years. You believe you can't be redeemed because you don't allow redemption. But you don't throw away a friendship as easily as she did, not because of one word that slipped your tongue in a moment of utter humiliation. She never forgave you, she never even really listened to you. When you tried to tell her of your theories about Lupin she didn't want to hear any of it. Because Lupin was a Gryffindor and a Gryffindor couldn't possible be a werewolf. It's the damned house system all over again. The slightest mentioning of the Dark Arts made her flinch but nothing was wrong with the pranks of the Marauders. And yet you put her on a pedestal too high for anyone to ever match her, and you almost refused to see that you had a true friend in me. My friendship was undemanding because I believed in you whereas she wanted to change you so that you'd fit better with her Gryffindor ideals. But I always came second. I was always standing in her shadow, never good enough. You tried to consider your moves and deserve the reward like a dog begging for a bone, and then she'd pat your head and say, of course we're best friends. Do you have any idea what it was like to stand in her shadow all the time? You never even noticed me when she was around, as if her blinding aura had cast a Disillusionment Charm over me. When I asked you to go Hogsmead together you always waited to see if perhaps Lily would ask you to, and only when she chose to go with her Gryffindor girls instead you remembered me again. Same with studying. When Lily was in the library you forgot you had promised to help me with an essay because you only had eyes for her. Do you have any idea how frustrating that was? I was only good enough whenever she had no time for you, but I was always there for you. You just didn't realize it. You never realized that there was someone who loved you for what you are, with all your flaws, even with the darkness in you, and not for what you should be- what she wanted you to be. I waited so long for you to become aware of me, to notice that Lily wasn't the only option for love in your life. You never did though. And yet I treasured every moment we spent together, the long nights in our common room when only the two of us were around. You were the only one who made life at Hogwarts bearable to me, you made me forget the pranks, the insults… because you were strong. I felt safe when I was with you, untouchable, indestructible… almost happy.

"You know, the reason I fell for Sirius was because he was the crass opposite of you. He was popular, charming, funny- always good for a laugh. I loved his casualness, the way he ran his fingers through his hair because of that one unruly streak that kept falling in his face. He was a handsome devil, but what I liked most about him was that he seemed to be the only boy at Hogwarts who wasn't infatuated with Lily Evans. Of course, that's a poor excuse for falling in love with someone who had treated you so badly, who had made your life such a hell ever since your first meeting on the Hogwarts express but… but maybe I wanted to hurt you, to annoy you… to stir any feeling in you as long as it was about me… because loving you was such a hopeless case…"

Merlin's beard, I was really talking myself into trouble. Severus stood and walked over to one of the windows that would be overlooking the grounds if not for the shutters. He leaned one hand against them and pushed them open. Sunshine fell into the room now, almost blinding me because it came so unexpected. He stood there in silence for what seemed to be an eternity, not speaking to me, his silhouette a dark shadow against the light. I watched him for a while, trying to figure him out. Was he angry at me?

I had messed it up, pushed it too far. I had said things I had never wanted to say, least to let him know. I had never wanted to reveal what I had so successfully managed to hide all the years but it was out now. No more secrets. And yet I felt miserable, as if I had just wrecked our friendship with my confession. Tears were burning hot in my eyes… I didn't want to lose him. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him.

A loud thud made me raise my head. He had banged the shutters with his fist in a fit of whatever emotion was sizzling deep within him.

Finally he spoke, his voice a barely audible whisper.

"Do you have any idea what it was like… to hear you fell through that veil… to know that you were gone, gone like her… and then Dumbledore," I saw him shaking his head, biting his lips, then straightening his back and looking out of the window, "Dumbledore had imposed the task of killing him upon me, Narcissa made me swear an Unbreakable Vow to protect her son, and Potter thought it his duty to make the worst year of my life even more memorable. I… once again one of the Marauder had taken away someone dear to me, as if it's their life-task to make my life as miserable as possible, and I hate Black for that. I don't think I can forgive him, ever. He's responsible for her death just like I am- he pushed her away from me with all his arrogance, with all his stupid pranks, and then he had the nerve to entrust a life so precious into the hands of… of a rat! And now he expects me to be grateful because he finally treats me with decency? No, I don't think so. He can't just wag his tail and give paw and all the humiliation will be forgiven and forgotten." He fell silent again before he slowly turned around to face me, but I couldn't see his expression due to the counter-light. "I might not have been the friend you deserved, but don't… don't ever think your friendship means nothing to me."

"Sev…" I made an attempt to get up and approach him when he turned his back on me again.

"You said you'd write. You never did."

"But I did. I sent a letter as soon as I was at Buena Vista, I sent Christmas and birthday cards. You never replied. I thought you wanted to end our friendship, that it never meant that much to you anyway. That I wasn't good enough for you because I wasn't Lily. I also thought the influence of Slytherin house might have finally won over and you joined the Death Eaters. A lot of things were going through my mind then and yet I only stopped writing in the summer you graduated and left Hogwarts because I didn't know where you went then… Today, I believe you never got any of my letters…"

"That's right."

I shook my head. What had happened to all my letters? Of course, one could go missing but not all of them. Suddenly I had an idea. "Were the owls being intercepted at that time?"

"No. At least not officially- although there were rumours that the correspondence of Slytherin was censored to avoid parents from infecting their children with their pureblood-mania while at school. The Black boy once complained a letter from his mother must have gone missing… I doubt though you could have possibly written anything that sounded like Death Eaters propaganda."

"Decidedly not. But who would have had an interest in withholding my letters to you?"

"Without thinking I have four names in mind."

"Yeah, the usual suspects." If Sirius had his hands in that I'd throttle him. "But to what point and purpose?"

"Imagine a boy who wasn't known for getting any mail suddenly waiting for the owls to arrive and then imagine the haughty sneer on Potter's face when once again the boy had waited in vain." His voice was cold and strangely distant as if he hadn't been the boy he was talking about.

I preferred to not imagine the scenery he had conjured up in my mind's eye because it only made me sad and angry. Shivering I pulled up my legs to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. It was really cold in the room and I wished to be as comfortably warm as I had been when I woke up. Although the sun was shining from a bright blue sky there was a wintry chill in the air.

Severus seemed to notice I was freezing because the fire in the hearth sprang to life with a warm orange glow. He closed the window and only a moment later he set down a mug of tea on the table in front of me.

"I would have called Pinkie to serve us breakfast but…"

"Thanks, I'm not hungry anyway." I was still too full of inner turmoil to even think of eating.

"Me neither."

"I'm sorry. I shout have kept that big mouth of mine shut. Maybe I said too much, was too…"

"You were refreshingly honest," Severus cut me off, sounding slightly sarcastic.

I lowered my head to avoid his eyes when he sat down at the armchair opposite of mine. I didn't want him to read something in my mind that I had buried deep down there a long time ago. Only fools wore their hearts at their sleeves and I was no fool although I had acted like one.

"Just forget what I said," I mumbled.

"I must admit your little rant surprised me. I thought you liked her, and if you believe I treated you unfairly you should be angry at me, not at her." His voice was harsh.

"Well, she treated me kindly, that much is true. But I stand to my word that she wasn't quite the friend you saw in her, she never really understood you. She accused you of having already chosen your path in fifth year which wasn't true. As far as I recall you had not been toying with the idea of joining the Dark Lord while I was still at Hogwards; if I remember correctly your fascination with the Dark Arts was a thirst for knowledge. Of course you wanted power, you wanted strength, you wanted to be able to defend yourself properly. Probably you wanted to hurt them badly but I can't remember you ever using Dark Magic on them, even if they had cornered you and it was four on one once again. Lily always chided you for having let them provoke you and then she left it to me to wipe the blood from your face. What I'm trying to say here, Sev, is that she had absolutely no idea what's it like being bullied."

"I'd rather not talk about Lily, not in such a way," he said sharply and I sensed anger boiling up inside him, mingled with something else I couldn't fathom. Anyone else would have carefully retreated from him now, fearing his wrath, but I added some more fuel to the fire.

"Fine," I snapped, "and I don't want to be called Lily when I kiss you."

Silence.

He stared at me, his black eyes blank, cold. The expression on his face absolutely inscrutable. Any second now he was going to explode, to verbally lash out at me with an uncharted measure of cruelty that would definitely break me, or he'd opt for hexing me straight into oblivion instead. But to my utmost surprise he let out a short, snorting laugh..

"You're the most annoying person I ever met, Lestrange, and I want you to leave now."

I rose from the armchair at once, knowing it was wiser to not oppose to his request. I was straining our friendship if I stayed and I didn't want to lose him. There was a time for argument and there was a time for retreat. Now it was definitely the latter.

If only the thought of having to face the consequences of yesterday's events wouldn't make me feel so miserable, so reluctant to leave the safe shelter of in his presence… the world outside this room was cold, the Ministry was after me, Death Eaters wanted to kill me, the Order mistrusted me. Somewhere in all this mess there was Sirius waiting for me. Loyal, probably trying to mediate between Lupin and me. Just like me he wanted both, his lover and his friend. It didn't seem to work though.

Severus left his private chamber and walked to the big desk in his office to take a look at his map. Apparently the coast was clear. The Carrows were still sleeping it off and the handful of students who had stayed over the holidays were in their common rooms.

"Well then, bye Sev."

He turned around, staring at me with a strange intensity; his black eyes glittering. For a moment I wished he'd sweep me in his arms and kiss me. I was glad he didn't, wondering about myself.

"Goodbye, Raven. I'm certain Black will be very pleased to have you back."

I wrapped my Invisibility Cloak around my shoulders and brushed past him towards the door. Of course Sirius would be glad to have me back and I felt guilty for not being as overzealous as I should be to return to him, scolding myself for my mixed emotions. Of course I loved him and I wanted him to hold me in his arms... but things would have been much easier if I could have stopped myself from messing them up.

I walked along empty corridors- the castle almost seemed to be deserted- then I crossed the entrance hall and left the building. The Hogwarts grounds looked very peaceful and pretty today, all covered with snow as if someone had dusted the scenery with icing sugar to make it a winter wonderland, snow crystals sparkling in the pale light of the wintry sun. The marks my high heel boots left in the impeccable whiteness disappeared magically as I walked on, leaving no trace behind.

When I reached the borders of Hogwarts I turned around to cast a last glance at the castle and in particular at the tower that housed the Headmaster's office. For reasons I couldn't fathom I knew that Severus Snape was standing at one of the windows, watching me although he couldn't see me.

-

Finally I was back in London, having Apparated to a small alley near the hotel where Sirius and I had spent the nights prior to the awful Christmas party at The Burrow. I took off my Invisibility Cloak and produced my mobile phone from the pocket of my coat, switching it on to see whether Sirius had left a message. It was like leaving one world and returning to the other as if by switching on my mobile phone I had switched from the Wizarding to the Muggle world.

The display told me I had received three messages. The first one was expressing his worries and had apparently been sent before I had let him know where I was; the second sounded of relief that I was with Severus, knowing I was safe in his company, and the last one was of longing, saying he loved me and missed me and would be waiting for me. So I hurried to meet Sirius in our hotel room.

He was standing at the window looking outside when I entered.

"Raven!" Whirling around he gathered me in his arms and his mouth crashed down on mine, taking my breath away in a greedy kiss. Since I had longed to be kissed I enjoyed the moment but when his hands started to trail all over my body I broke our embrace and took a step backwards. Though I usually didn't mind ending an argument in bed it seemed to be inappropriate now given that we hadn't even had an argument. Not yet.

"I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic…"

"What? To get screwed so that I'd forget what happened? Sorry, but it won't work like this," I snapped.

"Listen, I had no idea what Remus and Molly had been up to because otherwise I would have talked them out of it, and I definitely don't approve to their methods, but… why did you run away from me?"

"I didn't run away from you, I simply was totally pissed off of these fucking hypocrites and wanted to get as far away from them as possible. You should be able to understand that."

"I do! I wanted to leave with you after telling Remus how disappointed I was with him…"

"Disappointed? Now that sounds pretty lame for something I consider disgusting:" My voice was getting louder and so was his.

"Call it what you want but you should have waited for me. You should have wanted to talk things over with me instead of running to Snape! Mind, I'm glad you ran to him because I almost envisioned you being ambushed by Death Eaters when you were suddenly gone and didn't answer your phone…"

"At least the Death Eaters are more predictable than your dear friends," I snarled before I said more placatory, "But that's not the point here, Sirius. I had to get away, I couldn't have waited for you. I needed a friend who's not friends with that werewolf bastard and I didn't want to hear you making excuses for him… like blaming it on the moon as if he was in a serious state of PMS."

Sirius had difficulties stifling a chuckle at my words. He stared at the floor, nibbling at his lip. Nevertheless I had been right to assume that he would have tried to defend Lupin to some extent.

"He's the only friend left. James… James is dead and Peter… well, you know what he became. I really don't know what's gotten into Moony, why he failed to trust my judgement in you and wanted to figure you out the hard way… he must have been truly concerned. The Order of the Phoenix has always been his home, the place where he was not only accepted but valued- despite of his furry problem- and believing it threatened… I can't explain his behaviour any other way than that it's not easy for him to be what he is, but I will talk to him tomorrow, and I'll make him see that he's wrong about you…"

"Just make sure he doesn't offer you anything in case he might try his luck on you." I said sardonically.

"Raven!" He sounded shocked. "Remus would never do that."

"Are you certain, Sirius? You said it yourself that he doesn't seem to trust your judgement when it comes to me therefore it is not safe to trust him. You know too much, and you can't share that knowledge with Lupin to convince him I'm not a Death Eater. It's not my reputation that's at stake here- I don't give a damn 'bout that- but the Order must not find out about Severus' true allegiance or his life is in grave danger."

"Oh, it's about Snape again…"

"Damned, it's about defeating Voldemort! It's about helping Severus to keep Lily's boy alive- he's the Order's best hope and hope is all they've got since Dumbledore left them pretty clueless."

"Of course I want to help Harry; I'd give my life for him but so would Remus. No matter what you think about him I won't give up my friend because of a mistake he made."

"I'm not asking you to end your friendship with Lupin, nor to make a choice between him and me. All I'm asking you is to be careful and not spill any secrets." I sighed. "Well, as it seems we're very much alike because both of us won't give up our friends and sometimes I think the only thing that stands between us is our relationship. "

He shot me a mildly confused glance. "What precisely do you mean with that?"

I shrugged.

"You know, Raven," Sirius continued, a frown on his handsome features, "sometimes I do wonder whom you would chose if you had to, Snape or me?"

Fortunately that question was not up for discussion at the moment because I really didn't want to be faced with that choice, and yet the current situation seemed to have gotten so damned stuck. I needed time to mull things over, to find a moment of peace after all the turmoil I've already been through today. So I grabbed a bottle of champagne from the mini bar and locked myself in the bathroom for a while.

I heaved a sigh of relief when I sat down in the bath tub filled with pleasantly hot water, stretching out my legs, sinking deeper into it until my body was covered up to the chin with scented foam bubbles. For the first time since waking up today I felt cosily warm. I took a sip of chilled champagne and blew at the mountains of foam in front of me, watching languidly how white bubbles became translucent, sparkling in rainbow colours as they whirled up in the air. Not really mulling anything over I nevertheless came to the conclusion that men were idiots.

And yet I let him seduce me to end our conflict, to never have to answer his last question, when I left the bathroom later. Mayhap it was because I felt quite sensual, slick with a rich body lotion I had rubbed into my skin- or it was just because I was an idiot myself.

Our clothes were spread all over the room, the sheets were untidily churned up due to the passion of our encounter; our legs were entwined as I rested my head against his chest and listened to his breathing. He had fallen asleep but I was still lying awake…

…recalling the day I had succeeded Auror training second best of my class… always second best, never good enough… I should have been happy with the result because it was actually damned good, but then again not good enough to grant me a job. After Voldemort's defeat the Ministry in LA saw no use in employing any more Aurors, which had rendered me vulnerable to the temptations the city's nightlife had to offer… and so I had jumped head over heels into the false glamour of the partying scene, longing for recognition. Oh, what a fool I had been to believe that bedding someone famous would change anything! It had taken me some time to come to my senses again…

With Sirius I never felt not good enough. I should be happy.

a/n: I know there must be people reading this story, I know it's on the favorite/ story alert list of some people... and yet I don't get much feedback. So once again I'm begging for reviews.