Joshua's POV

Another loss, the pain like a knife. Harry.

So much death, so much hurt. It seems barely yesterday Sam rang me in a frenzy; shattered because he had attacked Emily during an uncontrolled phase.

And before that, Julia's death, and before that Sarah's.

And left here - me. Unable to do much of anything to myself, the slightest cut healing in a matter of seconds, while around me my friends and family suffer. It doesn't seem fair, nothing even close to fair.

I find myself hiding in the trees again, watching the coffin of one I called brother, we were so close, be lowered into the ground. I watch Sue, being held up by Charlie Swan, someone I never had a chance to know, someone who became friends with Harry after I was already gone, both of them shaking from the force of their grief.

My tears are the silent type, cascading down my face, my pain a private one. The memories of long hours of fishing and time spent, the thoughts of all the time missed since I left.

Across the way I see my Sam, and what is obviously his pack, as all the boys are enormous. A jolt goes through me as I recognize my other son, Embry. I shake my head sadly; both my sons have to suffer because of me.

A sickly sweet smell invades my senses as I watch my friend's funeral, a scent that distracts me from anything other the wish to kill and rip.

I hold my breath as much as I am able, horrified. I tremble slightly, though I don't understand why, I can only imagine the smell is coming from the body, which sickens me. The idea that the monster in me sees him in that way...

I seek out Old Quil as soon as everyone leaves.

I find him with Sam, both of them lost in what looks to be a very serious discussion.

They jump a foot as I quietly appear beside them.

"Dad!" My heart soars, I do not miss that this is the first time Sam has ever called me that.

"Joshua." Quil seems considerably less surprised. "How are you feeling?"

"Miserable. And very confused. That smell before..."

"You could smell that?" Sam stares at me in surprise. "I thought you had stopped phasing?"

Quil frowns at Sam.

"Now, son, you know our stories. You know even the young ones, descended from the original pack, could smell it well before they were of an age to become a wolf themselves. And us oldies...we can still smell them, even long after we have stopped becoming wolves."

I gaze at them perplexed. I was never a great student. "What exactly can we all smell?

"Vampires of course." Quil directs his frown at me.

"Well, one to be exact." Sam is frowning now too. "We've been hunting her for some time, but she is a tricky one..."

"There's vampires here?" I worry instantly. Sam, Embry, Sarah.

Sam gives me a look that clearly says 'are you nuts?' "Mum was right about one thing, you did hate school and learning, didn't you?"

Quil and I chuckle lightly.

"Yeah." I answer, before becoming serious again. "But what can I do?"

"Nothing."

The flat tone in Sam's voice takes me back.

"What do you mean, I..."

I throw a pleading look at Old Quil, who in turn raises his hands. "He is the Alpha, Josh. It's entirely up to him how he runs the pack."

"But as his father shouldn't I..."

"It doesn't work like that."

I turn back to face Sam. "I can't just go home, leave this all to you. What if things go wrong?"

"It's one vampire. We've already taken another out with not even a graze on any of us. We'll be fine."

"But..." Sam's eye's flare, I can see the command in them. I give up right there, realizing that not only is my son a man, but MY Alpha, if I ever choose to phase again. I certainly do not want my own son telling me what to do.

"I'm not going home."

"Please, Dad." The Dad bit throws me off. "What would happen if Embry found out?"

He's right. That's not the way to let him know.

"Fine. But I want to hear the second it's all over."

You got it." He turns to Quil, and I take a step back, realizing how little my son needs me, in every way. How he has made do without me for all these years, and still is. More pain, always the pain.

* * * * *

I feel like I spend every waiting moment sitting by my phone waiting to hear from Sam. Finally, months later, I do.

"Joshua. We got the vampire. Well, all nineteen."

"Nineteen!"

"Don't worry, old man." He chuckles. "Everyone's fine. I told you we had this."

"How's things with you and Emily?"

"Going well. We're engaged."

"And Leah?"

Complete silence.

"Sam?"

"She's one of us."

"Sorry?"

"She's a wolf. And things with her...well, worse seems a good word."

My heart goes out to him. "Worse, how?"

"She'll never forgive me. She reminds me every day...I don't know how you made it through."

"I'm still trying."

"Well that's promising." He says with more than a trace of bitterness.

There's nothing I can say.