AN: It should bear mentioning in a random kind of way that Helena-Author CANNOT WAIT for the Doctor Who Christmas Special.

Chapter 26

Ex luna, sciencia.

Katelyn studied the logo on the packaging of her latest model ship. Three golden horses travelling over the crest of the moon, their trail from Earth marked behind them. She had taken the time after Helena's departure to dig into humanity's historical archives. She couldn't but marvel at what she found. There were so many aspects of the events of Apollo 13 that resonated with her, enough so that Katelyn wondered whether she was reading too much into Rinn's gift. But there it was: The launch date coinciding with her birthday (that would have been deliberate in Rinn's decision, Katelyn was sure), the mission going wrong, the loss of an oxygen tank, drifting in space…

It was something she didn't dwell on very often, but the poking and prodding of psychologists had brought the topic out into the open like a puss-filled wound: How it felt to die, the cold fear as the impact knocked her away from the Normandy, the realisation that she was going to die, fighting as the gas leaked from her suit, the burn of asphyxiation as her soul cried out how she didn't want to die.

How she begged not to die.

And now? What now?

She drew a deep breath and reminded herself that she got her wish – which was something she actively grappled with as much as the Alliance did. But rejecting her resurrection didn't change her being alive. Her being right there, right now, breathing, thinking, feeling… It hardly allowed her to reject her being alive. Katelyn let her fingers run over the crease of the package. It centred her, pulled her away from the past. Or rather, from her past. It was the year 1970 she focused on. Those in Houston did an amazing job getting their people home and made the seemingly impossible happen – even literally dealing with getting a square filter into a round hole. Then there was the phenomenal navigation to get back home.

Is that where I am now? Trying to navigate my way through space by looking through a window?

Katelyn walked over to the desk closest to the bed and activated the lamp on it. She sat down, carefully opening the package and emptied it. The model was clearly custom made, but she could see that Rinn had gone through great lengths to have the presentation done right. There were two separate crafts, the commander had learnt, that fit together to make a single unit – as it had been when it launched from Earth. The history had been interesting when she studied how the scientists of that time had reasoned out how things would work. Ideally.

Katelyn unfolded the plans, examining it carefully, then froze. A secret compartment had been designed into the lunar module. She double checked the plan to be sure.

How?

The only people who knew of the compartments in her other ships were Merkus at the Citadel, who had modified the previous designs for her, and Miranda… and EDI.

"What kind of devilry are you?" she murmured, her eyes moving from the box to the plans. "I can never decide whether I should hug you or throttle you."

It felt as if the woman had taken far too many strolls through her mind. Was that how she came up with the suggestion that Katelyn bring an asari in for the tests? A pity Sha'ira left the Citadel. It would have been interesting to see what the Alliance made of that.

"Commander," EDI's disembodied voice cut through Katelyn's thoughts.

She took a breath. "Yes, EDI?"

"Officer Lawson is requesting entry."

Katelyn glanced at her clock, noting the evening time. "Right on schedule," she murmured. Then addressing the AI she said, "Let her in, EDI."

Miranda's stride was confident, her posture both respectful and in control. And though never threatening mutiny, Katelyn wasn't always sure who of them was really in charge of the ship. She watched as the woman's eyes flitted to the model ship, a moment's curiosity passing through those blue orbs. She now knows about the Kodiak's compartment. She must be dying to know what else I'm hiding. Not much for mysteries, this one.

"Commander," the XO greeted and approached as Katelyn motioned her to come in and sit in the lounge area.

"I always marvel at how one can set a watch to you," she said, moving towards the drink stand and picked up the thermos that contained some coffee for them.

Miranda gave a brief smile as she descended the stairs, giving the ship one more glance before taking her usual seat. Sometimes, just sometimes Kate wondered whether her XO also suffered from OCD. "One of the Apollo models?"

Katelyn paused in a moment of surprise, then continued pouring coffee into two mugs adding sugar and milk to each individual's taste. "You know them?"

The other woman gave a small smile and a small shrug, "Earth educated," she said by way of explanation. "They take history very seriously there."

"Ah. That's one of the problems of enlisting as a colony grunt," Katelyn said, carrying the two mugs. "I was more focused on shooting things then learning history." She nodded her head at the model ship. "That's a gift from Rinn..." she paused.

Earth born... Is that why Rinn could put such significance into it? We never did trace their language to its possible origins. I know EDI mentioned that it went to other colonies, but maybe it's only Earth we should be digging into.

She noticed Miranda watching her, then gave herself a mental shake and handed over a mug. "I've started reading up on it. It's extraordinary and shocking how little precautions they took – although they were most likely not aware of those measures at the time."

Miranda accepted the coffee with a nod of thanks. "I admire what they did. They were pioneers. What they did there, the risks they took, was the seed for our growth throughout the galaxy." She allowed herself a small smile. "They set the precedent. They are the reason we are here this evening."

And the risks we take? The risks we need to take? Will there be future generations of us or will what we do not be enough? How many boundaries will we have to push?

"Agreed," she said to Miranda as she sat down. Katelyn took a breath, giving her voice a more energetic tone. "So, XO, what can you tell me about today?"

Miranda's posture changed ever so slightly as she unconsciously squared her shoulders. "Well, as I've said, we have two items on the agenda. First, I'd like to give you feedback on my interview with Chakwas's recommended psychiatrist." Katelyn thought she heard the slightest bit of frost as Miranda said recommended. "And secondly, we need to finalise our arrangements for our retrieval mission. We have to set our departure date. The crew is waiting for an announcement."

As soon as possible, Shepard thought bitterly. Hopefully after I said goodbye to Anderson and before I tell Udina I think he has his head permanently up his ass. I've done what Hackett asked. Now it's time to get away from this for a bit.

Katelyn took a sip of coffee, feeling the liquid soothe her. Then she set down her cup and gave Miranda her full attention. "How did the interview go?"

To her surprise, the XO's sharp eyes examined her. "Did Dr Chakwas inform you who she has in mind?"

An accusation?

Katelyn shook her head. "I only know that it is someone she trusts implicitly."

Miranda sat back, the expression on her face the one she usually wore when something left a sour taste in her mouth – like seeing Jack. After some consideration, she handed Kate a datapad, one of two that she had brought with her. The commander chose not to look at it but set it on the table and waited for her XO's response.

"The psychiatrist she suggested was the same one that Huerta assigned to Helena."

Kate blinked. Maybe I should've read it…

"The guy who –" Katelyn cut herself off. She had not seen much of the man who squared off with her XO and walked away unscathed, but she knew that he had left his own particular mark on Miranda somehow. At the time there had been other things Katelyn had been dealing with and she hadn't really paid much attention to the man who had quite calmly denied Miranda the power she usually had over people. Perhaps it was because he himself had a power of his own.

From what Katelyn remembered, he had been surprisingly attractive. His blue eyes had met hers for the merest of seconds before the door to the hospital room had closed. She didn't think he had much trouble getting his patients talking. Not with those looks at least.

"That's... Unexpected," Katelyn managed and considered Miranda. Clearly this interview had been similarly memorable. The woman would hardly have sat as stiff as she was had it been an unremarkable discussion. "So am I to understand that we'll be looking for another candidate?"

Miranda hesitated, then shrugged.

"That was my first thought," the woman's dark eyes flitted to the fish and she studied them as she spoke. "But... I realised that he was simply doing his job back then. His credentials speak for themselves." Miranda met Katelyn's gaze again. "He is... suitably qualified for this position with enough experience not to waste our time and credits. He did a lot of work with the colonists we rescued from the base, so he knows the history. We don't have to go and explain to him what the Collectors are though we might have to convince him of their allegiance to the reapers."

What's one more on the whole list of people that we need to convince?

Katelyn reached for her cup, considering the praise her XO was begrudgingly bestowing on the man. It was interesting that it was always the ones who didn't back down that Miranda respected – even if she didn't necessarily like them. Not that she's like that with all her wilful opponents, the commander thought as her mind slipped back to Jack. The girl had been tugging on Miranda's nerves a bit more than usual in the past couple of days. With Grunt off the ship, the biotic was suddenly without a playmate – something one wouldn't have thought a problem in past, but after the suicide mission Jack had definitely undergone her own, subtle changes. I'm going to have to spend a bit more time with her. See that she's also doing okay.

One more person on the list of Katelyn's non-biological family.

The commander took a sip of her coffee, focusing on the subject at hand.

"I recall at the time, you said that it didn't seem as if he had an ulterior motive for his obstinacy."

She could read Miranda's gaze like a book suddenly, see the phrase that filtered through her XO's subconscious.

We all have ulterior motives.

"Those were difficult days," Miranda said softly, seeming to withdraw into her thoughts. "We were all... running on empty." She sighed. "He won't let us get away with such a stunt again. He made that blatantly clear in the interview."

Not that there weren't repercussions to that 'stunt'. Helena had yet to look as if she didn't want to flee the room every time Katelyn entered it. But the ginger could hardly be blamed. Shepard had chosen the worst possible time to cut deep into the woman's psyche. It was a marvel Helena hadn't broken entirely. She almost did. It would just have taken one more delicious push…

The commander pushed the thought away with a shiver.

"He's tenacious, a positive trait in his profession," Katelyn observed neutrally. "Does it pose a problem for us?"

Katelyn could tell that Miranda thought it did.

"My largest concern is his preconceived opinions of Cerberus," Miranda said with a shrug. "Validated, maybe, depending on how you look at it, but he made it very clear that he would not stand for any kind of action he deems unethical. I am..." the woman gave a strange smile Katelyn didn't quite know how to read. "Worried about containment."

If there's one thing you can't contain, Miranda, it is a person's spirit. But then again, you did manage to stick mine back into the bottle...

"Well," she said after taking a sip of her coffee, deciding to put some humour into the conversation. "We could always shoot him and dump him out the airlock." She gave a considering tilt of her head. "Not that Karin would approve."

Miranda's face was decidedly blank as she said, "That would be the procedure we'd have to follow should we need to silence him, Commander."

So much for humour. Katelyn wondered how many people Miranda had silenced in her life? How many times was she sent to do the task? How many times had the decision been her own? How many times had she had to come to the conclusion that someone needed to die? The engineered woman's mind was a frightening mix of brutality and logical calculation when it needed to be.

Katelyn's mind travelled to Niket and the few moments between Miranda's decision not to kill her former friend and the gunshot that had ended his life. Who had pulled the trigger in the end did make a considerable difference even if the result had been the same.

Why is your mind so all over the place today?

"This appointment is not a Cerberus operation, Miranda. His death is not an option," Katelyn gave a gentle shake of her head. "And if that is a route it can go, then his preconceptions aren't all that inaccurate, are they?

Miranda shrugged, fixing the commander with a level look. "I need to consider all the options. What works in his favour is Dr Chakwas. She can monitor him; plead our cause if need be. And, he will talk to her over any concerns that he has before he takes it further. I'm fairly certain of that."

"He will be reporting to you, XO," Katelyn replied after a moment. "It is your call. If you are already planning contingencies resulting in his demise, however, we might need to look at other options."

Miranda chuckled. "I have contingency plans involving everybody's demise, Commander. I like to know what I am in for. I gave him a very detailed contract to look at. I will make my final decision based on his and the objections he voices."

"But he is your choice, all things considered?"

Miranda paused only for a second, almost giving the matter a last-second assessment. Then she nodded. "He seems genuine. And he hates Cerberus, so..." she shrugged. "That's what we wanted. A third party."

How funny that his hatred is a plus.

Katelyn studied her XO, thinking how difficult it must be for Miranda to consider that fact so neutrally. She was a loyalist. She believed in the Illusive Man, and his presence and her obedience to him were always in attendance whenever she and Katelyn disagreed on mission parameters. And here she was, looking beyond the foundation she stood on, and finding good in someone who reviled that very organisation she had devoted her life to.

"What is your personal opinion of him?"

Miranda paused, finished her coffee, and set the cup down seeming to buy time. "I think he is intelligent. Dedicated to his patients. He is a professional."

Neutrality can disguise many things.

Katelyn played with the rim of her mug. "I have to say," she began gently. "Premeditated murder aside, selecting him despite your past history is... very big of you, Miranda."

She watched as the dark-haired woman's mouth twitched into an almost smile.

"I figured dismissing him outright and slapping his pretty, little face would be unprofessional."

Pretty, huh?

"Oh I don't know," Katelyn replied with a grin. "I might have dismissed him the moment I recognised him." She met the woman's eyes, letting her amusement disguise the depth of the compliment. "I admire your ability to look beyond that."

Miranda smiled at that. "And here I thought I was doing what you would have done, Commander."

Katelyn gave a small shake of her head with a smile, letting the moment settle on them before she took a breath and shifted her position. "So what awaits us at our destination?"

Looking at Katelyn Shepard, Miranda suddenly tried to remember if she had ever devoted as much time to anybody as she had to this woman. Not just in the years constructing her, but the months afterwards. She had had her fair share of undercover operations, of infiltrating establishments to steal data or scientists. But, she had never had… an operation quite like this. One of the things that Miranda had realised as she reflected about her appointment of Dr Murdoch was that she was letting the man into her home. And, the home of people like Katelyn Shepard and Karin Chakwas. Unlike her, they didn't have apartments or beach houses to which they could retreat if the ship became too much for them. Everything that they had was wrapped up in the Normandy and its mission.

Is it enough? Miranda found herself wondering as she studied the woman. Or is throwing her this bone labelled Mindoir enough?

The Illusive Man seemed to think so, but Miranda found that she didn't necessarily agree with him over everything anymore.

And when did that happen?

Kate was still looking at her with anticipation, her gaze a paradoxical combination of eagerness and reservation. Mindoir was her Achilles Heel.

And Rinn.

Sighing, Miranda pushed the other datapad that she had brought with her to the commander. This one the woman picked up immediately and scanned.

"Rosh is an asteroid in the Urla Rast system," Miranda recited. "It's an ideal place for those who want to disappear out of view. The current owner of the… of Benjamin is a human by the name of Eckhard Everett."

Katelyn's brow raised slightly as she considered the name.

"A human?" she queried and Miranda could tell that she didn't like the idea of one of their own species utilising a practice that had cost them so much. In the beginning stages of colonization, humans had been completely unprepared for the regularity with which slavery was still practiced in the galaxy.

And the ferocity of the slavers.

The Council might've been trying to condone it, but, in the opinion of some, they weren't trying hard enough.

"He started off as a business man from Bekenstein," Miranda continued. "Rosh is rich with platinum and Everett must have seen the opening. His operation is still small, but from what I have been able to gather, it's just about ready to take flight."

Katelyn's eyes were hard as she considered this. "Which would explain why he is increasing manpower." She added. "What do we know about him?"

Miranda shook her head slightly and answered with regret. "Not much," she pointed out. "Born into money, toyed around with different mining operations before setting his eye on this one. He is shrewd and cautious. He has deliberately been keeping himself under the radar."

Those hard eyes, like jade emeralds, touched Miranda's.

"Due to his use of slaves?"

"At least in part."

They considered each other over these words. For a moment, Miranda wondered whether Katelyn would ask her what her opinion was on slavery, but the commander let it go.

"How long has Benjamin been with him?" She queried, her voice monotonous. Do you imagine yourself in his shoes?

Miranda glanced at her file. "About three months," she pointed out and felt the sting of Katelyn's accusation immediately.

"Three?" Her tone went up a notch. "And I suppose the Illusive Man has been keeping this information in his pocket the entire time." Her accusation was clear. And how long have you known?

For just a moment, Miranda became aware of the imaginary line that had been drawn between her and Katelyn over the past few days. They could play together if they needed to, but something had shifted between them. She didn't think that Katelyn saw them as a unit anymore and she wasn't quite sure why.

"I don't know, Commander," Miranda said coldly. "He didn't discuss it with me. And, it was hardly the time to distract you. We had the Collectors to deal with." She wanted to add that they had been responsible for harvesting more humans than the slavers had, but realised in time that it might not be a good call judging by the chill in Katelyn's eyes.

Miranda realised that it was that chill which had been worrying her in the past few weeks. She liked to think that it started the day Katelyn decided to corner Helena on her hospital bed, but her instinct was telling her that it had been present for longer.

"And now is the ideal time?" Katelyn queried haughtily, making Miranda sit up slightly.

"Yes," she said simply. "Our ship is finally completely functional; our crew is at least passable. There wasn't time to do this beforehand and I believe a simple mission such as this would do the team well. It will give them the space to do their duties, get accustomed to the new crew they have to work with without feeling as if we are immediately throwing them back into danger."

Some of the crew had not come back, too traumatised by the Collectors to even consider setting their foot back on the Normandy. The Illusive Man had wasted no time in replacing them with new candidates. Miranda had been very surprised that the nurse Anita had not left despite her previous desire to do so..

Katelyn was quiet for a long time. "Alright," she said finally. "So, how is the best way of going at this? You've probably considered it already." Miranda couldn't tell what was behind her tone, only that she didn't like it. She gave the commander a hard look, showing her that she had not missed it.

"It depends on what you're going to aim for, Shepard," she pointed out. "The simplest way would just be to pay him off. But then you have to let him and his operation go. He is outside of Alliance jurisdiction and the Council won't bat an eye at his activities in the Terminus system. I don't know how you've handled this before, but remember, the last time you pulled such an extraction you weren't in the spotlight."

Katelyn's eyes were still hard. "I'm interested in getting Benjamin out," she said. "That's first and only priority." Her mouth thinned. "After that we will take him back to Mindoir, they have a rehabilitation program running. I've already contacted them and informed them we're bringing home another…" She hesitated at the term. "Survivor."

What made Miranda hesitate was the conviction which Kate showed in that they would succeed with their goal. "Then I'll set up a meeting with Everett," she said. "I don't think we'll struggle, given your… renown."

Katelyn met her gaze. "Are you booking it under Spectre, Alliance or Cerberus?" The question was very loaded, but Miranda decided to down play it by smiling as she pushed herself to her feet, tired of the shadow boxing match that this meeting had turned into.

"Whatever is the most appealing to him," she pointed out and watched as Katelyn slowly rose to her feet as well. "Can I schedule our departure for tomorrow morning? We can use this trip to put the Normandy through her paces."

Katelyn's smile gave Miranda the impression that she was tired as well and relieved to be seeing her back.

"Inform Joker," she answered. "I'm sure he'll be thrilled."

Doctor Robert Murdoch let Karin Chakwas into the apartment as if she were a queen. He made enough of a spectacle that she aimed amused smile and a playful smack at him, which is truly all reward he desired. In his opinion, she had ceased to smile as much as she should've. He took her coat and led her to the dining nook where he had already set down dishes. She had told him that her time was little, but that she would require some sustenance.

He tried to make the small space look at least somewhat tasteful, but, if he had to be honest with himself, Robert mostly reserved that kind of flair for the world beyond his apartment door. He rarely entertained guests inside, believing his home to be the one sanctuary where he could let his hair down and walk around in his shorts and socks. His own inner necessities did not require anything other than that.

Which made him think that he would not mind the lack of novelties on a ship such as the Normandy.

And it was something Karin knew about him, so she did not even blink as she allowed him to escort her, her smile as dazzling as it would have been had he taken her to a posh restaurant.

"Are you sure you want a home-cooked meal?" Robert still checked to be sure. "I have many talents, but you know that cooking isn't one of them."

Besides, there's nothing as tasty as leftovers… well, most of the time.

"We have a gourmet chef-in-training on the Normandy with illusions of grandeur. The things he sometimes comes up with," Karin shook her head. "Trust me, Robbie. Macaroni and cheese is just fine."

"Glad to hear it," he smiled at her as they reached the table. "Because it's a staple around here."

"Better than Calamari Gumbo in my books." She handed him the paper bag she had been carrying and sat down. "I come bearing gifts."

He took it from her and peered inside.

"Now what would this be, I wonder?"

"The one will help you deal with the other," Chakwas winked at him.

He retrieved from the bag a datapad and bottle of white wine. He took a moment to read the label. Orion Sevant. My, my, my. What are we celebrating?

Then he glanced at the datapad.

"Officer Lawson has decided to allow you the opportunity to join the Normandy, if you so wish." There was no mistaking the small note of pleasure in his friend's voice.

Robert raised an eyebrow. "Well now, that does deserve celebration." He smiled at her and set the datapad down on the counter. The wine he quickly popped into the freezer. It wouldn't need too long to chill. That done, he opened his overhead cupboards and paused.

Being the typical bachelor, Robert didn't have anything remotely looking like wine glasses.

"Um," he said, knowing that Chakwas seeing the contents from her seat as well as he was. "I don't bring wine home often enough…"

"Then there's hope for you yet."

He eyed his selection of mugs and grinned impishly. He pulled two mugs out, and sat them on the table: For him, a plain brown mug; for Karin, a garish Blasto mug a patient had presented as a gift.

She looked at it, closed her eyes and shook her head.

"I take that back," she said.

He laughed and checked on the food. It smelt soothing. He didn't burn it, that was always good. Everything seemed right. Better take it out before Murphy comes to visit. Karin sat, content to watch him as he bustled about. When they made eye contact, Robert noted a hesitance in them. Worry? He gave her a smile and she smiled back.

"Will you accept it?" she asked finally. "If the terms are agreeable?"

Will I?

Oddly, there wasn't much of a hesitation regarding it in his mind. Which was both interesting and… troubling. This was Cerberus, after all. What he did not tell Chakwas, and what he would never dare tell Dr Miranda Lawson, was the praise the colonists of New Canton had poured onto the actions of the Normandy crew. It wasn't that he was against giving praise where it was due, but he didn't want to show how much that also affected his decision. He didn't want the actions of the Normandy to be the argument justifying Cerberus's deeds. He didn't want to give anyone the opportunity to even attempt it.

But the Normandy had become a beacon of something more. Something beyond politics, beyond human superiority. The fact that they had aliens on board already spoke volumes of how the ship and crew differed from the flag they flew under.

The main hiccup was, could he distinguish the two clearly without feeling that he was trying to fool himself?

But then there was Chakwas as well. Karin Chakwas, whom he trusted implicitly despite the weakness she had wherever Commander Katelyn Sheppard was involved.

Karin is my weakness, he reminded himself. How far would you go for her, Robbie?

Robert dished up the food, bringing the plates to the table and set them down silently. Then he took up the bottle of wine, opened it and poured for each of them.

"If the terms are acceptable, then yes," he replied after the pause. "Though I'd like to know two things which you no doubt know the answers to."

Karin's eyes were kind as she nodded to him and he caught a glimpse of some of the reasoning behind her arrival. "That's why I'm here, love."

He smiled at her and loved her for her care.

"Well, the first question," he took his seat. "Is what exactly you said to Dr Lawson to make her decide offer me the position?" He shrugged. "Despite all the bravado, I am still surprised that the interview wasn't the last meeting I am to have with her."

Karin gave him a smile. "Not a single word," she replied. "She knows that in this matter, I am not impartial. So she didn't consult me. Miranda disregards… personal feelings."

I wonder how often she's had to really deal with them.

"Which means," she lifted her cup to him. "You must have said something to impress her."

Robert grinned and clinked his mug against hers. "To me keeping it up."

"Oh Robbie, all you need to do is to be yourself," she said taking a sip.

"Utterly incorrigible?"

He chuckled when she gave him a chiding look, dulled by the glint of amusement in her eyes. She didn't deign to answer his question. Instead she set her cup down and took a tentative bite. Chakwas, as darling as she was, knew to be careful. But she gave a satisfied smile that Robert knew well enough was sincere.

He had seen her fake enjoying his food far too many times – which usually led to him pulling faces at his own plate and suggesting they get takeout instead. Karin never declined.

"Perfect," she complimented and he gave her a small nod in thanks. "So," Karin studied him. "What was the other question?"

He took a bit of his own food, both to sate his curiosity over the meal's quality as well as a delay tactic. This question would most likely change the mood that has rested over them and a part of Robert didn't want to do that. He knew that Chakwas didn't have nearly enough of such moments.

Then he dabbed his mouth with his napkin, wove his fingers together and slipped them under his chin. "What in the fine print should I be aware of? You've gone through this process before. What were the things that made you hesitate?"

The mood did change and Robert noted the cautious edge that flitted through Karin's gaze. "Well," she said, setting down her own utensils. "You've treated soldiers before, but you're not one yourself. You've never seen… what it can be like out there. The Normandy will always be on the front lines. I am worried that you'll get hurt."

Robert nodded silently as she spoke. That would certainly be a risk, but she hadn't answered his question yet.

"And I don't trust…" she hesitated. "I am worried that…"

Karin struggled and Robert reached over to slip his hand into hers. It made her look at him and in those azure eyes, he saw true worry. Perhaps even fear. He also saw how the past couple of years had really aged the doctor. There were lines of worry, wrinkles of pain yet to be faced. Something has broken you, my dear friend. What could have cracked such an unyielding spirit?

She closed her hand over his and he wondered at how much strength she seemed to pull from the contact. It too showed her age. Her inner reserve of strength seemed to be depleted.

"I'm worried, Robbie," she said finally. "That I'm signing you up for something that might spiral out of control. That you see something that they don't want you to see. That you'll react in the only way you can and that they will… kill you for it."

The prospect gripped his own heart quite firmly. This was not an idle venture to go into. The name Cerberus instinctively made his mouth twitch into a snarl whenever he heard it. And here he was, considering actually working with them? God, Robert, what the hell are you thinking?

I'm thinking that Karin wouldn't sign up for something that is the usual string of Cerberus machinations. She would rather die, like I would, than be part of it. And I can't let her go at it alone.

But I can't naively wander into this either, hoping that if Chakwas believes, then all would be well.

He considered Helena, the woman who was denied the help she needed because of Cerberus. What had happened to her? What really happened to her? He had so many questions…

"What is the likelihood of that happening?" he asked her softly.

"With Kate? Not a lot," Karin admitted. And with Dr Lawson? "But I don't know where we are going with her."

Where you are going with her? What would make you worry? Has the good Commander revealed herself not to be whom you thought?

"I'm assuming that you run the same risk," he countered. But then again, you're part of the family. He gave her a wry smile. "But then again, I'm expendable. Your loyalty to the Commander will hold you no matter what."

And to Robert's surprise, Karin chuckled. "Maybe," she said and raised a finger barely crooked with age. "But they'd have to come through me first. I just wanted to make sure you know what you're signing us both up for, young man."

He smiled and pulled his hand away. They resumed their meal in peaceable silence for a time as Robert absorbed and reflected on this. Would his being there get them both killed? Karin knew there were things he could not let slide, but then, she had never been one to allow it either. Was it his hostility?

Of course. And he couldn't change that. The atrocities keep piling on. News upon news, upon news, especially since Commander Katelyn Sheppard had been among them. Somehow now, that load had increased. Another way to discredit her or proof that she had gone absolutely mad?

If that was the case and Karin knew his own stance on it, why did she still approach him? Her concern was real and yet…

"Would you really be willing to risk it?" he asked her. "Are you really willing to risk yourself for me?"

She nodded without hesitation.

"Yes. Without thinking twice," Karin gave a shrug then. "I don't think it will ever come to that, but… working with Cerberus makes you paranoid."

"Understandable given the organisation," he replied to which she nodded.

"I also… I guess what I want you to understand is that there will be only so much I can disclose to you. Sometimes I won't be able to give you an answer. And you might not like it."

Of course I won't. That's a given.

"As long as I can listen to what you are allowed to say," he replied, adding gently. "You like bottling up, Karin."

She gave a dismissive wave. "Champagne does well once released. Don't take this for me, Robert."

He took another bite of his food and stared down at his plate. He'd have been lying if that wasn't part of the core. And then there was Helena… Maybe from the inside… Maybe he could do some good. Have the people heal in ways Cerberus would not have allowed them otherwise. Clearly that's part of why they were looking for someone like him. Someone on the outside… Someone still with a lick of sense. Robert wanted to snort at that. Considering working for Cerberus showed he didn't have that at all.

"I have a lot of reservations, Karin," he said finally, looking up at her. "I need to be honest about it. I'm struggling to look past the Cerberus logo. I can't imagine ever stepping over the line of working for them," he raised his hand, halting her response. "I know. I know that this is me working for Commander Katelyn Shepard. I know that for some reason the Normandy is not reaching out for psychiatric resources from its masters. I know…"

Then he sighed. "I have a lot of thinking to do, but I will most assuredly read the contract and I'm not rejecting it out of hand. Yes, you are a very big reason why I am considering this. And I really do need the change. I need to get away from here, from this rut. I need to live a different life for a while." I am just aware that working with Cerberus makes them stronger and I don't want that. And it cuts my life expectancy down considerably… and yours.

"I'll admit that I'd dance with this devil, if only for you, but if I take this position, you'll be only partially to blame," he took his cup and toasted at her. Then a thought crossed his mind which made him smile.

"What is it?" Chakwas asked, picking up on it immediately.

"Just… You've always been subtly telling me that I should find myself a wife," he answered, grinning at her. "If my love for you is meant to remain unrequited, maybe I'll meet someone on board the ship."

He gave her wink and Karin burst out laughing.

"Oh Robbie, the women on that ship," she paused as she considered. "Might suit you just fine."

Oh? Now what has your wicked mind conjured up?

"Why do I sense a lot of mischief in that agreement, Dr Chakwas?" he asked.

"Just an observation, my love," she said, returning the toast. "Just an observation."