Chapter 26

Jacob

Easter Sunday would never be the same for me, even though the real dates might change. Along with its original purpose, it would always remind me of the day Old Ben left me. He died from long-term diabetic complications. If he could have just hung around four more months, he would have attended the Olympics with me. I had already taken the Elite Boxing Championship in my weight class, one of the qualifying steps to making the USA team. It made me favored to have that spot in August, summer Olympics. And I attended Olympic Training Camps for preparation. It wouldn't be the same without him now. Nothing would. He'd become my rock, one of my main purposes to succeed.

They held his funeral three days after Easter Sunday.

I sat in the first-row setup for active pallbearers selected by his family to serve at the funeral. Seth, Jasper, and Brady were selected with me, along with some of his nephews and grandchildren. Ten of us all together. It's no surprise the best fighters he coached were also the closest fighters with the strongest personal connections to him. It was an honor, and Seth came home from his last year in school, taking a few days off, to take part. We held the funeral services in the Tribal Community Center where practices and boxing events took place. Ben practically lived in this building. Being well respected and highly known around the La Push and Forks Communities, the center was the only tribal facility big enough for his funeral. Coaches and fighters, young and old, from other teams around the state and from Canada came to pay their respects to his family. People loved him.

When the Quileute tribal singers gathered around the drum to sing his farewell honor song, the pallbearers lined up beside his casket while the rest of the people in attendance lined up for the final viewing before the casket's closing. I didn't know if all funerals played out in the same manor or if we held our Quileute funerals in a unique tribal tradition. I never thought about it before, but because there was so many non-natives in attendance, it made me wonder. The format I'd always been familiar with was for people to approach the active pallbearers, shake their hands, or hug them, possibly shed tears with them, then move to the casket. From there, they stopped by the immediate family members, sitting in the first few rows, on the opposite side from the rows designated for the pallbearers, and did the same.

That's when I spotted her with Emmett, Charlie, and Renee, getting in line for the viewing. I guess from my grief and the size of the attendees; I didn't see her before, and I didn't expect to see her. I knew Emmett flew back to attend, but she didn't know Ben well enough to fly back from Chicago. "What's she doing here?" I muttered under my breath, not intending to think out loud or speak audibly.

Seth heard me. He leaned over and whispered into my ear, "She came for a visit over the long Easter weekend, and stayed because of this." He would know. They stayed close.

Not me. Emmett called me every couple of weeks, just to stay caught up with me. I welcomed his phone calls, but I didn't pretend a rift didn't exist between us since we argued about Bella, ten months ago. A rift existed between me and the entire Swan Clan now. I couldn't be part of their family anymore. Since she lived with that guy, he was their family now. I kept my eyes away from her. It felt difficult enough to deal with my grief without seeing her at the same time. It could have been worse; she could have brought him to the funeral with her. I stood, shaking hands and hugging people, going through the motions until the Swans moved up in the line to me. Charlie shook my hand and told me to keep my head up. Renee hugged me, whispering, "We love you, Jacob."

All I could do was nod at her. My throat closed with a lump. I hadn't seen or talked to them in a way that mattered for so long. Before, when I was away at school or California, I didn't talk to them either, but this time the reason was different, so it made me sad, because I loved them, too.

I saw Bella hug Jasper then Seth out of the corner of my eye, while Emmett hugged me. "It'll be tough to get through, but it will be okay. Stay strong, buddy," he said in a choked-up voice.

I fought my tears. Everyone knew of me and Ben's closeness. "Will do."

With their family walk-through, I barely hung in there without having a complete crying breakdown. I missed them all. When Bella reached me, I didn't want to drop my eyes to her, afraid this would be when I lost it, but I did. She had red eyes and a tear-stained face. An awkwardness claimed the moment, because I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what she wanted me to do. I extended my arm out, so she could shake my hand. She glanced down but ignored it, reaching her arms up to hug me. I bent and hugged her. She kissed me on the cheek, and said, "I'm sorry for your loss, Jacob. I know how much you loved him."

"Thank you." I felt satisfied I managed that much in a near steady voice.

After we performed our duties at the cemetery following the inside funeral, I wanted to leave. I felt hot and uncomfortable in the suit and emotionally beat. Everyone planned to follow the usual traditions, which was to meet back up at the Community Center and have a feed. A feed was where everyone came back to eat together while the family gave gifts away to people who volunteered to help with the funeral, to people close to Ben, and to people who traveled a distance to attend. The gift portion was called a give-away. After that, they would hold a tribal healing ceremony on behalf of Ben since he had been sick before he left us. Our funerals could be long that way.

Seth approached as I started up my truck. "Are you going back to the Center?"

"No, I need to get some sleep." After the wake the night before, Seth and I stayed up all night at the Center with Old Ben and some of his family members. We didn't want to leave him alone in there, this being another tribal tradition.

"Yeah, me, too," he said, "but in a few hours at seven this evening, Jasper and Emmett are going to come over to the house. We want to watch Classic Boxing in Ben's honor. I found the Leon Spinks and Muhammad Ali fights and recorded them awhile back. Will you come?"

"Umm." I weighed the idea. Though I felt wasted and reluctant to share company in my sorrow, it might be good to spend time with Emmett and Jasper again before we all split back up. Jasper was alone in Forks now most of the year. Emmett was in Colorado. I lived in Seattle and Seth was in Oregon. I thought maybe I should work on repairing the rift. It had been too long already. Then I'd start visiting Charlie and Renee again. Bella didn't live there, so what did I need to worry about. "Yeah, that sounds like a good thing to do. I'll meet you guys later."

I got back to the house and out of the suit, but sleep eluded me. I tossed and turned, restless, so I climbed out of bed and paced around the house. Then I tried it again.

I thought about Bella as I lay there, staring up at the ceiling. She looked good, all grown up and as beautiful as I would have imagined. I felt glad she found happiness. I could give her that after what I put her through. I left her so broken; I sent her running into Seth's arms. I didn't come to that conclusion lightly, but I eventually came to terms with the reality of everything I did wrong, and how bad I screwed shit up. I must have been delusional to think I could hurt her so bad, and in such a cold way over the phone, then stay away from her for a year and still think I could get her back without having done more to show her how sorry I felt as soon as I fucked it up.

Days after me and Emmett's argument, Seth told me about them hooking up over the Christmas break after we broke up.

After he got it out, he said, "I just wanted to set us straight and tell you it happened, so nobody will ever be able to use it against you or me in an argument." I knew then some shit Emmett said in the heat of the moment bothered him.

He played it smart by waiting until I made it back to Seattle, though, and telling me over the phone. He caught me in a bad way after that Swan get together. I went ballistic and said some, made some awful threats, and I told him to stay the fuck away from me if he knew best for himself. Had he been standing in front of me I didn't know what I would have done. But I knew that if I put my hands on him, no matter the reason, my relationships with him and my entire Clearwater family would have been destroyed.

He turned into a wicked, tough boxer after his knockout-I grinned, happy about that-I'm sure he would have fought back, but the worst damage would have been done between us. I'm not sure we could have fixed it from there.

We didn't talk for two months then I called him to bury the hatchet once I calmed down and thought it out painstakingly. It had already been a long time over and passed, by the time he told me. He wasn't with Bella, anyway, so why would I hold a grudge against him? I awarded him major points for breaking it off when he realized I still cared about her. I felt at fault he didn't know, because he kept pestering me at school, and in an effort not let him know what a true fucking idiot I was; I told him it didn't work out, because the feelings weren't there between us for me to make it work out. I made one stupid, damaging error after another.

I tried to use it to hate Bella for a while, but that was short-lived. Being honest with my mistakes, I accepted I caused it. All my wrong decisions terrorized me with agony, but I deserved the pain.

Lying in bed, I admitted to myself, seeing her today set me back.

I needed something to take the edge off. I swung my legs from the bed and jumped up. Ransacking the house, I searched in all the old spots where I used to hide Billy's whiskey. I never poured them all down the drain, because if his hangovers got too rough after a few days on a drunken bender, when it seemed like he went into detox-sickness mode, he might need some to keep him out of the hospital. Then I'd feed him shots to help him taper off for a day or two. Hitting the last hiding spot in a loose floorboard inside his closet, I lucked out and found an unopened pint of crown royal whiskey and gulped down a few blasts, hoping it would help relax me enough to get me sleep.

I wasn't such a wuss I didn't work on moving on. I tried out two relationships in the past year. Nothing worked out. Nobody could understand my priorities, and they didn't enjoy playing second to my goals. Or, maybe, I just didn't have a heart anymore to give to anyone, yet.

I gave up my world with Bella for this dream, so I would make sure-no matter who came into the picture-I would see my plans through to the end or the choices I made would be for nothing. As it was, the choices I made fucked me over big time. I rubbed my face with tense hands. I would have done everything different if I could, but I held hope that once I accomplished the Olympics, I'd be fine and be ready to move forward in that part of my life.

Sucking down a couple more blasts, I burned my throat and stomach, gagging. Ugh, that crap tasted sickening. I still didn't see the attraction, but if it unwound me than it would be all good.

I recalled talking about Bella to Ben one night after I defended my National Championship when I couldn't get her back after the first win. "Believe this, son. Just like the saying goes. Time heals all wounds, no matter what it feels like now. This is true. Me and Tia saw some of my kids through some devastating endings. Just give it time and don't force anything. You'll get there, and that's a promise!"

Tears filled my eyes again. Man, I would miss him. Over the months, my determination to take him to the Olympics with me gained traction. I felt like it was meant for him to be part of it since he never realized his own dreams. I came to believe we were soulmates in the fact; he traveled the opposite path then me, making the opposite choice. I swigged another couple of chugs, nearing the end of the bottle then laid back down, wishing the feeling would kick in soon as I closed my eyes to rest. I didn't know what to do without him now. I wiped the new tears from my face. A dreadful aching pain hurt my heart he died.

About a half hour later, I blew out a huge breath still awake, but feeling it kicking in. It didn't make me sleep, it just made me aggravated with my thoughts. Opening my eyes, I glared at all the trophies lining my room. Looking them over, they gave me an empty feeling. I hopped back out of bed, noticing the buzz.

You'd think I was a winner with the number of trophies, I earned. I wasn't. I lost, threw away, the most important person in my life for that Trophy, the very first National award. Angry and regretful moisture pricked the corners of my eyes. I lifted the weighty image of two golden boxers fighting, asking myself, why did I have to choose? Why did Ben have to choose? This world was an ironic, cruel place to live.

The next second, wrath consumed me to the point of no return. I snapped the worthless piece of plastic, wood, and cheap metal in half, following up by busting more and more trophies. Then I couldn't take the rage coursing through me. I grabbed hold a dresser filled with them and hurled it over, smashing it toward the opposite corner of the room.

Something sprawled across the floor landing near my feet.

A small strand of gemstones and beads, lay out, shining in the sun-setting light, penetrating the open curtained window. Plucking it from the floor, I recognized it. I remembered deciding on the unique string of homemade jewelry, buying it from some street vendors near the school, my first year in Chemawa.

I meant it as a Christmas present for Bella. She always wore an anklet in the summer, and she wore one on the day we went to the movies, the first time I held her hand. I thought I lost it, but Embry returned it to me on the bus ride back to school, so I never could give it to her. When I came home for the break, I forgot about it as it became misplaced in my room, because it took me forever to get with her that summer. Now it stared at me, way too late to do anything with it. Seeing it and seeing her again, caused a feeling of suffocation inside of my body.

I needed to get going, get the hell away from La Push and Forks and back to Seattle.

I stuffed my things into my duffel bag and hurried to my truck. A bothersome inkling infiltrated my brain. After a few moments, I blazed it back into the house, snatched an empty envelope from the top of the fridge, found some paper, wrote Bella a short note, and stuffed the anklet inside the envelope with it, writing her name on the outside. Then headed to Forks. When I reached her house, I pulled up alongside their mailbox and shoved the envelope into the black metal box. I swung by Seth's for a quick minute just to tell him goodbye.

"What's the rush?" he asked, concerned. "You better just stay and rest. It'll take you four and a half hours driving normal to get back to Seattle. With the spring fog warning for tonight, it might take you twice as long."

I thought about it but feeling antsy, getting away seemed urgent. "Nah, I'll be fine. When you got to go, you got to go."

"You don't look good, Jake…" Worry rose across his face… "and, is that alcohol, I smell?" He raised his eyebrow.

I chuckled, making light of his perceptiveness and tried to appear as I told him. "I'm okay, little brother. I just took a couple shots to ease the pain I've been feeling these few days. I'll call you as soon I make it back." I smiled at him.

His eyes showed leeriness, but he said, "Okay, but before you go, I need to tell you this crazy and unbelievable story that happened to me. I've been meaning to tell you about it, but I kept forgetting."

"All right."

"Let me run to the restroom, first. It's kind of a long story." I rolled my eyes on edge. He laughed and added, "It's long, but not that long. Just wait for me. I'll be right back."

I nodded, plunking down on the couch. Agitated, one of my legs shook with impatience. The bathroom door closed. I couldn't do it. I had to get gone. The world felt as if it was closing in on me. When I spun out of the driveway, he came sprinting out the door, waving frantic arms. I waved at him and kept going with a purpose. I would be all right once I hit the highway.

The heavy fog surfaced about two hours into the drive. A calm, surrealistic quality settled within me as I became dazed by the fog.

I knew a guy once who blew out his knee during his senior year of high school. He had been on the fast track to receiving a full-ride basketball scholarship to almost any university of his choosing. After that, he went downhill, thinking his life was over. Talking about how he didn't want to try anymore, live anymore. I couldn't comprehend his despair. I couldn't comprehend his fear of the future. Driving through the dense fog, feeling cold and alone, I found a deeper understanding of the way he felt. Was it so bad to want another chance? A fresh start? An out, because Hell knew, I could use a do over. I pressed down on the gas pedal, traveling faster than I should for the visibility, eager to get home.

I lost track of time and location, as I lost myself in my thoughts. Red reflectors glared ominously through the white mist. There was a bridge around somewhere, so I thought those specific lights glowed from it. The semi-truck's red taillights didn't pop out to my recognition, until I sped right up its rear. I slammed the breaks with all my power and swerved. Screeching brakes and crushing metal tore through my eardrums as everything turned white.

A/N Thank you to those who left comments. If you've been reading this story and have been reluctant to comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts.