Renesmee's Point Of View

Chapter Twenty-Five: I Won't

A kiss. I don't know why I felt so sad. I had kissed plenty of times before so why was I crying so much because of a kiss between Jake and some other girl. Is it because… it's different when you like a person? If that were the case I'd rather not feel love at all. I left without a word, not even a sound, total silence except the noise of my heart being shattered and the screams of my heart's pain as I relived this painful memory of him.

He does not love me. I don't understand. I guess this soul mate thing isn't really that powerful if he moved on just like that. I wonder if he felt the way I feel now? When I was dating Daniel and Trent, was this how he felt? I am sorry. To have you heart torn, broken, in pieces. I now understand what love is. I also understand what true pain is.

Why didn't I know I loved him when he was still mine?

Now Jake found someone else. It hurt a lot. I guess he had really gotten over me in the past two years. I should've known that he didn't care for me anymore when he ignored my calls, my texts and my emails

But if it was meant to be – love always finds a way.

I called my mum.

"Hello?" my mum said, "Is that you Renesmee?"

"He doesn't love me anymore." I managed to say without crying.

"Renesmee, are you sure you didn't misunderstand? I'm sure you just caught him at a bad moment or something." She said sounding sure.

"Mum. He loves some other girl –." I said.

" – Are you sure?" she asked again.

"He kissed her." I yelled.

"I'm sorry Renesmee. That just doesn't seem like the Jake I know. He doesn't give up easily." My mum told softly.

Doesn't give up easily, right, as if. He always runs from me. When has he ever tried to fight for me?

"Yeah sure mum. I'm coming back to Hanover okay? I'll be back soon." I told her.

I knew that today Jake was leaving New York for Los Angeles so we would probably be there at the airport together. Who would be there but Jake? I walked up to him with my suitcase and luggage bag.

"Jake!" I yelled.

He didn't reply of even turn around. I went up to him and slapped my hand on his shoulders.

"I'm leaving." I told him as harshly as I could.

"Okay." he told me quietly.

"That's all you have to say?" I asked him hurt.

"What do you want me to say?" he said coldly, "Please don't leave? Don't go? I'm not going to beg you to stay Renesmee."

"Okay." I repeated.

"I never wanted you to be hurt. But move on Renesmee, cause I have." he told me running off. That tone. I missed that sweet tone of voice. The tone he spoke with before I confessed.

He left me there. I got on the plane and I watched from my window, as there was no one there to stop me. Jake wasn't there.

I went home. I cried for months and months. I refused to eat. I refused to have a social life. I stayed in my home sobbing over Jake and every time I saw him on the Internet or TV or heard his voice on the radio I started crying. My family was so worried when I started hurting myself. I would tear up my bedroom part from part until the shards from my mirror cut me or the spikes from the broken wooden framework had scratched me. My dad would beg Carlisle to end my pain by putting my to sleep. They hospitalized me on depression meds and other anesthetics. But I wanted to feel pain.

But after six months, I tried to cry, to feel hurt. But I didn't have any compassion left in me to cry anymore. Suddenly I didn't feel upset anymore. All my pain turned into anger and tears could not fall from my eyes anymore. I felt angry towards Jacob. He was no longer my best friend or my soul mate. I don't know what happened to my feelings toward him but they disappeared. I decided to move on. Those times he broke my heart had finally started to sink in.

I started going out with my friends more. I started noticing more boys in my college classes. I began my life properly this time without Jacob Black. I thought I loved him. I thought he loved me. But I was clearly mistaken.

The only thing left of him was this charm bracelet. I had worn it since he said goodbye for the final time. But not anymore, I didn't need him now or ever. He was not there for me and I don't need anything that reminds me of him. How should I get rid of this? Bury it? No. Throw it away? Not good enough. Instead I did the same thing things to the charm bracelet as he did my heart. I took it, stepped on it, broke it and left it in pieces. His note was the only thing that didn't break. I uncoiled this letter that was full of crap and read it one final time. He promised me forever. He promised me he wouldn't let me cry a tear of sadness.

I was a changed person. Not weak, not selfish. But strong, independent, mature and maybe this experience had made me a cold person. I'd rather be cold and indifferent than be the weak person I was before always getting hurt. All he proved to me were all guys were the same – all jerks. Daniel, Trent and now Jacob – all with a bit of jerk inside them. But that was good – these obstacles taught me to be strong and minimized my weaknesses.

If years pass and you wonder why we don't talk anymore. Just remember the day you pushed me away.

This is my new outlook on life.

I won't shed a tear for any jerk anymore. They are not worth my tears. I won't be hurt like this again. This pain is too painful to bear. I won't ever let it slide if he hurts me again. I need my revenge. I won't ever forgive an unfaithful person. They are not worth my time. I won't ever forgive or forget the pain he has caused me. Why should I forgive? Why should I forget the past? I won't walk on this earth unless my head is held high. My pride must stand. I won't ever forget the night you caused me pain. Every painful experience reminds me to be strong. I won't cry for him anymore. This pain does not last for long. I won't forget the pain and I won't bother to remember who you are.

I will not love him anymore. I won't.