SM owns.

Thanks so much Mommakat!

Bella

I'd been holding out for a long time. It had been three weeks since I'd last fed and the burn in my throat was agonizing and unrelenting. It was so bad that I was contemplating just drinking some damn water. I was pretty sure it wouldn't taste any worse than the animal blood. Agreeing to the Cullen's lifestyle was a lot easier than actually getting out there and living it. Every time I imagined myself out in the forest, latching onto the neck of a fucking deer, and then drinking? I just wanted to cry.

I growled out in anguish and rolled on my back as I clutched my throat with both hands. The sweet sound of my lullaby stopped abruptly. Edward who had been playing it on his guitar looked up at me, his expression showing a mixture of shock, amusement, and pity. "That's it," he sighed tossing his instrument haphazardly on the couch and coming over to his bed where I was sprawled. "Time to hunt," he said looking down at me.

"I can wait a little longer! I'll go tomorrow," I rasped.

"Uh huh, that's what you said yesterday and the day before that. No more waiting. Let's just get it over with," he said. He grabbed my ankle and dragged me down to the edge of the bed where he bent over and pulled me over his shoulder.

"But…," I began but was cut off as he smacked my ass making me squeal in surprise and delight.

"Shut it, Swan!"

I sighed in defeat as he jumped from his bedroom window and ran us into the forest. I hung limply from his shoulder and watched the ground as Edward practically flew in search of prey. I focused on mentally preparing myself. I'd dealt with worse, way worse. This would just have to be a smash and grab job. Take the animal down, drink quickly, and be done.

Edward stopped after about an hour of running. He set me down gently and wrapped his arms around me. I buried my face in the hollow of his neck and took in the scent of him. So manly. So sexy. So… Edward.

"This isn't going to work if you start out with a negative attitude," he told me.

"I'm trying," I murmured against his skin.

"What upsets you the most about it," he asked.

"I can't say for sure. When I first learned about how you guys feed, I thought you all were being weak. Trying to delude yourself into believing you weren't suffering like the rest of us," I told him honestly. I could always be honest with Edward. "I'm not too excited about the taste either."

"Well it takes a strong vampire to put up with the taste. It's not appetizing. You learn to get used to it though. It cools the burn and that's all that really matters," he replied.

I nodded in agreement. "That's true. I am excited about hunting like you. There's something so carnal about it," I purred pressing against him. I remembered with perfect clarity when I watched Edward hunt. It was still one of the sexiest things I'd ever seen. I still didn't really want to do it myself though. It seemed like something that was better watched than done. I pushed Edward back against a tree and hitched my leg up to wrap it around his waist. He pushed me away though before I could complete the action.

"Oh no," he said keeping me at arm's length. "No stalling."

I huffed irritably and turned away from him. He came back and wrapped his arms around me before kissing my shoulder.

"I never took you for a whiner," he mused. I swiftly landed my elbow in his gut and he chuckled in response. "Seriously, let's get you fed. I don't want you to be in pain."

I sighed and nodded my head. Edward stayed behind me and instructed me to close my eyes. He told me to inhale and listen to the breeze for something nearby.

I could already tell that hunting animals was extremely different from humans. With them, all you had to do was wait in an alley or relatively deserted area and attack the first one that crossed you. It took a few minutes but I eventually caught something on the wind coming from the west. Two strong heart beats and a foul smell. It was musky and a bit like chlorophyll. I wrinkled my nose, in disgust.

"It's elk. We can wait for something better. They taste the worst," Edward whispered in my ear.

"I'd rather start with the worst," I thought.

"Okay," he nodded. "Move slowly and quietly until you get close enough to pounce. Animal instincts are fifty times stronger than humans. They'll sense danger and run away. It's extremely rare to catch any animal off guard. Of course you'll catch them anyway though because you're faster. Drink fast because once it gets cold, the taste is unbearable," he told me all in one breath.

I nodded my head having taken in everything he said while still listening to the heart of the elk. It smelled gross but I knew it would be hot and thick. My throat was killing me and I just needed to drink something…anything. Edward stepped away, silently telling me to go for the kill. I moved as stealthy as I could, which, may I say is very fucking stealthy, toward the west. The elk were grazing about two miles away and I reached them quickly. Like Edward had said they sensed me when I was about 100 yards away and they both took off in the opposite direction. I pushed forward running past them and then looping around to head them off.

Their reflexes were too slow and the first one nearly collided into me. I took hold of it's antlers and cracked the neck just as the second was slowing down to run back. I leapt over the first elk and tackled the second to the ground sinking my teeth into it's neck. His heart was beating fast and the blood gushed into my mouth. I took it down as fast as it came. I tried like hell to ignore the bitterness, weird tang, and vegetal taste but I just couldn't. I lasted about five swallows before I gave up.

"Fuck this!" I said pushing the animal away from me. "How can you do this? How! That's revolting!"

I spit on the grass and it instantly decayed. I wiped out the inside of my mouth with my shirt sleeve trying to remove all hints of the after taste from my palate.

"You've done this before Bella. Why can't you do it now?" Edward asked.

"It didn't taste anything like that!"

"I told you we could have waited for something better to come along."

"It'll taste better if you share with me like last time. Aren't you thirsty?"

His eyes were not yet black. They were dark brown but I knew that the burn would be starting to get intense.

"Of course I'll feed with you if that's what you need but you should probably try and do it on your own for the first time," he told me gently.

I rolled my eyes but I knew that he was right. I needed to get used to the taste. If Edward fed with me, he would just be a crutch. I wouldn't be able to feed with him every single time anyway.

"The hunting part was fun though," I said trying to look at the bright side. "Very exhilarating."

He smiled and nodded his head, "It is. Shall we proceed?"

I took his hand and continued moving at a jog. I was in no rush to find more elk but they were plentiful here. It took us less than fifteen minutes to come in contact with more. This time a herd of three. Edward released my hand and I rushed forward not giving myself time to psych myself out. I tackled down one but let the other two go. I knew that I wouldn't be able to drink them all. I pierced the jugular of the one I did have and drank him quickly. I was better prepared for the taste and decided not to even think of it at all. I instead focused on the diminishing agony in my throat. After I'd finished, I stood and decided to go after the other two that I'd let free. I found them easily enough and dined on them as well. When I was all done, I stood slowly feeling incredibly sloshy after having gorged so much on blood.

"I'm still a little thirsty," I said looking up at Edward uncertainly.

"The animal blood never fully satisfies you. You'll always feel like you need a little more," he told me.

I stared up at him feeling two very distinct things. First and foremost was anger. How could he not tell me that before? That little detail seemed to be the most important of all. I would never be fully sated? Never? The second was awe. Part of me just couldn't wrap my mind around what that statement meant.

"Are you telling me…that you spend the better part of your day…in a building full of humans…and you're constantly thirsty? That Carlisle goes into a hospital and cuts people open everyday while there's an incessant burn in his throat? Is that correct?" I asked speaking slowly and enunciating every word perfectly to insure that there was no misunderstanding between us.

"You get used to it, Bella. It's really not that bad. It's an adjustment of course but it's not unlike human blood in the way that once you get your thirst under control you can go to crowded areas and not massacre everyone around," he told me

"That's because when you drink human blood the thirst actually goes away for a while!" I exclaimed feeling as if I was about to have a panic attack.

Edward pulled my body against his and began rubbing small circles on my lower back while running his fingers through my hair. He was trying to calm me and it worked exceedingly well. I melted into him wanting to absorb every ounce of comfort his presence offered.

I was sitting in the living room with rest of the coven. I sat somewhat sequestered off by myself in an armchair in the corner. I couldn't believe that they were all just smiling and laughing like everything was fine. Like they didn't want to be ripping open someone's neck. I'd only been following their diet for a week and I was about to go insane. I'd been hunting every other day hoping that maybe, just maybe the thirst would go away. No luck.

I dragged both my hands through my hair in aggravation. I had to buck up. I felt like a whiney little bitch. I never voiced my agitation to the Cullens because I didn't want to appear weak. I was pretty sure my actions spoke louder than anything I could ever have said though. I was snapping at people left and right but they all just smiled indulgently at me in response.

I was starting to realize just how grossly I'd misjudged them. To carry on like this for decades and decades was a show of strength beyond imagine. I could annihilate a vampire in less than a minute. I could cuss someone out and make them feel like shit even the flies wouldn't touch. I could make people cower and beg for mercy just by glaring at them. I'd witnessed and performed sickening acts of cruelty and found it entertaining. I was a vampire capable of many things, but I couldn't walk in the shoes of a Cullen. Even Esme who I called pathetic time and time again was managing this unconquerable feat with effortless ease while I sulked in the corner just barely in control of myself.

"Hey girlie. You want to take a walk or something," Rose asked.

"Yes!" I exclaimed jumping up from my seat. I needed to do something. Just sitting around was not helping me at all. I was out pacing on the porch before Rose had even put her shoes on. When she finally came out we set out into the woods at a slow pace. I wrapped my arms around myself and looked up at rays of sun illuminating the moon.

"You and Edward seem pretty close lately," she said nonchalantly. A little too nonchalant if you asked me. I cast a sidelong glance at her and saw that she was looking straight ahead.

"We've always been close," I replied. "And allusiveness is not becoming of you, Rose."

"Well fuck we all know you gave him a blow job a few weeks ago! Everyone in that house is sexually active enough to know the sound of it no matter how quiet you try to be," she exclaimed. "I'm a little miffed that you didn't come gush about the details! I'm getting tired of waiting around for you!"

I snorted a laugh and rolled my eyes. I didn't expect what I'd done with Edward to be hidden from his family. I made him stay quiet because I knew that it would have been more intense that way.

"Well how about you go ahead and tell me all about the blow jobs you give Emmett first," I replied arching a brow at her.

"Oh please! Me being a dirty slut with Emmett is nothing. We're married and we've been together for over fifty years. You and Edward though, that's something to gossip about," she replied.

"It is not!" I retorted.

I hadn't gone to Rose or anyone else with the details because quite frankly it was none of their business. Maybe the way I went about pleasing Edward was all salacious and naughty but it was special to me. It was intimate. It wasn't something that I wanted to brag about with the girls. It was one of the most enjoyable sexual activities I'd ever participated in. Seeing Edward come undone drove me crazy in the best way. I felt good knowing that I could do that for him. And the way that we'd held each other afterward was just beyond words. That moment was just for Edward and I. Even though we'd done it in a house full of people, it had seemed like there was no else in the world but us.

"Yes I gave him a blow job. Yes it was fantastic. No I'm not saying anything else about it," I said.

Rosalie suddenly turned and planted herself in front of me. The motion was so abrupt that I nearly crashed into her. I stared wide eyed up at her as she looked at me with narrowed eyes.

"After everything we've discussed. All the secrets we've shared. This is what you want to keep under wraps?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes!" I exclaimed not understanding why this was such a hard concept for her to grasp.

"You love him," she said in a way that was both accusatory and smug.

I stared at her, mouth agape, and mind reeling. I attempted to refute her words but the only sounds that came from my mouth were odd little whimpers, snorts and squeaks. It wasn't until she giggled in delight that I finally found my voice.

"That is absurd!" I screeched.

"I guess that's why your voice just rose to a pitch only the dogs could hear," she scoffed.

I rolled my eyes and pushed past her. "I don't even know what love is, Rose," I spat getting more and more defensive by the second.

"So how do you know you don't love him?" she countered.

No comeback. No comeback at all. Luckily while I was debating the only two things one can say when there is no valid response a scathing "Fuck you" or an exasperated "Whatever" I caught the scent of a deer on the wind.

"Need to hunt!" I yelped and took off trying in vain to quell my thirst.