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My Dear Thomas,

Thank you for warning me about Mr Green, when I return I shall be on my guard constantly, I can't believe that Jimmy told him to say those things to you, any chance that man had with me is now completely gone, that's for sure.

I felt very proud of you when you wrote that you are going to the doctors, and it's wonderful that Jimmy agreed to go with you. It seems you don't really need me at all, you're well looked after between him and Alex keeping constant watch over you. It means I can worry less about you and stop pestering my brother with my worries, though I do confess it is lovely being close to him again. I even went to one of those clubs for people like you and I got talking to a rather interesting woman who asked me home at the end of the night, fortunately she wasn't too dejected when I told her there was no chance of that happening. Luke and Darren had a good laugh about it for a while though.

I'm pleased that you and Jimmy are on the way to sorting things out between you, and that you have found a way to forgive him, especially after those rotten tricks he played on you, though I can't say I'm not pleased he took away your alcohol, even if his intention was to frame Alex for it like you believe it was. That being said I am pleased that he has finally accepted Alex. I can't wait to meet him, he sounds just lovely, from what you've been saying about him anyway. Though I have been wondering whether perhaps you may have possible feelings for him? I know you think a lot of him and you may not be ready for a relationship yet, but from what you've been saying he makes you very happy. I'm sorry if I'm wrong, contrary to belief I don't want to meddle, but I was just wondering. That is unless you feel there is still hope for you and Jimmy? You don't really talk about that in your letters, and I understand why you wouldn't want to, but knowing you as well as I do; if you don't talk about something then it bothers you. I know you can't control your feelings, I only hope you can sort them out soon and that you can talk to me about this, because from what you've been saying I can only assume that Jimmy must still care for you very much.

Write to me when you figure it out, hopefully that will be before I'm with you all again, you'll have time as I've decided to stay with my parents over Christmas to save coming back and forth on the train over the holidays. Don't miss me too much.

Much love

Victoria

My meddlesome Victoria,

You should stop worrying about me. I do miss having you around, but as you said; I'm well taken care of here. I have been pleasantly surprised by Jimmy and his behaviour towards Alex, though O'Brien is determined to stick her oar in when it suits her. She's avoided me though, which counts for something, and is rather aiming her attention towards Jimmy, she probably thinks the same as I do; that Jimmy will go back to how he was before with a little manoeuvring.

Sounds like you had a good time at the club, maybe you should have taken that woman up on her offer, after all you have no other love interests; that is unless you take Green up on his offer? Or is there someone else you're neglecting to mention?

Green on the other hand is harmless, unless there's a woman involved, so you will be right to be wary, but I'll always look out for you. You know that. Though of course you don't need me to do you? You'll like Alex, you can't not like Alex, he's a saint, but I do NOT have feelings for him. I can't even get a proper read on him. There has been talk that he might be like me because he's so familiar all the time, but I'm not sure. I've never met anyone quite like him in all my life, it's like he doesn't belong downstairs. It's like he's sacred, that he can do no wrong, believe me I've been looking for faults but I can't seem to find any. To be honest it does make me more afraid that he is hiding some terrible secret. I don't know whether I would rather be right or wrong. If he is hiding something it can't be much worse than what I've done in my time.

I have my first trip to the doctor's tomorrow, Jimmy is coming with me. I know it'll be fine, so long as Jimmy doesn't talk about us, I don't think I'm ready for it yet. I don't think I'll ever be ready for it. It's just not the same any more. Nothing's the same. I'm different to how I was, I don't want to cause trouble, strangely enough, I just want to get on with my life and have some peace. Not that I'm getting much. Yet I'm starting to feel like I want something different in my life rather than just a pretty boy I have to look after, I want more than that. I value Jimmy, and need him now as a friend, too much to risk him for something that we have already tried and failed at.

In other news; Lady Rose is coming to Downton. She'll be here by the weekend… lucky us. I hear she's quite the troublemaker, but maybe they need a bit of that upstairs, so long as she doesn't trouble me I don't mind one bit. I heard she likes pursuing that which she can't have, so anything that's out of bounds Mr Carson will have to keep a sharp eye on (including the servants). I have heard rumour about her dalliances with married men ,can't imagine Jimmy and Alex will evade her for too long. It'll be more interesting than Lord Gillingham's repeat visits; he's really pushing himself, apparently next time he's going to bring a friend. His presence will no doubt be as dreary as Gillingham's, but Rose's presence should keep us all amused for a short while anyway.

I anticipate your return. I will have to savour the freedom from your meddling. I can't wait to watch you repel Green, it'll be a proper floorshow I should imagine.

Thomas

Despite what he had written, Thomas was feeling a concoction of raw emotion, directed explicitly towards Victoria's implications that he could harbour feelings for Alex. Could he? Alex. He was attractive, charming, kind, generous, loving, and those were just a few of his qualities and Thomas had only known him three weeks, but it somehow felt like they had been life long friends. He enjoyed Alex's company as much as he would enjoy the freedom of his waking world. Yet for all Thomas claimed to know about Alex the one thing that may have the greatest bearing on his feeling for him was what could not be answered; was Alex like him? Thomas sorely wanted to know. Since he and Jimmy had mended their bridges the auburn had been as open and familiar to the blonde as he had been with Thomas, and the under butler was sure that when he was introduced to Victoria Alex would be the same with her, but he could not ask him, though he would certainly have grounds for it after all the rumours circulating about him. Mr Carson had seen the source of those rumours silenced (specifically O'Brien and Alfred) once he caught wind of their scandalous indications. However since then the under butler had noticed the butler had been keeping a watchful eye on Thomas and Alex and tried to distribute jobs to them which would separate them, but they always found a way around it, finding the endeavour of outwitting Mr Carson an amusing challenge for them both, about the only kind of trouble Thomas was willing to cause.

After having to listen to erroneous complaints about both the footman and under butler being allowed to go to Ripon, without reason being given, Thomas and Jimmy left the Abbey for the doctor's. They talked just as they used to on the way to distract Thomas from what he was expecting to be an excruciating visit. Having no idea what they were going to ask or say to him, he therefore could not even plan what he would say to them, it would no doubt be lies; similar to the ones he told Alex. He only prayed silently that they would give him something to help him sleep, otherwise even with Jimmy trying to stop him he would have to go somewhere that day and buy a bottle of whisky to keep himself calm. It was strange being there with Jimmy, when Thomas felt he should be there with Alex. He missed not feeling awkward, he missed not thinking about the Duke every second, it was that feeling which stopped Thomas from asking Jimmy about his scars, but from how Jimmy walked and how laboured he appeared when he was at work Thomas could see that his wounds were bothering him. He did not feel guilty, since Jimmy did not ask him either, though the scar stretching onto his neck was plain to see. Jimmy's silence on the matter did not bother him in the slightest, as he could see the motion of his Adam's apple, bobbing in sickness of` the memory.

"Ah, Mr Barrow, come in."

Suddenly Thomas felt as if he should be stood to attention as he came into the office of his former captain, who was rummaging through some papers which were in a neat pile on his desk. "Dr Clarkson." Thomas said as confidently as he could to remove any appearance that he was nervous.

"Well sit down Mr Barrow, and tell me what's troubling you." The Doctor left his papers alone and gave his former Corporeal his full attention as Thomas sat down, opting to keep his coat on.

Thomas had rehearsed what to say and even though his nerves were apparent in the way he was clutching his hat on his lap he spoke steadily, "You told me to come and see you if I were… having trouble."

Dr Clarkson cast his mind back, as it was clear that the under butler did not want to elaborate on this, and remembered his visit to Downton after the Duke of Crowborough's visit and the advice he gave to Thomas following it. "I see." In the past the doctor held little love for Thomas, but seeing that he had come to him with such a serious and delicate problem made him put all other opinions of the younger man aside. "Can you describe the er- symptoms?" This being the best way for him to put it.

"I can't sleep, when I do I have nightmares, I can't concentrate on me work-"

"May I ask, have you been drinking?"

"Today?" Thomas looked at him in a panic, hoping the Doctor hadn't noticed that he had been to the pub before his appointment and consumed, with Jimmy's disapproval, three shots of strong whisky to prepare for this consultation.

"Anytime since.. what happened. Perhaps more than usual."

Thomas sighed with shame, "Yes."

"Well you don't need to say anything further," The Doctor assured Thomas, "and I don't need any time to decide what to do about your.. condition. There is a psychiatrist in the village, his name is Andrew Landon, he's a good man, very trustworthy, and specialises in trauma. He treats all kinds of people…" The Doctor rubbed his neck in discomfort at how to continue his sentence without making Thomas feel discriminated, but the under butler skipped the absurdity of the older man's qualms as he knew the Doctor was no fool and what exactly he was trying to say and so saved him the trouble.

"He treats homosexuals."

"Yes." There was a pause; Thomas waiting for the Doctor to pick up the phone and call the police, the Doctor waiting for Thomas to storm out of the office, but neither of those things happened, so Clarkson continued, "I just want you to know that you can trust him, that is the most important thing, or there's no point in going unless you can be completely open and honest with him. Any road, I think you should see him twice a week, in fact if you tell me when you might be available I will call his secretary now and arrange it. It's not best to delay these things." Thomas told him that since he did not really have any free time as it was, he would be available anytime so long as it wasn't during mealtimes, and he would just have to arrange it with Mr Carson (more likely Mrs Hughes but the Doctor didn't need to know that). Clarkson lifted the receiver to make the call, while he waited for Landon's secretary to pick up he rifled through some papers in his desk drawer and, selecting the right paper, handed it to Thomas, on it was the address of the psychiatrist and some information about the man himself, his education and experience and so forth. From a brief scan Thomas could see the man was well respected in his field and for good reason, at forty he was at an age where Thomas would feel comfortable speaking to him, rather than if he were vastly younger or older. Such a thing was very important for a man like Thomas, a man with so many secrets, he needed someone he could trust and from what Doctor Clarkson said maybe he could.

Thomas looked up from the paper as he heard the sound of the receiver dropping back into the cradle. "That's sorted. He will see you on Tuesdays and Fridays at three o'clock. Here, I'll write it down for you," Clarkson took the paper he had previously given to Thomas and made a notation on the top before handing it back to the patient who glanced again at the writing, "In the meantime.." Clarkson rose and went over to the medicine cabinet which he unlocked with a key taken from his pocket. He turned the bottles so he could see the labels until he came across the one he wanted for Thomas, "Take two of these before you go to bed every night. They should help you sleep and…" He returned to the cabinet, "Take one of these during mealtimes, they should help control your symptoms during the day. They should last you for three weeks, come back to me when you need a refill."

Thomas thanked the Doctor, hardly believing he had put this off for so long, it was so simple, but the Doctor did warn Thomas that the process wouldn't be simple, but he did the right thing, and the brave thing by coming in. It was when Thomas was handed the pills that he changed. He suddenly saw that he was being treated, he was sick, the Duke had done that which Thomas had never wanted and had prevented all his life; he had become a victim. The Duke had made him into a victim.

Jimmy was sat outside the doctor's office nervously rubbing his thighs. He glanced impatiently at the clock, Thomas had been in there for almost twenty minutes. What could take so long? As if Thomas heard his thoughts he came out of the office, walking straight past Jimmy, who grabbed the under butler's hat, which he left on the seat next to him, and chased after the under butler. Slightly bewildered that Thomas just thoughtlessly left him in the waiting room, and didn't speak to him until they got outside.

"What did he say?" Jimmy started walking backwards since Thomas was determined to make a beeline to a shop across the road which held an extensive stock of alcohol which was of the greatest interest to Thomas. He passed through the front door, the bell rang followed by a banging as the door fell back into Jimmy's shoulder as he passed through it. The shop seemed to empty on their arrival as the only other customer exited, Jimmy gave the back of his head a dirty look as if to say 'Does our presence offend you?" Jimmy stopped next to Thomas down the back of the shop in the spirits section and, being mindful of the shopkeeper, lowered his voice and flitted his eyes back and forth to make sure the shopkeeper wasn't coming towards them to make sure they were thieving. "What did he say?" Jimmy repeated.

"I'm to see a psychiatrist twice a week." Thomas said in anger as he scanned the higher percentage whisky bottles, just hearing it from someone else, telling someone else, confirming that he had a problem, that there was something wrong with him, was hateful.

"Did he give you something to help you sleep?" Jimmy thought that a referral would be the consequence of Thomas' visit.

"Thankfully he gave me some pills." Thomas talking as if they were speaking only of the weather.

"But you're going to buy booze anyway?" Jimmy criticised Thomas, not wanting to mother his former lover in stopping him from getting it but not condoning it at the same time. Thomas answered Jimmy's question by taking a bottle off the shelf. "If you want me to come with you I will."

"I couldn't ask you to do that."

"You're not asking are you? I'm offering. I told you, I want to be there for you. If Mr Carson will let me."

"I'll talk to Mrs Hughes, she'll understand." Thomas turned the bottle in his hand unconcernedly.

"How long will you have to go for?"

"I'll stop going when I get better… if I get better." At the last words Thomas no longer cared what bottle he had a hold of as long as it was strong and alcoholic so settled for the one in his hand.

"We'll be having none of that. You will get better, and I'll be here every step of the way. I promise you."

Thomas smiled as he brushed past Jimmy and put the bottle on the counter, handing over the payment to the shopkeeper, who looked at Thomas as if he could see the reason behind the purchase and smiled at him sadly, all three men thinking the same thing; 'This isn't the answer.'