Chapter 26:Hurt (Christina Aguilera)

The walls that I built around myself, keep me safe from the pain of being alone and someday I hope to not need them anymore.

After my last hospital stay in September and the list of things that I had to abide by, I managed to get my lungs back up to where they needed to be.

By mid October, I had cleared everything with my doctors and they gave me the okay to resume my normal activities but they cautioned me that I should leave smoking alone for good.

I planned to follow that advice.

As soon as I knew that I could, I worked my ass off to get back in shape and on top of that I made sure to make up everything I could to catch up in my classes.

Marco was still making himself scarce after nearly killing me and I was thankful for it.

My father told me that he sat him down and had a long talk.

Marco would be granting me a divorce very soon, if my dad had anything to do with it, it would be an annulment.

I still hadn't talked to Marco other than through my dad.

His excuse for suddenly being unavailable was the huge case load that he had but I knew that once my dad got a hold of him that he changed his tune and realized that I wasn't so vulnerable anymore.

He was slowly fading into my past again and I didn't mind much.

Once I realized that Marco wouldn't be around I began to live again.

I hung out with Quinn whenever I got the chance and I was even back on my weekly shopping schedule with Britt.

My close proximity to the school provided me with no excuse to not attend football games.

I ended up sitting with Rachel in the stands since both our cheerleaders were on the sidelines.

My new lease on life even allowed me to tolerate the hobbit more than usual.

She was okay in a loud and rowdy crowd because it was much easier to drown out her constant yammering.

I also began to spend time with Britt again outside of shopping.

I had her over a few times for Sweet Valley High marathons, however, I was still banned from sweet lady kisses which sucked.

She was back together with Finnept and apparently he made her happy so I just kept my distance when he was around and tried my hardest to keep my hands off Britt.

Everything was going alright, I had been clean and sober a solid month.

My pneumonia was long gone and so was my smoking habit.

My high school life was back on track and ironically after my parents moved to Atlanta, we have begun to talk at least once a day.

I was starting to feel loved and cared about and with my father now 'in the know' about my past it seemed that he wasn't so angry all the time.

I guess he was just frustrated with not knowing what was going on with me and had to rely on rumors that made their way back to him.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Vega?"

I hated that my last name was officially Vega...it made my skin crawl but I didn't correct people anymore because it involved explaining and I just didn't care to spend that much time and effort.

It would change soon enough.

"Yes? Who's this?"

"Dr. Jindahl. I hope that I caught you at an okay time. Can you make it in today by any chance?"

"Actually, I am headed to take my SATs, is it important? My lungs feel fine, I just had a check up last week."

"Well, unfortunately I must insist. Maybe after your test you could make it in?"

Quinn was having a big bonfire down at the junction and I had been pretty psyched about it but I knew that she would understand if I had to take a slight detour, I mean I usually showed up late anyway.

"Alright, doc, how about at 4?"

"Perfect, see you then, Mrs. Vega."

At first I was fine, I got to the cafeteria and signed in and was sent off with the M-Z group which annoyed me, since I was now stuck at the end of the alphabet.

I was anxious about my test and then I was worried about what the good doctor had to say.

I had really wanted to talk to Quinn but now I had to wait until break in two hours, since the people with A-L last names were in a different part of the school.

The only upside was that now I got to stare at Britt without Finn lingering and watching me because she was at the end of the alphabet too.

The first half of the test went painstakingly slow, I had finished each section in record time and even had time to recheck my answers twice.

I looked over at Britt and she was near tears.

I wanted to strangle Finn.

My best friend was frustrated and I had to watch it go down without being able to help her.

I had offered to help Britt study but Finn had gotten territorial and said that he would be able to help her ten times better than I could.

I got it, he didn't want me to be alone with her, so then Quinn tried to help but the idiot had insisted in front of Britt and just went along with it.

I know that Britt is up for a scholarship to Julliard and since she needed every bit of scholarship money that she could get, this test was crucial.

She didn't have Quinn's money or my trust fund to get her to New York she was relying on pure talent.

Seeing her struggle pained me but I knew that at this point there was nothing I could do.

When break came around they sent us to the cafeteria, providing us with a half hour to eat and mingle so that we could give our brains a rest.

I headed towards Q, so that I could talk through some of this anxiety after that phone call but Britt had other ideas.

Before I knew it she had wrapped her arms around me and was sobbing into my neck.

I held her close and rubbed her back.

"It's alright B, there is always the makeup."

"The scholarship deadline is this week Ana! I'm so screwed. I should of let you help me like I wanted you to."

"I'm sure you are doing great, B. Just think about what I have taught you and forget the rest. I know you got this!"

"Finn says that your tricks and shortcuts are dumb but then I tried his and now my head feels like it has marbles rolling around in it."

I was beyond angry, he had no right to try and teach her stuff in a different way so close to the test.

He was an idiot!

I gripped Britt's hand and stormed over to where the dumb jocks were sitting.

"Ana...don't." She whispered but I was on a mission.

And I didn't care who saw.

"Hey creampuff!"

Finn turned red as he looked my way.

I had my arms crossed over my chest after moving Britt to stand behind me just in case this got ugly.

Finn jumped up and stormed over towards me with his fists balled up and his stupid gassy baby face scrunched up.

I knew he was embarrassed but I didn't give a shit about those dumb meatheads.

Britt was hurting and he was going to pay.

"What is it Santana?"

"Do you know how long it took me to get Brittany to finally understand mathematical functions? I taught her all my tricks and that is why she has an 3.0 average but apparently you are smarter than me and now that she had to rely on your dumb ass ideas she couldn't work out the test, you fucking confused her!"

"Your methods made no goddamned sense, Santana."

"Maybe not to your puny nut sized brain, jockstrap, but Britt had gotten it. It would have been easier to just let me help her, I have helped her since the tenth fucking grade. And now, if she misses out on Julliard because of you and your stupid fucking territorial bullshit, I am going to stick my foot so far up your ass you are going to taste my sneaker for weeks."

"Take that back."

"Make me!"

"You know what Santana?" I had conducted myself at a low growl but he was loud. Like screaming, loud. "I'm sick of your shit. Just fucking come out of the closet already! You are just mad because I had the balls to ask Brittany out. If you would just admit to everyone that you're a lesbian already maybe you wouldn't be such a fucked up, crack addicted bitch!"

The whole room went silent.

I stood there frozen.

My whole body was shaking.

And I couldn't bring myself to move but that didn't stop Britt.

She lunged at Finn who had already been on his way back to his table wearing a self satisfied smirk.

I turned and ran as fast I could out of the room.

Q says it was poetic justice watching the quarterback being tackled by a blonde cheerleader and getting wailed on.

I'm sure it was and I would have done it myself it hadn't of been for my tears.

I couldn't let them see me cry.

I didn't see anything past his words because I was already in the bathroom sobbing.

I had just been outed in front of the whole senior class as a crackhead and a lesbian.

I didn't know which one was worse.

All I knew is that I could show my face out there.

I was mid sob as the first wave of nausea hit me, followed by a second and a third.

I was knelt over the toilet gagging when Q found me...I hadn't even shut the stall door.

"San? Sweetie? Are you okay?" I didn't have the energy to answer, so I just shook my head, turned back to the toilet and continued to empty my stomach. "Right, stupid question. You will be happy to know that Sue just kicked out Finn and he has to make it all up."

I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and sat against the stall wall.

"He's a fucking asshole. I hate him!"

"Me too."

The bathroom door swung open and Rachel popped her head in.

"Britt was just escorted out of the building and if you two don't come out of this bathroom you will be too. Test starts in three minutes."

My heart swelled at the thought that Britt had another chance to take the test!

I mean I hated that she was being sent home but I knew that I would be able to help her this time.

I rinsed out my mouth and headed back to my testing area.

I looked at Britt's empty seat and sighed.

I needed to get through this test and get out of this place.

I tried my best to focus on the rest of the test even though I could feel people watching me.

I was nerve wracked and knowing that I had to head back to the hospital to top it all off had me jittery.

"Time! Please turn your tests in up at the front. Good luck to you all."

I rushed out of the building and headed straight to my car.

I had been trying to get my key in the ignition for several minutes but I couldn't focus.

"Ugh! God help me! Please?" I pleaded with the sky.

I finally got the key in and was able to start the car.

My hands were shaking so badly, my nerves were totally fried, I knew that I just needed a cigarette and I would be able to calm myself.

I closed my eyes, placed my head against the steering wheel and tried to breathe and just trying my best to ignore the craving.

I hadn't locked my doors so when Quinn got in it shouldn't have surprised me so much but when she touched my leg, I jumped and nearly had a heart attack.

"Fuck! Quinn! You can't do that! Shit!"

My hands began shaking harder as I rested my face on the steering wheel again and started breathing really fast.

"San? It's okay honey. Here," she handed me some gum. "it helps with the nerves. Just chew and breathe slowly."

I took the gum and chewed, I immediately began to breathe a little easier.

I turned to her and smiled, happy that I was able to calm down without nicotine.

"Thanks Q."

"No problem. Feel better?"

"Yea."

"So where are you headed the bonfire isn't for three hours. Are you going to check on B?"

"Headed to the hospital actually."

"Really? Why?"

"I don't know yet, are you coming with?" she nodded and buckled her seat belt.

I love Q, she is always down for anything.

Even at the last moment.

We sat in Dr. Jindahl's office anxiously.

I still didn't know why I was here but since I hadn't been instructed yet to change my clothes, I still had confidence that this was a plain old follow up.

"Mrs. Vega! Very nice to see you again."

He reached out for my hand and shook it tightly.

"I wish I could say the same doc, why am I here?"

He sat behind my father's old desk and searched through some files, placed one open in front of him.

He looked back up at me and rested his folded hands on top of the open file.

"I wanted you to come in so I could confirm your pregnancy and hopefully, get you set up for a proper checkup."

"What?"

Both Quinn and I jumped forward in our seats and stared him down.

"You didn't know? I was afraid of that. It seems my residents and interns were so terrified of your father they they failed to mention this to either of you."

"How far along?" I nearly screamed out.

"Nine weeks or so."

I was counting back nine weeks in my head, I found myself hoping it was Marco's more than any other guy and even though NoNo would be the most supportive and loving, after seeing what he went through with Beth I didn't want to unload something like this on him.

The other options though were utterly unthinkable.

"Um...I can't think...what was nine weeks?"

"It happened around the time of your overdose."

"I need to go. I will call you to set something up doc. I need to make some phone calls."

I rushed out of his office with Q hot on my heels.

This was the last fucking thing that I needed.

It was like I was meant to stay in this shit hole town for the rest of my life.

"Is this really happening right now, Q?" I asked her after driving for five minutes in complete silence.

"I'm afraid so love."

"I wish Sandra was here. Why did this shit have to happen when she decided to go home?"

"No worries, San, I'm coming back home with you right now and we can just talk this through and then we can go to the bonfire and try and ease your mind a bit."

"Um...how about you go to your bonfire and I will just head home. My head is hurting so I'm just going to go straight to bed. You can come by after though...do you still have your spare key?"

"Yea I do"

"Good. So you want me to take you home?"

"No that's ok San, Just drop me by Britt's that's where I left my car and I will see you tonight."

Lately, I have been a little too open with my emotions but at this moment I just wanted to curl up and be alone.

When I got up to my apartment I shut all the blinds, put my Amy Winehouse playlist on repeat and then drowned myself in my blankets and pillows.

I was angry with the world, with Marco but most of all I was especially mad at myself, I wasn't built to be anyone's mother.

I was too fucking selfish for my own good.

I vaguely heard my phone ringing and then knocking at my door but I couldn't bring myself to move.

My phone continued to go off and so I finally checked the caller id, it was fucking Marco.

I threw my phone across the room feeling somewhat satisfied when I heard it shatter.

Unfortunately the knocking persisted.

"Go away!"

My voice was almost nonexistent and my words were no more than a whisper.

Whoever it was kept right on fucking knocking but I wasn't moving.

I started singing to myself trying my best to drown out the noise, I knew that I was losing it.

I rocked and sang until no sound came from my throat.

The knocking had finally stopped thankfully.

But that was only because whoever it was had gotten inside.

I was suddenly wrapped in Britt's warm comfort.

She laid on her side behind me and held me close to her.

I didn't want her to see me like this but knowing Britt, she didn't give a shit what I wanted when I was this deep in depression especially if it ended up with me trying to hide from the world like this.

"You heard the news I take it?"

Britt was talking but I was only half listening.

"God San I'm so sorry this had to happen just when things were looking up for you. When I saw it on the news I rushed right over here. Thank goodness you taught me to pick locks." She was rambling and rocking me.

At some point Quinn came into the room with tears in her eyes.

Something had happened and it had to do with me and my world.

I forced myself to pay closer attention to my surroundings.

"I canceled the bonfire, have you heard from your mom yet?"

"I haven't moved from this spot, I'm not even sure if I want to keep it, why would I talk to my mom?"

Quinn looked confused and then I saw the light bulb go on in her head.

"Shit San...where is your phone?"

"I threw it when I saw that Marco was calling me."

"San something has happened...something big."

Quinn rummaged around in my covers until she found the remote.

She turned on the TV and almost immediately I saw my fathers face flash on the screen.

I sat up as the reporter began to speak.

Former prominent local figure was gunned down this afternoon. Aden Mateo Lopez was working at the Atlanta Medical Center this afternoon when a deranged man walked in and started spraying the room with bullets. As of this time there have been nineteen casualties and six are wounded. The hospital was locked down for six hours this afternoon while police searched for the gunman. The man, Isaiah Powell of Savannah, Georgia, was brought down shortly after his shooting spree when he opened fire on enforcement officials. A public vigil is being held at Lima General this evening to pray for the victims and their families. Aden Lopez was 49...

I remember every second after I heard the news but I don't think I was really present, the world just seemed to move around me at a slow pace in black and white.

I remember standing up and changing my clothes.

I remember using Quinn's phone to call my mother and I especially remember how hysterical she was.

I tried to comfort her but I know that it fell flat.

It was like my emotions had been sucked out of me.

As a child my father hated to wake up on Sunday's more than anything.

I inherited that trait from him, among others.

As a family we would always go to midnight mass on Saturdays and since I was in Catholic school my dad felt like his duties as a good Catholic had been fulfilled.

When I lost the baby I had stopped going to mass all together.

I tried to get up the urge to make it but there was always something more important going on.

Over the years I had only gone a handful of times and one of those nights resulted in meeting Blaine, sneaking into a bar afterwards and drinking away the nights sermon on homosexuality.

We ended up in bed together trying to fuck away the gay but we both left the motel feeling even more assured in who we were and what we couldn't be, straight.

I went to mass a few times after that but really something had died in me when I was told I was going to hell for who I loved.

Quinn and I had millions of conversations after that, involving religion and I always agreed with her.

God is love and so he could never hate me because I loved Brittany.

Even with Quinn urging me to not give up my faith, I still felt cheated and betrayed by those people that I trusted, it was why I refused to go to a Catholic highschool.

So when I got up that night after hearing that my father had been taken away from me, I got dressed and walked to the church down the street, I know that Quinn was a bit shocked.

I was just numb.

Papi and I were just fixing things, just getting back to being a father and daughter duo that loved each other endlessly.

I needed to find some absolution, I needed to embrace what little faith I had left.

I walked to the front of the church and knelt in front of the altar, I felt Q and B beside me but I was too focused on my petitions to pay them any mind.

I prayed so hard that night and lit candles.

I sat through midnight mass like my life depended on it.

It was my first one in years and I felt nothing as I sat there.

This place was the closest that I could get to my father at the moment so I was willing to suffer through what I was feeling towards the church.

I had lost a huge piece of myself that day and even though we had just gotten each other back, I was feeling guilty and ashamed of the fact that a part of me felt relieved.