A.N: So, I decided not to update until I had 100 reviews... Nah, just kiddin'! Just been busy. But I'm officially finished my schooling as of the end of next week, so... More time for writing. Although, the story may be done by then...?
Oh yeah- and thanks very much for all the very sweet reviews... And even for the pressure to update more! You guys are awesome!
Alex watched Nick carefully, not sure if she should say something or not. She squeezed his hand again and gave him a tentative smile of encouragement.
He looked into her eyes, a strange expression on his face. He smiled tiredly and she could see that he was trying to gather up his courage. There was still discomfort and anguish evident behind his smile, but at least the fear was gone. Something like a bitter resignation had taken it's place.
The doubt in his eyes as he looked at her... She tried not to show how much it saddened her. She didn't want him to misinterpret anything right now. This was clearly too important.
"I... I don't know how to begin, so I guess I should just... I should just tell you what happened straight up."
He turned from her then and moved his legs over the side of the bed. His feet rested on the floor now and he looked down at them as he prepared to speak. She gazed at the side of his face with concern as he started, his voice low.
"Alex, when I was 9... When I was 9, I was sexually assaulted by a babysitter."
She felt ice slip through her veins and she drew in a harsh breath. Nick slowly looked up at her sideways, not comfortable fully facing her yet. She was aware that the shock must be clearly showing on her face, but she couldn't control it.
Oh my God...
This had been the last thing she'd been expecting. She'd imagined that it had been something traumatic, but she hadn't realized it had happened so long ago. She'd thought something had happened to him on the job, maybe... But not... Not this.
Abused.
She felt her eyes getting misty. She wanted to tell him she was sorry, even though she knew it wouldn't help much in the long run. But she couldn't seem to find her voice.
Nick sighed as he looked back down at his lap. Adult Nick was in control now, not the child he always became once more when he had the nightmare. But the anguish remained, and he could feel his eyes getting watery. It pained him to open up about something like this with Alex, but he knew he had to. She had to know everything if they were going to move forward in this relationship. It was all that was holding them back. He stared at the far wall as he continued.
"We had a case at work... A child abuse case. That was what triggered the nightmares again. I... I couldn't..." He blew out a breath. "That's what it's all been about, Alex. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before."
He turned and smiled at her sadly. "I hope... I hope you can understand-"
"Oh, Nick..."
She sobbed and moved over to wrap her arms around him from behind. He leaned back into her wearily and she put her head on his shoulder, rocking them both gently and kissing his cheek as the tears streamed down her face.
"I'm so sorry, Nick. I'm so sorry."
She squeezed him tighter, afraid that if she let him go, he'd be hurt again somehow. He grabbed at her hands in front of him and held them close to his chest. She murmured into his ear.
"I... I can't imagine what you've been going through all this time."
She felt a strange pressure on her heart as she contemplated all those years, dealing with such a heavy load...
Nick felt a tear break free, but he wiped it away. Alex fought to control her own tears as well.
C'mon Winters, keep it together. He needs you right now.
She leaned back and reached up a hand to touch his shoulder. He turned more towards her but he was still having difficulty looking her in the eye and she bit at her lip in sorrow.
"What... What happened to the babysitter? Did sh... she..." She stuttered off, looking down as she realized it could actually have been a man. Either way, the more she thought about it the more sickened she felt. She swallowed her nausea and looked back at him. He was frowning.
"Nick?" She reached out to touch his arm uneasily.
He shook his head sadly as he looked at her. "Nothing. Nothing happened to her because nobody knew about it."
She felt her brows raising as she stared back in disbelief. His eyes were still glassy.
"You... You never told anyone? Not your parents, or...?"
He shook his head and looked back in front of him. "I was too scared. After she... after it happened, I just stayed in my room in the dark and waited for my mom to get home. She never knew."
Alex wanted to scream.
How could anybody have done something like that to a little boy? What kind of monster...?
She took a deep breath and tried to calm her inner turmoil. She put her hand against his back once more and rubbed it gently. She'd couldn't believe he'd been dealing with something like this for so long alone. She felt her lower lip trembling as she tried not to sob again.
He took a deep breath himself, and half turned to her again.
"Catherine knows. I had to tell her a couple of years ago. I was... I was messing up in a case... Another abuse case, or so I thought. She confronted me and I realized I had to tell her the truth, but..." He shook his head.
Alex frowned. Catherine must know how hard those cases were for him, but there probably wasn't much she could do about it. It was a no-win situation.
"Nick, what... Is that why you left Dallas? Does it remind you of...?"
She stopped as he started to shake his head 'no'.
"No, it's nothing like that. I managed to somehow get through it. Maybe you're more resilient when you're a kid, or something... I don't know. But I moved because I wanted to move. I wanted the job in Vegas as a criminalist." He turned around to look at her now.
She nodded. "It's just that... Well, I haven't noticed you having the nightmares as much; or maybe when I'm not around you're having them?"
"No, not really... They've tapered off again. Or at least they had."
"Then why are you getting them again now?"
She stroked his cheek and he gave her another sombre smile. Before he could speak, she realized what had happened.
"Oh...The house... Your old house. You lived there then, didn't you?" She frowned again and he nodded.
"Oh, Nick... Why did we go there, then? I knew... I knew something was wrong, but I never got a chance to ask you about it." She looked away regretfully and he put a hand on her arm.
"Hey, it's OK. I... I don't know if I would have been able to tell you then anyway." He smiled sadly.
"We shouldn't have gone there..." She looked strained and he squeezed her arm gently. He gave her another grim smile.
"Jess needed it. I had to do it for her. She needed me to go with her."
Alex shook her head. "Nick, I..." She blew out a ragged stream of air and looked at him intensely. "You need to be looking after you too, you know?"
She felt the tears start to form again and he pulled her into his arms comfortingly. He whispered into her ear.
"I know. I know I do." He rubbed his cheek into her hair and she tightened her arms around him.
He sighed. "I told Catherine that I thought it... Something like that is what makes a person, you know? And I guess it's true; except that it's also something that can hold you back." He leaned away from her slightly and she sniffled as she stared into his eyes.
"It's been the one thing I couldn't be open about. With anybody." He looked away again. "I mean, I've always felt so... I don't know. Just... After the nightmares, I feel like I don't want people to see me..." He looked back at her once more. His eyes were watery and intense and she couldn't look away. "I didn't want you to see me... I guess it was self-disgust."
She felt another tear run down her face. "I still see you, Nick. The same, wonderful you that I love. Nothing could ever change that."
His eyes shined as he looked back at her. "I know that now."
He smiled slightly, but she could still see the pain lingering. And it made her angry, suddenly. She sniffled and shook her head in disgust.
"I mean, Jesus... You were 9 years old... 9 years old! What kind of... What kind of sicko would do that to a kid? How could you ever feel like..." She shook her head, frustrated. "It wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done." She was livid now. "My God... If I ever meet this woman, honest to God, Nick... I don't know if I'd be able to stop myself from..."
He was surprised and then warmed by her anger on his behalf. He leaned in close and grabbed her chin gently, looking her closely in the eyes. Tears still brimmed there, but there was a fire behind it now.
"Hey, I know. Don't think I haven't thought of it a million times myself. But.." He sighed as he stroked her cheek thoughtfully. "It's not what's important anymore."
She continued to frown, but said nothing.
"I just... I just needed to finally confront the past. I'd never really dealt with it; I just kept reliving it and pushing it back down again, over and over again. But it just keeps resurfacing... And I've realized that I can't avoid it anymore. You helped me realize that."
He smiled slightly and her brows went up.
"Me? I haven't done anything...?" In truth, she'd been frustrated that she hadn't been able to help him with all this. Especially since she'd never known what was troubling him. She'd always felt so useless.
"Alex, you know that's not true." He continued to stroke her face, slightly amused now at her look of doubt. "You must know how much I love you?"
She swallowed. "Yeah, but...?"
"If it wasn't for you, I may have gone on like this forever; trying to ignore it, pushing it back down and hoping it went away on its own. If I didn't have you in my life, I may not have seen how important it was for me to finally sort it out. I mean, maybe I would have eventually gone to therapy, but maybe not." He put his nose close to hers. "You gave me a reason, Alex."
She closed her eyes and rested her forehead against his. She didn't know what to say. He put his arms around her again and she laid her head on his shoulder. He spoke softly once more.
"And I've never... I've never had someone who... The other night you were here for me. You helped me feel human again, after the nightmare. You helped chase away the fear, the... The self-disgust. I've never had that before. I've never had someone to just be there for me... Thank you."
She pulled back, once again surprised. He stared back into her eyes.
"I can do this, Alex. I can get past this... I know I can." He smiled at her shyly. "If you help me...?"
She caressed his cheek before kissing him lightly, sniffling into his lips.
"Oh, Nick... I'll always be there for you. Always. You have to know that?" Her bottom lip was trembling. "I love you. More than I've ever loved anybody or anything in my entire life. I'd do anything for you. Anything."
She smiled at him lovingly, tears slipping down her face.
He smiled as thejoy stole through him, and then he kissed her through his own tears. He'd known that she'd be there for him. He'd never had a doubt. But it was still a huge release for him to share the truth with her. He started to feel like everything would be alright after all.
She hugged him tightly to her, vowing to herself to never let go.
After holding each other quietly for a while, they'd finally drifted off to sleep.
When he'd awoken around 10 that morning, Nick had found Alex laying beside him, looking at him with concern. He tried to ease her concerns by smiling.
"Hey, sweetheart." He reached over to push a strand of hair behind her ear. "How long have you been awake?"
She smiled slightly. "Not very long. Did you... Did you get much sleep?" She almost looked as if she felt guilty because she didn't know.
He leaned over to kiss her. "Yep. Lots. Thanks to you."
She smiled wider. "I'm so pathetic."
He looked confused. "Huh? Why?"
"Because you're the one who... with... with, well... all of this. All that you've been dealing with. And here you are, obviously trying to make me feel better." She shook her head in self-deprecation and repeated her earlier statement.
"I'm pathetic."
He laughed. "Hey, don't talk that way about the woman I love." He smiled at her encouragingly. "And I'm OK, so... It's no big deal."
She still looked chagrined so he went on.
"Honey, I... I can see how upset you are by all this and you know what? I love you for it. Because I know how much you care."
She kissed him softly. "I do. Very much."
He smiled as he pulled her into his arms, stroking her hair. "Then I'm not worried anymore. We'll get through this together."
She laughed. "You're doing it again."
"What?"
"Making me feel better."
He chuckled. "Sorry, I can't help it."
She rolled around so that she was on his chest, looking down into his face. "Just as long as you look after yourself too, OK?"
He smiled sweetly. "Making you feel better helps me feel better, honestly."
"Nick, I'm serious. You being alright... That has to come first, OK? I need you too much to-"
"Hey... Easy." He smiled gently at her, caressing her face once more. "I am serious. Making you happy makes me happy. And it really does make me feel better. I'm not making this up."
She shook her head at him. "OK." She smiled again. "OK. I love you, Nick Stokes."
He grinned happily. "I love you too, Alex Winters. Now we better make an appearance before the rumours get too advanced down there."
After they cleaned up and headed for the door, Alex paused.
"Nick, are you...?" She stopped, frowning.
"What?"
"Are you going to tell your family? Your mom?"
He shook his head. "No. It won't help me to tell them, truthfully. And it would only hurt them in the long run. My mother would blame herself..." He shook his head again.
Alex nodded. "Yeah, I understand."
He smiled and leaned in to kiss her. "Thanks."
Alex still felt a little strained as they entered the kitchen, but she tried to hide it. Julia looked up at them, smiling.
"Well now, if it isn't the lovebirds? Sleep in?" She grinned at them knowingly and Alex blushed.
Nick laughed and shook his head. "Yes, we did sleep in, in fact. Not that it's any of your business."
Alex felt a little uncomfortable for a moment, and it must have shown on her face. She couldn't help but think of what had gone on earlier that morning. Laura Stokes caught the expression and moved to her side with concern.
"Alex, honey... Is everything OK?" Nick's mom looked at him suddenly, worried something had happened. She looked between Nick and Alex with a frown on her face.
Alex looked at Nick guiltily. He'd told her eveything was OK, but she still worried. She thought quickly.
"Oh, no, nothing's wrong. It's just that... Well, I have these nightmares sometimes and... I didn't sleep the best afterwards." She caught Nick's eye and he smiled at her appreciatively.
And it wasn't exactly a complete lie. She did still suffer from her own nightmares occasionally...
Laura frowned. "Oh, hon... I'm sorry. Of course you do; I'm not surprised after what you've been through."
She moved over to Alex and patted her arm gently. Alex smiled up at her gratefully. Julia looked uncomfortable in the corner.
"Well, I feel like an asshole now..."
Alex laughed, but Laura looked at her daughter sternly. "Well you should. And don't use that language in my house, please."
Julia held up her hands in defeat, muttering as she disappeared out of the room.
"Sorry, sorry. I better go find my son. He loves me just the way I am..."
Alex and Nick smiled at each other and sat down.
"Can I make you something to eat? You missed breakfast and lunch is a ways off..."
"Actually, I was thinking of spending some quality time with my girl this morning. Thought I might take her out for brunch. Unless there are big plans around here..."
Laura smiled at them.
"No, sweetie. I think that's a lovely idea. It'll help take your mind off things." She looked at Alex, her smile a little more sympathetic. "The storm's cleared too, so it'd be a nice day to wander around, see some more sights."
"I think we may just do that. I imagine we'll be back before 3 or 4 though. Do you need me to pick up anything for the big dinner?"
"Nope, it's all taken care of. Just bring yourselves and some big smiles. It's going to be a good feast!"
They made their way outside, Alex trying to picture a meal that could top the ones she'd already experienced so far during their visit. It seemed inconceivable and she said as much to Nick as they approached the Durango. He laughed.
"Oh, it'll be impressive. Just wait and see."
As they reached the vehicle, Nick grabbed Alex's hand and turned her around to face him. He pulled her into his arms, smiling down at her, the love shining in his eyes.
"Thanks for... For what you did back there. Covering for me..."
She smiled back and leaned into his chest, hugging him tightly. "Anytime, Nick. Anytime."
He kissed the top of her head and she leaned back, feeling happier all of a sudden. Maybe the dark cloud really had started to pass.
Nick dangled the keys in front of her.
"Want to drive?" He smiled encouragingly. "It's a nice ride, darlin'. I'd hate for you to miss out."
She grabbed the keys and scooted around to the driver's side. "I thought you'd never ask!"
He laughed and climbed into the passenger seat, grinning at her. They pulled out of the driveway and made their way into Dallas.