God damn it. God fucking damn it.
Fred slams the car door shut and stands in the mansion's driveway for a while, his own shadow from the house's lights stretching out into the road.
He couldn't tell him. He'd been so sure, he'd been so ready, and Honey had her hand on his shoulder and he was more confident than ever, and- and then-
"Shit," he hisses, because there's so much flying through his mind that he can't focus on anything. Rubbing at his eyes, he finally makes his way inside and heads to his room.
What was the plan? He was supposed to tell him, right? He was going to tell him everything, and no matter how he reacted at least he'd know, and that- that would be better, wouldn't it? It'd be better than always worrying, always freaking out about what he might say or do, and he already has Honey on his side, so for a while he felt like he could do anything, but suddenly it's-
It's all-
Fred's in his room, he's standing in his room and he doesn't remember getting there, and he didn't see Heathcliff but the guy's probably around, somewhere, and should Fred find him? Should he ask him for help? Should he ask him what are you supposed to DO when thoughts are screaming so loud you can't hear anything else, or when you feel like your chest is burning up and you deserve it, or when you're so scared you can hardly breathe-
When a conversation flashes through your mind and every memory is cutting at you like knives-
Tadashi has his own problems. Fred stares at the mirror above his dresser for a while, watching his own unblinking eyes; all this time, he's been causing trouble and shit with his stupid, disgusting, awful mess of problems, while Tadashi's been dealing with something legitimate, something painful and not his fault at all, and he's been dealing with it because he's strong and normal and he's not a pitiful freak. And Fred never noticed he was hurting. Fred was only thinking about his own issues. Fred made him relive the worst part of his life.
Tadashi still doesn't know. He slams a fist down on top of the dresser, but it's not enough, and suddenly he grabs the top of the furniture and pulls, and the whole thing crashes down to the side but it doesn't even break- he's lying, he's lying to his best friend and he promised Honey he'd tell him, promised he'd work to make things better, promised he could do this, he was going to move forward and fix things because Heath believes in him and Honey believes in him. But he couldn't say anything, so he just sat there with a stupid look on his face and tried not to hate himself as Tadashi poured out his soul.
(And Tadashi mentioned how protective he was of Hiro, and that's sticking in Fred's mind for some reason, but it- it doesn't matter, because Fred's not thinking about that, he's not- he doesn't have- Hiro isn't- he's not-)
He stares down at the upturned dresser, as the last and most damning thought makes its way to the surface. His breath freezes in his throat.
Tadashi was alone, and young, and hurt, and vulnerable.
Holy shit. This is- it's dark, it's darker than anything he's felt before, and he paces the room. He paces the room. He paces the room. Back and forth, over and over, hoping he can drown out the thoughts as they pour through, but he can't.
The image keeps coming through, of a kid who's lost everything, and he's- he's scared, and he needs someone to help him, someone to-
Fuck, he's digging his fingernails into his palms, breathing faster, so scared, so scared, can't handle this, can't keep doing this, because he suddenly realizes that it feels good to think about that, that it's attractive.
It's almost tempting to think it's normal, that he's feeling pity and sympathy and appreciating how difficult it must be for a young kid to go through that. But no, it goes deeper than that, because he doesn't just want to imagine a kid being comforted, he wants to be there, he wants to be the one to… to take care of him, to be there, to…
-take advantage of-
He's crying, he realizes, he's sobbing and shaking on his feet- Heathcliff help how do you stop yourself from THINKING- and this is all so insane, and he can never tell Tadashi, never, there's no way he can- even Honey, she'd hate him if she knew how deep it goes, how screwed-up the whole thing is.
They would all hate him.
They should.
…
Their faces are flashing through his mind. Hiro's there too, suddenly. He can see Hiro's face, clearly, and he's- Hiro is-
…What the fuck.
He honestly thought he was doing better. He thought things were looking up, even when Go Go hit him, and suddenly he feels like he's dying of thirst, hunger, something he needs and can't have. It's almost funny, in a way. He's always been seen as the druggie, but he actually hasn't touched weed in his life. But he'd give his right arm for something right now, something to help him stop freaking out.
Well, there is… something.
It just hurts too much. So he doesn't think. He lets the numb feeling take over, and soon, he finds himself in front of the computer screen.
He can't hold out forever. He needs something. Just enough to dull the pain for a while.
Click.
...
...
...
Click.
...
...
...
Writing. Thousands of words, flying past the screen. Stories written for a very specific purpose.
Click.
Stories written for people like him.
…
…
…
Click.
...
...
...
He's not crying anymore.
…
…
…
And when it's over, when he's standing under the shower-head and the cold water shocks his shivering skin, he realizes something. He's not angry, like he used to feel. He's not disgusted, or ashamed, or filled with fury at himself.
He doesn't feel anything.
There's an ache in his limbs and in his head, but more than that, it's as if his mind itself is tired. Tired, even though he knows sleep won't change anything. He'll be just as worn-out the next day. Briefly, the idle thought slips past: what if he just didn't wake up?
Maybe it's the exhaustion, or maybe it's the echoing feeling of what he's just done. Either way, he can't stop thinking about it- what it would really be like, to never have to face this again. To just... let everything go.
To take away the hurt, and the guilt, and the sickness, and the worry and the lying and the hiding and apologizing and everything else, forever. To stop.
For once, simply to stop.
Fred lets his head slide forward, knocking gently against the slick wall, and he closes his eyes. The water keeps falling as he tries not to think at all.
And once the water turns off, and he's completely alone in the bathroom, he stares at the mirror for a moment before pulling it open. The shelves inside hold a host of different medications, courtesy of money and necessity.
He stares for a moment, even taking one of the bottles off the top shelf and glancing at the label. Another few seconds pass, and he puts it back and closes the cupboard.
Feeling, then nothing. Back and forth. Like something's building up, something crouching at the back of his mind, something… inevitable. A brush with destiny. Like something's coming on the horizon that he can't escape. And every conversation, every bad night, every stray thought that pushes him towards self-loathing and worry- it all just adds to the effect.
Not for the first time, he imagines he's falling, and no matter what he tries to do, he can't stop.
When he gets back to his room, he catches sight of his phone on the bed. He can't- he can't bring himself to have another one of these conversations. Not with Honey, and definitely not with Tadashi. Still, though, he wants to talk. For real, just- just talk.
Maybe somebody else. Maybe someone who doesn't know everything, who won't pry and worry if he pretends everything's fine. He can even throw in some jokes and keep it light. Because he's a good actor; he's so good it makes him sick, and he can cover up everything with jokes and smiles, even when Tadashi Hamada is being as honest as any human has ever been Fred can still act like he's fine.
And he's going to do it again, right now. A half a conversation, with half an admission, and half a lie. And he'll get away with it.
He taps out the keys, but it doesn't seem to matter. Maybe he's 'reaching out for help' or whatever, but- isn't it kind of pointless? He should be better, because talking with friends and letting this stuff out is supposed to help, and earlier in the morning things really seemed to be looking up, but… it's not working. Honey and Tadashi are reaching out to him. They're doing the right things. It should be working. Why isn't it working?
It must be his own fault.