and nothing but the truth
chapter twenty-six
It can be said that James is rather talented at avoiding people: Gideon whenever he was at headquarters, Remus after he'd been "outed", and now Lily.
However, it can also be said that James is terrible at keeping his mouth shut when something is truly bothering him, and so that is where we find him now, complaining to Sirius in a tiny apartment in Dublin.
"And I haven't seen her since," James finishes, much to the chagrin of his friend. "What is that look for?"
"This is the 'my best friend's a whopping idiot' look," Sirius says rather flatly, crossing his arms and leaning back in the big puce-colored armchair he is currently occupying. James is seated in a matching sofa across from it. "How much damage could you do, Prongs? Moving in while she still has a boyfriend?"
James let loose a frustrated growl. "I said I didn't do it on purpose, Sirius, what more do you need?"
"I dunno, maybe a 'Gee, I won't overwhelm her right now' kind of thing?" Sirius suggests sarcastically.
The 19 year-old watches his friend skeptically. "Why are you suddenly so defensive of Lily? I thought you said you didn't like her."
Sirius heaves a great sigh, and looks at the floor, back up, and at the floor again. He opens and closes his mouth several times before saying, "Well, she's kind of grown on me. She reminds me of Rachel."
"Holy -" James slumps into the sofa and seizes fistfuls of his hair in irritation. "Do not bring that – don't bring her up."
"I'm offended."
"Offended because I never want to hear my current love interest compared to Rachel?"
"A tad, yeah." Sirius shrugs, and lets it slide. There's no use bringing up old arguments.
James seems to have the same attitude because he doesn't respond, merely looks thoughtfully out the window and into the distance. He can see the international airport from where he is, and accompanied by the sight is a feeling of utter discontent.
"This is the last place I want to be," he admits. "I wish I was with her right now, so I could know what she was thinking about."
Sirius lets out a long woosh of breath and regards his friend seriously. "You've got in bad, mate," he declares finally, getting up from his seat. He strides across the room and snaps the blinds shut; James turns his attention away from the window. "I suggest you come up with a game plan."
"Well, I dunno if I can, now that I know she's just another Rachel," James grumbles, a sour expression on his face.
"Stop outing. I'm serious."
James arranges his expression into that of a polite listener, prompting an eye roll from his friend, and replies demurely, "Do go on, Mr. Black."
Sirius sniffs. "Well. Fire of all, you're not going to get anywhere with your rash actions. You need to take it slow."
"Because that worked before."
"Yes, it probably would have if you actually had done it. Anyway, right now she's confused. She clearly has some feelings for you, but she's still got Remus, and, from the looks of things, they've been together a long time."
James winces; he doesn't need reminding. "So what do you propose I do?" he asks, slightly less sarcastic now.
"Make friends with her," Sirius tells him sincerely. "Help her with her homework, or ask for her help with yours. Tell her a little about your mum and dad. Bring her to the park. Be the best friend you can be, don't hit on her, and for god's sake stop avoiding her."
"You want me to take her to the park."
"The dog park, even. You can take Blackie along."
James rolls his eyes, and Sirius whaps him upside the head.
"See, this is why you're in this position," he scolds, dropping onto the sofa. "You don't have an open mind."
Before James can respond, Sirius flops back in the armchair, dangling his legs over the side, and adds, "Just listen to me. Lord knows it would be the first time."
"What, you think I just ignore everything you say?" James snaps, his eyes hardening. There is a tense silence before his friend answers.
"You're always doing illogical things, James. You're going to a Muggle university when I've told you time and time again that it's a waste of time. Your love life is all one big drama show – don't you think I might be a little tired of it?"
"Oh, because you're one to talk," the older teen says snarkily. "You with your mood swings, and always changing your mind about people, and leaping before you look."
Sirius laughs harshly, but he is affronted and James knows it. "Leaping before I look, eh? That's ironic, coming from you. I half-expected you'd learn from your mistakes, you know?"
"What, because you saw that coming? You think I don't still think about it everyday, Sirius, you think -" James clenches his fists and lowers his voice. "You think I don't hate everything that happened? You're the one who said I should try to make things right, you said I should talk to Rachel."
"Because it's easier," Sirius snarls, and he is truly acting in umbrage now. They haven't had a full-on argument for a long time, not since he was a seventh year and James was just starting at Cardiff. And as much as he wants to avoid old wounds, Sirius has had enough. "But now I'm saying that things could change. If you want them to, you have to stop being so bloody proud about it."
"There you go, changing your mind again. I don't get you sometimes, Sirius, I really don't."
The young man in the armchair snorts and says, "Well, no one bloody does. But that's probably because I'm so damn moody, isn't it?"
James's mouth tilts down in a scowl. "Well, I can share my honest opinion, can't I? Aren't we best mates?" The way he stresses "best mates" makes it sound twisted and nasty. There is a whisper-thing vein of anger coursing through his heart, and he feels vindictive and cruel.
It's impossible to say how it escalated to this, the implosion of the conversation, a few words here and there leading to the exposure of issues left too long untended.
Sirius lets out a shuddering breath and says stiffly, "Yeah, that we are."
"Then maybe you should let me make my decisions on my own, because I already know what I did was stupid. I don't need you to tell me that."
"What's stupid, James?" Sirius asks, sitting up. "What's stupid, what you did to Lily or what you did to Rachel?"
There is a long pause. "Why do you keep bringing her up?" James asks softly, dangerously. This is quickly becoming risky, and they both know it. But Sirius pushes on.
"Are you finally willing to admit there might be a link between the two? Because until you do, I can't see why I wouldn't bring her up. I was part of it, too, James. I cared about her. Or do you even care about that? It's all about you?"
"What, so you're just going to keep a grudge against me because of the past," James says flatly. His heart is beating a million miles a minute. He doesn't want to think about this, not about his rash actions, or his confession, or Sirius's utter disappointment. He desperately wishes for a subject change.
As it turns out, he gets his wish.
"Cor," Sirius says, suddenly pale and quiet. "Last time I tried to keep a grudge against someone, he offed himself."
There is a long, chilled silence, and the previous argument is forgotten. Goosebumps rise on James's skin; for a moment he doesn't comprehend. And when he does, he feels sick to his stomach.
"Reg -"
"He switched sides, you know," Sirius says in a rush, though his voice is still deathly thin and his eyes averted toward the ceiling. "He didn't have the guts to keep going and he got himself killed instead. Stupid bastard."
Another pause, and James shivers.
"Anyway, it's not… fuck, I dunno…"
"How did you find out?" James asks softly. Sirius blinks and pinches the bridge of his nose in a valiant effort to maintain his composure.
"I got a letter from my mum, guess she wanted to make sure I knew how much I'd 'ruined' him before I left…"
James swears under his breath and pushes his own worries to the back of his mind. It's hard to know what to say – to someone whose family was both his bane and yet his impetus for change, somehow "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. He finally asks, "Are you dealing with it alright?"
"No," Sirius says. He's crying.