Chapter 25

Spark Felt

Note: I'm sorry this one took longer, this one was a hard one to write. I really couldn't risk screw this one up so I took some extra time on it. Thanks for being patient. Reviewer of the day is C: Yeah I like how emotional Jazz got and I glad to explore that more in this chapter. I like how attached he is to Closelens and oh boy do they have a road of head of them. I'm glad all you can join me.

When I woke up I don't know ware I was and it hurt to move. But when I did try there was one place above all else. It all came back in a rush of information. The party, The Prime, Jazz, the high grade alcohol, Jazz again,-

Springer...

What Springer said

What Springer did.

I tried to pull my knees together but it hurt, pain spreading faster then wild fire straight to the spark. I was numb but I also felt everything. Phantom hands pinning me down making me helpless replaying in my mind my voice blowing out because I couldn't scream loud enough for my master to hear or worse care. I felt hollow inside used and discarded. Given to Ratchet to clean up the pieces and try to put me back together so Jazz might still want me...

Then everything made a little more sense. Why was Jazz training me, why he bothered with a nothing Con.

Jazz was going to do this anyways it was clear to me. it's why he trained me not fear his touch but to fear disobedience fear disappointing him or casing him to be unhappy. It's why he fed me Energon, to build trust, a promise to provide.

... and why he made me all pretty... H-He was going to turn me into some disgusting berth toy.

Primus it's why he didn't want me to be scared of the Berth, the whole 'I had nothing to fear' slag was just a lie. Who knows maybe he was hoping to train me to like it.

Like that the tears started to roll. It hurt to move but it hurt just as bad to think. I looked at myself, I had a new unpainted, chest plating new wrist plating. I but I was still highly sensitive to touch.

Jazz doesn't care about me. He never has, I'm just some sick game and nothing more. Just like the wrecker did, he was just honest about it...

I felt angry, I felt betrayed. My spark wanted me to claw it from my chest and tare it out so it would stop hurting. I felt sick and dirty, I needed to get clean but I was frozen to the berth. I felt like my body would crumble if I tried to stand.

Jazz lied to me... he promised I would make it he promised I'd be taken care of if I just obeyed. Primus I even believed he'd get me a apprenticeship with Sunstreaker. It was all just to hold over me.

My spark felt dirty, I felt disgusting. My seal was destroyed my life force violated. Something that was meant to be shared with someone I cared about and trusted was taken harvested without care or love. After everything I've been through, I'm only what people value in my form nothing more.

I slowly brought my shaky servos to my chest, I felt a light sting but I wanted to clean myself. I wanted to scrub by spark of Springers repulsive touch burning inside me more then the pain of anything else. But I couldn't open up my chest until I was better.

I made a whining sound, I couldn't wait that long! I need it now!

I started venting heavily as I started to sobbing like a sparkling. I couldn't help it I just wanted to feel clean again I don't think I could take it. Out of the few things I ask for in life can this, just once be one I get no strings attached.

I suddenly heard the door open making me freak I wanted to pull away I couldn't face Jazz like this.

Oh no.

No no no no he told me to come back after I purged in the Washrack. Dose that count as disobedience?

I heard footsteps...

Will he punish me?

Primus if he only wanted me as a berth toy... would... would this decrease my value? Oh no what if he doesn't want me anymore without a seal? My mind was a fog, how could I prove to him I was still useful? I don't want to be sold off, but I can't do this all over again. But I also don't want him to sell me.

But I- but I don't want him to try and entertain himself with me...

I felt like purging again.

Jazz's P.O.V

He looked up to me with the same look as before. I wanted to hug him I wanted to drop and plead for his forgiveness. But this wasn't about me and making it so would be selfish. Primus know I got that already covered...

He needed someone strong to lean on for protection and comfort not... not the mess back I was in Ratchets office. But he didn't need no master either. I very slowly and very gently held his hand bringing it away from his chest and closer to me. He probably wanted to tare it out. Forced Spark merges were- on the victim- emotionally pain energy zapping.

"Easy Closelens, easy." I whispered he looked at me optics welling up all over again and he cracked.

"I'm sorry," he said "I-I was going to come back, I didn't mean to disobey master, I promise... please don't hurt me."

Hearing that made me want to huge him here and now but I know he was in to much pain and irrefutably wants any physical contact. Holding his had would be all not wanting to push him even slightly. He needed me, I wanted him to need me. But not like this. My stomach turned as dark memories flashed but I shoved it aside.

My Closelens was hurt... really hurt.

"No, don't you apologize to me, None of this was your fault." I said calmly stroking his hand. "It's over, I won't hurt you. I promise..."

It was hard not to get emotional, some of it slipped out throw my voice and mannerism.

"Jazz, where were you. I screamed for you, why didn't you come?" He said weakly. Something in me broke and I couldn't fight off the tears. Guilt flooded me, washed over and swept me up.

"I'm so so sorry, this wasn't supposed to happen. I failed to be there when you needed me. I deserve no forgiveness for that and-and if you wish it, I will place you into another Masters hands one who will treat you better then I ever did." I went to stroke his helm out of pure habit when he made a hard flinch back with a gasping sob. I got back a soon as I relied how I must have sounded to the frightened slave.

"Don't sell me don't sell me don't sell me please!" He cried out "I'm so so so sorry Master I can make you happy I can, give me a chance please please please don't sell me!"

"..." I just looked at the horror on his face trying to hold off my field. "Closelens, that's not what I meant. You make me happy but if you don't want to stay with me I can-"

"Don't leave me again!" He sobbed "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-" he started freaking out, his voice first each word with scratchy static. In any other scenario I'd probably find it cute or amusing but... this wasn't fun anymore. He tried to come back to me and nuzzles my hand as a apology.

"Please listen to me, I know a mech by the name of Hotshot. He's a activist like Ratchet... he's all for equal rights he refuses to get a Decepticon out of principle. He would treat you as a equal. He's not in Iacon at the moment but when he gets back you can meet him. And if you chose you can go with him if you no longer feel safe with me." I made sure to explain it nice and slow so he understood. He went quietly...

"It's okay pet," I said as smoothly as I could. He's field was a mess, he was flaring all the emotional trauma you could think of in random directions. He didn't stop nuzzling my hand I thought to pull away but I didn't want him to think I was mad. I just need to let him tire himself out so we could talk.

He settled down after a while. His sobbing got quieter.

"Please... I-I-If you're going to k-kill me... Please just send me to The Well Autobot Jazz, I don't want to play anymore," he said softly.

"Shhhhh Closelens, your safe..." I said fighting everything in me to brake down again. This was all me... I did this. But chose to do the one thing I know I can do right.

I sang to him.

"Your not alone together we stand I'll be by your side you know I'll take your hand-" he like every other time got quieter. I know he liked my voice, I know nothing I could ever say could make this better. Nothing I do could make him feel hole again.

Something was robbed and it wasn't coming back.

"When it gets cold and it feels like the end, with you by my side I won't give in,"

I have that gift to stop the spark with my voice but I had a gift to sooth it too. But that didn't have to do with any gift but a talent. As a torcher you need to control everything. When I lose it people get hurt in unimaginable ways I-

I can't even bring myself to say it, I'm that pathetic.

"Keep holding on, cuz I know we'll make I throw, make it through," I continue to sing gently.

I'm that horrible. I'm so fraged up that I'm seeking a middle ground with a mech who doesn't even know agent there will. All because I'm a selfish monster who doesn't deserve a gift like Closelens.

"Just stay strong, cuz I'm here for you, here for you,"

He makes me happy, to find love in being wanted. I crave being needed but I'm to much of a cowered to attempt to form a meaning relationship. Primus I never even asked Prime. I just... I know he's to good for me. I know Prime is emotionally tone deaf who doesn't even know what a hint was but-

...Not now this isn't about me feeling sorry for myself. And it seriously wasn't OP fault.

"There's nothing you you can say when it comes to the truth-"

No it was mine and I needed to make some real changes. I need to win him over before Hotshot come back at the end of the month. It's the only chance I have of keeping him. I plan on honouring whatever he chooses but... Primus I wanted him to stay.

I'll fix this, I do whatever it takes to keep him here.

He makes me happy.

It's only fare I extend the favour, he need me more then ever now. And if I have to start over then so be it, I needed a new plan. I can do this... after all the horrible I've done I can do this.

Ratchet's P.O.V

I wish I could trust him, I really wish I could... I had Rumble doing sweep up in that area just in case something bad happens. I don't want the microscope getting hurt in any way, especially in my hospital.

I also had a live-feed system so I could look in on these personal talks, Hidden cameras. Of corse it was Soundwave's idea. He knew I was paranoid about someones Master hurting my patients right out from under me. But the only thing I saw was Jazz singing to his slave.

"- comes to a end, with you by my side I'll fight and defend-"

Poor kids, both of them. I know this hadn't been easy for Jazz, he's always had issues letting go. So him willing to give him up to Hotshot was kinda a big deal.

He wasn't the same mech as before the war. I don't know all the details but I knew some of the stuff he was going through. His missions always pushed him to more and more. On day he didn't come back the same, he had to hack someone.

Then he had to kill a members of his garrison so they wouldn't talk when they got captured once.

He became desperate to win the war never wanted to mercy kill ever again. I get it but... he went to far using unsanctioned torture methods. I knew he was... raping the prisoner but... Jazz was insisting that we were getting the intel that we needed to win. I couldn't keep quiet He pulled rank and ordered me to keep prisoner health files private. Only I was aloud to see them.

What started with one became more... forced into silence only extended the guilt I felt. I'd be lying if I said I did hate him. I did, it though he was a monster. And he only proved me right over and over again.

But Jazz was the one to brake first, he came to me one day completely shattered, something happened. He was on his knees begging me for help, for forgiveness that he was scared of the person he is. He told me that he became a torture because he liked seeing others in pain. He was starting to get worse but didn't go into detail...

I told him that he needed to go to Optimus if he ever wanted to start making things up to me. Tell Prime and seek his giddiness and come clean about everything and seek help.

The next day he wasn't at the prisons.

He did everything I asked but I know few details about it, he started talking to me more. He was a emotional mess I don't know if I forgive him for Silencing me but I feel sorry for him.

It considered me when all this happened , suddenly he was allowed to pick a slave to let loose with no repercussions. What's in that room is the moment of truth, this would be his point of no return but he genuinely loved that little mech.

I watched Jazz sing to him slowly and softly some stupid pop song. But His slave seemed to like it. He stopped crying to listen, like a big sweet sparkling.

I was almost proud how nice Jazz was being, normally Jazz isn't nice while 'at work' but this was sweet. Jazz really did want to protect this little guy. Wether it just him seeking redemption or otherwise was genuine spark felt remorse.

And it's a tragedy it had to get this bad...

Poor kids.

Closelens P.O.V

"Here me when I say I believe, nothing gonna change nothing gonna change destiny-"

I never wanted to interrupt him, he had such a nice voice...

I felt grey on the inside. Pits this all felt like a horrible horrible dream. Such pain couldn't be real no one could survive this Yet here I was.

I know his dirty little secrets...

I can't let him know I know. If so he might... he might skip a few steps in his master plan. Whatever that means to me has yet to be seen but I can't afford to take a risk.

"La da da da, la da da da, la da da da da da da da da da-"

Primus, I honestly don't think I could survive this if I did.

His song was optimistic, I didn't feel trapped like they usually make me feel.

What do I feel...

I don't know what to think anymore. My mind was confused mess, a emotional blur. But numb all over, there was only pain and memory. Overlapping but still not completely coming over to reality. Jazz was gently, his field occasionally ebbed of guilt and anger. But nothing but soothing vibes to me directly. He wanted me to be ok...

Why?

I was nothing, I am nothing. Just something to play with so what did I matter. My sanity wasn't a priority I'd think he'd care about. Just so long as he was amused I couldn't be allowed to live.

My mind had a thought.

What if this amused him...

"Keeping holding on-"

I chocked back a audible sob at the idea he found any of this amusing. It sounded to likely for comfort. What dose it matter anymore, why fight. I'll never be more then my body allows for. I'm a toy and nothing more.

This mech couldn't feel anything for me. Now I'm rendered useless I don't I'll last much longer. He'll get bored and I'll die.

I'll finally be free...

Jazz's P.O.V

He hid nothing from me, he just wanted to giving up. I couldn't stand to see him like this, he had no perseverance to live.

But still he just let himself relax on the med berth quietly. Even with everything. He didn't need to be strong, he could fall apart he could hurl insults at me and I wouldn't care. He was here, Springer didn't kill him and he made it through all this. I'd be devised if it all ended here.

The joy he gives me... I wanted to be selfish and keep him but this different now. I owe it to Closelens. I need to be better.

I had a month to prove myself.

"Cuz I know we'll make it through, make it through."