Ugh. I'm sorry. I made myself cry. I'm sorry.
"Light will return to the dark."
"Light will return to the dark."
"Light will return to the dark."
Over and over again the phrase starts to become more common. I've heard it many times. Why have I heard it so many times? I think harder and I remember the first time I heard it. My nephew was wearing a new face. An older face. The twelfth. We had just gone through so much with Missy and the cybermen again. Meta and I were fresh back from the dead.
"Forgive me," I whisper. "It means forgive me."
Whatever this phrase is, it will happen for the Doctor sometime after his wedding with River and sometime before Clara loses Danny. That doesn't narrow it down too much. But the universe is bleeding. Even after sealing the crack in the universe that River reopened by refusing to follow the timeline properly. There are wounds everywhere and we keep finding them. The more wounds we find, the more my head seems to hurt.
There is less and less relief. The pain is becoming more and more of a constant.
My son drags his sister around the console room singing outrageously in stark contrast to my inner thoughts.
"Red! The blood of angry men! Black! The dark of aGes past!"
I laugh at their antics and she joins him.
"Red! The color of desire! Black! The color ooooooofffff despaaaaaaair!"
Meta and the Doctor applaud them and they bow. The TARDIS hums in amusement.
There is an alert that sound and we all turn our attention to the screen.
"Move. I can't see!" Scarlett pushes at Hunter.
"That's because you're short and I'm the superior twin."
"Shut up."
I seperate them by grabbing their ears. "How about you both shut up so we can concentrate?"
"Yes ma'am," they say in unison.
We have been scanning for more wounds. Another has made itself known. Here we go again…
DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW
The planet we end up on is near Trenzalore. It is the same sector and it pains me to know, that just a million miles to the left, my family died. The original Doctor, and my beautiful friend Rose Tyler are both buried in the soil there. I think perhaps I am as well. Perhaps many generations are.
"This crack is exuding massive energy levels," Meta says worryingly after inspecting the results on the sonic screwdriver.
"Don't they all?" my daughter asks incredulously.
My son looks over his father's shoulder and whistles. "They do. But this is beyond anything else we've seen."
My husband and I do the math together. I put my hands to my head to ease the ache that is steadily growing. "Perhaps you should go back to the TARDIS, love. The children and I can handle it."
I roll my eyes. "You'd all be lost without me."
"True. Which is why I think maybe it'd be best for you to rest. The pain is getting worse."
Scarlet places her hands on my shoulders. "Mum. Do you think the pain could have anything to do with the crack? It seems like any time we're near one, your mind flares up."
We all look at each other. "It's possible," I respond.
Meta drags us back to the ship for tests. The old girl hums comfortingly to me. The tension in the console room grows steadily. Hunter calls his cousin and the Doctor arrives shortly after with Clara in tow. My eyes are growing ever more heavy, and the world outside is burning around us. The crack is steadily growing.
I'm startled awake when Meta shouts in anger. My daughter is crying and my son rushes to my side to hold my hand. "Meta?"
He calms himself and comes over to me. He takes a deep breath and tears sting his eyes. "The crack...it's.."
His voice is shaky. I take my hand and brush his hair back. He looks me in the eyes. "The crack is growing quickly. The energy coming off of that is a match to you. The void stuff that is deeply bonded into your genetic makeup… it's...it's holding the crack open."
"So...wait. I'm the reason we can't close the cracks?"
The Doctor joins the explanation. "In large part, yes. This would've happened a lot sooner, but you've regenerated before and it's slowed the process down. Your body right now is fighting the need to return to the void. That's why you're in pain. Eventually, the pain will kill you, and you'll regenerate again. But that will only slow this event down."
"And in the meantime the cracks will keep opening and pulling everything in, killing and destroying." I feel hollow as I say it. So many lives have been lost and it's my fault. If I didn't already feel like I was dying i would feel sick to my stomach at the thought.
"How do we stop it?" Clara asks.
The Doctor, my dear nephew, looks at me in pain. "We can't. Even if she regenerates, it's a temporary solution."
"Perhaps that can buy us time then," Clara states.
I turn my attention inwardly and I know that regenerating won't buy much time. But I also feel that regeneration is just around the corner. "We don't have much time before I have to regenerate anyway. I'm most likely going to have to force one through any minute now. We're too close to the crack, and the pull is too strong."
Meta holds me close. "And if you regenerate this close to the crack, the push and pull of the void stuff is going to be circulating too much for us to be able to slow the process and buy much time anyway."
"So what you're saying is, is that the only way to close the cracks completely, is for my mother to go back to the void?" My son looks at me in disbelief.
My grip tightens on Meta. Tears prick my eyes as the memory of that place pushes forward. So dark. So cold. Just...nothing. "I can't," I whisper under my breath. My husband pulls me closer. "You won't."
My son and the Doctor huddle together in what seems to be an almost angry conversation. "Hunter?" I say.
He looks at me. "Yes mum?"
"It's ok. Do not be angry with your cousin. There's nothing we can do. I've lived a long life. It might be best for me to return…" I trail off as it makes sense. "Oh."
They all look at me confused. "Light will return to the dark." I look at Meta. "I have to go back."
He shakes his head. "No. No. We can figure this out."
"Shhh. Help me outside."
I push and prod them until they all help me out. The crack has a completely new and ominous look to it now. Dangerous and unfathomable.
I turn to Clara and hug her. "Don't lose yourself child. Don't let yourself forget that the universe is more than war. Be kind. Be you. Don't let yourself become something you're not."
I hug my nephew then. "Oh Doctor. It's ok."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Shhh. Please know that I forgive you ok? It is not your fault. You have nothing to ask forgiveness for."
My daughter rushes into my arms of her own accord. "I'm not ready to lose you yet."
I stroke my fingers through her hair. "Oh darling. No one is ever ready. But you have a chance to say goodbye. Remember. You are beautiful and I am proud of you and I love you with all my heart."
I walk into my sons arms next. He has gotten so tall. "Try to stay out of trouble dear."
He huffs a water laugh. "You know me. I'm going to rush headlong into danger if it means my family will be safe. Like parents like child. You can't blame me for the examples you set."
I laugh. "But seriously. Be safe. I love you."
"I love you too."
Meta and I come together like the two parts of a whole that we are. His forehead presses to mind. "I know what you're thinking, and the answer is no."
"Who said I'd ask permission?"
I pull back to look at him seriously. "They can't lose both of us today. They have too much to learn yet. You can't follow me. Not this time."
He sighs. "But oh how I want to." He kisses me then. As fiercely as he can in this moment, knowing it is the last time. "I love you," he whispers.
"I love you too."
I turn away and begin to walk toward the crack. I turn to look at my family. My son and daughter are embracing. Even from here I can see how white her knuckles are. The Doctor is tense. My husband musters a smile at me and I hold onto that as I push a regeneration into my synapses. I know that doing this so close to the crack will destroy me. I can only hope that I don't survive it.
"Don't!"
"Wait!"
I hear the shouts and open my eyes just in time to see Hunter barrel toward me. His fingertips reach my temples and I feel him push a regenerative energy of his own into me as he pulls mine into him.
"No," I whimper.
"I'm sorry mum. But you know me," I hear in my mind. "I know of the void, and no one should face it more than once. You taught me that. I can't let you face it again. Our family needs you."
I feel as I change, my entire body shifting as my cells are reborn. He pushes me away from him and I can see the pain twist on his face. I fight to keep my eyes open as Clara catches me and holds me. The Doctor holds Meta back from rushing forward. My daughters back is turned as tears stream down her face.
My eyes land on my son again. "Goodbye," he mouths, and I scream as the void swallows him and the crack turns in on itself, disappearing as if it was never there.
Silence permeates the air around us, and it is then that I can no longer take it and the world goes black.