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Chapter Twenty Six: Dream
I woke up startled in Quinn's spare bedroom. My heart was beating faster than usual and I could feel a sweat form above my brow. I looked up to see a blurred blonde sitting at the edge of my bed, staring at me. I rubbed my eyes to try and erase the blurryness that covered my eyes;
"Q, I just had a fucking crazy dream. I dreamed I came down to you and Berry macking out and then the door rang and I opened it and Britt was there... Then I fainted and it was all so surreal... But it t was so fucking real you know?"
My mouth felt like it was electronically powered like a motor as it kept babbling on. An itch formed at the back of my neck and I removed my hands from my eyes before looking back to the blonde. A hand stroked up my leg and shivers spread throughout my body.
"Whoah Q, no touchy feely. You got Berry for tha..."
My heart stopped, causing my breath to hitch and for me to double over coughing erratically. Sapphire eyes glared at me and suddenly it felt like a pressure had been lifted off my chest, but at the same time I was being crushed. It was like there was too much pain that I'd become immune to it, the dull ache had overwhelmed my body so much that I just couldn't feel it anymore.
"Hey." The blue eyed angel spoke, her hand still sliding up my leg.
"Um.. H-hii."
I said the words awkwardly, not quite believing who was in front of my eyes. I withdrew my leg from under her hand and tucked it, along with my other, under my chin. My mouth dropped open as I studied her perfect features, the high cheekbones, perfectly pink lips, piercing azure eyes and shining golden locks that draped over her shoulder. It barely looked like she'd aged since I saw her.
"You fainted so I brought you up here."
She said, her eyes clouded with something I hadn't seen since the t-shirt incident at our lockers in high school. I recognised it to be sadness.
"This has to be a dream. This is a dream."
I uttered under my breath, wrapping my arms around my legs and hugging them close to my body. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to wake myself. This couldn't be real. I was there, right there, she was dead - completely lifeless on the hospital bed. No heartbeat. No essence of my Brittany.
"San?"
"Don't. You're not here, you're not real. I can't handle losing you again. I barely survived the first time and this dream is so fucking real when I wake up I'm going to fall apart all over again. I just can't B, I can't."
For the first time, since I can remember, I started crying. Tears started streaming down my cheeks as I could feel the wound re-opening. The dull ache jumped out of the sewn up gash left by her death and started seeping through my arteries. It attacked my lungs and started suffocating me, closing my airways slowly as I realised that when I woke up she wouldn't be sitting in front of me, looking more beautiful than I remembered - which I thought would be physically impossible.
As I sobbed into my knees, eyes crushed against my caps, long, slender arms wrapped themselves around me and pulled me into a tight embrace. I inhaled, the vanilla and coconut scent that I only knew to well almost intoxicated me. I couldn't help but melt into the hug that I'd longed for for so many years.
"It's not a dream, I'm real. I'm here. Look, you're touching me honey, I'm right here. Always have been."
Her voice was so melodic, it sent a soothing wave crashing over my body - healing any remnent of pain that was left by her death.
"But... You... You died... No... Heartbeat... Breathing... Gone."
I sobbed between each word, taking a quick breath before spitting out the sentence that didn't make sense. Her palms slid to my shoulders, pushing me back and grabbing my face between her hands. I could taste the salty water on my upper lip, her breath washed over my face, sending me into a sea of calm. The tears slowed down as her baby blue eyes stared into my chocolate brown ones. I could see all the memories we'd ever had together run over her mind as her eyes sparkled at me.
"Santana. I'm here."
She pulled me into her chest before lying both of us down. I was curled up against her body, just crying into her shirt. My fists were clenched around her black cardigan and we lay there while I just cried out all the pain I'd bottled up over the last few years, the scars tearing open at the sheer aroma of the blonde underneath me.
Several hours later, I awoke, in the same position that I'd fallen asleep in. I took a deep breath, and a coconut and vanilla aroma filled my nose. I glanced up, lifting my head slightly to see the beautiful blonde soundly asleep.
This is real. She's here. Right now, with you.
"If this is still a dream it's a pretty fucking elaborate one." I muttered to myself.
Slowly, I removed my arms that were in a vice tight grip around her waist and pushed up on my palms. I hovered over her for a few seconds, our faces only inches away and I stared at her, taking in every gorgeous feature on her face. She mumbled in her sleep and turned over on her side, my arms whipped away instantly in order to make sure she didn't wake up.
I tiptoed to the door, darting my eyes backwards to glance at the blonde laying on my bed. It was like I couldn't take my eyes off her, she was just so perfect. I crept down the stairs looking for any sign of life, but as I walked around the house I realised no-one else was in. All I heard was my heart pounding and my heavy breath, there weren't any cars passing on the street outside and I looked for a clock, to realise it was on 4pm. Two minutes later, Berry and Quinn bounded through the door, grocery bags in hand.
"You're awake!" Q grinned, eyeing up my outfit. "And still in PJ's. What were you two doing up there?" A smirk crossed her face and I shot her a blank look.
"Am I dreaming? Like in inception, am I going to wake up. Because Quinn, this isn't something to be taken lightly, the girl asleep upstairs is the love of my life and if this isn't real I need you to slap me."
A hand darted forward and connected with my cheek, a sting formed as the warmth of the palm disappeared just as quickly as it had touched me.
"You said you needed a slap. I've kinda always wanted to slap you without the fear of you attacking me." The tiny brunette stood in front of me smiling.
"I asked Q to slap me, not you hobbit." I spat back at her, but anger didn't flare through me like it would've done in any other situation.
"San..." Q warned, looking at me through narrowed eyes. "You're not in a dream. She's upstairs, you've felt her, she's really there."
"But she's dead."
"What? No she's not." A giggled erupted from her lips and anger flashed through me, she was laughing at me because of what I knew to be true. "What ever made you think that?" Her hand slapped against her thigh as she tried to catch her breath in between the laughter and words.
"I saw her. On the hospital bed. She died, she had no heartbeat." My eyes were widening as I spoke; Berry was standing in between us, darting her eyes between the blonde and myself. "I've spent so many years crying and falling apart, for you to fucking laugh at me and tell me she didn't die!"
"What are you talking about? You left. Oh my god. This has been a huge misunderstanding."
"MISUNDERSTANDING! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!" I yelled, not even bothering to look behind me as I stormed up the stairs towards my bedroom. I slammed the door and the blonde that laid on the bed was no longer peaceful.
"Brittany. What the fuck is going on? You died. And now you're alive. I saw you. I left because you died. I couldn't handle. What. I can't even. How?" I shook my arms around as the words escaped my mouth, they ended up just hanging randomly in the air as I finished my jumbled up sentence.
"Santana, calm down. Obviously I didn't die if I'm sitting here?" She said; her eyes filled with innocence. "You left Santana. I woke up in the hospital, and my mum told me you'd gone. That you just left, with no goodbye."
Her head dipped and a single tear hung off the end of her nose. My instincts caused my body to react before my mind could tell it not too, and my arms were wrapped around her neck, comforting her.
"I saw you on the bed. You were so cold, and there was nothing lively about you. The doctors said.." I thought back, the doctors had never told me anything. It was all Karen, her mom.
"I don't know what the doctors told you San, all I know is that when I woke up - my mom was sitting by my bed and she told me you'd gone. Packed up your bags and just left." The tears streamed down her cheeks and I brushed the back of my fingers up against her skin, wiping them away.
"Your mom, she told me... She said you died. And when I went in, you were lying on the bed completely lifeless."
"But I didn't die. The doctors told me when I woke up that I was braindead, that I might never have woken up again. But I could still feel everything, a bright light shone inside my mind and I heard your voice. You spoke to me and told me to run away from the light."
I processed her words; looking deep into her eyes to see the honesty that ran behind them. She was telling the truth, every single word.
"You're really here?" I stroked her cheek, feeling her warm skin. Her soft fingers cupped my wrist as she brought it down to her chest to feel her heartbeat.
"I'm here Santana. My heart is beating."
The walls I'd spent so long building suddenly crumbled; I looked into the piercing blue eyes and saw everything I'd missed for so long. The hole in my heart no longer felt like a huge gaping wound, she'd somehow patched it up, sewn me back together with just her presence. I wrapped my arms around her neck, inhaling her scent one more time before standing up and heading downstairs.
As soon as I got there, Faberry were snuggled on the sofa. They both turned and their faces lit up as we walked in the room.
"Q. Look who it is." Berry said, scrunching her huge beak at us.
"Shut it dwarf." I snapped, shooting her the dirty eye.
"Fabray. Why didn't you tell me she was alive." I was genuinely angry, I could feel it flaring up inside of me. "You could have saved me many nights of..."
"I tried! So many times! But you cut me off. I just thought you didn't want to hear about her." She shrugged; the realisation that this was all my fault set in and the anger disappeared. "Exactly." Her eyes narrowed with her words.
"Sorry." I dipped my head, and turned my gaze to the floor.
"It's okay. Although I do apologise if I led you to believe false information." She replied, giving me an apologetic look. The only response I could give her was a small smile. I turned my head to look at the blonde standing next to me and it took my breath away, the feeling overwhelmed me as I looked to my best... girl...
Wait, what does this mean for you two?
As if Q had just read my mind, she rose from the sofa and took Berry's hand. They headed towards the door and turned back before unlocking it.
"We'll leave you two alone for a bit." I saw a smirk plaster across her face as she and Berry exited. We stood there awkwardly, but the sound of my stomach rumbling broke it.
"Let's make you breakfast." She smiled before heading to the kitchen. A few minutes later the aroma of melted chocolate and pancakes wafted through the house, and a few minutes after that a stacked plate of chocolate chip pancakes were in front of me. I hadn't realise how hungry I was, and I stared at them with awe as a piece of drool slipped out my mouth. A pale hand with a tissue sprung out from my side and wiped it away.
"You big baby." She teased, before I started giggling histerically - something I hadn't expected to be doing.
"Ssssssh." I replied, scrunching my nose at her.
Butterflies bounced against the sides of my stomach as I stared into her beautiful blue eyes. Everything started going in slow mo as my eyes flickered to her lips, which were currently being moistened with her tongue. The way she did it was so enticing, I had to force myself from jumping on her right then and there. Her hand hovered by my cheek slightly longer than necessary, I could see the lust flow behind her piercing azure orbs. She was feeling everything I was feeling, I could hear her heartbeat quicken, in sync with mine as her face inched closer and closer to mine. Her hot breath was caressing my skin, sending shivers down my spine.
Don't do it Santana. Don't let her in again.
"So, Britt..." I said after coughing, trying to snap us back in to reality. "...What's new with you?"
Her head retreated, her expression unsure of what to answer.
"Well, actually..."
Her eyes darted back and fourth from the door to my eyes as they turned slightly grey. I felt my heart sink as I waited for her to tell me about her husband and three kids.
"... I'm a dance teacher at Little Lima Dance Studios which is actually mine, and I live in a studio apartment about 3 blocks from it, so it's in walking distance." Her eyes met mine once more through thick lashes, they were shining a little brighter than before, but there was still an edge of greyness.
Don't read too much into it. She's changed, what you knew about her years ago isn't necessarily going to be the same now.
"Wow B! You own your own dance studio! That's awesome!" I sprung up out of my seat to pull her into a hug, and immediately realised what I was doing so I dropped my arms to my side. We weren't the same as we had been before the accident, I didn't see any love that once filled her eyes, I didn't feel as comfortable as I once had. There was now an uncomfortable air that surrounded us, and I just couldn't figure out why. Her words sunk in and out of nowhere I was being dragged back through time in my mind to when we'd discussed our future plans...
"San, what's your dream? What do you wanna be when you grow up?" Britt's fingertips gently tickled up and down my arm, sending shivers down my spine.
To be with you, forever.
My inner monologue spoke the words I couldn't say, so I came up with another response;
"Umm. I don't really know. I love singing and dancing, but no-one dreams of becoming a superstar ever come true so I don't really know."
I turned in her embrace to face her. My body was pressed up against hers, our hipbones clashing together. I craned my neck to press my lips to her jawline, slowly darting my tongue out every now and then to brush against her soft, creamy skin.
"I wanna dance. Like for money. But not on a pole, not that kind of dancing."
I leant back to press a small but sweet kiss to the corner of her mouth before meeting her stare.
"Yeah, you don't wanna do that." I whispered into her lips, which were only millimetres away from my own. "I'd get jealous." I caught her bottom lip between my teeth and gave it a little tug before pressing my lips to hers softly but quickly. Her fingertips were still tracing invisible lines up and down my arms, sending sparks jolting through my skin.
"I want to own a dance studio. Like have my own place where I could teach people to dance. Maybe teach kids or something." I could tell she wasn't catching where I wanted to go with my kissing, so I returned my lips to her neck, nibbling and sucking gently on the sensitive spot below her earlobe.
"Well there you go then. You know what to do. You could have little Brittany's and teach them too." I giggled into her neck, tracing my tongue up and down her neck.
"I wouldn't name our kids Brittany, Lord Tubbington would get confused." A childish smile spread across her face. I smiled into her skin at the way she said 'our'. She wanted to be with me forever, just like I did with her.
"Hey you never know, if I ever get famous I'll buy you your own dance studio." I giggled, she copied my giggle and rolled me over so she was on top of me, grinding her hips whilst assaulting my neck with her lips.
"I want be married beforehand."She pulled back and stared into my eyes. "To you."
Shivers ran through my spine as fear crept over me. She'd always wanted us to be together, and I knew in her head she'd mapped out the rest of our lives together. But something nagged at me at the back of my mind telling me otherwise. I didn't have a response, so I pressed my lips to hers. Our lips locked together, moving in sync. And that's where they stayed for the rest of the night.
"I would ask you about your life, but judging by the radio and TV, you finally made your dream come true." She murmured, not turning to face me.
My real dream didn't come true.
I shook my head to try and hoped the whispering in the back of my brain would somehow just slip out. Britt was washing up the pan she'd used to cook me breakfast before turning to face me and leaning her butt against the counter, drying her hands with a dry dish cloth.
"So um... are you seeing anyone?" She questioned, dipping her head.
"No, I'm um..."
Still in love you with you.
"..Single."A flush brushed my cheeks, I knew if I looked up she'd be giggling at the embarrasment that plastered my face.
"Oh, right." My eyes flickered up to meet hers, the grey had returned in her eyes, a darker shade than before. "San I need to te.."
The front door swung open and Puck strolled in unannounced. It still surprised me to see him with a full head of hair.
"Ladies!" A smirk crossed his face, he was still the same old perv he'd always been. "What are you two up to?"
As Britt turned away he winked at me, I shot him down immediately by pasting my face with my signature scowl.
"Nothing. What are you doing here?"
"Was just looking for my ex wife actually." He took a few steps into the living room before plopping himself down on the couch with a thud. "Oh and that reminds me, Britt? Artie called, asked what time you'd be home for dinner."
"Artie? Wha..." I stopped in my tracks, turning to watch Brittany as an guilty expression covered her face. "You and Wheels are back together?"
Her eyes widened; guilt danced across her face. I smiled at her through the tears, swallowing harshly to try and push the lump that had risen in my throat down.
"Oh shit." Pucks eyes widened, apologetically smiling at me. "I'm just gonna go now."
He'd obviously realised that he'd just dropped Britt in it. My heart sank and the I feel like I'd just been bashed several times round the face with a mace.
Of course she's moved on. She wasn't going to wait forever.
Puck exited faster than I'd ever seen him exit anywhere before, and that included all those nights where he'd just wanted a hook up. Britt turned towards me, opening her mouth to explain.
"San..."
"I'm happy for you." I forced another grin; sucking in all the pain and trying to make my eyes smile, as that was the thing she was currently studying.
"How long have you been together then?" I added, taking a huge gulp of air. It rushed down my airway as the pain that had pitted in the bottom of my stomach clawed it's way up my throat. I could feel the tears trying to force themselves out of my ducts, but I wouldn't let them.
"Santana I know you don't wanna talk about this." She took a few steps forward, instinctively I moved backwards the same amount.
"No." I replied too quickly, I had to cover it up. "I want to, come on, we used to be best friends, we can talk about anything." I forced another grin, using the 'best friend' shot was low, but I knew what effect it would take. I watched the hurt cloud her expression as she pretended to be excited about telling me the details.
"We've been married 7 months."
Oh shit.
I was caught off guard with the married statement. I choked on the biscuit I was currently consuming. "Married? Wow Britt. That's..."
Wrong, you should be with me.
"...Brilliant. Guess your dreams came true as well then, married and owning your own dance studio. Everything you'd ever planned." Another smile managed to force its way past the sadness that dwelled beneath my skin.
"Congratulations B."
I stood, wrapping my arms around her neck. I could feel the pain rising from the pit of my stomach and spreading throughout my body, leaving deep gashes wherever it touched. I was still stupidly and horridly in love with someone who could and would never be mine. And that type of pain was something that wasn't ever going to fade with time or drowned with copious amounts of alcohol - because I knew the love I felt for her, would never disappear.
She was happy, and that's what I wanted for her - I loved her enough to want that for her, even if it came at the price of my own happiness. Even if it wasn't me that kissed her goodnight, or wrapping my arms around her before we went to sleep. Even if it meant that I wasn't the one telling her how much I loved her, as long as she was smiling, that was enough for now.
Please review and tell me what you thought of this chapter! I'm not to sure about it myself!
