Keelhaul that filthy landlubber!
Send him down to the depths below!
Make that bastard walk the plank
With a bottle of rum
And a YO HO HO!
"Um… Jeff… What the hell is this?" Kurt asked nervously from the backseat of Sally – of course Blaine had named his Mustang after the song. Some strange distortion of violin, bass drum and electric guitar was blaring from Blaine's iPod dock.
"Pirate metal!" Jeff bounced happily in his seat, twisting to the left to laugh over his shoulder at Kurt and Blaine in the back. "Not everyone's cuppa tea, though." He conceded, catching sight of Kurt's face.
"I think that's strike one, Jeff," Blaine told him gently. "Next?"
Jeff nodded, hitting a button on his iPod, and the music changed swiftly – it was very loose and jazzy, almost reminiscent of Randy Newman…
Oh, we're all crazy, we're all mad!
A thimbleful of sanity is all we ever had!
Arsenic or everclear;
Pick your poison fast, my dear,
The apocalypse is drawing near
And we're all gonna die!
"Jeff… What kind of music do you listen to?" Kurt was half laughing, half terrified for his life.
The boys burst into laughter.
"I'll say that's strike two," Jeff announced, pressing skip again.
Kurt turned to Blaine, confusion plastered across his eyes. "What's this about strikes?"
The two boys laughed. "Look, in all fairness, I have no problem with Jeff's taste in music – he, er, introduces me to some great stuff. But we do disagree sometimes, and he's driven with me so many times, we just invented a strike system. Three strikes and the iPod gets changed." Blaine motioned for the dock as, blasting from the speakers, came:
I've been missing my strawberry kisses!
Nothing's that sweet; the taste still drives me crazy…
"I swear, shuffle exists purely to embarrass us with our mates," Jeff blushed, ripping the mp3 player out and passing the cord to Kurt. "Let's hope you come up with something better. God, I can't believe I own that monstrosity."
Nick lifted his hand from the gear stick, grabbing Jeff's. "We still love you just the same. Even if you play horrible pop-sounding songs that none of us have ever heard of."
Jeff grinned, planting a kiss on his boyfriend's cheek. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm starving! Anyone up for a Maccas run?"
"… Maccas?" Kurt was still getting used to Jeff's slang.
"McDonald's," Blaine explained, looking at his watch. "I need food. Nick, sound good?"
Every night in my dreams,
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I –
"NO!" Kurt hit pause. "Strike one."
The indicator clicked on and the car did a U-turn as the laughter relit itself in the four boys. Blaine punched Kurt gently on the shoulder. "And we love you just the same, Kurt, even if your music has us all bleeding from the ears."
Back in the not-too-distant past
When I would need a quick repast
Or a temporary break from my agenda…
"Oh no. Oh, God, no. No, no, no, no!"
Nick glanced into the rearview mirror to see Blaine snatch the iPod from a rapidly-reddening Kurt. "If he's that devastated at the song… I want to hear what it is, Blaine!"
Kurt planted his face in his hands. "Please, Blaine. Please."
But the boy just shook his head. "Nah-uh-uh!" he sang teasingly, holding the player just out of arm's reach. "The iTunes fairy has spoken!"
Internet porn – Roman orgy scenes!
Internet porn – dominatrix queens!
Internet porn – girl on girl on girl on girl on girl on guy on sheep!
Jeff was the first to crack. "Must have been written for the Kiwis!"
"Is that even translatable to English?" Kurt asked him, shaking his now-cranberry head.
"I think I'm going to have to shoot your question back at you, Kurt," Jeff swept his fringe out his eyes, twisting back again. "What sort of music do you listen to?"
Kurt was still scrambling for his iPod as the car pulled into the McDonald's Drive-Through, finally managing to reclaim it as he tickled Blaine, and the boy dropped it to his lap. "So, I like a cappella music… That one just has interesting lyrics…"
"Uh huh. Sure." Nick glanced back at them. "What are you guys getting?"
"Nuggets have the least gluten, right, Nick?" Jeff asked. "So… that'll be least likely to kill you?"
Nick nodded. "Not kill me. Just seriously maim or injure. But if you're planning on kissing me with that mouth… Go with the nuggets."
Jeff grinned. "Love you, Nick!"
Kurt was wondering a couple of things. First, what was up with Nick. And second, how Blaine could possibly be able to eat McDonalds. He turned to the driver first. "The no-gluten diet, Nick?"
The brunette grinned. "I was diagnosed with Coeliac about a month ago – that's why I was so sick, if you remember. I can't eat any gluten."
"And I don't know how likely it is, but I don't want to pass him any by… um… certain activities involving a pair of mouths," Jeff smirked. "I swear, I attract sick people. Any life-threatening illnesses I should be aware of, Kurt?"
The countertenor shook his head as he passed Nick the iPod cord. "Not yet. I've got plenty of time to develop something for you though!"
"Hi, welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order, please?" The boys jumped as the worker's voice interrupted them.
"Can we get… 10 nuggets in a meal, a Happy Meal with a burger and… Kurt?" Nick ordered for them.
"I can't believe you're making me do this… a cheeseburger and diet coke, please." Kurt grimaced slightly as he thought of the fat content.
"And a cheeseburger, all with diet coke, and 2 soft serve cones, please?" He finished, winking in the mirror at Blaine. "Sound good?"
"So that's 10 nuggets…"
Kurt turned to Blaine. "You said earlier about needing certain amounts of food at times… But how is this not going to kill you? It's all sugar and fat!"
The tenor nodded. "Yes. But, I'm not type 2 diabetic, so the fat content isn't important – it just lowers the GI because it goes screwy in the digestive system. As for the times… what time do we usually eat at school?"
"Um… around 6 or 7?" Kurt glanced down at his watch. 6:45. "Okay. And the amount?"
Blaine glanced up as he pulled out his testing and injecting kit. "There's about 30 grams of carbohydrate in the little cheeseburger, 15 with the fries and 15 with the ice cream. Approximately. That's perfectly 60, which is what I aim for at dinner every night."
Kurt nodded as they drove forwards to the cashier.
"Cough up, guys, I'm not paying for your food!" Nick told them.
Jeff fumbled in his wallet, pulling out a couple of $20's. "My shout," he announced, glaring at Kurt's loose change. "Kurt. Put that away. Now!"
"That's what he said," Blaine quipped, a smile breaking as a large 100 flashed on his glucometer. "Finally!"
Kurt cheered, grabbing Blaine in a one-armed hug. "Saved by the power of Mickey-D's?"
"Saved by the power of Mickey-D's," Blaine agreed. Kurt barely flinched as he watched the boy roll up his shirt and inject into his stomach.
The car sped off and a hot bag landed in each of the boy's laps. "Go. Eat. Ready for the magic of Nick's Nano Shuffle?"
"YES!" They all yelled, as Nick rolled the windows down.
Hiya, Barbie!
Hi, Ken!
You wanna go for a ride?
Sure, Ken!
Jump in!
I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world…
Their hysterics was so loud, people on the street stopped and stared at the '67 Mustang rushing by. This time Jeff turned to Nick, fluttering a butterfly kiss onto his hand. "Really, babe? Aqua?"
Blaine sat forward, resting his elbows on Jeff's seat. "Crazy how well Kurt does this, isn't it?" They turned to watch him. He'd suddenly gone stiff and was only moving certain parts of himself at certain times, looking like a marionette – or a Barbie – doll, singing along with a huge smile on his face.
They let Nick have a go with the iPod for a while – he was driving, after all, and his music, though it should really have remained in the 90's and early 2000's, was at least recognisable by all in the car and fun to scream out at random passer-by's on the street. As they neared the Kwik-E-Mart, Blaine grabbed back the dock, plugging his own iPod in. "My turn!" He smiled gleefully.
I like where we are
When we drive in your car.
I like where we are
Here.
"Awwwwww," Jeff turned around, a smirk on his face. "I think your iPod is trying to tell you something…"
"Quit yo jibber-jabber!" Blaine told him. "It's a great song!"
"That it is," Jeff agreed reluctantly. "But I think I have the perfect song for us… There's a couple of lines that describe you in the back pretty well, at least."
Hellogoodbye ended and Blaine handed over the cord.
Had a little bit to drink…
Well there's a little thing I wanted to do out East, yeah!
Well, nothing too emotional, my goodness,
I couldn't be serious in a room full of Jack knifes…
"It's coming up… Just a bit more… A bit more…" Jeff was muttering.
Kurt tapped his foot. "It's interesting…"
And we roll on to my back-shed,
Play some poker, scratch my head…
"It's coming, I promise!"
"That's what he said," Blaine repeated, ducking Kurt's hand.
"Is it on the other side of the tape, Jeff?" Nick teased, remembering a particular Mighty Boosh episode.
"No… Here it is!" The Australian yelled excitedly, screaming out the relevant lyrics, and the car couldn't help but laugh appreciatively.
All my friends are fuck-ups
But they're fun to have around!
Hey! Merry Christmas!
So, despite all my whinging, my Christmas wasn't as hard as I was expecting. I actually had a pretty good time, both at work and with my family! I hope you all had a wonderful time as well.
Songs used... Oh, dear God. In order: Keelhauled, by Alestorm, We Are All Mad by The Circus Contraption, Strawberry Kisses by Nikki Webster (a massive hit late 90's in Australia and very easily one of the worst songs ever recorded), My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion (shame on you if you needed to be told that! :P), Internet Porn by Da Vinci Notebooks (an a cappella group, the song itself is hilarious and I'm fairly certain that they wrote the song themselves, but if anyone has any other knowledge, please let me know!), Barbie Girl by Aqua, Here (In Your Arms) by Hellogoodbye and You Sound Like Louis Burdett by The Whitlams (an Aussie group, no one knows the song but it's awesome and I've taught it to a couple of friends - it's our road-trip song!).
Hey, look! It's a disclaimer! I own nothing (especially not after Christmas... :P) so please don't sue me! Or, well, go for your life, but you don't have a legal leg to stand on. :P
How were all your Christmasses? Get lots of cool pressies?
We actually got the best present ever. I was completely blown away... Remember how I told you a few chapters back about getting a new dog? Long story short, he died. So we called the breeder we got him from to let her know... and she gave (yes, GAVE) us a new puppy on breeder's terms - so we have to let her go back for a few months to have 2 litters, and we get to keep a puppy from each litter! We didn't ask for anything, she was just so lovely...
Alright, I gotta run. As usual, I have work tomorrow, and I'm talking to a mate of mine about that person who was murdered this time last year... We actually found out about it on Boxing Day (which it is today) so... yeah, he needs my attention.
Thanks to everyone! Shout-outs to nicolethegreat, Lalice of Roses (and OMJesus, mince pies... hope you didn't make too much a mess with them :P), flower pot girl, annkum, Different Child, xXLittle Rose AngelXx and riker-rocky-ross-lynchlover795! And thanks also to everyone for your words of support - they mean so much to me! And, like I've said many times, if there's anything that I can do for you at all, even if it's just listen - please let me know!
Oh, I completely forgot! HUGE SHOUT-OUT HERE! I'm here to tell you about Project Not Alone. It was sent to me by PM, so I'm only relaying information here... but if you're ever in need of someone to talk to, or some nice words, or to not feel alone, please go check out projectnotalone. tumblr. com (without spaces, obviously). Or if you have friends that you think might need it, send them along. It's just yet another way of getting that message across. Because, really, you are never alone. "Help will always be given... to those who seek it."
Love it? Hate it? Want me to eat the entire turkey in the fridge and have weird turkey dreams and enter a completely alternate reality so I'm no longer sane enough to write? (STEPH YOU ARE ASSUMING THESE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE SANE FOR THE TIME BEING...) Please let me know!
Keep smiling! :D