A/N The Doctor and Rose face the morning after, but clearly still have a few more issues to overcome.
I'm also working on a separate one-shot which will give a glimpse into Zerin and Shadarra's time together, and I hope to have it posted sometime next week.
Chapter 26
If Rose was completely honest with herself, she would have admitted to having more than one fantasy about what it would be like to wake in the morning beside the Doctor after having torn down those barriers, crossed those lines, and finally, finally acted upon the feelings which silently yet clearly existed between them. Some of those Morning After Fantasies involved soft, re-affirming words of love spoken between them at first waking sight, the words flowing easily and naturally between them like a gentle, unhurried stream. Other such scenarios made no allowance for words at all, as heated desire would consume them both the moment they woke in each other's arms, leading to another round of passionate love making, not even making it out of bed for at least a day. Maybe two.
Whatever the case, one element in every fantasy was always the same. Her eyes would be met by his upon waking. This would be the first sight she would see. His gorgeous, deep brown eyes would look at her for the first time with unbridled love – no masks, no holding back, and no walls left standing as a barricade between them, restraining their hearts.
Yet in every single variation of her fantasies, Rose had never once imagined the reality of what she was met with the next morning as the first soft light of dawn filtered into the marriage chamber they had shared. She never imagined herself waking up alone, the space beside her empty, the Doctor now gone.
Rose shifted onto her back and pressed the heels of her palms into her bleary eyes. For a few brief seconds she entertained the notion that maybe it had all just been a dream and what happened the night before hadn't even been real. But every one of her senses confirmed that it had been very real. Of that there was no question.
Among the physical evidence, there was also his scent which silently spoke that his presence had not been a mere phantom of her mind. She was surrounded by the unmistakable, intoxicating scent of the Doctor, enveloping her on the bed and lingering upon her skin. And beneath this, their essence mingled. Each breath she drew was a reminder. Beneath it all was the musky scent of sex from their passion that had finally been set free.
Rose grimaced as that three-letter word flashed through her mind. Was that all it had been? The act of sex to relieve the simmering tension that had risen to the boiling point? Or was it an outlet for the emotions of guilt and pain stirred within the Doctor as he had opened a part of himself he had normally kept shielded since the War? Was it one night of diffusing tension or creating a distraction as carnal urges found release?
No, Rose firmly insisted to herself. It was so much deeper. So much more. It was the giving and taking and making of love. It was her heart and her soul given to him in the way she had always longed to give. And along with the physical expression of love, she had also given him the words. Three words that described the condition of her heart and to whom it belonged. Though the Doctor had not returned this declaration in the form of words, Rose had truly felt and believed that he had given them back to her in so many other ways. He didn't need to say it when she could see it and feel it.
At least she had told herself so in the previous night's silence as she had fallen asleep in his arms. The stark light of day and the Doctor's absence, however, had her now questioning his feelings anew. She had never imagined that making love or having sex – or whatever label it was given – could happen between them, and yet after leave her more uncertain of the Doctor's feelings than ever before.
Did he regret it? Was he angry, or even worse, ashamed? Was he going to try to pretend from here that it never even happened – as utterly impossible as she knew that would be for both of them? But then, the Doctor always did like to take on 'impossible,' she thought, fighting a flash of bitterness.
Rose didn't have an answer to these questions troubling her heart because the only one who could give her the answers was no longer even here.
Rose lifted her hand and brushed her fingers across her lips, still feeling and tasting the Doctor upon her. She squeezed her eyes shut. How could they ever just turn back from here? What would she do if he did? Rose rubbed her forehead, still feeling a fullness and a hum within her mind, and behind it, just at the very edges, the faint remnants of a haunting song. She instinctively knew in part what was responsible for this lingering sensation. The Doctor had touched her here. He had touched her, body, soul, and mind; and she would never again be the same.
Rose removed her hand from her temple but paused to gaze at her arm as it lowered. The wedding bangle around her wrist glinted, catching the light of the sunbeams washing in through the arched glass of the windows. A lump rose in her throat at the same time that steely resolve galvanized her entire being. Rose Tyler wasn't going to continue lying here in a bed of hurt, uncertainty and fear.
She was going to find the Doctor.
She was going to find her husband.
And if he was turning his back and running from this, then he was going to first have to look her in the eyes and tell her so.
-:-:-:-
Just after Rose had gotten out of bed and was wrapping herself in a robe, a knock at the doors drew her attention. Her heart sped, and she briefly wondered if it could be the Doctor. But would he be one to knock…if he even came back at all?
"Come in," she spoke through the doors as she moved closer.
The doors opened and two young maids, both of Krendorian descent, came in to assist her in getting ready for the day. Rose didn't particularly feel like having any excessive attention directed at her. Her only wish was to find the Doctor as quickly as she could before any more time passed and distanced them further. And before the doubting thoughts churning in her mind drove her mad. She still had to play her part as Zobulan's new Queen, however. At least for one more day. And in a practical sense, they could help her dress and be ready to leave the chamber much quicker than if she took on the task alone.
They offered to draw her a bath, but she declined. Rose just wanted to dress as soon as possible. And even if she would have felt a little more fresh if she were to bathe, Rose didn't want to simply wash away the night before. The Doctor's scent still lingered upon her, and Rose was clinging to that. Right now it felt like all she had of him and their previous night. She was also offered breakfast, but Rose's stomach was tied in too many knots to even think about eating.
And so, Rose stood as calmly and patiently as possible as one of the women helped her into a lavish, silky, off-the-shoulder deep blue gown. It was trimmed in gold corded accents along the low neckline and long, drapy sleeves, with a corded sash encircling the fitted waist. The narrow skirt hugged her curves and then fanned out around her feet, draping elegantly behind her. The other woman stood to the side on a stool and began to arrange Rose's hair in an elaborate coif atop her head, but Rose felt the need to be a little less overdone, despite her extravagant royal attire. She wanted to feel as genuine and true to herself as possible when she found the Doctor and sought the truth from him.
"Could I just...wear it down?" she asked, indicating her hair with a wave of her hand. "I don't feel like makin' much fuss with it today."
The young woman bowed her head slightly in acquiescence. "Of course, Your Highness. The choice is entirely yours."
Rose fought the urge to ask to simply be called by her name. She had to follow some bit of decorum, but it was against her nature not to at least treat everyone else with as much respect as she was given herself, be they Kings, Queens or servants.
"So...what are your names, then? I'm sorry...I don't recall," she said, as one laced the back of her dress and the other pinned her hair back from her face with jewel-studded combs, though left the wavy ends of her hair to flow free, golden strands brushing her shoulders. Rose recognized the women as two who had attended her the night before when first escorted to the wedding chamber. On the heels of the marriage ceremony, Rose had been too wholly consumed with whirling questions to be in the frame of mind to make conversation. Her thoughts weren't exactly in a state of ease now either, but at least this gave her a momentary distraction from everything else.
"My name is Reena," replied the woman who stood fashioning Rose's hair. "And this is my younger sister, Kassarah."
"Sisters. Of course. I thought there was a lovely resemblance," Rose noted, giving a slight smile to the two dark-haired women.
Rose's genuine kindness was obvious. Feeling more at ease in the presence of their new Queen, Kassarah took the liberty of directing a question to Rose. "And...and are you feeling well this morning, Your Highness? After the...the events of last night?"
Rose flushed and felt her stomach flip-flop, thinking first of only one 'event' the night before. She then realized it was Amron's attack that was actually being referred to.
"Kassarah!" Reena hissed. "It is not our place to–"
"No, 's alright," Rose reassured her. "It's kind of you to ask. And I'm...I'm alright, thanks." Physically, Rose thought. Emotionally, she still wasn't quite sure.
Rose decided to ask the only question that was on her mind at the moment – the one distracting her from everything else. She was embarrassed to even have to ask this of others the morning after her wedding night, not even knowing the answer herself, but she needed to know if the Doctor was even nearby.
"So...um...can either of you tell me where...," Rose hesitated, almost calling him the Doctor. Calling him the King didn't feel right, either; so Rose settled on the new title that she was still struggling to wrap her mind around. Maybe saying it out loud might help it sink in. "Can you tell me where my husband is?" The foreign feel of the word on her tongue told her it still wasn't sinking in. Rose swallowed. "Have either of you seen him this morning?"
Reena stepped back after putting the finishing touches on Rose's hair. She nodded. "His Majesty is within his Ruling Chamber. He arose very early and called an assembling of the Ruling Council."
If the two women thought this unusual for a man to leave his bride the morning after being wed, then they didn't let it show. Rose presumed they were probably thinking that his 'tending to business' had to do with Amron's assassination attempt the night before.
When she and the Doctor first had the chance to speak together alone after the wedding, he had told Rose of his plans to call an assembly today in preparation for Zerin and Shadarra's return, and it made sense, of course, that he would be following through with that now. But it didn't take the sharp sting out of the fact that he had silently slipped away from her without so much as a word after what had happened between them. Knowing he had no doubt risen so early and left as he had because of what happened between them made his stark absence all the more painful.
Once Rose was properly attired and adorned in a manner fit for a Queen, the two women excused themselves from the chamber. Rose wasn't spending any more time questioning the Doctor's feelings. Drawing a breath and gathering her resolve, she left to find him.
Rose made her way from the bedchamber and began the journey down the winding, stone-walled corridors of the castle. She reached the main staircase on the East wing which led toward the direction of the Ruling Chamber on the main floor. After descending the tall spiral stairs, Rose moved across the colonnade which connected to the King's Court leading into the Ruling Chamber.
There was quite a bit of activity with royal personnel going to and fro from the chamber, but it seemed the majority were now leaving. The Doctor had apparently already given the word to begin gathering an assembly at the Great Amphitheater, and if the bustle of activity she noticed outside the castle as she gazed past the arched pillars of the colonnade was any indication, then the gathering was already underway. In a short while, the Doctor would bring the true Royal Family of Zobulan back in the TARDIS and present them to the people. And if the Doctor's previous assessment was correct, then the TARDIS should also be ready for full travel away from Zobulan today.
They would unite two races after having played a role in working to end this planet's conflict, and then depart in the TARDIS after another job well done. In other words, business as usual for them. With one major difference. Once she and the Doctor returned to the TARDIS, they might be leaving this planet, but not as the same two people who had arrived here. All that had now happened between them could not simply be left behind as they ran toward the next adventure. Unless, of course, that's what the Doctor was going to attempt. Would he simply try to put all this behind them and move on as if it hadn't happened at all?
Rose was going a little insane with all of the anxious, unanswered questions that had been assaulting her mind since first waking to find herself alone. The only way to finally have answers was to talk to the man at the center of it all, no matter how uneasy or uncomfortable she anticipated the 'morning after' confrontation might be.
Rose approached the arched entranceway leading into the Ruling Chamber's outer court, standing aside as three more officials left the inner chamber. Each greeted her and bowed as a customary show of respect, and Rose knew she would have never become used to this if she'd actually remained here as Zobulan's Queen. She moved past them and continued through the outer court. As Rose approached the open double doors of the Ruling Chamber, she could hear the voice of the Doctor speaking within. The tempo of her heart instantly sped at the sound of his voice.
She loved him. That was a fact which had been true long before she had ever been able to speak the words or act upon them. And because this was unconditional, Rose knew she was never going to leave him, no matter how things turned out between them on a personal level. Because of this love and of finally expressing it, however, she didn't think she could bear to ever go back to the way things had once been, either. Not now. Not after last night. How could they ever keep that kind of distance between them now and not have it kill them?
Rose lifted a hand and massaged her temple. Her head still had that faint tingling sensation. And maybe it was her imagination, but just being this close to the Doctor again made the sensation a little stronger. Oh, she had it bad for this man.
She waited just outside the doors until the last of the officials left and the Doctor was finally alone. Rose drew in a long, deep breath and stepped up to the open doors of the chamber. Her eyes instantly found the Doctor at the far end of the narrow room. He stood with his back to her, gazing out the tall arched window overlooking the East courtyard. He was dressed in the midnight-blue tunic and trousers, black vest and black boots of Zerin, but thanks to her override of the perception filter, he was still clearly distinguishable as the Doctor – pinstripes or no – with his tall, lean build and chocolate-brown hair that stood up perfectly in artful disarray.
Rose wished, among a growing list of other things, that she could have seen what that gorgeous hair looked like upon waking this morning. Before stepping in, she stood silently gazing at him for a moment, contemplating what to even say. In the night, they had not needed the language of speech. In the light of day, finding words had never seemed so difficult.
-:-:-:-
On the other side of the room, the Doctor had been lost in a world of his own thoughts as well, all issues of Zobulan taking second place in his mind despite the responsibility resting on his shoulders. One thought was taking precedence over all else.
Rose.
Her name, her very essence had been surging through his entire being since the moment they had become one.
He could scarcely believe what had actually happened between him and Rose the night before. They had joined body and mind, and the latter was not the sort of thing that could happen by careless accident. A part of him had sought this with deliberateness, and it quite honestly scared him to death. Despite this, another rather large part of himself was desperate for more. More of Rose and all of Rose in every waking moment. She was a part of him now. His body was singing for hers and he ached just to touch her, to feel that pure, untempered, terrifying power between them that drew him in and ignited with just one touch. He feared it and craved it, and the contrasting combination now pulsing through his veins was quite possibly enough to drive him mad.
Pulled from his thoughts by the one who possessed them, the Doctor heard soft footfalls from behind and turned, his expression neutral as he expected it to be one of the Ruling Council members. But the instant his brown eyes locked on hers, a visible wave of emotion passed over his face, and his intake of breath was quick and sharp. If his mind had not been in the dizzying state of acclimating to their new connection, he would have known she was the one who had come into the room before even turning to see. His mind had been awash with questions these past few hours, one of them being whether she could feel this, too, and to what degree it would be for a human. How could he ask such a question, though, when she was still not aware of what he had done? Rose had told him she wanted to stay with him for the rest of her life, but never had they even discussed something like this. He had gone from fearing that what they had could not last, to fearing its permanence – a permanence which would remain whether she would always want it or not.
He swallowed thickly as she came fully into the chamber.
"Rose...," he greeted her with as strong a voice as he could manage, a faint, hesitant smile coming to his face for a fleeting second.
Rose tried to return some form of a smile as best she could, but noted that he wouldn't have even noticed if she had, as his eyes had already left hers and traveled down her body. Rose felt a flush heating her skin. He now knew exactly what was beneath anything that would ever cover her. For that matter, she knew the same of him. That only made her temperature increase all the more. A very large part of her wanted to just run across the room, grab him and snog him to within an inch of his lives. But they had already made love the night before, yet it still felt as if they were walking on eggshells. So following through with that thought, highly tempting as it was, wasn't going to solve anything right now.
His darkened eyes reached hers again, and he moved a few steps closer as she did the same.
Could she ever look at him in the same way again? Would she ever hear her name from his lips without remembering how it was spoken the night before? Rose opened her mouth in an attempt to reply to his greeting, but he held up a hand in a gesture for her to wait as he moved past her and over to the heavy doors, drawing them both closed.
There was a pitcher of water and several crystal goblets on the center of the large round table at the end of the room. Rose had yet to eat or drink anything since waking, and though her stomach was still wrapped in too tense a knot to afford her an appetite, she suddenly felt as if her tongue was sticking to the roof of her mouth. She approached the table and poured some water, taking several sips before lowering the glass and turning back towards the Doctor.
He stood facing her now from over by the doors. They looked into each other's eyes until both simultaneously broke the stare, his own gaze falling slightly downward as he shuffled a few steps towards her. Rose absently noted that if he were in his usual suit, his closed-off posture was one that would have his hands buried deep in the depths of his pinstriped-pockets. Instead, they hung stiffly at his sides. He lifted his eyes again to meet her gaze as he stopped a few feet from her.
He spoke up first, addressing the only thing he felt able to at the moment. "I...I've given the word for a gathering to be held at the Great Amphitheater. All of the officials will be there, along with as many from the city as the structure will hold. The word went out among the people first thing this morning to gather there today. In just a little less than an hour, actually. Quite a few have already made their way there now."
Rose dipped her head a little and nodded, speaking quietly. "Then you'll arrive in the TARDIS with Zobulan's true King and Queen as you had planned."
He nodded in confirmation. "And then I'll disengage the perception filter and begin the task of explaining it all. It's going to be quite the day for Zobulan. One to mark in their history books. Always love being witness to that sort of thing," he added, trying to bring another crooked smile to his face, but the effort was visibly strained. "Never gets old, that."
"And then what?" Rose asked quietly but intensely.
There was a weighted pause.
He cleared his throat. "And then, if it all goes to plan, a new era will be ushered in for Zobulan and the two peoples will..."
His voice trailed off into silence as Rose turned away from him and walked to the window, gazing out blankly.
"I wasn't asking about Zobulan," she finally said, though the Doctor had already known that was the case when she had asked the question. Rose turned from the window back around to face him. "I was asking about us."
"We...," the Doctor began, his eyes shifting away from hers as he swallowed, "we can then leave. No reason to have to stay much longer after that. The TARDIS will finally be ready. I made a check on her just before dawn to be sure, and I've moved her here into the side chamber." He indicated the small room off to their left. "She'll have to go easy for a bit and might still have a few hitches to work out, but full travel into the Vortex should be–"
"I'm asking about more than our travel plans, Doctor," Rose cut him off, unable to handle skirting around this any longer. She had thought that was finally over with the night before. To try to keep up any pretense now was almost more than she could take. She had poured her soul out to him the night before, and her emotions still felt raw around the edges, evident in her voice. "I'm asking about us. You and me. After last night I thought..." Her voice finally broke. Rose briefly closed her eyes and shook her head. "But then I woke up and you were gone. And now you won't even talk about it. Like...like nothing even happened."
His expression was tense, a look of apology in his eyes, and that was the very last thing she wanted to see from him.
But the Doctor was sorry, and he knew he couldn't easily hide that. He had done far more, gone far further the night before than he ever intended to go with anyone – more than Rose was even fully aware of. And now it frightened him. It would scare her too if she knew, he thought. He had to tell her, but needed to attempt to wrap his own head around this first. He needed to be in a more collected frame of mind when they spoke of this, because he had not handled things in the best of ways up to this point. A part of him now ached just to touch her, but even that scared him. She would feel this if he did.
"Rose, I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you by leaving. But I needed to get up early to begin setting things in motion, and I thought...I thought it was best to just...let you sleep." Part of this was true, anyway. He knew she needed rest – physically and mentally.
They both stared at each other, neither speaking for several moments. Finally, Rose asked the one question she both feared the answer to but needed the answer to none the less.
"Was last night a mistake?" she asked, trying to keep her voice from cracking with pent-up emotion.
His body stiffened, a look of pain and uncertainty on his face. If she thought that had been a mistake, then what would she think of...
"Is that what you think?"
Rose shook her head, her voice coming out a little stronger. "I don't know what to think. I woke up alone having to...to guess how you might be feeling about all this because you weren't even there. If we were on Earth where you could easily drop me behind, I'd have wondered if I'd ever even see you again. Like one of those blokes who never sticks around in the light of day." Her voice hitched. "The kind I never thought I'd settle for...and never thought you'd be."
The Doctor turned his head away as he raked a hand through his hair. He had made an utter mess of things. He had ruined everything, and not just by his absence from her this morning. He was at a complete loss now as to how to fix it. Any of it. "Rose, I...I'm sorry if I upset you. I'm sorry if this morning wasn't what you expected from me. But I honestly don't know what I should..." He growled in frustration. He couldn't do this. "I just...I don't do...'this' very well. In case you hadn't noticed, I usually don't do 'this' at all."
Rose gave a short, sardonic laugh. "Well, you did a pretty fair job last night. So, what? You don't do the 'morning after.' Is that it? You run from it...pretend it didn't even happen?"
His eyes were sharp as he brought them back to hers. He was trying not to do anymore damage here until he could find his footing and figure out how to proceed. "What do you want me to say?"
Oh, she'd already had more than enough of this game. "What you're actually feeling!" she cried, her arms spreading helplessly out to the sides. "I told you how I felt. I told you that I love you. But I don't even know how you feel!"
He opened his mouth, but no words would come, so he closed it again. After the way he had broken himself open, how could she not even know at least that much? And yet a part of him was still terrified to even say it. Or to say it again, at least. He already had and then some, and apparently she didn't know. He had thought some things, when powerful enough, transcended language barriers. The Doctor drew a deep breath before speaking again. "After last night, and you don't know how I feel?"
"Because you won't tell me!"
He faltered on a response. How could he even put something like this into words? "Does it really need saying?"
Rose turned abruptly from him, a noise between a growl and a strangled cry rising up in her throat. She gripped the edge of the table in front of her tightly as she drew several deep breaths. She couldn't keep going 'round with him like this. She needed some space and a chance to clear her head. Maybe once all this was over and they were back in the TARDIS they could have a little more success at this the second time around. But right now in the midst of Zobulan's issues coming to a head, they didn't have the time to go deeper, and Rose didn't have the strength or the desire to try to drag words from him that he wasn't willing or able to give. If he had to force the words then she didn't want them at all.
"Rose...," the Doctor spoke tentatively from behind her as he moved nearer. Just this closer proximity was nearly his undoing. Along with the rush of hormones she was exuding from a flood of both anxiety and arousal, he could still smell himself on her, and the potent cocktail assailing his senses was enough to nearly drive him over the edge. It also reminded him of the loss of control which led them to where they were now. That sobering thought held him in check.
She turned slowly back to face him, eyes riveted to his, and holding himself in check became decidedly more difficult. It was no use. He had to at least touch her. He couldn't be this close to her and not. His hand began stretching out to reach for her just as a knock sounded on the other side of the doors.
The Doctor grimaced and Rose closed her eyes.
"We can't do this right now," she sighed heavily.
The Doctor turned his head towards the doors, then back to her. "I'll tell whoever it is to wait."
"And then what?" she challenged.
He was silent.
"Right," Rose spoke in a resigned tone. "Like I said. And then what?"
Rose moved past him and made her way towards the doors to leave.
"Rose, just...," the Doctor called out, sounding weary, not wanting her to go but not yet knowing just what to say if she stayed.
Rose shook her head, not turning back around. "We have to finish what's been started here on Zobulan. Then after that maybe we can...finish everything else."
The Doctor felt a piercing sting from her words as she opened the doors, stepped aside to allow one of the officials in, and quickly departed from the chamber.
The Doctor watched her go, knowing that no matter how far or how fast she might ever choose to run, she could never escape him now. The consequences of the night before were permanent, for as long as they both shall live...
Guilt gripped his hearts. How could he have done this to her?