Hope you guys had a great Christmas, and an even drunker new years! I know I will, haha.
At some point in the past few weeks, Beth and Zach started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I wasn't surprised. I expected it, really. That didn't keep me from avoiding them, though. On the rare occasions that Beth and I made eye contact, she'd give me this sad, guilty smile, pleading for forgiveness. There was nothing for me to forgive. I wasn't mad at her for trying to be happy, that's all I ever really wanted for her. It just kills me that she wasn't happy with me.
My growling stomach growled angrier when there wasn't anybody making breakfast in our cell block. In fact, nobody was even in our cell block. My curiosity was officially piqued and I began my search for them after pulling on my fresh, new shirt over my white t-shirt.
They weren't too hard to spot once I got outside since they were all at the finished outdoor kitchen I built. When I say all, I mean all. Everyone from A and B were sat around or standing up eating from bowls and plates. Children ran around it, playing together. I was taken aback at how homely the sight felt, but I shook it off and made my way over to where Rick and the rest stood, near the oven. Conversations stopped and eyes stayed on me as I made my way, watching me. Some nodded their heads as I passed by them, others even smiled. I was defiantly an asshole to at least 80% of these people so I had no idea what was going on.
Conversation started up again behind me as I approached Carol who was already serving me something up. "They're really grateful that you built this" Carol explained as she handed me a bowl of ramen noodles. That explained the staring.
I stuffed my face with the noodles and shrugged my shoulders. "All I did was put a few pieces of wood together"
Carol raised her eyebrow slightly. "Look at this" I looked around at all of the people eating together. She nudged me in the ribs gently. "This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for you" That very Carol-like smile was back and I couldn't help but smile back down at her, my mouth full of noodles.
"That's cheesy as fuck" A smack on the side of my head nearly made me choke on my food. Carol was frowning due to my use of a bad word but I could tell she was amused. I laughed at her mothering nature and as much as she tried to stop herself, she laughed, too.
Catching a glimpse of Beth, my mood suddenly changed. She was walking my way, probably more to do with the fact that the food is right in front of me, hand in hand with Zach. The light smile that played on her lips didn't falter, even when her eyes met mine. For some reason, that made me feel worse. I put my empty bowl on the side and started to walk away, to where I had no idea. "Going so soon?" Carol asked and I faced her once more. "You're gonna miss out on all the fun" She was still in her playful mood.
I rubbed the back of my neck, preparing myself to lie to her. "Yeah, I ain't feelin' too good all of a sudden"
She was about to speak before she spotted Beth and Zack getting their bowls from the other side of the table. She shot a worried look my way and I couldn't help but give her an apologetic smile before leaving her.
I found Maggie at the top of the guard tower, holding the sniper rifle close to her chest. She didn't jump when I silently joined her, she only smiled a warm smile. "You should go and join the others" I told her, wanting to be alone.
A confused frown appeared on her face as she looked at her watch. "I still got another few hours"
I shrugged. "I feel like I gotta do somethin' useful, though"
I saw her body tense slightly and I already knew she was reading my mind. "Beth?"
I wanted to lie to her but I nodded before I could stop myself. She nodded back in reply, glancing off in the distance. I wondered if that was the end of the conversation before she spoke. "She still loves you, you know"
She told me this as if I had already known. "I don't even think she loved me in the first place, let alone now that she has Zach"
Maggie laughed suddenly, almost making me jump. "She defiantly loves you, Adam"
I sighed. This information was way out of date. "Why are you tellin' me all this?" It came out sounding more like an accusation than a question.
She didn't speak for a while as she looked onto the forest. Her eyes were glazed over and unseeing and I knew she was remembering something. "Whenever she's with you, it's the happiest I've ever seen her" She didn't look at me as she spoke, her eyes still glazed over. I wondered if she was seeing Beth's beaming smile as the both of us played footsie as we ate dinner away from the others. She suddenly snapped out of it and we made eye contact. "She's happy with Zach, but she doesn't look at him like how she looks at you. Even when she's sittin' next to him, her eyes are locked on you" She smiled. "You just don't see it 'cause you run away every time you see her"
She was right. I couldn't stand to be around her anymore because my heart got so heavy every time it became unbearable.
"You should get down there, show 'em you ain't scared" She flashed her teeth as she squinted in the sun. I nodded, she was right again.
"Thanks, bro" I playfully punched her in her arm.
"Whatever you ass" She laughed and pushed me towards the exit.
Back in the outdoor kitchen, most people had left but some were still eating or just hanging around before they began their chores. Beth, Zach and Cas were all seated together not too far away from Carol, Judith, Tyreese and Sasha stood talking. I felt the trio's eyes on me as I walked past them to join the latter. None of them had seen me voluntarily join anyone anywhere near them ever since Beth and Zach declared their love to one another. Judith sat on the floor besides Carol's feet playing with blocks Daryl probably found for her. Carol's eyes widened a little when she saw me but soon became warm as she greeted me. "You're back for seconds already?" That made the other two laugh.
"Well I actually came to see if you needed any help clearin' up, but after your smart ass comment it ain't happenin'" I joked.
She laughed, looking relieved that I was in a good enough mood to joke back. "Get busy then, honey bun" She smiled her sweet smile.
"Yes, ma'am"
There wasn't many dishes left to be washed so I wouldn't be here forever. I started with all the knives and forks, leaving the plates and bowls until last because they're easier. Having my hands stuck in this hot, soapy water brought back memories from my childhood. I broke one of my mom's vases once and she got so mad that I had to do the dishes for two weeks. Logan laughed at me every time he saw me in the kitchen covered in water, trying and failing at cleaning the dishes. Mom got frustrated enough that after a week, she let me stop because nothing was ever clean. That was the last time I washed the dishes. She'd probably be laughing at me if she saw me now, in the middle of the zombie apocalypse and trying not to get water all down myself. Thinking about this made me happy and sad at the same time. I'm glad neither of my parents got to see what the world has become, though.
"Adam?" A soft voice pulled me out of my thoughts and I found Beth standing in front of me, holding even more dishes.
I knew I was gaping so I tried to keep my cool. "Hey" Her smile was gentle, I could tell she was being cautious because she thought I might flip out about Zach so I tried to put her at ease with humour. "Looks like you got more work for me"
She giggled a little. "Sadly. Thought I'd collect 'em all, so you didn't have to, I guess"
I couldn't help but feel a little smug. Even with Zach right over there, it was plain to see how into me she was. I wondered if he had noticed, yet. I took the dishes from her hands. "Thank you, now I ain't gotta move my prawny fingers" I showed her my fingers that looked like they had ages a hundred years and she giggled again. Her eyes trailed down to my chest and I realised she noticed that I was wearing the shirt she had given me. I inwardly smiled to myself.
"I guess I better go" She said and my heart dropped a little. She opened her mouth a little to say something else but she stopped herself. She gave me a small smile before turning around to leave. I couldn't help but think it looked a little sad. I watched her walk away from me and approach Zach. As she walked I couldn't help but notice how good her ass looked.
Carol thanked me once I had finished cleaning the dishes and the table. I soon found myself back in our empty cell block with nothing to do. I sat at the table near the stairs and opened a comic book that Carl gave me. He gave it me a while ago and I hadn't really got around to read it. I wasn't sure if it was because I was busy or because comic books didn't really interest me. Nevertheless, I sat there and read the bubbled words.
Just as Spider-Man was getting a beat down from Sandman, Beth strolled past me and into her cell. The inside of her cell was in perfect view from where I sat so I watched her grab her journal and lie on her stomach on her bed. She began scribbling in it, her concentration frown smoothed other, though as her eyes slowly trailed to mine. My breathing hitched in my throat and I felt like I had been caught doing something bad but I couldn't tear my eyes away from her's. A shy smile played on her lips and she went back to scribbling in her journal. I tried to go back to my comic book but every time my eye trailed over the words, I found myself not reading them but instead thinking about Beth. Why was she in my head so much? It's like she dug her way into my brain and never intends to leave. I sighed and flicked the page of the comic book, hoping something will distract me.
That failed when Beth's screams echoed through the cell block. I was on my feet before I had even processed the possibilities of what could be happening. I sprinted to her cell to find her crawled up on her bed, searching for something on the ground. "What's wrong?" I asked her, my panic slipping through.
"There was a spider, I don't know where it is" She told me in a panicked rush. I felt a wave of relief wash through me. She was okay.
I started to laugh uncontrollably at her reaction and I felt her scowl burn into me. "Okay, okay. I got this" I told her, my confidence building. I got on my hands and knees to look under the bed for the insect and there sat the biggest spider I had ever seen. His legs were hairier than mine, quite possibly longer. Fangs snapped as his red eyes looked daringly into mine. Okay, I was probably exaggerating. But the fucker was big and my confidence creeped back down to zero when he ran out from under the bed towards me. A high-pitched scream escaped my lips and I jumped on the bed next to Beth. I felt my face flush red when she started chuckling.
"I thought you got this?"
"Yeah, well... thought I'd prepare myself first" I told her as I took off my black boot and waved it in front of my face. The whale with eight legs ran near the table which Beth and I had broken so long ago and stayed still. I slowly creeped off the bed and towards him, freezing when one of his hairy man legs twitched. With my boot in hand, I slowly made my way to him. "Shit!" And a couple of other screams escaped my lips when he started running at me and I panicked, throwing my boot in his general direction and jumping back to my spot on the bed. Beth and I intently watched around where the boot was, waiting for him to jump out but he never did. When I finally mustered up the courage, I crept off the bed again and tiptoed towards the boot. In one quick motion, I kicked the boot and scrambled back, expecting the fucker to run at me. But there he was, underneath the boot not moving. His hairy man legs were curled up to his body. I cautiously picked up my boot and poked him with it but he never retaliated. "He's dead" I told Beth as I struggled to put my boot back on.
She never replied, she only laughed, holding her stomach and falling sideways onto her bed. "Shut up" I mumbled under my breath but I couldn't contain my smile.
"I never knew you could scream like that" She mocked me before laughing again.
"Yeah, well, I never saw you jumpin' off the bed and risking your life!"
"Whatever" She giggled out. She got off the bed and grabbed a piece of paper, kicked the whale spider's corpse onto it and let it slide into her waste bin. "Anyway, thank you. For gettin' rid of the spider and for the entertainment" She smiled.
I put my hands in my pockets and shrugged. "S'what I'm here for" She went back to her bed and back to her room and I no longer felt like I was welcome. So I left her cell.
I stopped myself just as I got outside, though. This was the perfect opportunity and I was letting it slip through my fingers. I turned around and stormed back into her cell before I changed my mind.
"Do you love me?" It came out before I even knew what I wanted to say to her. Her big eyes flicked up to mine, surprised by the question.
Her mouth opened and closed a few times, trying to find the words to say. She put down her pen and sat up, letting her feet dangle off her bed. "Adam, I'm with Zach -" Her voice and small and quiet. I cut her off, angry at her for avoiding the question.
"You're with Zach, yeah, I know. But the question ain't changed" I told her impatiently. I sat down next to her and watched her avoid eye contact. Her body language screamed uncomfortable but I didn't care. This needed to be out in the air.
"I..." Was all she could muster as she fiddled with her hands in her lap. I didn't know if it was the beast I had just slain but the courage just kept coming. I put my one hand on top of her's to calm her, just like I have done before and her entire body froze.
With my free hand, I cupped her cheek and gently forced her face to face mine so she would look at me. And she did. Her green eyes were awkward and sad. I studied her for a moment as I gently caressed her cheek slightly before I spoke. "Beth, do you love me?" I whispered. Our faces were inches apart and if there were any noises other than her voice, I wouldn't have been able to hear it.
A tear fell down her cheek as she blinked at me. If felt like a life time, but she finally whispered her response. "Yes"
That was all it took for my lips to come crashing down on her's with an urgancy I'd only ever felt once in my life. My body felt like it was on fire the moment our lips met. I thought she was never going to kiss me back and I almost gave up, but the moment her lips started reacting against mine, I could feel that I was losing myself in her. She met me with the same urgency, one hand brushing through my hair while the other held my face in place. I could feel her nose breathing heavily on my face, we were both desperate for air but neither one of us wanted this to end. The need for oxygen overcame us in the end, though and we both pulled away at the same time, not letting our faces go more than a few inches away from each other. We breathed hard as we watched each other, unsure of what had just happened. Her face was fulled of mixed emotions but I could only place two. Horror and desire. She was either going to scold me or kiss me again, and as much as I wanted the latter to happen, I couldn't. She'd hate herself for it, and me as well. I should probably apologise, but I didn't want to. She wanted this just as much as I did. I decided on not saying anything, because there wasn't anything left for me to say. I kissed her cheek softly, letting it linger and left her cell.