New Jersey
Jay and Silent Bob were standing in front of the Quick Stop. It was a lovely Wednesday morning in late June. By ten, they had already sold half their supply for the day.
"Yo, at this rate Silent Bob, we'll be done by lunch time. Then I can gets me a fucking pink taco. Nootch." Jay said, putting two fingers up to his mouth, and sticking his tongue out between them. "I looooove me some sweet pussy."
Silent Bob just rolled his eyes and lit up another cigarette. As bad as Jay was, it was better then listening to the two quick stop boys. They were always either angsting over some chick, or talking about how Darth Vader was a closet homosexual. They needed to get a life.
A blonde kid in a loose green hoodie walked over to the two drug dealers.
"How much do you two still have to sell for the day?" asked the kid.
"Why you want to knows kid?" asked Jay.
"Because I'd like to talk to you two in private, and I figured that it'd be easier if I bought what you have left for today, so you don't have to worry about it." The kid took out a roll of 100's from his pocket and tossed it at Silent Bob.
"Shit kid, for that kind of cash, I'll have lunch box here blow you in the ally." The blonde kid just laughed.
"Nah, I don't swing like that. You guys hungry? Lunch will be on me." The two stoners followed the kid to the nearest Denny's.
"So what the fuck do you want kid?" asked Jay after they had seated. "Cause I ain't doing no porno without seeing the girls first." Silent Bob just looked at his lifetime friend like he was the idiot that he is.
"Actually, I came here to talk to your silent partner." Silent Bob just nodded at him, as to say 'go on'. "First, let me ask you something. Do you guys believe in magic?"
"In a young girl's heart?" finished Jay. "Fuck that shit man."
"No, I meant literal magic. Wizards and witches and shit." The two Jersey boys just shrugged. "Well, there's a hidden society of magic users all over the world. Particularly in Great Britain."
"This is a nice bed time story in all, but what does this have to do with tubby here?" asked Jay, the mouth piece of the duo.
"I'm getting to that. Anyway, a number of years ago, a man by the name of Tom Riddle started acting up. He was what they call a 'Dark Wizard', killing making a play for power."
"Like fucking Vader?"
"Sure. Anyway, Tommy boy's reign comes to a halt in 1980 when he's stopped by a baby. That's a story for another day. But today, he's retired and kicking back. But before that happened, he hooked up with one of his followers, a Jennifer Malfoy. From what I hear, back in the day, she was a crazy bitch. Around 1970, he knocked her up. The good guys got wind of this, and abducted Jennifer and her unborn child. Now, I should mention that those in power over there have their heads so far up their asses, it's not even funny. Instead of killing the woman, they decided to alter her memory and hide her. They also bound the magic in the unborn child, afraid of the scion of the Dark Lord. If you haven't already guessed, Jennifer Malfoy started going by Jennifer Blutarsky." Silent Bob's eyes widened at his mother's name. His mind was working at a mile a second.
"Wait, isn't that your mom tons of fun?" Jay asked his partner. Silent Bob just slowly nodded his head.
"Like I said, Tom's retired as it were now. But he asked me to find you, because he wants to get to know his only son."
"He still sounds like Vader, and that makes Silent Bob fucking Luke Skywalker. He wants you to rule the fucking galaxy with him!"
"Just so you know, your father isn't exactly…human anymore. The one thing he always wanted was immortality. He achieved his goal a few years ago, sort of."
"You never told us who you are kid." Said Jay.
"I didn't introduce myself? How rude. I'm Loki, god of mischief, chaos and multiple orgasms."
"You mean like Loki in those Thor comics?" Loki sighed.
"I hate those fucking comics. They make me out to be the bad guy, and a huge prick. I'm only a slight prick."
"So you really a god then?"
"Yeah. I've been asked to teach at a wizarding school, and Tom is going to be my assistant. Mostly to fuck with the status quo. His price for helping though, is he wants you to come visit for awhile. And yes, you're welcome to come too Jay."
"Why would we want to visit some fucking school for wizards?"
"Well, it's also for witches. And it's a boarding school, ages 11-17."
"So there'd be a lot of kids to sell to? And jailbait chicks? I ain't getting arrested yo." Loki was silent for a moment, looking as if he were trying to decide something.
"Ok, I'm going to tell you something I'm sure I'll regret later. The age of consent in the magical world is only 15, not 18 like it is here." Jay got a wicked grin.
"I'm gonna get some pussy, I'm goon get some pussy. And we're going to sell to some magic brats. Money and pussy, fuck yeah Silent Bob, we gotsta go."
Silent Bob looked like he was in deep thought. Then he asked the question that was on his mind, "Who am I?"
"Why don't you come with me and find out?" responded Loki.