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Chapter 26. Duties.

"But I have another duty – to my heart."

-Mulan.

I looked out over the crowd.

Focus, Isabella, don't cry, I coached myself. The men bowed low and the woman curtseyed and my father came as close to running towards me as he could without losing his dignity. And I tried to remain standing upright.

"Bells, I've been so worried," he panted at me, pulling me into his arms.

If this had been inside I would have cried, but it wasn't inside. This was in public, and I had duties. Duties to control myself and be a dignified representative of my country and my people.

"Father," I acknowledged him as he let me go, "May I introduce-"

"Lord Edward Cullen," my father nodded, grasping Edward's hand, "Carlisle's boy, know you anywhere."

I turned to Edward. I didn't understand how I hadn't realised it before. Edward really could only be Carlisle's son. They didn't look anything alike. None of the family did, for whatever reason. There were no similarities at all between them, but they all had that same exquisite beauty that could only be bred in one family. That level of physical beauty would be impossible for anyone else to reproduce. I was so stupid. So insanely stupid!

"My King," Edward replied, the same level of formality in his voice as mine. Was that because he felt as I did, that although we had to be formal his insides were in turmoil and putting a face on it was the only way to cope? Or was it because he was back to Edward as I had first known him, before he became mine? Before he was My Edward.

I didn't know. I didn't want to know.

"I think we should go inside," Carlisle's even, calm tones said quietly from behind us as the crowd's cheering began slowly to subside, "I shall make announcements as to where Bella has been etc."

"And where exactly have you been?" My father asked, the relief on his face being over shown by a gentle curiosity for the first time since he had seen me.

"Err, well, the thing is," I began, squirming again. Not because of my father, my father had never particularly made me squirm, in fact I could play him anyway that I wanted, but because I could feel Edward's eyes boring into me, looking at me properly for the first time since we had come out here.

He wanted to know if I would lie or not.

I turned but as soon as I did so he was looking blankly and emotionlessly into the distance. That indifference and the fact that I knew I had hurt him hurt me more than anything else. More than Jasper and Alice's arguments that were because of me, more than the knowledge of how much I'd worried Carlisle and Esme with my little stunt, more than how I'd worried my father, more than the fact I'd almost caused a war. I cared more about how I affected Edward than I did about how I affected the whole of Narnia. And I knew that that was wrong, that that was selfish and that it wasn't how the future queen should feel about any of this, but I couldn't help it. He was my priority. He always had been, he was would be. From the moment I had met him he had been the foremost factor of my life. I had known, from that first night that he was it; he was my ultimate, my everything.

And it hurt more than any punishment that anyone would ever inflict on me for it. In fact, right now, his punishment was all that I wanted from Edward. I wanted him to carry this charade of formality on out here and then I wanted him to grab me by my arm, march me to his room and then toss me across his lap and set my backside on fire as soon as we got inside. Because if he did I would have paid for what I did to him and that would sort of make it ok. Sort of.

But Edward didn't care enough about me anymore to punish me, to correct me. Edward just didn't care anymore at all. Because I had hurt him and betrayed him and I knew I didn't deserve him but I'd lost him. I'd lost him and that broke me. Surely, no matter how bad a thing I had done, I couldn't deserve this? No one could deserve this. And surely this Edward who didn't care, who didn't love me, surely that had to be a face? It had to be? He couldn't have felt what I did and then stop caring. Edward could have told me that he was a bloody living personification of the devil Tash and still I would have been unable to stop loving him. I loved him in everything that he was. Surely, after these weeks, he must feel that too?

We turned back into Carlisle's home and as soon as we got in Edward released my arm and Esme flew at me, wrapping me in her arms.

"Bella, oh, Bella!" she sobbed at me, "I've been so worried, you've no idea, I thought..."

I was fed up of this, of people crying and being worried. I was fed up of doing exactly what I had always wanted with no one questioning me. I wanted anger, I wanted punishment. Because maybe if I was punished then Edward could forgive me, maybe I could win back some of his respect. Maybe. Hopefully. I wanted Edward back. I needed Edward back.

Carlisle looked as though he was on the verge of giving me the punishment I was crying out for.

"Esme, don't," I muttered to her as he stared at me, "It's my fault."

"I don't care whose fault it is, Bella, I only care about the fact you're safe my darling!" Esme cried, holding me close.

"Well I care!" I snapped.

Esme released me and looked at me as though she was concerned that I was coming down with

something.

"I'm not ill, Esme," I said softly, "I just... I don't deserve you to care this much about me; I don't deserve you to be upset. I deserve you to be furious with me, the way I've acted. I've been so selfish, so stupid." I wanted to look at them, but I was too embarrassed, too ashamed, so I stared resolutely at the floor before muttering, "And I've been that way for a while too long now."

"Pretty speech, Bella," Carlisle said, crossing over to me and taking hold of my face, pulling it up so that our eyes had no choice but to meet. "But you're wrong. You do deserve us to be furious, yes. However, you don't deserve us not to care about you, not to worry about you. You are incredibly important. And I don't just mean as Isabella Swan of Narnia, I mean as Bella. As a person, as a daughter, as a friend, you are important to all of us. And we will always care. And we will always worry. And sometimes we will be furious. But we will always love you unconditionally, and that Bella, that is what you deserve."

"Thanks," I muttered, looking round for Edward as soon as Carlisle let go of me.

"He went away as soon as you came back in," Jacob told me gently.

"Away where?"

"I don't think he wants to talk to you right now, Bella," he said, again, gently.

"But I want to- I need to- to explain to him- to tell him that-"

"It's a lot for him to take in already, for all of them. Why didn't you just tell him? I mean, Carlisle's

son, it's hardly as if..."

"I didn't know he was Carlisle's son!" I snapped. I was losing my patience again. I always did. I didn't have the calmness that Edward and Carlisle had. I wished that I did.

"You did know, I told you he was."

"You did not!" I flared up, "How would you have known? And when in the name of Aslan did you tell me?"

Jacob raised an eyebrow, "I knew the minute I saw him that that's who he was. Remember when I said to you that you were in love and, you said that you couldn't be in love with him because you didn't even know his second name, and then I distinctly remember saying 'Bella I hate to point out the obvious but its Cullen, how could it be anything else?'"

"No, I don't remember this," I said stubbornly.

"That day at the market before you left."

The day at the market. I remembered that day. I remembered roses scattered on the floor. I remembered shouting that I didn't love Edward. I remembered his face when I turned to see him after having said that, not knowing that he was there. That was all I could remember of that day. I didn't want to remember it at all, because it hurt. It hurt to remember.

"Think Bella, think, I did, I told you who he was," Jacob urged me.

I tried. I thought for what seemed to be an age and nothing came to me. I thought whilst everyone seemed to wait in utter silence, the world could have ended whilst I thought without me noticing, I was thinking that hard. I thought long and hard and nothing came to me. And just as I was about to give up I remembered. I remembered like a punch in the gut. He had tried. He had tried to tell me. But by that point I had already started to shut down. I only had stilted memories of what had happened after Edward hearing me say that I didn't love him, it had been the worst breakdown I'd ever had or would ever have. Years of pain had come out at that time. But I remembered Jacob trying.

"Besides – there's probably one hundred and one Lord Edward's in Doorn – I don't even know his second name."

Jacob looked at me as though I was insane.

"What?"

"Bella I hate to point out the obvious here but-"

"Bella!" Edward's voice came sharply through the crowds.

"I must go," I muttered, "how will you get back to Narnia?"

It hurt even more than before to remember it now. Now that I knew what could have been saved, what could have been stopped if I had just heard what Jacob had said.

"Oh Aslan, Jacob, I've-" I began, but Carlisle cut over me.

"Bella I don't know exactly what's going on between you and Edward, but I will tell you two things. Firstly, that my son has always been most reserved, ever since he was a child, but that I have never seen him look at anyone the way he looked at you now even though he attempts to hide it, I see it in his eyes. He is furious with you, but besides from that, there is more there. And secondly, no matter what is happening, please realise that at the celebration ball, which it is my duty to host in your honour tonight, you will be expected to remember your duty and hold your head high and emotions in check. Though," he added gently, "it is never something you have had a problem with previously."

I took a deep breath.

"Please Lord Cullen," I replied in my most controlled voice, "Remember that I have always known and respected what is my duty."

"Of course, Your Majesty."

And we regarded each other in complete understanding.

"Bella you look beautiful," Alice said as she stood behind me at the dressing table mirror, having finished with my hair. Her voice was quiet, and she reminded me of her other half, of Jasper in the quiet, measured way she spoke.

"Thank you," I muttered back. Carlisle had gone to town to visit the Newtons and retrieve Jessica, and whilst he had been there he had picked up a new dress for me. It was a bright crimson red, which reflected my brown hair well, bringing out the little seen red undertone that ran through it. The dress was highly fitted and corseted at the top, with a large full skirt as was the Narnian style. Alice wore a purple Lone Island style dress, long and straight, and again I missed the height that the straight cut seemed to grant me. Aslan knew I could have used a few extra inches to do what I needed to do.

I would do it, though, with or without Edward, I would hold my head up and represent my country. I had done it earlier without his support. I had always done it without him. And having had him may mean that it would now be harder to manage without him, but I would do it. I straightened my neck, surveying the heavy diamond necklace that sat on my décolletage. My earrings were as equally ornate; I could feel the weight of them as they hit off my neck. I looked like Isabella.

"Thank you, Alice," I repeated myself, this time putting the generations of breeding and hours of poise and etiquette lessons that I had endured into my answer. I sounded like Isabella.

Alice caught my eye in the mirror and nodded. She understood. She was forgiving of what I had done, and she understood both why I had done it and what I would do now. Rosalie I had not spoken to. Although some bridges seemed to have been built between us I did not think that she would understand what I had done. She would treat me more courteously now that she knew who I was, but that did not mean she would understand. And it did not mean that she would treat me with more respect. How could I expect to be treated with respect by her or by any of them? I had been an idiot. I had behaved like an idiot.

"You know Bella, he might take a while to come around, but I think that Edward-"

"Is not what should be on your mind right now," Esme interjected as she came into the room, holding my tiara.

"No, he's not," I said, annunciating each word properly, feeling that perhaps if I put effort into the pronunciation of my words then perhaps the words themselves would not hurt as much.

Esme shut the door, "However," she continued, "I'm guessing there's not much else you can think about."

"I'm perfectly capable of managing not to think about him," I replied.

"Are you?" Alice asked sceptically, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Yes I am, actually," I snapped, the cool demeanour I had been working on being lost as they pushed at the subject which irritated me, "You know what Carlisle said, that I have a duty to my people to hold myself correctly tonight and as I told Carlisle, I have always remembered and completed my duties.."

"As you should," Esme said, moving into Alice's spot behind me and drawing the tiara out of its box.

I said nothing as she placed the silver and diamond encrusted thing on my head, feeding it under and over where my hair had been pulled so that it would not fall.

"Look in the mirror, what do you see?" Esme asked me.

I stared at my reflection. Just some ordinary girl with a crown on her head.

I cleared my throat as a lump raised in it, this was not the time, "Isabella Swan," I answered her, unsure what the expected answer actually was.

"Why Isabella Swan?"

Because there's a tiara on my head telling me that's who I am.

"Because there's a tiara on your head?" she prompted to my silence.

Aslan, are you a mind reader now Esme, I thought sarcastically, because gee, that's a talent that could be really useful.

Instead of voicing these thoughts I nodded mutely at her.

"What does that tiara mean to you?"

I sighed. Prison.

"That I'm the future Queen of Narnia?"

"So that tiara connotates then with that?"

"Yes."

"And what other things connotate with it?"

"What do you mean Esme?" I sighed again, exasperated, unable to see where this conversation was going. All I knew was that I didn't want to have to think right now, I wanted to paste on my Isabella Swan personality and go do my duties without having to think or feel or any of it.

"Well, the tiara links to being the future queen, it links to being Isabella Swan. What else links in there?"

"Doing things I don't want to do. Being someone I barely know half the time. Doing what I need to do for my country and completing my duties as someone in my position should, whether I wish to or not," I snapped, my words racing out, almost stumbling over the word in front of them in order to win first place.

"Really?"

"What do you mean really?" I snapped.

"Look in the mirror," Esme said gently.

I turned, completely fed up of what she was saying and watched as she unbraided the hair that threaded my tiara into place.

I winced a little as the tiara was removed from my hair.

"Now what do you see?"

I surveyed myself. Well I just saw me, what else was I meant to see? I looked in the mirror and all I could see was a little girl with skint knees from falling over so often and a grown woman with a broken heart from falling so hard that one time.

"I see Bella," Alice broke in to our conversation, "I see Bella but wearing a pretty dress and with her hair all done up."

"And I see Bella, because to me you've always been Bella, and you always will be Bella," Esme concluded.

I stared at my reflection.

"I don't know," I said slowly, "I look more like Isabella, because of the dress and everything. But I don't have the tiara so I look a bit more like Bella in that sense, in comparison to before..."

"Bella, does a dress define you?"

"What?"

"Why do you see Isabella? Because of how you look? Because you're wearing a fancy dress? Or do you see Bella because of the lack of tiara? Is it the tiara that defines you?"

"No... It's..."

"It's you."

I stared at Esme in the mirror.

"Bella, whether you are wearing a tiara and a ballgown or a pair of riding boots and a plain dress, you are Bella. And Bella is only a different way of saying Isabella. It doesn't make you a different person."

"But it does, I separate those parts of it."

"Those parts of what?"

"Those parts of my life."

"Bella, you're deliberately being awkward. They are both parts of you, because they are both you. You do not become someone else with different thoughts and feelings just because someone calls you the long or short version of your name. You go on and on about your duties as Isabella, but as soon as the crown comes off do you not still then have the same duties?"

"I have duties to do different things when I'm-"

"No, Bella, you do not have different duties to different things because you are always the same person, why do you not understand that? Do you not see how complicated you are insisting on making everything by separating yourself into two people? You think Edward will love you as Bella but not Isabella? Isabella IS Bella, Bella IS Isabella. He cannot only love one half of you. He will love you in everything that you, for everything that you are or not at all. That is not to say that he will accept that you did not tell him from the start, of course he will not accept the fact that you kept half of yourself hidden from him when I suspect Edward laid out his whole heart, body, mind and soul for you, but he will come to forgive you. The fact that he is angry with you does not mean that he doesn't love you just because you have another part of you!"

"I gave Edward my whole heart, my whole body, my whole mind and my whole soul!" I roared at Esme, "Do not tell me that I didn't. I have him myself."

"Then if you gave him all of you, then you must have given him all of Isabella also."

"Esme you're confusing me," I screamed, my voice hoarse, "I gave Edward everything except the Isabella half of me."

"Bella you do not have two hearts, two minds, two bodies or two souls. You either gave him all of you or not at all. You cannot split a heart a soul a mind or a body to only give him half."

"Then in that case I gave him everything I had."

"Then you gave him Isabella."

"Esme..."

"Bella, all you have kept from Edward is that you are the future queen of Narnia, yes?"

"Yes."

"Then you have not kept much from him."

"Esme, that changes everything, that involves a whole other life, a whole other set of rules and duties and-"

"Does it change you?"

"Pardon?"

"Bella, it may change your surroundings or what you have to do with your days, but it does not change you. And if Edward is to love you then he is only concerned with you."

I stared at her, then turned to look in the mirror.

"You may have duties, Bella, but as the Princess and as the Queen, as you will come to be, you will always have those duties, you can't decide not to be who you are for a day and not have those duties, unfair as that may seem. But everyone has duties. Duties that you don't need to have for anybody other than yourself."

"Esme... I understand that I am both Bella and Isabella and that they are not separate people, but I don't understand what duties you are talking about. I have duties for my father and my country and my people and-"

"Everyone has a duty to themselves, to their happiness."

"I have to put others in front of mys-"

"Bella, you have a duty to your heart. And if your heart needs Edward to function as mine needs Carlisle then you had best act on it. Because without paying attention to your duties to yourself, you cannot do your duties by others. There is a line Bella, after which you get to you cannot continue to sacrifice your own needs and desires, because if you do then it will all backfire and no one will benefit at all. Narnia does not need a heartbroken Queen."

"And I don't need a heartbroken best friend," Alice added.

I met their eyes in the mirror one last time before looking at myself.

"Put my tiara back on, please, it is a part of me that I wear it."

"Are you sure?"

"Edward must accept me as Bella with a tiara on her head, as throughout life I will numerous times be Bella with a tiara on her head and that is a part of me."

"Very well," Esme conceded as she began to rebraid and twist and thread my hair into complicated loops and spirals.

I stared after it was done.

I was Isabella. And I was Bella. I was IsaBella. Isa Bella. Isabella. Bella. Isabella.

Edward, if he loved me, would accept that.

"Thank you," I said to Esme, as I left the room to the sounds of trumpets to make my way downstairs to the ball.