Graduation
"It's been a while."
"Ana's out of control."
"What makes you say that?" Dr. Flynn sat back leisurely and watched Christian pace around the office. "And please, sit down. You're agitating yourself."
Christian sat and frowned, silently pensive.
"You'll find that I can't help you much if you do all the talking in your head."
"She's getting into my business. She wants to know everything."
"And why can't she?"
"Because she's not supposed to ask questions. Do you know what I'd do to a sub who asked as many questions as she does?"
Flynn raised his eyebrows and gestured for Christian to continue.
"I'd… they wouldn't. I've never encountered someone like this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with her."
"Interesting."
"Interesting? That's your great insight?"
"I notice that you said Anastasia is out of control."
"And?"
"And what I'm hearing is that you're the one who feels like you're losing control."
"Fine. I'm losing control." Flynn beamed, and Christian glared at him. "What?" Christian all but spat at him.
"I'm impressed."
"Nothing's impressive about not being in control. I need-"
"I know you need it," Flynn interrupted uncharacteristically. "Which is precisely why I'm impressed that you could admit it." He paused and regarded Christian proudly. "You're growing."
"No. This is dangerous. This is not a part of me that I want to change. Control is important, it's necessary. When you don't have control-" Christian broke off and paused for a moment before finishing bitterly, "-you end up like the crack whore."
"Or you end up like everyone else."
"That's not a chance I want to take."
"Even if Ana needs you to?"
"I'm trying. I told her I would try."
"I think that's all she's asking of you."
"Be hungry. Want it. Fight for it. It's as simple as that, except it's really hard as hell." Applause erupted around the assembly of Washington State graduates and they stood for Christian like a single shining, rippling mass of black and red gowns. "Thank you." He tipped his head slightly to the crowd and moved off the stage, away down the stairs on the side, his place taken by the president of the university.
"Thank you, Mr. Grey. What inspiring words…."
The president's voice faded into a meaningless hum in Christian's mind as Taylor and Welch fell into place on either side of Christian and helped him shoulder his way through the crowd surrounding the temporarily erected stage. They weren't inspiring words, they were honest words. When there was nothing to do but work, nowhere else to go, you worked. Either that, or you destroyed yourself, but Elena had made sure of it that he didn't destroy himself with drugs and alcohol and urges he didn't understand, triggered by memories that came to him at very inconvenient times. When Christian was finally back in his front row seat, he let his eyes lose focus and ignored the used cliches the valedictorian was dragging out for the crowd to chuckle feebly at. Instead, Christian remembered the day his mother realized he was never going to graduate from college.
"Young man, don't walk away from me."
So Christian hadn't, because after everything he'd done to her and behind her back, he couldn't deny Grace this one simple request.
"We're going to talk about this."
Christian had remained immobile in the doorway, his hand still half reaching toward the doorknob, his back toward Grace.
"I'm your mother. I deserve a conversation. I deserve at least that."
Christian had turned around slowly and tried to look anywhere but at the tears in Grace's blue eyes.
"Why?" Grace asked, and her voice wasn't sharp anymore, it was resigned. Christian knew that tone. She was giving up.
He shrugged.
"I need more than that. I need-" Grace's voice broke, and Christian had a powerful urge to tear himself apart with his fingernails for causing her pain. He wanted Elena. He wanted to be punished. He deserved to be punished. He wanted pain.
"I'm trying so, so hard to understand you, Christian." Grace had continued. "But you've got to give me something."
"I don't know."
"YOU HAVE TO KNOW!" Christian only barely flinched, but Grace saw it and her chin quivered."I'm sorry," she whispered.
"I don't know." Christian's voice vibrated tensely like a string pulled taught.
"Honey, you need to give me a better reason. I can't just accept that you're throwing everything away for no reason."
"I don't want to go to school," Christian said, staring at the ground and knowing he sounded like he did when he was five years old and Grace tried to put him on the bus to go to kindergarten.
Grace remembered it, too. "Oh, Christian," she sighed, going up to him just as she had then, and unnecessarily brushing his short hair off his forehead. "What am I going to do with you?"
Christian stared at the ground and said nothing.
"Can I hug you?" Half a nod had been all the consent he could muster, and when her arms wrapped around his waist, it took Christian a moment to remember to return the gesture. "All I've ever wanted to do is take care of you," Grace whispered, mostly, Christian suspected, to herself. "I just want you to let me take care of you."
"Can I go now?"
Grace let go and looked at Christian sadly. "Why do you always push me away just when I get close? Dr. Swillow says I'm not supposed to encourage the idea that something's wrong with you, I'm not supposed to make you feel like I'm trying to repair you, but I am, you need help and I'm supposed to fix you, I'm your mom, that's my job, but I don't know how. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be your mom and I don't know how to be." She broke off abruptly and pressed her hand against her mouth, as if she was trying to take the words back, except it was too late for that. "What can I do?" She'd finally asked, softly.
"Let me drop out of Harvard."
"It's Harvard."
"I know it is."
"People don't just drop out of Harvard."
"It's not right for me."
"Then what is right? Where do you belong? Tell me where you belong, and I'll get you there, I swear to you I will, I'll-"
"You can't."
"Please. Please just let me be your mother. I'm asking you, Christian. Please."
"I have to get there myself."
"I don't want you to be alone."
"Mom! I'm okay. I'm not literally alone." He'd taken Grace's hand then and squeezed it, letting her hide her face in his shoulder, closing his self-hatred and guilt up in a box and locking it away tightly until he could unleash it on Elena, who would understand it for what it was.
"Mr. Grey!"
Christian returned to reality with a start, and looked over his shoulder in the direction from which his name had been called.
"Mr. Grey," he heard it again, quieter this time, and Christian's gaze fixed on Voleur, seated two rows back.
"You've got to be kidding me," Christian muttered to himself, as the other people seated nearby began to take notice and stare between Christian and Voleur. He shook his head marginally at Taylor, who looked about ready to personally remove Voleur from the premises, and Christian stood, not bothering to glance over his shoulder to check that Voleur was following.
"You're here," Christian said when they were in a grassy area, away from the crowd.
"Apparently my speech-making needs work, so I figured I'd learn from the best."
"Stop bullshitting me."
"Alright. I'll cut to chase. I've no doubt that by now you've confirmed for yourself that I'm your father."
"Is that supposed to change something?"
"You're talking to me, aren't you?"
"Touche. What exactly do you want from me?"
"I want to be your business partner."
"You want my charity."
"You have something to be gained by this, too, you know."
Christian cocked his head at Voleur, questioning.
"Right now, Grey Enterprises Holdings works in sustainability."
"Clean energy and renewable agriculture, yes," Christian clarified.
"I aid unemployed factory workers, you deal in mergers and acquisitions."
"We save their jobs instead of just giving them money and tools to build their resume," Christian realized, his eyes lighting up as it dawned on him.
"You help my organization by structuring cleaner, more efficient factories and keep my guys employed in them. In return, you get a monopoly on that industry, and you have the materials at hand to innovate better communication technologies and energy systems."
"And we both benefit from the publicity we each bring to the table."
"Exactly. An equal partnership. No charity."
"It's almost perfect."
"Almost?" Lines of tension appeared between Voleur's eyes. "I assure you, I'm happy to do anything in my power to accommodate your needs. A partnership like this has too much potential to waste."
"Like I said," Christian said, shaking his head. "I don't do business with family."
"We're hardly what one could call family."
"And yet the first thing you did here was use our shared blood for leverage."
"It won't happen again."
"There's too much between us. Too many questions, too much history, too much confusion. It's messy. I like to keep my affairs clean."
"You have questions?"
"No," Christian said, maybe too quickly, surprised that he'd even said it.
"Of course you have questions," Voleur said, as if it was obvious, natural, and suddenly Christina caught a glimpse of the charismatic minister-counselor who won the trust of people who'd lost everything. "Then I'll answer them."
"I'm not sure how entangling our personal lives even further is going to help?"
"I pulled the father card because I thought it would surprise you and throw you off your game, maybe make you think twice about me, and it wasn't fair. It was dirty business. Get everything out in the open, and we'll be on equal footing. No surprises. No leverage. Just partners."
Christian hesitated, tempted.
"You know this is a business dream come true."
"Grey Enterprises Holdings is already very successful. We don't need you."
"Didn't you just tell these graduates to be hungry? Complacency never built innovation."
"Fine."
"Is that a yes?"
"On the condition that you remain entirely honest with me."
"Of course." Voleur extended his hand.
"I'm looking forward to doing business with you, Mr. Voleur."
"No need for being distant. Call me Larron."
"Hey," A voice said just behind Christian. He looked over his shoulder to see Ana. "Am I interrupting something?"
"No," Christian said, wrapping his arm around Ana's waist. "I was just finishing some business."
"Hi," Ana said, nodding politely to Larron when Christian glanced back up at him. To Christian, she added, "The ceremony's over. Want to go find Ray?" Seeing the surprise on Christian's face, she added, "You don't have to, if it's too much-"
"No. Let's go. I'll see you on Monday to discuss matters further, Larron." He waited until he and Ana were several feet away before he said, "Your father."
"Yes."
"The military one."
"Yes." Ana giggled slightly, and Christian looked at her curiously.
"What?" he asked.
"You're nervous."
"I stole his daughter's innocence."
"I think I can remember not to mention the fact that you deflowered me."
"Don't be sarcastic."
"Or?"
"Or nothing. This isn't the conversation I want to be having right before I meet your-"
"Anastasia!" someone shouted over the buzz of the crowd. A big, well-built, middle aged man pushed his way toward them. "How's my girl?" Ana ran the last few steps toward him and they embraced tightly. "I'm proud of you, Ana-banana."
"Dad!"
"Oh, am I embarrassing you?"
Ana smacked his arm lightly. "I have someone for you to meet."
Ray looked up and caught sight of Christian, waiting respectfully at a slight distance. "Mr. Grey!" Ray recognized him immediately. "That was a great speech. Really genuine and meaningful."
"Thank you, sir." Christian inclined his head to Ray modestly. "It was an honor to be asked to speak."
"The honor is all mine right now, Mr. Grey," Ray said, stepping forward to shake Christian's hand firmly.
"Please. It's Christian."
Ray raised his eyebrows slightly at the personal touch. "How nice that you take the time to mingle after the ceremony. I'm sure you're a busy man."
"Actually," Ana interrupted, blushing, "Christian isn't just here to mingle."
"Oh?" Ray looked to her in confusion, and if Christian wasn't so nervous himself, he would have been amused by the shyness that had replaced Ana's ease of just moments ago.
"He's my boyfriend," Ana continued, her face bright red.
Christian reached out and squeezed her hand briefly. "I'm a very lucky man," he told Ray, whose warmth was fading fast. "She's…" Christian trailed off and blinked at Ana, almost speechless himself as he tried to find an adequate way of describing her. "She's one of the best things to happen to me."
"Ana, you didn't mention this."
"It's a recent development," she said, regaining her voice and her usual skin tone.
"Are you happy?" he asked, looking directly at Ana, as if Christian wasn't there, as if she was the only thing that mattered. Christian smiled at their evident bond.
"Yeah, Dad. I am."
Ray turned his attention back to Christian. "Good," he said gruffly.
"Are you staying?" Ana asked, looking at Christian expectantly. "We're having dinner."
"Wouldn't miss it."
"Come on," Ana said, putting one hand on Ray's shoulder and the other in Christian's. "Let's go somewhere quieter."
"So, farming, huh?" Ray asked Christian as they moved toward the periphery of the crowd. "When I was deployed, my guys saw a lot of people who were hungry just because there wasn't any fertile land around."
"Actually, we're working on better irrigation systems, they're quite good but we haven't quite got the distribution we'd like in the places that need it most, because they're war zones."
"That so?"
Christian grinned, at ease now, as they all walked toward the parking lot together.
"Ray likes you," Ana said later that night when they were both lying on his king-sized bed in the Heathman Hotel.
"I like him too. He's down to earth." Christian grinned, kissing the top of Ana's head. He was shirtless, his arms up over his head and his hands tucked behind it. Ana's head lay on his shoulder, and she craned her head to look up at him, her eyes twinkling.
"I know. I was worried because you two are almost complete opposites, but you got along perfectly."
"Because we both love you." The words were so natural, so logical, that Christian said them without thinking, as if he'd known it his whole life. It had been the only response that made sense, the only thought in his mind for weeks, and now the truth was there, reverberating in the small space between them.
He waited for Ana to say something, but instead she sat up with agonizing slowness, and so did he, mirroring her posture as if it would let him see her thoughts reflected in her eyes. Say something, he screamed with every inch of his body except his tongue. She reached out, taking his face very tenderly in her hands, and leaned her forehead against his in a gesture that was shockingly intimate, before saying the only thing that could have made Christian glad for his accidental honesty.
"I love you too."
"I love you." He said it very deliberately this time, testing the words. It was a new kind of consent, a new kind of trust, because it was a piece of control, a piece of power, that he was willfully giving to her. It was somehow a victory instead of a surrender.
Anastasia smiled, and seeing her so elated, seeing that he was the reason for it, made Christian feel a pride that was different from and better than the one he felt when he dominated a woman. "You look happy," he whispered to her.
"I am happy."
A/N: So their relationship is finally progressing! Review, please?