Chapter 26

Flimsy Conclusions

Sirius had been my first kiss and I think he knew that, that me must have guessed. As it was, I couldn't bare to face him after it happened so instead I through myself into placing different concealing charms on my flat. Sirius seemed equally interested in being diverted and I had brought him months of backdated papers, as he became fixated on obsessively trawling through them. Tearing out certain articles and cramming them all into an old filafax I'd picked up. It had been easy to avoid Tonks since everyone in the ministry was on high alert and working non-stop. Remus was also laying low, no longer working in Diagon Alley. I theorized that he was attempting to stay out of the way due to his connection to Sirius Black. After the first fortnight the concealment charms on the rooms were good enough that Sirius could move through the apartment more freely now without fear of detection. His footsteps couldn't be heard in other parts of the building and the flat appeared empty for anyone looking through the windows.

I was back to work on half hours and I was permitted to hide upstairs when dementors checked the building once every other week. Whenever this happened Sirius would have vile nightmares. Usually I slept on my squashy settee and steered clear of him once the sun had set but on those nights I would go to him. Partly seeking reassurance for myself in the heat of him. The old taboos were reinstated and we spoke mostly about practical things and culture. Only after the first time I kissed him did I explain that I had not taken him from Azkaban just because I had a crush on him. That it had been an act of friendship. The kiss had been a mistake and I tried not to show how much I wanted to mess up again. We lived as friends, we teased eachother and found a way. Sirius' memories of our old conversations returned quickly. The snatches of himself that the dementors had taken reemerged, turning Sirius back in to the vibrant man he must once have been. He was clearly planning something but I think he was trying to find a way to execute the plan that would not jeopardize my safety.

We'd been sharing the little flat for a full month and I was dazzlingly happy. One evening I had come from work and Sirius and I sat next to eachother on the couch that functioned as my bed by night. Sirius had regained some weight and colour under my constant fussing (which complained about but obviously adored). He looked good, his hair was trimmed up around to his jaw line which was hidden behind a neat beard. Even after a year out of the institute I was unused to grown men who weren't Remus and I always tried not to stare at him because he was self conscious about his scars. Sirius was more like me. Not very self conscious at all. Either he just didn't think much about it or dawdled for hours around the house in his towel after bathing just to torture me. I had taken to doing the same, realizing as I now did, the sway such an act had. There was still a small part of me holding out for Sirius to desire me. I didn't know too much about desire but I knew I sometimes felt it for Sirius. I felt it just as I fell asleep, when he said my name and when he teased me.

I was trying to flirt with Sirius as he rifled through his filafax of newspaper cuttings, he was trying to collect intel on his not so secret mission. I leaned across him to 'get a pen' (wink), to 'do my cross word' (wink). I laid hand on his thigh to get by but it slipped on some paper,

"Fuck!" Black professed and pressed his hands to his forehead;

"Shoot!" I hissed more quietly to myself after realising how much that particular knock hurt. I had headbutted him and then tumbled onto the floor. I quickly saw my opportunity as Sirius massaged his injury and clambered into his lap to investigate the damage. I pretended to be focused on the slightly pink section of skin I had inadvertently damaged. Pushing his hair back and moving his filafax aside to get a 'better look'.

I nestled down with one leg on either side of his and smiled;

"You'll live." he didn't seem to be able to move as he grinned back. I had made him still for a moment, I took this as a good sign. I had seen Tonks do it loads of times.

"What a relief." He replied. I lent up and kissed his forehead.

"All better.." It was then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw my wand rested where I had been seated a moment before. But if my wand is there then what. I turned confused to Sirius and wondered if he had concealed a wand from me all this time. Or worse if he had left the safety of the apartment to retrieve one from downstairs.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Sirius asked, more teasing than truly concerned. My wand flew into the palm of my hand with a slap and I pointed it at him. He brought his hand up to the level of his eyes in bemused surrender.

"Don't move!" I replied, my wand trained on him. My hand slid down his between us to retrieve the suspect object I could feel pressed against the inside of my thigh.

"Woe, woe…" His eyes were wide and my hand paused a moment, silly plan. I suddenly found that I wasn't quite as heavy as I had previously thought, with what seemed to be a sufficiently small amount of effort on his part, I was very much under Black. I lay under the warm worldly man, sprawled across the couch. I tried not to let any hint of accusation into my eye… I decided not ask him what it was. He clearly didn't want me to know.

"If you're wondering if that's a wand in my pocket Malfoy," he laughed breathily and I felt his breath fan over my face, "I can assure you that I'm just happy to see you." He then pressed his hips against mine and kissed me, hard. He might have even growled. I wondered how that poorly executed attempt at flirting had succeeded when all other attempts had been brushed off but decided I didn't mind. I had waited almost a year for him to kiss me like this. But apparently Black wasn't as interested in kissing as I was. He promptly sat back and pressed his face into his hands. He acted as if he wasn't like a giant, warm, dangerous, mysterious, smoke scented, ink stained felon who I would very much have liked to kiss for reasons beyond my comprehension.

"You don't want to?" I asked in a small voice, terrified to further break the spell I had somehow managed to cast.

"Oh, I want to." he breathed shakily;

"Then why don't you?" I pressed;

"You know when you touch me, you almost made me feel normal, like myself. Like none of this," he gestured to the filafax and the spot where my sleeve had tucked up to reveal my still mutilated arm with one hand as the other still covered his face, "matters. Like what has happened hasn't happened. I don't trust it and just because we are probably engaged doesn't mean you have to.." he moved his hands to look at me but his hand quickly covered his face again; "Jude can you please not be unbuttoning your shirt right now." I paused on the fourth button and tried to look sheepish.

"Sorry." I whispered, he had sounded the most enthralling type of annoyed; it almost made me want to be the same sort of annoyed. But then he laughed and I found myself laughing as well. Oh I wished I was funnier. I really loved his laugh, and as I laughed like a belle and he laughed like a dog he leaned very close to me and kissed me again very all of a sudden.

Warm, confusing, pulling. He didn't stop after a moment, I didn't know what to do before he was pulling away because he wasn't pulling away. He had caught my small lips in his own warm pout.

My heart picked up, I felt my blood rushing under my skin. He had me pushed into the sofa again, his heart caught on my waist and on my leg. He pulled my top lip away from me and I genuinely did not want it back, keep it, I would have said if I had it.

His breath was coming fast and suddenly his hands were every where and a moment later I felt the gentle slip of his tongue over my lip, before any further thoughts could be developed I whispered;

"More." in a voice which was unexpectedly husky. His eyes looked more full then I had ever seen them, beautiful and brimming with everything, he looked like he had just… I don't know but I wasn't going to wait around to find out.

"I have to, um, Sirius, I have to go." His body became perfectly still and I cleared my throat. He slipped off of me and I began to fix myself, shifting to the other end of the couch. "Sorry I-"

"-No," he cut across, "I'm sorry, you're just a kid. I-" I blanched.

"That's not it at all I just..." Wasn't that it though? I was scared because I didn't know what I was doing, where this was going.

I needed to find someone to ask about… tongues and brains making their own new strange ideas without permission. I needed my best friend.

A/N: Rrreeeevuuuueeewwwwuuuuhhhh and thank you for reading!