We were directed below deck after boarding. The lack of sleep was really beginning to pull at my limbs. I wasn't the only one. Alistair and Leliana each claimed one of the small cabins with barely more than a 'sleep well.'

"So… um, this has been an interesting day so far, don't you think?" I said when we were alone.

Zevran walked into one of the cabins, gesturing for me to follow. I sat on the bed, which all but filled the room, dropping my pack at my feet, and he closed the door once I told Dane to stay in the hall. "Did you really expect I would, what, condemn you for this?" he said, sitting next to me, setting his own pack near mine.

I shrugged. "Maybe? It's not a small thing."

"It isn't," he agreed. "But I'm the last one who would be in any position to pass judgment. You know this."

"Otherwise pragmatic people get funny when it comes to magic. Especially, um… that type of magic. I mean, the chantry says—"

Zevran snorted, cutting me off. "The Chantry says a great many things," he said. "Although his priests may disagree, I highly doubt the Maker would fault anyone who is only trying to end a blight." He leaned against the wall near the foot of the bed, stretching. I tried not to stare at how the muscles in his thighs tensed while he did this. I really did. "Do what you feel you must. I only wonder if this is really something you want. You can't even bring yourself to say the words."

I fell back to the pillows. "It's too late now, regardless. I mean, there's no undoing it. Even if I live another thirty years and never use the spells just knowing them makes me a maleficar in the eyes of the Chantry."

"You know that's not what I mean."

"I know that isn't what you mean," I said, sighing. "I don't know if it's me. Maybe? I decided I would do this if the opportunity came up months ago. We really do need the extra help." I stared at the ceiling. "Duncan- that's the man who conscripted me- he said Grey Wardens use any means necessary. He told me their mages have used blood magic in the past. I got the impression he assumed I would learn it eventually."

Zevran shifted so he was laying in the same direction as me and rolled to his side, facing me. "Is this what you want, though? You want to be a maleficar? I know we haven't known each other long, but that just seems… unlike you."

"I want to end the blight," I said. "I want to keep us all alive. I want to be a good Grey Warden. If this can help me with those, then yes, it's what I want." I bit my lip. "I was a pretty lousy apprentice. I had good grades, and I know I'm a powerful mage. But I wouldn't have been trusted to mentor a pot of dirt. I was constantly in trouble, I don't think I went a single day without breaking at least one rule for the last five or six years. I was probably the worst Circle mage ever. In my first day I ended up breaking into the repository, stealing a staff, knocking down a wall, destroying a phylactery, and helping a blood mage escape. Getting conscripted into the Wardens is the only reason I'm even alive now."

"So this is because… what? You think it's expected of you? You think you owe it to this man who conscripted you?"

"Not exactly," I said. "I've never really done anything right. Duncan knew that, too. The First Enchanter tried to convince him what a horrible choice I'd be by showing him my records. It didn't change his mind, though. I don't know what he saw that made him think I'd be a good Grey Warden, or that made him think I could be even more than that. But I want to try and live up to that. I want to do something right at least once in my life. So, if the Grey Wardens say stop at nothing and use any means necessary, that's what I'll do."

"Just yesterday you told me of your fear of possession. I may be mistaken, but I was under the impression that maleficar were more vulnerable to that sort of thing."

"Not more vulnerable," I said. "More tempted. I… I think I can manage, though. I honestly don't even know if I'll have the same problem. Demons usually target mages in the Fade, and the most common reason anyone visits the fade is because they're asleep. But…" I paused, not sure how much I could tell. This seemed minor enough, though, and the entire camp basically knew anyways. "But I don't dream anymore. Not since I became a Grey Warden. I only have visions of darkspawn and the archdemon. I don't know if that will change after the blight, but even if so I know I can resist them."

Zevran's face contorted with sympathy. He sighed. "I can't question your reasons," he said finally. "It all makes sense. I would do the same, were I you, without a moment of hesitation. But it still doesn't feel like you. Blood magic… I can't reconcile that with a woman who spares and forgives a man that tried to kill her." He sat up, looking down at me. "You're usually so damned good." I smiled, the sentence was spoken with a tone of exaggerated annoyance. He was being sarcastic, but only in part. "Even now… the fastest and smartest decision would have been to end the abomination immediately. That is the rule, yes? Abominations and possessed mages are killed on sight? What will the Circle do but tell us the same thing? And yet here we are. I don't see where blood magic fits in to that."

"I can't see a spell as good or evil," I said. "A spell is like a sword. It can be used to kill darkspawn, to protect people. Or it can be used to, I don't know, rob travelers and hurt people. A weapon isn't good or evil. It just is. The morals belong to whoever wields it. A spell is the same way."

"What about mind control?" he said.

"Ugh," I replied. "The very thought…" I smiled at him. "Zev, I may be a mage, but I'm still a Fereldan. If there's one thing we respect here its freedom. The idea of taking someone else's away… no. I'll kill someone, but I'll never enslave their mind."

He chuckled. "Ah, this country and its notions of freedom and equality. It's really rather charming. Especially hearing about it from a woman who had none whatsoever until, what, six months ago? Seven?"

"And it made me appreciate it all the more," I said. "You shouldn't make fun. It certainly worked to your benefit!"

"True," he said. "It is an odd feeling, though. Freedom. Exciting, but also…"

"Overwhelming," I provided. "But in a good way. Like… a lifetime worth of plans rushing at you all at once."

"Yes!" he said, falling back again. "I sit and think… after the blight, I could see the world, perhaps spend weeks with the pirates on Llomerynn, move to a cabin in the woods- although that idea didn't last long, I'm far too much a city elf for such nonsense… But, it is merely knowing that I can."

"Fantastic, isn't it?" I grinned. "I feel the same way. No cabin in the woods, though. That just sounds too deadly dull for me, even as a passing fancy."

"Oh, it's the ears," he chuckled. "Every few years the idea of moving to some filthy forest crosses my mind. And is very swiftly rejected."

"You know we're going to have to find the Dalish come spring," I said. "We have a treaty promising their help."

"I ran away to find them once," he said. "It… did not live up to my fantasies. My mother was Dalish, I never knew her but all my life I had built up this elaborate idea of what life must be like among the wandering clans." He gave me a rueful grin. "Based, sadly, on a pair of gloves."

"Gloves?"

"Yes," Zevran insisted. "Dalish gloves. Covered in embroidery and utterly gorgeous. They had been my mothers, they were all I had of her, really, since she died giving birth to me." He sighed. "My first victim, as it were." I moved closer, putting my arm around him. "I knew next to nothing about her, just that she was Dalish. And I knew next to nothing about them. All my ideas were formed looking at those gloves. Years later, when I heard a clan was passing near Antiva City I ran off to find them. I returned to the city before long. And that ended my adventure with the Dalish." He sighed. "My Crow master took the gloves from me years later, we weren't allowed such personal mementos. And that was that."

"I'm so sorry," I said, horrified they would take the only thing he had from his childhood. "It sounds like living with the Crows was just unending cruelty, it must have been awful."

"It could be worse," he said. "Shall I tell you what happened to the other whorehouse boys who didn't get purchased by the Crows?" He pulled me closer to him. "I know your life hasn't been considerably better. People like us… we're not the end result of happy and contented childhoods."

"I suppose I can't argue with that," I agreed before yawning, unable to stop myself. The Circle wasn't a happy place, but it certainly didn't seem as bad as what he went through. Sure, we were just as likely not to survive our training, but at least we weren't physically tortured for years along the way.

"You need to rest," he said, sitting up. "Now that I say it, it occurs to me that I should do the same." Zevran began to stand up, glancing back at me briefly.

I bit my lip and reached out, grabbing his hand. "Stay?" I asked him. "Um, that is, if you want."

He yanked off his armor without answering and climbed into bed. "Brilliant idea," Zevran said, smiling. "Now I can ravish you as soon as we wake without having to get dressed and walk over here. You have a devious mind." I suppressed my sigh of relief and tossed my robes on the floor before sliding under the blankets. I had been worried he'd say no, or it would become some sort of thing, and I really didn't want that. I didn't want to be alone, either, though. Not after the day I'd had and the one I knew was waiting for me across the lake. Feeling his arm tossed across my waist, breath against the back of my shoulder, it wasn't long before I fell soundly asleep.

I could hear two people arguing, a distant faint sound. "She is sleeping."

"All afternoon?"

"What? You would like to check her pulse, make sure I didn't poison her?"

"I'm just saying she never sleeps this long. I've known her for longer than you."

"Fine," the first voice said, loud enough now I could make out the accent. Or perhaps I was just drawing closer to actual consciousness. "She fought all night and most of the morning, found the man she thinks of as her brother in a dungeon, and then faced what I suspect would be every mage's greatest nightmare. And now we travel to the one place she would give anything to avoid. By all means, wake her. I'm sure it will be a lovely day. Not at all full of the screams of an upset mage accompanied by the stomping of feet and ice covered fists being waved in our faces. I'm sure you, with the benefit of your long friendship, realize her temper is minimal and not something to concern ourselves with in the least."

"You… you may have a point."

"I thought as much."

"All of you people gossip too much," I muttered, sitting up. "And you're loud."

Alistair looked over and gasped, covering his face. "You're naked!"

"I'm under a blanket, you can't see a thing." I rolled my eyes as he turned red. "Maker's breath, Alistair. Calm down, my breasts aren't going to jump out and attack or anything."

"This is just wrong," Alistair grumbled, turning his back to us. "Look, I just wanted to tell you we're almost halfway there. They said we have to get out at Kinloch Hold."

"Why not take us right to the tower?" Zevran said.

"No outside boats, I imagine," I said. "Someone could stow away on one and get out of that prison."

"Yes," Alistair said. "Although I wouldn't put it quite that way."

"I see," Zevran said. "Well, all right. Get out."

"Huh?" Alistair said, probably confused by Zevran's sudden dismissal.

"Or stay," Zevran said. "But she is naked and awake, so in a moment I'll be naked, and it seems rather unfair, what with you being fully dressed and all. Unless you wanted to… join us?" As if to demonstrate how serious he was the top of Zevran's armor loudly clattered to the floor. Alistair bolted from the room.

"Oh, that was mean," I said, laughing as Zevran locked the door behind my embarrassed fellow Warden.

"And amusing," Zevran said,

"True," I agreed. I looked over as he unbuckled the rest of his armor. "You have more tattoos!" I exclaimed, seeing the dark swirls and curves covering his body.

"How is it you're only now noticing this?" he said, looking shocked.

"When have I seen you out of your armor in the day? Well, besides this morning, but I was half asleep by then already."

"Yes, but at night it is not that dark. There is the fire, light from that does pass through the tent. And the moon, of course…"

"And I'm a human so I'm pretty much blind at night compared to you."

He raised an eyebrow. "I know there's a difference, but that much?"

I nodded. "When we covered it in one of my early anatomy classes, maybe ten years ago. A few of us went into a room without any windows after, cast a spell wisp, and held up fingers for each other to say how many we could see as the spell faded. I couldn't have seen my own hand right in front of my face and the elven apprentices could still answer correctly. I was jealous, it made me wish I was an elf."

"That is a statement I never expected to hear from a human," he said, eyebrow raised.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh yeah, why would want to give up the life of privilege I've known as a mage."

"You have a point," Zevran conceded. "We were only told humans couldn't see in the dark as easily, so targeting them at night was wise."

"And yet you attacked me just before lunch…" I mused, giggling.

"The women of this nation are cruel," he sighed, falling back onto the bed. "Fine, mock my poor planning. Question your good fortune. Where would you be if I had found you at night?"

I cast a spell wisp, and summoned a ball of glowing purple energy in one hand, a flame in the other. "If it's too dark I can make my own light," I said. He chuckled and I let the spells fade away, leaving the wisp hovering near the ceiling.

"And that?" he asked, pointing.

"Harmless," I said. "It'll fade, it's something children are taught." I focused, hoping I could still manage the old trick. Another wisp materialized above me, this one shaped, very roughly, like leaf. "I can probably still manage a heart. I used to be able to do birds and butterflies, but it's been years. Not sure if I can anymore."

"Try?" Zevran said, sitting up and looking very amused. I shrugged and closed my eyes, trying to concentrate. I opened them when I heard his laugh. Looking up I saw a small glowing shape that, if you squinted and tilted your head just right, might roughly resemble a crow.

"Yeah," I said. "I used to be better. There's no real use to them. It was just something we did to show off. I knew someone who could do cats. That was impressive."

"No, it's very entertaining," he said, clearly trying not to laugh at me. "You could perform for small children!"

"Oh, I can just imagine the look on the Knight Commander's face if someone suggested sending a mage out to entertain children."

"Ah, the Chantry has no vision," he said. I didn't respond. My casual reference to the Knight-Commander sent my stomach into knots about what waited at the other end of the lake.

He looked at me and sighed. "Stop worrying. What is the worst that could happen?"

"They grab me, haul me off, and swiftly separate my head from my shoulders as punishment for unleashing a maleficar on the Ferelden countryside?"

"Twice now," Zevran laughed. "Although it was the same one each time… I don't know if that should count."

"Maker's breath," I gasped. "Whatever you do don't mention him when we're there. He wasn't in Redcliffe. We never saw him." Shuddering I tried to imagine how they would react. "I'll have to tell Alistair and Leliana."

"You think we don't know this?" He shook his head. "I would be far more worried about your… new skills being discovered. Can they just… tell somehow?"

"No," I said. "Definitely not. They'd have to catch me in the act."

"Well then," he said. "It seems you're getting nervous for nothing. Now, you were asking about my tattoos, yes?"

"Not really asking," I said. "Just admiring. They're nice."

"Nice?" he smirked. "At home, someone seeing these would know me instantly to be a Crow. Here, it is 'they're nice.'" I rolled my eyes at his attempt to imitate both my voice and accent.

"Lots of people have tattoos," I said. "Even in the tower. I was tempted to get one myself, actually."

"This is a strange land," he mused, kicking off the rest of his armor and crawling back under the blankets.

"No it isn't!" I insisted. "This is normal. It's everywhere else that's strange."

"Normally I would have several arguments at the ready for such a statement," he said, "but, you are a naked woman in bed with me and I would prefer for this conversation to end sooner rather than later." He pressed my back against the mattress and shifted on top of me.

"One condition," I said. Zevran raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Never ever try and imitate my accent again."

He paused and grinned. "All right, I can agree to that. Same rule applies to you."

"Deal," I said, hooking one of my legs around his waist with a grin.

I had been slowly getting bolder about using magic with him. He didn't seem to have any fear of it whatsoever, to my surprise. It seemed a lot of what I'd been told in the tower didn't exactly pan out as true. Zevran groaned against my throat and said something under his breath as I sent sparks dancing down his side.

"Is that good?" I asked quietly.

"Very good," he said, grabbing me by the hair and kissing me. I managed to squirm out of his grasp, sliding down the bed. Quickly grasping my plan, Zevran made a pleased sound and shifted to his back. He muttered something else in Antivan, winding his hands through my hair as I took him deeper into my mouth. After a few minutes he began to groan and I increased the pressure.

"Stop now," he gasped, trying to pull me up. I attempted to keep going but, well, mages aren't known for their strength. I giggled as he pulled me up by my hair and shoved me to my back. "You do realize," Zevran said, climbing onto me, "that you would only be depriving yourself, yes?"

"You were enjoying yourself," I said.

"And I'll enjoy this," Zevran countered. I could feel him against me, teasing. I tried to shift my hips, pressing my hands against his back. He only grabbed my wrists, circling each with his hands and pinning them to the bed. "Look at you," he chuckled.

"Zevran!" I whined.

He shifted his hips slightly, teasing me further. "I know," Zevran muttered as I groaned. "Very frustrating, I'm sure." I made a face at him. "You do have a lovely pout," he smiled. "Oh fine. The things I do for you."

I sighed happily, hooking my legs around his waist. He was whispering something in my ear, but being in Antivan I couldn't understand a word of it. I suspected it was filthy, though. It sounded filthy, judging by his tone of voice. Zevran kept his hands around my wrists which, while strange at first, turned out to be… sort of fun. It wasn't until I struggled against his grip, my body arching off the bed as I shrieked, that he let go, wrapping his arms around me instead as I fell back, sinking into the mattress. I heard some sort of crash from somewhere on the boat and vaguely wondered if we had caused it.

It wasn't until later, when we had caught our breath, that I realized the banging noise I heard wasn't some sort of… boat noise. Someone was pounding on the wall. "Maker's breath, can you two keep it down?" shouted an angry Orlesian-accented voice.

"Sorry, Leliana," I called.

"It must be very annoying to her," Zevran whispered, arms still wrapped around me. "She was in that Chantry for two bloody years."

"Ouch," I said, realizing what he was actually saying. "I think I'd go mad."

"I know I'd go mad," Zevran replied.

After getting dressed we ate a quick meal from the dried rations in our pack. That done, I went to get some air while Zevran organized our various poison making ingredients or, well, whatever it was he did with all those bottles and chemicals.

Sitting cross-legged on the deck near the front of the ship I heard someone approaching from behind. "Something is bothering you." Leliana sat next to me, looking out over the water.

"Maybe," I said. "I don't know. Something feels… wrong. And the closer we get the worse it seems."

"You're just nervous," she said. "Do not worry. You know even if they wish to do something we won't let them."

"I know," I said. "I just… I just thought I'd never have to go back there." She passed me a waterskin and I took a sip, not entirely sure why Leliana was even handing it to me. Once I tasted it I figured out her intent, though. "So… all this time…?" I asked, trying not to laugh.

"No, it's not always wine," she said with a giggle. "Well… often. But not always." She stretched her legs out and looked at the water. "So… you and Zevran…?" she said.

"I'm sorry," I groaned. "I didn't think you could hear us through the walls."

Leliana just laughed. "That's not what I mean. Although I am curious about what you did to cause him to make that noise."

I held up a hand, ice coating my fingers. "Sorry, nothing I can teach you."

Her eyes went wide and she gasped, putting a hand over her mouth. "You know… I always wondered if mages ever had spells for, oh, fun."

"Why not?" I shrugged. "But… what were you saying about Zevran?"

"Not Zevran," she said. "You and Zevran. I see what's going on there. You are acting like a schoolgirl! Well… maybe not a schoolgirl. But it is definitely a change from your normal behavior. All giggles and glances and so on. Quite adorable, really." She paused. "Well, when it isn't all screaming and so on like earlier. That is… not so girlish."

"Adorable?" I said, trying not to groan.

"Oh yes," she nodded. "And he is quite the character." I raised my eyebrow, not quite sure what she meant by that. "Oh, you know what I mean. Exciting. He seems to live only for pleasure, but there is more to him, isn't there?"

"It sounds like you've been studying him," I said.

She laughed at me. "Maker's breath, you are a jealous one. He tried to kill us, I thought it would be wise to grant him special scrutiny."

"What?" I said. "I'm not… jealous." She snorted. "I'm not. Why would I be? I've never been before."

"Have you ever actually been in a relationship before?" she asked. I started to talk and she cut me off. "And just having sex with someone does not count."

"Um… no? Maybe one." I paused, trying to determine if Brennan and I would have qualified as a relationship. "No, none," I said after a moment's thought.

"None?"

"What?" I said, feeling defensive. "I should have planned to settle down and have a family? I can't even have children, the Chantry would take them away."

"Why?" she gasped, horrified.

"Because I'm a mage," I said, shrugging. "That's how it works. And if the child didn't end up being a mage they would be forced into a life as a priest or templar. Which is really a fun kind of irony, if you think about it. Thankfully barrier spells have many, many uses."

"Oh, that does sound handy," she said, looking lost in thought.

"Yep," I agreed. "So are you still worried Zevran will try to kill us, too?" I said. "Is that what this is about? I get enough of that from Alistair."

Leliana scoffed at that. "He has had opportunity. With you more than anyone, since you're so… close. He hasn't tried, though."

"He hasn't," I agreed. "And he's actually saved me from what would have been, at least, horrible injuries in more than one fight."

"He does seem to fight with one eye on you at all times," she agreed. "But no. What I was going to say is that, since you obviously trust him, I do too. You haven't steered us wrong yet."

"Thank you," I said. "Can you tell Alistair that? He actually thought Zevran did something to me in my sleep earlier today. Their arguing woke me up."

"I have," she sighed. "He's only worried about you. He thinks you're too trusting." She looked away, like there was more. I stared at her. "All right," she said. "He told me you were completely sheltered with no idea how life outside the tower worked. He said just because most mages say whatever they're thinking and do whatever they want you assume the same of everyone."

"That's not true," I said. "It didn't take me long at all to figure out just how repressed everyone else is. No one says what they're thinking, and no one does what they want. I don't just mean sex, either. I mean everything. People are saying one thing, and you can tell they don't mean it! I feel like I never know who I can trust. Everyone we met in Orzammar, Isolde, even Teagan wasn't being honest with us. He could have gotten me into the castle a day earlier, and we could have stopped the demon before the attack even happened!" Sighing I tried to calm down, it had been bothering me that I constantly felt like I couldn't trust anyone for months. "Zev has been the one of the only people I've met who says exactly what's on his mind. I mean, think about it. He told us who hired him, why, how, all perfectly clear and straightforward. It's fantastic. I don't have to worry since he doesn't hide a thing."

Leliana moved closer to me. "I'm sorry," she said after a moment. "I shouldn't have lied about my past. I'm sure finding out the people you travel with have done the same thing doesn't help."

I smiled at her, hoping she knew I wasn't offended. In truth, it did bother me that she never told me the truth, and I probably still wouldn't know if I hadn't asked. But, on an intellectual level I could understand why. "No, I understand why you hid it. And I haven't been any better. I only told Alistair and Morrigan what happened at the tower. I suppose the outside world is rubbing off on me."

"I understand telling Alistair. He is your fellow Warden. The two of you have many secrets the rest of us can't share. But you told that woman and not me!" I had suspected Leliana was less fond of Morrigan than she let on, this would apparently be confirmation.

"She's a mage," I said. "I thought she would understand. This is before we were even to Lothering."

"You thought she would understand?"

"She lectured me for even longer than Alistair did. Different subject matter, though. 'Blood magic is the refuge of the weak,' 'this is why most men are not to be trusted,' 'your belief in people's honesty will be the death of you,' that sort of thing."

"I wonder what her thoughts are on Zevran…" Leliana mused.

"She told me to have fun but keep my guard up." Of course, she had also said it was sickening to watch us, but I didn't need to repeat that.

"Very pragmatic," Leliana said. "I'm not surprised. She told me that watching the two of you make eyes at each other all day long made her feel ill."

"Yeah, I got a bit of that, too. We don't make eyes at each other, though. I mean, I admit, I might… glance at him from time to time. But look at him! How could I not?"

"Of course," she only laughed. Leliana left to find something to eat not long after. I stayed on the deck as it grew dark, watching the tower against the cloudy and biting my lip. Part of me wanted to scream and run, as fast as I could, in the opposite direction. Leliana was probably right, it was just nerves. That didn't make me feel any better, though.

"If you stop looking at it you'll probably feel much better."

I turned around and saw Zevran approaching, picking his way around the various ropes and other… boat things littering the deck. "Probably," I agreed.

"The others have gone to bed," he said. I'd slept most of the day, and wasn't particularly exhausted, but the idea of sleep didn't sound entirely unwanted. It was rare to actually get any in a real bed, for one thing, or without giving up several hours to taking a watch. He held out a hand, I took it and let him yank me to my feet. I stumbled a few times on our walk back towards the door, not able to see the items scattered across the deck. "You were not kidding about being blind after dark," Zevran said, wrapping an arm around my waist. I couldn't help it, even the moon was all but hidden by the clouds. "Rope there," he added. With his help I made it inside without cracking my head open.

I was relieved to see Zevran followed me into my cabin. Shutting the door behind him, he pulled off his armor and climbed into bed beside me. Pressed against him, I listened to the regular sound of his breathing, worries about reaching Kinlock Hold by the morning and the tower not long after keeping me from rest.

It's never addressed in the game, but the first book goes into a lot of detail about how elves can see better at night than humans (Hence Loghain's scout unit being almost entirely elves).
Some game dialogue, here and there, but most moved around and tweaked heavily.

And, if you don't follow AOA as well, I can share new art! Seriously, my readers spoil me. :) You'll need to remove the spaces to see everything (or go to my profile where I have them linked):
Phoenix and Ashes did this fantastic pic of Maggie in a scene from chapter 22 looking her... classy best. ;) http :/ phoenixandashes. deviantart .com /#/ d2zlm2y
Galagraphia did this awesomely EPIC picture of Anders and Maggie from AOA. http :/ galagraphia. deviantart. com/ #/ d2zlyda

Thanks so much to everyone who reads and reviews!