Chapter Twenty - Holy Shit
Cleansing my soul, cleaning it of any and all impurities. Oh, if only it were that simple...
No, washing one's soul isn't easy. Especially if you're moral standards are equivalent to a prostitute. But according to a questionable self-help website I must leave behind the past and embrace my shining future.
The past is behind, the future ahead.
Listen to only the positives voices.
If all else fails, jump in the lake because your screwed.
Like mentioned before, it's a questionable site. While advocating self-worth, other pages gives tips on how to end it all. I'm not at that point just yet, but on the bright side I now know how to kill Camille and make it seem like an accident. However, I'm positive I'll be found out because I'll be the only one at their funereal with a bottle of celebratory champagne and a big grin with a pink party hat. "Let's be honest, aren't we happy this bitch is dead?"
Cue the police storming the church. Assuming they'll allow that harlot to be buried on holy ground, anyways.
Shit, getting side-tracked - this isn't about Camille no, it's about me and my soul, my horny withered soul. You see, for the better part of my teen years I've been what you may call your "common whore" my promiscuity rivaling that of Camille Conta. I had one person to blame - myself. There, the hardest part is over. Admitting it. For years I've been shouldering the blame on Adrian, where a part of my brain still thinks this is the case I still hold some responsibility. Most of it really.
So, now that the self-loathing is over, time to get clean and I know where to start.
Church!
Yes, thou holy place. Where god's spirit rest with the comfort of hypercritical 'holy people' and their bibles that haven't even been open. However they still rest on their night stand while they fornicate with their common whores - with their Roses. Nevertheless there are still some good people who go - like Lissa's parents. (Can't totally count Lissa because she may be screwing the devils spawn as we speak) So, a memorial day - an atheist daughter is going to church to 'find herself' like the website says.
So, I find myself in front of my mirror. I nervously give a small twirl in the white dress. I purchased it several days ago. It's not something I usually wear, it borderlines on being too modest, with its cap sleeves, long length that brushed past my knees and no intricate designs. Very modest. Very church-like. I gave an awkward smile at myself in the mirror, with my hair pushed back with a few pins and virtually no make-up on; I looked a lot younger - plainer. But plain is what I need, you need to have nothing to start something.
So says the website.
I grabbed a small modest purse, filled with gum, tissue and twenty bucks. A stark difference from the condoms, beer and forty bucks that I kept in here. But this is Church, bringing condoms into God's Build a Christian Workshop may get me struck- and ruin my new dress. With another look in the mirror I head downstairs to see my mother and Abe chatting over morning coffee. When they catch my eye their jaws go slack.
"Rose, what are you wearing?" My mother asked. I take a banana out of the fruit basket, but I quickly remember my no-whore policy and grab an apple instead.
"It's part of my 'Holy Virgin' collection. The whole 'Fifty cent hooker' thing is so last season." I said taking a big bite out of the red fruit. "Now if you excuse me mother, I must be going to Church." I said with a wave, turning around to walk out the door but knew it wouldn't be that easy.
"Hold up," Abe said. "You're going to church. Voluntarily?" He asked with clear disbelieve. I gave him what I hoped was a charming I-have-no-emotional-damage smile.
"Yes, but I believe you know nothing of God's home. Especially since you recently bought a one-way ticket to hell." He cocks an eyebrow so I quickly explain. "Ruining a teenage girl's life by marrying her mom is one of the Eleven Commandments."
I smirk but quickly hide it with a fake scowl. "Shame on you Abe. Shame. On. You."
Janine rolled her eyes and gave a dramatic sigh. "Fine, but you need to come home right after. Abe and I…well…we have something to tell you." I looked over at the two with suspicion.
"Did you get her pregnant?" I asked.
He smirked. "Not recently."
I rolled my eyes. "Hilarious." I said deadpanned.
"…and then God created the heavens and earth…" Ugh, man I've been in this church for what seems like hours, but every time I nudge Lissa she says it's only been a few minutes. I wish God can create a livelier priest; this man had the charisma of a brick wall. Which is actually an insult to brick walls. He reminded me of Ms. Kirova, the lady-like-bird who reads scriptures to the captive misfits of detention. If you fall asleep she'll smack you with a ruler that is guaranteed to leave an angry red mark.
But for church, instead of dozing off I ran up my phone bill by buying apps – like Fruit Ninja. However, Rhea caught me and snatched my phone away causing my finger to swerve into a bomb. Bitch move. No, bitch isn't appropriate for church. High-strung female move is more proper.
Luckily, I wasn't the only having troubles keeping my eyelids open. There was Christian who came only to be with Lissa. Still, there couple time was limited. Before we came in, Rhea and Eric set rules that Lissa and Christian can only hold hands for twenty seconds with ten minutes in between – heavily monitored by Rhea Dragomir. It was set in place to avoid 'temptation of the flesh' which I think is a fancy way of saying sex. They were desperate to keep Lissa's virginity. You know the virginity that doesn't exist.
After prayer we headed out. Rhea and Eric had somewhere to be so we drove in Lissa's car. Once inside I let out my frustrations.
"God, I'm never going to church again!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah, nice way to start that sentence, Rosie." Christian said. "I for one feel very…holy."
"Bullshit!" I said. "I don't feel any different, except maybe a bit for tired."
Lissa sighed but didn't comment. After several moments we pulled into my driveway, I thanked them for the ride and walked into my house. I think back on what my mother said about having to tell me something.
When I walked inside I spotted Abe and Janine in the living room. I sauntered towards them. Mom looked up from the book she was reading. "How was church?" She asked sarcastically.
A thought occurred to me that moment and I fought the devious smile that threatened to come on my lips. "Church was wonderful." I sang and I looked over at mom. I sat on my knees in front of her and spread my arms in a wide gesture, as if embracing the sky. "I found god."
"Really, because I thought he was always in one place." Abe said.
I groan but ignore him. "Mom, I plan on being baptized." I said with a serious face. "I'd love if you came."
"What?" She exclaimed, throwing down her book.
"Don't they only baptize babies?" Asked Abe, puzzled.
I looked over at him. "I am a baby Abe, I'm…" Wait for it. "Reborn!"
"Bullshit!" Janine shouted. For a moment I'm taken back to when I said the same thing to Christian. "You can't really be religious."
I smiled sadly at her and get up. "You're not accepting my new way of life. Hopefully you'll search inside yourself to see the new me. Till then, I'll pray for you." I crossed myself just for dramatic measure. Janine was about to say something else but Abe put his hand on her knee to silence her.
"Maybe because she's a new Christian she can exhibit some of their qualities." He said to her. "Like forgiveness, understanding and patience." Those words directed to me.
"Yes, exactly Abe. Now that I'm religious I feel renewed, uplifted…holy." If Christian can see my now…
"Good, then." Janine said stiffly. "So, Abe and I have something to tell you. Something that may shock you, something that will maybe make you a bit angry, confused or hurt-"
"No, first we need to pray. Now, let's all hold hands and begin." I grabbed onto Abe's hand and Janine and began prayer. I had to rake my brain to remember how to do this. Hmm, what did that preacher do at the end? Start with god, end with Jesus…or something like that. Like when I lost my virginity, I'll wing it.
I closed my eyes and began. "Dear heavenly father I'll like to just take these seconds out of my short day and say…thank you. Thank you for the holy air I breathe, the holy water, the holy floor, the holy walls, the holy hole –"
"Rose we need to talk about something. Wrap this up!" Janine fumed. I ignored her.
"The holy house, the holy chair, the holy T.V, the holy hair-"
"Rose this is important!" Janine yelled and tried to yank her hand away, however I kept it firmly in my grasp.
"The holy nail polish, the holy brush, the holy tampon-"
"Just tell her Janine." Abe said.
"The holy pads, the holy toilet paper, the holy toilet."
"Abe is your father!"
"THE HOLY SHIT!" I open my eyes and yank my hands away from them. "The fuck, mom?"
"Don't you mean the holy fuck?" Abe quipped.
I glared at him, a glare that made flowers wither and babies cry. "Didn't you do enough fucking, Abe!" I seethed. "You're not my father! No, no, no!"
I could feel Janine's glare behind my head. "Rose, don't talk to your father like that." She chastised.
"My father?" I asked. "I'm a bastard! A fucking bastard! I have no father." I glared pointing a finger at her. I couldn't even stand to see their faces so I stomped out of the room in a very childish fashion. It hit me when I got to the steps that I forgot something.
Awkwardly I walked back in, reluctantly grabbed their hands again, closed my eyes and said. "Amen." Then dropped their hands like a hot potato and stormed to my room.
"…and then they just said. "Rose, I am your father." It was like some fucking Star Wars remake but with an attractive actress." I ranted endlessly with Lissa beside me, mindlessly stroking Oscar who purred in her small lap.
"Wow, you complained about them and then gave yourself a compliment. Nice." She commented. I waved off the small insult and asked her what I should do.
"What do you mean? Their getting married in a month. You're going to have to come to terms with the fact."
I sighed and turned around so I was lying on my stomach. I grabbed one of Lissa's stuffed animals and played with its fluffy ears. The unidentifiable animal (a bear I think) had a large tummy and black eyes. What those haunted eyes must have seen…
"It would have been easier knowing that he was just a step-father. There was nothing between us expect annoyance. Now there's this D.N.A strand…" I huffed. "How and I find myself with this stupid strand!"
Lissa looked thoughtful for a second. She was very happy when I announced I wanted to change my life, for the better. She was extremely supportive, jumping in and helping me out. Like when I wanted to reclaim my virginity and abstain. That worked out brilliantly. However, she never gave me an explanation on why she threw me out of the car that one time. She just said she was 'extremely disappointed' but I had a feeling there was more.
"Think of it as a positive. You always wanted to know who your father was." Lissa points out.
She was right. I was always curious about who my father was. When I was a child I imagined him being some super hero and the reason he wasn't with me and mom was because he was saving the world. As I got older, my ideas got more practical. I imagined him being far away or maybe he didn't know I existed. When I reached my teens I just stopped giving a shit. I imagined he was just some sum bag, nothing more than a sperm donor. However, I liked him more than Abe.
It's horrible irony that the mysterious sperm I imagined as my father and Abe are the same person.
Damn.
I need Dimitri. He can make me feel better, with either his tongue or dick. Preferably both. I want him. But I won't have him, not yet. He deserves a woman, not a confused little girl.
Maybe I should check that self-help website again…
"I just need to get my shit together. Maybe then I can be with-" I cut myself short. Shit, I almost revealed being in a sort of relationship with Dimitri. God, if Lissa found out I'll be being kicked out the window.
"Be with whom?" Lissa asked intrigued and then gave me a knowing look. "Perhaps, Dimitri?" My eyes widened and I sat up to look her in the eye. She gives me a smug smirk, probably taken from the Christian Handbook 101. Snarky ass is contaminating my best friend.
"How'd you know?" I asked.
She gave me a shrug and smile. "The way you looked at him Rose. You weren't just fucking him with your eyes. It seemed more like you were imagining your wedding and naming your future children."
"Kylie and Josh." I answered automatically. "Both adopted of course. My body's a temple and there are no visitors."
"Also I always wondered what transpired that night of the party. You never came home. I know, I asked your mom."
I let that sink in for a moment and braced myself for the ridicule that was sure to follow. When it didn't, I spoke. "Aren't you going to chastised me for fucking the principal – again?"
"It wasn't just fucking was it? You had feelings for him, I can tell." I lay back on her bed. Oscar walked near me, cuddling up to my side as if he can feel my distress. I rub his small body, letting his soft fur glide between my fingers. I was usually disgusted by the small creature but right now I needed another warm body cuddling up to me – even if it's an animal.
"I love him, Lissa." I lament. "Like in that sappy Lifetime movie kind of love without all the murdering."
"Then why were you with Adrian?" She asked meekly. "I was so pissed. Probably even more than him. That is if you told him. I just…you were so happy and I was so angry to see you mess it up. Case you haven't noticed, your sort of an unlikable person and this may be your only chance at finding someone to spend their life with you."
Yeah, defiantly from the Christian Handbook 101.
"I was drunk and pathetic." First admitting it. "I can't really blame Adrian, I took the first drink and it never stopped. We went to the hotel room and did some foreplay but I must have drunk dialed Dimitri and he came and stopped it before anything happened."
"Wow, like the damsel in distress."
I rolled my eyes. "I really hate being the damsel. She's some stupid girl that gets into situations that she shouldn't have been in anyways. Then she begs for some handsome knight in shining armor to rescue her and then they fuck like bunnies."
"I know. That's why I made the comparison." She said expressionless.
"Except I didn't get the sex. At least that time."
"Maybe that's why you're so conflicted. You need sex. Find yourself a dick."
I groaned. "I don't just want a dick, Lissa. I want Dimitri's dick!" Lissa's eyes widened and she peeks her eyes behind me. Hesitantly I looked over my shoulder to see a shocked Mrs. Dragomir holding a tray full of cookies and two glasses of milk. Her eyes were widened in shock and disgust and her hands shook a little.
"I wasn't…I'm not…it's not…" I stumbled over the words awkwardly. Lissa remained silent as the grave behind me. "I'm a virgin." I finally blurted.
A/N – I had no idea what to do with this chapter, sorry for the long wait. It's just a little filler.