Chapter TWENTY SIX – A Meeting of Minds

The two men glared at each other.

"Well come on," said John impatiently, "someone throw the first punch."

EJ shot him an irritated look. "We're not coming to fisticuffs, Uncle John."

John looked very disappointed. "Shame, it's been ages since I've seen cuffs get a good fisti."

Eric looked at EJ askew. "What does he think fisticuffs are?"

"I shudder to think, and if you're smart you'll never ask."

Eric looked over at John who was looking back with calm nonchalance. He winced. "I guess you're right – bigger fish to fry."

"It's bigger fish to dry," John corrected him.

"We just had this conversation," said EJ in aggravation, "it's fish to fry, fish to fry!"

"You have to dry them before you can fry them," John argued.

Eric waved a dismissive hand at him. "John, keep a lid on your crazy – we've got a real problem here."

"You don't have problems," John scoffed impassively. "Try being dead and then we can talk."

"Oh god," EJ groaned, "the dead card, I'm so sick of him playing the dead card." He gave John a stern look. "Being dead doesn't top every problem list."

Eric wrinkled his nose. "Actually, I think it might."

"Well, yes, alright," EJ grumbled, "but it has nothing to do with what we're dealing with now."

"Give wifey a chance to move that piano and it still might," said John knowingly.

Eric frowned. "Why is Sami mad at you?"

EJ sighed heavily. "There was a slight misunderstanding."

"He backed the wrong horse."

"Ignore him," EJ advised Eric.

"Do you know what happened here today?" Eric demanded to know.

"I'm not entirely sure of the details but I managed to glean the general gist of things," said EJ ruefully.

"Nicole is pissed."

EJ just stared at him, not really caring.

"You owe me these." Eric snatched the flowers out of EJ's hand. "Nicole is on def con five right now."

"Oh, and I'm wearing this because it brings the highlights out in my eyes?" asked EJ sarcastically as he pointed to his underwear on his head. He pulled the boxers off his head and threw them on the ground with the growing pile of the rest of his wardrobe.

"Your crazy wife started this," Eric insisted.

EJ arched an eyebrow at him.

"Alright," Eric grumbled, "it was probably mutual, but Sami went too far."

"Samantha only comes in the one flavour – over the top. You know this, she's your sister." EJ grabbed back the flowers. "And besides, yours is hardly a fading rose. I once saw Nicole knee a waiter in the groin when he spilt some gravy near her new pair of shoes."

Eric narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Really?"

"If you don't believe me then why not ring the "Gilded Lily" and ask for yourself why we're all banned from there." EJ grimaced. "Of all the restaurants Samantha and I are banned from I think I miss that one the most." He shook his head and sighed. "Unbelievable lobster they had."

Eric looked vaguely horrified. "How many restaurants are you banned from exactly?"

"Four," EJ lamented, "which is coincidentally the exact same number I've attempted to take both Samantha and Nicole to at the same time. I gave up after the fourth one because I was afraid the only place left in town we'd be allowed into would be Chucky Cheez."

"Why were you taking Nicole and Sami out at the same time?"

"In my less jaded youthful exuberance I figured if I could just get them talking they'd realise they don't hate each other as much as they think they do."

"How did it go?"

"Did I mention the banning from four restaurants?"

Eric pulled a face. "Look, Nicole and I are at a delicate stage of our relationship. You and Sami are married, the deal is sealed." Eric grabbed the flowers. "My need is greater."

"Samantha is pregnant and hormonally challenged right now." EJ retrieved his flowers. "My need is definitely greater."

"Sami drew all over Nicole and let her humiliate herself in public," said Eric indignantly. He tore the flowers from EJ's hand. "You owe me!"

"Fine, take them," said EJ calmly. "I'm sure Nicole won't mind getting hand me down flowers, especially if they were originally intended for Samantha."

Eric glared at him, and then shoved the flowers back at him. "Bastard."

"It's every man for himself, buy your own bloody testicle saving flowers." EJ smoothed part of his bouquet back into order.

Eric eyed the enormous size of the bouquet. "Just how big are your cojones anyway if you need something that big?"

"Samantha is very upset," EJ said regretfully. "I would have gotten an even bigger bouquet but the next size up was the one you lay on a coffin."

"You should have taken it," John informed him. "Coffin flowers still might come in handy."

EJ didn't dignify that observation with a comment.

"John, did you see what happened?" asked Eric.

"Yes."

"Why didn't you stop it?" asked Eric in frustration.

John looked confused. "Why would I do that?"

"Ignore him," EJ advised him again.

Eric threw up his hands. "To avoid all this, of course."

"I'm enjoying all this, why would I want to avoid it?"

"Both of our women are mad at us, how is that enjoyable?"

John narrowed his eyes as he regarded Eric. "Do you really need to ask?"

"Schadenfreuden," said EJ in disgust.

"What?" asked Eric.

"A shameful glee in another person's misery," John translated.

Eric's eyes went wide. "I didn't know you spoke German, John."

"Ich weiß nicht, warum fragst du (I don't, why would you think I do)?"

Eric glanced over at EJ. "Did he just deny knowing German?"

EJ sighed heavily. "Yes."

Eric looked back at John. "But you just spoke it, John. You must know it."

"Your logic is faulty," said John coolly. "I can say the word ballet, but I don't know how to do that either."

"But-but-"

"Why won't you just ignore him?" asked EJ in despair.

"I don't know," Eric groaned. "It's like having a hang nail and not being able to help yourself from chewing on it even though every fibre of your being is telling you to stop."

"Look, about Samantha and Nicole, here's what I propose." EJ took a deep breath. "You smooth it over with Nicole, as I will with Samantha. Then after we get through the New Years Eve party, which is only one day away I might add, we'll deal with trying to work out some kind of amnesty between our respective women."

Eric gave him a sceptical look. "Do you really think a truce is possible between Sami and Nicole?"

"I hope not," said John around another mouthful of popcorn.

EJ inclined his head. "A truce, or even some kind of détente which would make all of our lives easier."

"A détente?" Eric pulled a face. "You're such a lawyer sometimes, man."

"It's a thawing of relationships," EJ supplied.

"I know what it is, but you could have just said a deal."

"Actually, the philosophy of détente is much more sophisticated and difficult to grasp," said John casually. "One has to be broad-minded and tolerant enough to understand the possibility and the desirability of coexistence and cooperation between factions that are vastly different in their social systems, political institutions, values, sympathies and antipathies. One would have to realize that relations between them aren't a zero-sum in which one side wins exactly as much as the other side loses, and that despite all differences and difficulties they still might have overwhelming mutual interests."

Eric and EJ exchanged looks. EJ rolled his eyes. "And yet he's still waiting for the computer to spit out money when he withdrew money via internet banking."

John scowled. "That's right, I forgot about that. I'll have to go a put together a strongly worded letter to my bank about their system - seems like it's on the fritz."

"You're not wording a letter, strongly or otherwise without my supervision," said EJ firmly.

John pouted. "Party crapper."

"It's party pooper."

"Same thing."

"Who's not ignoring him now?" asked Eric smugly.

EJ pulled a face. "Granted, the man is engaging – damn it." He straightened up. "Going back to my original plan, do you agree? We'll handle Samantha and Nicole individually and work on a more long term plan in the new year."

"Something has to be done."

"I agree, but one thing at a time. I don't want to put any undue stress on Samantha right now."

"I don't want to either," said Eric in frustration, "but I also don't want Sami to use my girlfriend as an Etch a Sketch."

"I'll work on that, you just keep yours away from mine until after the party and then we can deal with it properly."

Eric nodded. "Works for me."

"Is that it?" John sounded very disappointed. "Can't one of you throw a punch for old time's sake?"

"Can it be at you?" asked EJ flatly.

"Come on, John, how about you and I go for a drive and give EJ and Sami some privacy?" Eric suggested.

John didn't move. "Shouldn't someone be here to call 911 just in case?"

"I'm not going to need 911."

"You're only saying that because you haven't seen what wifey did to the wedding pictures."

EJ pulled a face. "Really? That's a bit disappointing."

"Don't sweat it, wedding photographers keep the negatives for a good while," Eric reassured him.

John arched an eyebrow. "I was thinking more about the scissors she used. Wild cat is particularly pointy at the moment."

"Sami is probably not going to stab EJ with scissors," said Eric.

"Did you really need to put in that probably there?" asked EJ in exasperation.

"It's Sami – I wanted to hedge my bets."

EJ pursed his lips. "You said something about leaving and taking the peanut gallery with you?"

"It's popcorn."

"I'll give you the flowers if you can get my uncle out of here before he says another word."

"I take umbrage at that."

EJ gave him an unimpressed look. "I can live with that." The sound of glass breaking came from above them. "I really need to deal with this."

"Okay, we're out of here – keep the flowers, you may need some kind of shield."

"Cheers," said EJ unenthusiastically.

And the day had started so peacefully...