Authors Note:
And I don't know what I'm doing anymore so yaaaaaaay!
She fumed over her dinner, vaguely listening to whatever nonsense Hange was spouting.
She was angry that she'd been so riled up, she was angry at the words she had said and that her children had heard her being so mean. She was angry that he constantly elicited that type of behavior in her. Bernell ripped another chunk of biscut and handed it over to a tired Terra. She watched with a slow smile as her daughter rubbed at her eyes, attempting to take a bite of the food and missing, sucking on her hand for a while before whining. Bernell's eyes raised to her children who were now slouched across from her; their plates long ago empty.
"I think it's bed time, Lisa." She grinned, standing and reaching for a pocket only to freeze. "I-I forgot I don;t have any money." She frowned, then grinned, a wicked idea hatching in her mind. "Watch them." She whispered, making her way around the table to sit beside Hange.
The woman was wearing real glasses, not her specially made goggles. Her hair was up, though the shorter strands had fallen around her face. She looked softer without the large leather braces strapped to her head. Permanent indentations and tan lines marked where the leather belonged. Bernell felt a curious sort of courage leak through her.
"What a shame women can't be allowed to work." She sighed.
Hange shot up, still drunk and obviously on the low side of it. "Wha' d'ya mean 'allowed'?"
The angry glint in her eyes encouraged Bernell, Hange was waiting for something to set her off. She just needed to push the fire closer to the fuse.
"Well," She sighed, looking at her children meaningfully. "I'm not allowed to work. As a single mother I'm not sure how I am supposed to support my children without a well paying job- but..." She caught Hange's gaze and for a second her heart froze.
Can she tell? Does she see through my scheme? Bernell looked down, fiddling with her hands, hoping for all the world she looked like a lost woman with no one to turn to.
Her eyes narrowed behind her spectacles. "Is that what they meant?" Her voice had lost its slur, her face grew red. "Well fuck 'em. Get a job. Fuck 'em."
Bernell sat up straighter, shocked. "Y-you mean it? I can get a job?"
Hange shrugged, "I mean, Smith and Ackerman will have to okay it too."
Bernell stood, sighing heavily. "Of course they will." She turned a smile on the drunk woman, "Thank you, Hange."
"Hey yeah." She stood, slapping her hands down on the table, causing everyone to start. "Have I told you about the chemical differences that can be found in the spinal fluids of titans? the short ones are-"
"Thank you!" Bernell held her hands up, backing away quickly. "I'd love to hear about it sometime but right now I need to take my kids to bed. They're just about falling asleep in their chairs."
"Oh, yes. I see." Her eyes flashed cold with promise, "I'll keep you to your word about some other time then."
Bernell chuckled nervously, "Of course. I'm sure it is fascinating."
She ignored Lisa's curious gaze until they were outside. And even then she remained tight lipped, taking some pleasure in knowing her friend was bursting with questions and comments.
Finally Lisa couldn't take it anymore, "What was that between you and Levi? And what were you talking to Hange about? Do you like him Bernell?"
The words erupted from her mouth like air from a titans wounds. Jennifer stirred in her mothers arms. Lisa blushed as she ignored the looks from what was left of the people on the streets.
"I've never seen you so animated and... well... you radiated energy, Bernell." Lisa backtracked. "If I didn't know any better..." Her eyes narrowed as her feet faltered. "Do you like him?"
Bernell stopped short, her eyes wide as they found Lisa's face. "Are you serious?"
Lisa shrugged, resuming their walking. "I'm just pointing out something that was obvious to everyone-"
"How can it be obvious-"
"That heat at the end of your discussion, I can guarantee you were-"
"That's utter nonsense-"
"Okay sure." She shrugged her elegant shoulders. Lisa was silent for a moment. "But if it's nonsense why did that silly girl go rushing off after him?"
Bernell could feel her skin go cold as realization slapped her suddenly. "I-I never really thought of it that way..." She trailed back over all the moments, memories. There certainly had been a-a smouldering quality to them. Even their physical altercations had been charged, perhaps more so, though aside from when he had grabbed her to stop her from falling he'd never actually touched her.
She shook her head violently, "No. Lisa, that can't be it." She chuckled as they rounded the path to house. "We've never even touched-"
"That's probably the problem. You need to get it out of your system." Lisa grinned, opening the door and looking down the path meaningfully. "The light is still on. You should at least speak with him about tonight. About whatever it was you were talking to the woman with glasses about. Maybe apologize a little for insulting his manhood."
"He started it!"
Lisa shrugged, "Probably."
Bernell glowered at the taller woman, "He accused me of fucking animals, Lisa."
Her brown eyes widened, followed by a laugh splitting her dark pink lips. The sound of her chuckles followed Bernell up the stairs as she tucked in Terra and helped the boys into bed. She inconvenienced downstairs. To her annoyance Lisa was still chuckling.
"I mean, it's a funny insult. No wonder Cerberus was a favorite." Lisa winked and burst into laughter again at the indignation and anger on Bernell's face. "I-I'm just teasing. I'm just teasing. But this is almost exactly what I mean. Of all the things to insult one another about you both settle on a sexual nature." Lisa peered through the kitchen window, "His light is still on." She sent a meaningful look Bernell's way. "You should visit him."
Bernell felt her back snap straight despite the liquid that flooded her brain. "I don't think I can, Lisa. We've never anything civil to say to one another."
"Then let your hips do the talking." Lisa suggested as she brushed past her friend and moved towards her bedroom, "Whatever you decide, I'll leave the door unlocked. Knowing you two it could end with everything going up in flames."
With that closing statement, which did nothing to boost Bernell's confidence in the matter, Lisa closed her door. A few minutes later the light peeking from under the door snuffed out. Bernell hesitated, stood, walked to the front door. She placed a hand on the door knob, then shook her head and went to go up the stairs. She froze on the third step, then ran outside, slamming the door open and shut behind her as she raced across the path and pounded on Levi's door.
Anxiety ripped up her gut to settle in the back of her throat. She twisted her hands as the summer heat made her feel sticky and unpleasant. Her hair clung to her skin with sweat and humidity. The door creaked open and her heart thundered.
"Petra I-" Levi' paused, his grey eyes widened and he stepped back, "Oh, Bernell."
"What do you mean 'Petra, I'?" Her eyes narrowed though she entered his home.
Surprise hit her. It was clean and tidy and... welcoming.
"Well, this is a surprise." She murmured, taking the seat he offered.
"What is?"
"I..." She laughed nervously, "I figured your home would be less... I don't know. Homey."
"Did you think I'd have titan skulls on my walls?"
She laughed genuinely then, "Actually..."
"Petra was here earlier." He stood, "And on that topic I owe you an apology." He sighed heavily, standing, pacing. "I don't know what about you it is that drives me to behave so..."
"Yes." She sat back in her chair, "I understand. You bring about the same reaction in me. Look," she sighed heavily, "Levi, sit." He complied, eyes narrowing as she took in his maps and notes and gear. "We're both adults and I think instead of skirting around this issue we should confront it." Her eyes locked with his and, as always, that tension thrummed between them.
It hit him suddenly how improper it would be for her to be in his house without someone else there to make sure nothing happened. Her hair was drooping, falling out of the pins that held it in place. She didn't seem to notice the ridiculously long tendrils that had fallen out, curling about her shoulders and waist like princess' in fairy tales. He sat back sharply. He was not one to wax poetic about anything. Her skin hid nothing in the pale lamplight. The divots and raises in her flesh from scars, the wrinkles around her eyes - just barely there. Her collar bones accentuated the shoulders and curve of her neck and very suddenly he wanted to... He met her eyes again, and again the flush he recognized stained her cheeks.
"I think it would be silly for us to say there isn't some kind of attraction between us." She grit her teeth, looking away quickly. "Lisa pointed it out earlier. Perhaps that is why we... well, argue so much." She let out a breath she had been holding and smiled. "There now, that wasn't so hard and it's off my chest."
"I always assumed you hated me." He leaned forward, something between them felt barely restrained. Now that she had admitted her attraction the air was charged, pregnant with promise of... He frowned, realizing his hand had moved towards her of its own accord. He snatched it back.
"Likewise." She sniffed, "I admit we've had few civil moments between us. I guess... I guess I blamed you for everything and-"
"We've had this conversation before." He interrupted her.
"O-oh. Yes, we did." Her eyes dropped, rising back with liquid velvet in their depths. "You pinned me to a tree."
His heart hammered. He knew that look, he was no virginal boy. And damned if his body wasn't responding in kind. He took a deep breath, stood and moved in front of the window. The wind didn't help much, but it helped.
"I don't do relationships." He growled, clenching his teeth, his hands, even his eyelids it felt. Everything in him was wound too tightly to think straight.
Silence met his statement, the soft rustle of cloth - her dress - as she stood. He heard her shoes move further away from him. Curious he turned to look, startled to find her beside the door.
"I was genuinely hoping..." Her voice was quiet, so very quiet. She shrugged, facing him with a sad excuse of a smile, "Well I was hoping we could be adults about this. But... obviously that won't happen. I won't just sleep with you because I have children, nor would I expect a wedding ring the next day but... It's been a very long time."
He bit back a groan at the admission, his vision going a little fuzzy. It had been a long time for him as well.
"And seeing as how we have this..." her hands motioned between them, "I was..." She shook her head, her hair dancing on her shoulders. Self consciously she held them up, pinning them sloppily as though she had just realized they had fallen. "Well, I supposed it doesn't matter. You don't do relationships." She sneered.
He rocked back on his heels. Somehow Bernell's words had hurt him. Levi felt his lip curl. something about the pent up desire feeding his anger, his unhappiness.
"Well, not with you anyway."
She straightened though he didn't miss the glint of tears in her eyes. Immediately his heart sank. Of course they couldn't go back to mercilessly tormenting one another. She had just confessed something to him. Something very important and he- he mocked her. Before he could explain or apologize for his mistake she opened the door.
"Good night Levi." She took a deep breath and turned to face him, eyes clear, head held high. "I will be applying for a job tomorrow. That's what I truly came here to say. If you wish to keep tabs on me."
With that she left, the door slammed hollow after her. Numb Levi sank to a chair, staring at where she had been.
Just minutes ago his home had felt small and cozy and full of hot promise... now... Now his home felt empty, cold and barren. How had one woman's personality, presence filled an entire house like hers did? How could he have been so stupid as to place a barb where gentle words should have been? Why would he have shot her down with such efficiency?
'I don't do relationships'! He snorted, hanging his head in his hands, now I get to decide which hand keeps me company tonight.
Bernell dressed int he same blue outfit and made her way to her old Madam's shop after dropping her children off with the nanny.
"Madam?!" She asked loudly, threading her way through the dress displays and reams of fabric.
"Back here, love." The older woman called out, "Be there in a moment."
As Bernell waited, she seethed. Oh she had been hurt. So very hurt. It had been a long time since she had bared her affections or intentions to anyone. Not since Tom when she'd been but a girl. And after Mark she had thought... She shook her head as she fingered a satin bolt. Maybe that's why she had been so angry with Levi. She had buried those emotions, those wants, so far deep down. She had been so scared...
And for good reason, it seemed. He cruel words echoed in her head that night, though they didn't make her cry. Not again, not after that initial moment of shock. Now she was just angry. Fuming. Lisa had expected a steamy story that morning. She had all but skipped out of her bedroom with a cheesy grin plastered on her face. When Bernell told her what had happened Lisa's smile had long since wilted.
"Bastard." She hissed, "If I were a man-"
"But you aren't." Bernell sighed.
"But I'm not." She echoed Bernell's sigh, then perked up. "I do know a man, he's not related to my man of course. But he's been looking for someone and maybe... well, it might be good for you to have a flirtation. Just something fun and light hearted. I feel like getting involved with the Captain would only be a serious business anyway." She waved her hand. "At least now we know all that chemistry was merely something on a base level. Nothing serious."
"If it wasn't serious then why do I feel so defeated?" Bernell asked, slouching over the table, tangling her hands in her hair.
"Oh honey." Lisa pat her arm soothingly. "It's the first time in years you bared that part of yourself. Of course the rejection was going to hurt."
Madam pulled Bernell into a hug unexpectedly, snapping her out of her thoughts.
"Madam!" Bernell returned the affection grasp. "Are you still hiring?"
"For you? Always." She grinned.