Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty-Six

I had fun with this chapter. An inedible non-tangiable internet cookie thing to anyone who can understand Viola and Shinri's exchange, for a start.

Next chapter may be delayed due to RL commitments.

Bad dreams mean I can't relish sleeping. Good dreams mean I can't relish waking. Speaking in a practical way, I wouldn't mind if I always slept hard and without dreams, and woke without being troubled by fading, hazy images that remain.

Always of her, now.

What had she looked like, in that dream? I can see her, certainly, but not her face or her voice. Was she smiling? Was she crying? Or laughing amusedly at me, or frowning in a contained way, or blushing delicately with expressive red eyes. Perhaps her face was torn and guilty, her expression haunted with herself. Most likely, she'd be wearing that quiet, neutral expression. Her eyes told of pain and dignity, but not without some happiness, some recompense. That would not surprise me. What I don't doubt is the fact I was the one she was looking at, directly or out of the corner of her eye or in her thoughts even as she evades my gaze. I have come into her world, and now my dreams must take that shape. I see her, and wish for her to see me, and her presence haunts me as her past haunts herself. It's a rather strange situation, really.

Mornings really piss me off, as they make me think of difficult things. And I can't have any optimism, either, like this. Struggle all I like, is there a meaning in that?

Yeah. Not a morning person.

"Good morning, Kuga-sama."

I groaned slightly, rolling over. "Morning…" I wasn't even shocked by the intrusion. How fast we change.

"If you feel well, Kuga-sama, you should rise as soon as possible. Breakfast is in forty-five minutes, and it will take a little while for you to get ready."

I forced myself up to a sitting position, sighing and pulling my cheeks to clear my mind. "Don't call me Kuga-sama," I instructed. "Kuga-san is fine."

The maid nodded. "As you wish. I have selected clothes that you brought with you for you to wear, and taken the others to be washed. I hope that is acceptable."

"That's fine," I said vaguely. Personally, I'd thought that wearing those clothes for one more day would be fine, but it's not a big deal. "How is Shizuru?"

"Shizuru-sama is still asleep. Viola-sama told us to let her rest."

"That's sensible," I replied. Not even Shizuru can do something stupid while asleep, as far as I know. "Alright, I'm getting up, I'm getting up. Give me a minute."

"Do you want to take a bath before breakfast, Kuga-san?"

"I'll go without," I muttered, looking around the room. When a place I've slept in for more than a day is as tidy and orderly as Mai's room, then you know someone's being paid somewhere down the line. It took me a moment to find where she'd neatly folded the clothes I was supposed to wear, a moment I spent fighting a nagging sense of displacement. Disorder can be orderly, as well. And quite apart from anything else, she would do well not to open the box where I keep my gun.

I dressed quickly, combed down my long hair in a perfunctory way and cleaned myself up. I did all that myself, as well. I'm not someone like Shizuru who can easily accept people doing things for me just because. Or, in other words, I'm normal. She sure has an easy life.

I glared at my reflection, scrutinising it carefully. It's not vanity if you're killing time. As I'd feared, there were subtle shadows under my eyes. Nothing like Shizuru, damnit. I try my best not to be a hypocrite. But I couldn't get to sleep last night, that's all. That's allowed. And I can see the future, which has someone calling me on that. Probably Saaya, but Shizuru is also a possibility. Or even worse, they might just notice and say nothing. I suppose it wouldn't be a big deal, but it's something to think about. I'm learning to think about the small things. Shizuru likes saying big things in small ways, and looks for the same meaning in others, after all. If she was speaking in French, I would have to learn that as well. But non-verbal communication has always caused me problems. I have to work hard, and take on the mindset of people who see facial sincerity as a vague weakness to be watched hawkishly. I remain normal, but her life can also be hard, something spun from her peculiar eccentricities. If she makes her own life hard, is it appropriate to sympathise, or just to roll my eyes?

I stared into my own eyes, and tried to see inside myself. I could do with a few simple answers, but looking in a mirror doesn't clarify anything. I checked my watch, sighed slightly, and left. No more time to worry, or stand and look at myself and think. I might as well be polite, anyway. Food is food, and some genial nonsense from Viola and Saaya wouldn't go amiss right now. Side-stepping a problem works pretty well in the short-term, if my usual headlong charge doesn't get the right results. What I can see with greater clarity now is everything my past has taught me, though. One important thing is to let that remain a short-term solution, not a permanent one. It's only as permanent a solution as running into a maze with no exit is to evade pursuit. For those who haven't tried, it doesn't work for long.

I left my room and made to walk down the corridor, then stopped and frowned. If I focused as I walked closer, I could hear her soft breathing through the door. That was how thin the damn walls were. My hand touched the door then stopped momentarily. A few seconds later, I opened the door just a crack, leaning forwards and looking through. Of course, she was asleep, her body tangled comfortably in the covers, her flushed face staring at the wall with closed eyes. It was an endearingly human sight, quite apart from the great Kaichou-sama.

I closed the door hurriedly and turned away, sticking my hands in my pockets and heading down the corridor. No need to repeat those thoughts about her sleeping face again.

I walked down the corridor, brooding about not brooding. Or something equally fruitless.

"Good morning," I said idly, sliding the door open and stepping into the dining room again.

"Ara. Good morning, Kuga-san. You're just in time," Viola remarked pleasantly. Saaya just smiled and nodded at me, saying nothing.

Shinri looked at me for a moment, frowning slightly. "Good morning," he said shortly, before returning his attention to his wife.

I blinked, walking over to my place and sitting down without saying anything more.

"That will do for now. All else can keep for later," Shinri said to Viola.

"As you wish, dear," Viola replied evenly.

"Am I interrupting anything?" I asked politely. Somehow, it felt like Shizuru would ask that out of courtesy. And more than that, Shizuru would also ask to try and learn something, too.

"Not at all," Viola replied, smiling at me. "Just our usual boring business talk. More to the point, do you know how Shizuru is?"

"She's still asleep, I think." I shrugged. "She didn't look too bad, but it's hard to tell when she's asleep."

"As long as she's getting some rest. Isn't that good, Shinri?"

He nodded briefly. "Yes."

"He was worrying about that," Viola confided in me. "I don't blame him, as bad habits are all too easy to keep, and hard to drop."

"I guess so." I caught the look he gave her, and put the words together, and started to feel a little like a Fujino. "Do you have work today, Fujino-san?" I asked, looking at Shinri and using my best polite voice.

"No. I have various things to take care of here, instead." He kept his tone a little cold, probably remembering our earlier argument. Not that I cared or anything.

"I see." A vague answer for a vague answer.

"I take it we won't disturb Shizuru prior to breakfast?" Viola asked.

"Naturally," Shinri replied. "There's a limit to formality. But if that's the case, as you're implying, we might as well eat now."

"That sounds good to me," Viola replied, smiling. "Though it's really too bad about her illness. It's been a long time since we last ate our meals as a family, and now we can't do that even now."

"It can't be helped," Shinri said neutrally. "She should recover soon enough, and then we can do that. Everything in good time."

"In spite of such a proverbial reminder, I still feel like a child who has just heard that Christmas has been deferred," Viola said, her tone almost childish in its enthusiasm. "That's rather disappointing. Well, at least I can pretend that Kuga-san's my daughter, too."

I flushed. "That's rather an abrupt promotion."

"It's not an illogical sentiment, when one considers your bond with Shizuru," Saaya said dryly. "Isn't it a strong one?"

"I wonder about that," I said evasively, a little unnerved by the sudden attention. Listening was a lot easier. And those damn knowing eyes of hers, with such an aura. As if she knows everything about you.

"Almost sisterly." Saaya chuckled slightly at my expression. "And now she looks like I've said an unpleasantly personal thing. I'm sorry, Natsuki-chan."

"If say something like that, anyone will be unnerved," Viola chided, without sounding like she really minded at all. "You should be a little more polite."

Shinri turned away, watching the servants bringing in breakfast for a moment before he turned back, satisfied. "You had your part in it, as well, but I don't see any harm in it. I have a modest interest in that myself, and Kuga-san's reasons for coming here."

And he's always pleasant like that, as reliably as Saaya's strange sense of humour. I picked up my chopsticks, frowning. "I was worried about her. Under the circumstances, that doesn't seem unreasonable to me. And I can do some things that parents can't, after all."

"I can see that. From what I recall, Shizuru does hold you in some regard." He gave me a thoughtful glance. "That may well be the case, in which case I will be indebted to you."

He didn't sound like he thought that was the case, but I decided to take what I could get. "Not at all," I replied politely. "This isn't something I'm doing for you as such, after all. It is what I want to do myself."

Shinri glanced at me for a long moment, then exhaled and returned his gaze to his feed. "That was fairly well-said." He picked up his chopsticks and began to eat.

"And that's a compliment. That's why I was thinking so wistfully of this missed chance, though," Viola remarked. "Aren't things more interesting like this?"

"I'm not intending to provide entertainment," Shinri noted.

"When you use that serious tone of yours, I can't help but feel that. It's just a little too pompous. Of course, Natsuki's earnest tone is fine as well, and altogether it's quite dramatic." Viola looked between us, resting her head on one hand. "Do you think hedgehogs play with chestnuts? I think that would be quite a sight."

I just looked blank, but Shinri actually chuckled quietly. Presumably I was missing something. "I wonder. I'm sure they'd have to consider it an important matter to persist, after all. Should I turn to other things?"

"Turn a phrase and entertain me a little," Viola suggested. "Or else, indeed, to something else. Isn't it a little early in the morning for discussion in depth?"

"You have a point as well, so don't exclude yourself from us in that respect," Shinri said, smiling again. "With that sharpness I'll defer without regretting anything. Did you have anything in mind?"

"And I'll defer to that turn." Viola sipped a glass of orange juice, looking thoughtfully at me. "Your subject wasn't bad, though. With Shizuru as herself, and my discourtesy, but I don't actually know a huge amount about you, Kuga-san. Would you mind talking about yourself?"

"If you like," I replied blankly. I was still trying to get over the fact that he could smile, but I don't know him very well. He's just a person who makes a habit of frowning. I suppose I used to be like that, and people used to think cynical things of me as well. "I don't think I'm very interesting, though." And that was a lie, but I would do my best to avoid mentioning the most important things.

"Are you going to university next year?" Viola asked.

"No. I have one more year of school." I smiled awkwardly. "Though I am Shizuru's age, so it wasn't a bad guess. An illness put me out for a year when I was a lot younger."

"That's very unfortunate for you. Nothing permanent, I hope?"

"I'm fine now. It was a one-off, and I spent most of that time sleeping, of course. It wasn't that bad." I rubbed my chin, picking up a piece of egg. "Something like that happened this year as well, so if I don't do well on my exam retakes at the end of the holiday I'll be held back another year. I'm a little unlucky."

"Very much so. That's very tough for you, Kuga-san. Do you think you'll be able to do it?" She sounded rather curious. But I guess Shizuru didn't tell her even this much about me. That's a little annoying, in a peculiar way.

"Well, I'm working hard, and Shizuru's been helping me a lot. I suppose you could say I have a vested interest in that respect, if nothing else."

Viola laughed. "I see. I'm glad, as well, that Shizuru's being helpful for you. It will give her something to do."

"She's a kind girl," Shinri said briefly. He'd been watching quite closely all this time, which was a little bothering. I guess one smile more or less doesn't stop him from being a sour old bastard.

"Of course. She's always been seen in that light, by many people, especially after her time as Kaichou." I frowned. "For my part, I owe an awful lot to her in many ways. That's why I'm trying my best to be helpful to her, as well."

"I'm sure she's very grateful." Viola smiled slightly. "I've often found that when people have aloof tendencies, they just appreciate those people who treat them normally all the more. Don't you think?"

"Perhaps," I admitted. I don't think that was her intention, but I'm reminded again, predictably enough. For my part, that was true. And it was Shizuru who came to me. "I wouldn't call her aloof, though. That's a little unfair. She just does things in her way, and thinks for herself."

"That is what I'd expect from her," Shinri replied.

I ate a mouthful of rice, watching him thoughtfully. I still can't work that man out.

Viola smiled, looking at me in her certain way. "In any case, Kuga-san, I'm grateful. As I said before, please look after my daughter."

"But is she the younger or the older sister?" Saaya asked playfully.

"Ara, Ara. Is it you who called me out here?"

In a voice that was younger and freer, even though my own feelings had begun to burden me. Nonetheless an easier time.

"That's right, Shizuru-Hime." He looked up at me without any sign of intimidation, something that vaguely surprised me.

His voice that bore a twisted darkness lightly, a voice I'd use in my turn. His hand on the blade that I would use in my turn.

I simply watched him, as by now I could feel the uncongenial nature of the situation.

Fear and expectation, heavy in air made pregnant by the mysteries I'd already accepted.

"Do you need power, Shizuru-Hime?"

And at that moment, the ground I stood upon crumbled beneath me.

That is the past. Would you call it the beginning? Or was the beginning the moment I met Natsuki? I don't know. Life has only one beginning, and one end, and between that time I can only talk of twists and turns. But sometimes I feel that my life had a plot, something beginning even in my childhood and moving inexorably towards a tragic conclusion. Fate, I suppose. Was I fated to become a demon? That is a naïve way to absolve me of my responsibility. So many choices, when I took up that blade, before that day and after it. Nonetheless I walked down this road, which must be considered one of the worst possibilities in the light of everything I had been given. Though there are worse endings, and I'm too small and too faithless now to determine different possibilities, different chances. And my ending was rewritten, a new beginning pencilled in. Sometimes it is easy and sometimes it is hard to be grateful for that. While I am alive, increasingly, I must live, and worry about that alone. What I need now is the power to move forwards without regrets, as she needs me to do, and be everything she needs me to be. Even if we will part, that is my last way to protect her. I will be more successful in that than before.

Never knowing if I'm asleep or awake, dreaming or remembering, thinking or feeling, hurting my body or my soul. My days and nights are intertwining, forcing me onwards and back. Without certainties, but with comfort. The hardest thing to do that is the only thing I could ever do. In such ways, the streams of my life flow into the sea soundlessly. And everything from these moments are for her. Increasingly, with this closeness that feels like any other we've experienced, I step deeper into that state. I can say with all of my heart that my truth hasn't changed. And my resolve to protect her, that which made me raise that blade before, is still the same. With those things remaining, I am afraid. So before, so again, so it is said. I don't want that to be so. It's really scary.

It's fear that destroys me, so this time, I'll be stronger.

I know she's close by. But right now, a little more sleep is fine. Apparently, my attempts to push sleep away did not change her affection for me, and now we are forcibly reunited she is loath to let me go for any length of time. Now that is an amusing and familiar story.

Regular breathing. The rustle of paper. Such a gentle ambience is enough for now. After a few minutes, a chair scrapes back and her footsteps echo across the room. Looking upwards with hazy, half-closed eyes, her legs figure prominently, wearing jeans again. I closed my eyes firmly.

"Are you awake, Shizuru?" she asked, half-quietly and half-suspiciously.

Being woken up by a beautiful girl, a postcard for male fantasy. It's just too bad that I'm also a girl, after all. "A little," I replied quietly. "I might sleep a little more, though."

"Well, if you say so. I was just surprised that you'd wait this long."

I blinked a little at that, trying to focus on something other than my rapacious thoughts. "What time is it?"

"Don't worry about it," Natsuki said airily. "Just rest up some more, it's fine."

She turned her back hurriedly, but I reached out with my right hand and seized on her ankle before she could escape. "What time is it?" I repeated.

"Uh, quarter to eleven," Natsuki replied, smiling uneasily down on me.

"Just how long did you people let me sleep?" I demanded, bracing my other hand and pushing myself upright in one motion. My hair fell about me, falling untidily over my eyes.

"Ow. That hurt, you know," Natsuki complained. "I almost fell over."

"I'm sorry," I replied automatically, pausing and taking a breath. A second later, I stood, staggering slightly as the blood rushed from my head. I breathed in rapidly, trying to dispel the nausea twisting in my gut.

Natsuki grabbed me around the arm, holding me tightly. "Don't do unnecessary things," she said shortly. "It's a holiday, after all. I've slept in much later on days like this. At least until I had so much work to deal with, anyway."

"Sorry," I said, without sounding very sincere, even to myself. "But this is a little too late, for me. Even if it's only reading… I should do anything but be asleep at this time of the day. Anything else is unreasonable."

"Says who? Just you?" Natsuki sighed, pouting at me. "You're still being stubborn and difficult, but I'm used to that by now. In any case, are you really surprised at this? You owe your body, so sleep quietly."

"Your concern is appreciated, but even so," I replied. "This is… important…"

Natsuki stared at me for a long moment, then turned away. "I'll fetch Hideko. She's helping out Saaya and Viola… your mother, I mean. Training or something, but I'm sure she'll be able to come quickly enough."

"No, it's fine. You shouldn't bother her." I smiled weakly, my head clearing. "I don't want you to receive the impression that I can't dress myself, after all. I'm not quite that hopeless."

"Okay. I'll wait outside. Call me when you're done."

I nodded loosely, watching her go, then cast around for my kimono. It had been returned neatly to my wardrobe, of course. So Hideko has been in here this morning after all. I shall have to have a word with her later. Even if I am ill, there are some standards. A lady does not sleep half the day away while her guests wait patiently, illness or no illness. And hopefully, I don't talk in my sleep. It would be too ridiculous and unfortunate for Natsuki to hear some of the things I could say.

That, and this door between us right now, are parts of the same thing. The degree of separation that will always remain between us. At best, intimate friends, but never intimate.

My hands moved quickly through the necessary motions. I'd lost none of my deftness, if the matter in hand was putting on a kimono. That was and remains one of the many things expected of me. I called her back after I pulled my obi tight.

"Not bad," Natsuki remarked. "Pity about the hair."

"Very devilish," I replied, smiling a little more easily now my strength was returning. My limbs felt just a little lighter, as well. "Don't make me force you into a kimono as well. Believe me when I say that I have spares to hand, including something nice in blue."

"Do I look like a doll to you?" Natsuki demanded, pouting and folding her arms. "You can't just dress me up as you please."

"I can't undress you as I please, either," I shot back. "It's a little disappointing."

Natsuki flushed like sunrise. "Shizuru!" she protested.

I laughed gently. "Sorry, sorry."

"The person who's only just woken up isn't allowed to say things like that," Natsuki replied, walking across the room and sitting at my desk again.

"I'm only surprised that you were there to see that," I replied. "This room is a strange place to study in. Did Natsuki miss my face that much?"

"No. Your snores were a good accompaniment to this stuff," Natsuki replied stubbornly. "And moderately more interesting, as well."

"There's no need to make excuses for yourself," I said slyly, heading for the en-suite. "But if you want to be delicate, I can let that be."

"Not everyone has picked up your habits, you know."

I blinked with a heavy memory, my face falling slightly. But she couldn't see that when my back was turned. "I suppose so," I replied quietly, stepping through and closing the door.

After that, I leaned back and closed my eyes for a few seconds. I felt unpleasant, to talk in that way. But that wasn't the surprise thing. Why was I suddenly so at ease in teasing her in the same way as before, again? I know I would have suppressed that instinct even a few days ago. She really is putting me at my ease, after all.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror and wondered at that, as I combed my hair into something approaching the good order and strict discipline expected of Fujino hair. It wasn't like I could just forget something like that, though it had the same feeling. I'm not an idiot. But it was less immediate, than it had been before. It wasn't a bile that rose in my throat whenever I said anything that could be misconstrued, deliberately or otherwise. I felt vaguely that I should think less of myself for that, and in rather more concrete terms that I was being stupid to even consider that. What Natsuki wanted was altogether different, so if I was wasting less energy on my regrets, that could only be a good thing. I'd taken on so many sins for her that bemoaning for a foreshortened repentance on her behalf was a little ludicrous to begin with.

Even so, what I should not say, I should not say. We aren't the same, and she will still remember.

I composed my face before I returned. "Sorry for earlier," I began.

"What? You took me seriously?" Natsuki asked, sounding almost bored. "I'm usually the one who makes a fool of myself."

I blinked slightly. "Sorry?"

"Get over here and help me with this Chemistry stuff, already," Natsuki ordered. She looked up, half-smiling. "Even I'm willing to admit that I need all the help that I can get."

I hesitated for a moment, then smiled back. "Sure. Let's see what mistakes you've made already…"

I pulled up a second chair and sat down, folding my hands neatly on my lap and looking over her shoulder. "What are you looking at?"

"Plastics. It's a pain. I can't remember all the bizarre compound names. You have a trick, right?"

"A trick? That's a little much to ask, you know." I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "Write them out several times is the best thing I can say to you."

"Well, that sucks," Natsuki groused. "I hate boring stuff like that. Are you sure you aren't hiding a secret method?"

"I'm afraid not. Even I had to do that."

Natsuki smirked, glancing sidelong at me. "I like that tone of yours."

"Is that so?" I asked lightly. "I'll do my best to keep it up, then."

"It certainly feels like you'd do that with or without my permission," Natsuki said lightly. "But, hang on. You haven't had breakfast, right?"

I shrugged. "We aren't that far away from lunch, are we? I can wait."

"Ara," Natsuki imitated, glancing at me and smirking. "I'm pretty sure you were lecturing me this time last week on the importance of breakfast. Of course, you woke me up a lot earlier."

"I'm not hungry, though," I said. I wasn't quite sure why I was even arguing, actually. Perhaps just to be contrary.

"Honestly, what kind of double-standard are you trying to force on me, anyway?" Natsuki asked, leaning back in her chair and raising her eyebrows. "I'll look after Natsuki…forget myself, of course. Shouldn't you worry about your own body?"

I smiled, rubbing my cheek. "Well, whether it's my kindness or my lack of trust in you, but I suppose you worry me more than I worry myself."

"But I'm not allowed to worry about you more than I worry about myself, and that's just unfair," Natsuki chided. "Quite apart from the fact that it almost makes sense in my case, that's totally uneven. You shouldn't just let me lean on you any more."

"Have you ever done that?" I asked politely.

"Yes, I have," Natsuki replied. "You probably would have said something if you weren't enjoying it so damn much. So be considerate and let me consider you."

I laughed. "This argument would be a little convincing if Natsuki wasn't talking in close proximity with someone as sick as me. And I have tried to warn you, as well."

"Hey, don't misunderstand," Natsuki said flippantly. "I need you to help me with my revision. If you collapse from lack of food, that's a problem."

"I'll bask in the warmth of your consideration," I replied, leaning forwards slightly and prodding her on the forehead. "Does this count as being taken for granted, I wonder?"

"Yep. I'm pretty much taking you for granted," Natsuki agreed.

I sighed in mock-sorrow. "Natsuki is a blunt and cruel person."

"Is that so bad?" Natsuki asked lightly, looking at me. "If I'm taking you for granted, it means I trust you to stay here and want you to stay here."

"Hmm. Making something like that sound nice, Natsuki has come a long way," I observed playfully.

"Of course. I've been following you all this time, after all." Natsuki watched me for a moment, then turned away. "I'll go get your breakfast. You can wait here."

I tried standing, then decided against it when my limbs renewed their petition against my head. "Much appreciated. I'd come, but… I'm not best disposed."

Natsuki stopped by the door, looking back at me. "Fine. When you're better, though, I'll expect you to follow me at times like this."

"Does following you with my eyes count?" I mused, resting my chin on my hand.

"Nope. You do that all the time anyway, so that's just flattery." Natsuki folded her arms. "Presumably you like what you see."

To my immense irritation, I actually blushed, something that forced me to look away. "It looks like that's not such a good idea. It's done bad things to your ego."

"That's deliberate, so I can stand on the same ground as you." Natsuki turned away, grinning. "I'll be back in a minute."

I closed my eyes slightly. When I lose to Natsuki, you know that I'm ill. Perhaps it's worse than I had originally thought, after all. But she said some interesting things as well. Of course, wit is just that, without meaning.

Even that makes me happy. To be able to do this again, as we did before. No, better. It's nice if even in one small thing I can have a few moments undaunted by a cleaner, finer past.