Hello all! Sorry this is another short one; just two little glimpses into Harry's life. I'm finishing up my ED treatment and will hopefully be back to writing more after that all ends. I'm feeling better and hopefully my Harry will be able to mimic life as well. I was hoping for suggestions on the next chapter; mid-December for Harry. I have plans for Christmas and New Year, but was hoping for feedback for his day to day, getting back with his friends, and school/therapy times. Thank you guys so much for your continued support of this story. It really means a lot to me.
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Friday. 5:04. Harry sat across from Asta again, this time smoking a cigarette rather petulantly. Regardless, he felt a bit better and a bit more in his body.
"So, Harry, how did lunches go?" Asta asked, her warm, slight smile making it's way onto her face. Harry shuffled his feet a bit.
"Okay, I guess. I had half a sandwich on Wednesday, a cup of soup on Thursday, but only some carrots today." Harry decided to omit that he had smoked a joint with the carrots, and just ignore that he had cut on both Wednesday and Thursday right after eating.
"That's amazing progress, Harry," Asta beamed, her voice lighter. Harry blushed and ducked his head, knowing it wasn't, knowing he was still just a huge fuck up.
"Now today, I want us to begin practicing how to find a safe space in your mind. Some of the work we are going to do is going to be hard, and you need to be able to feel safe in yourself first before we can begin. There will be many other skills I can teach you, but where is somewhere you can picture being that makes you feel safe?"
Harry tightened. He has rarely felt safe in his own mind or body. Instead, they felt like his own personal battlegrounds that waged war day in and day out. How the fuck was he just supposed to make up a pretend safe space in himself when he was the one causing all the problems anyway?
So he just shrugged in response.
Asta looked up him, her brown eyes warming even more and making Harry feel a bit guilty for not trying. Shit. Not anywhere in Privet Drive. Hogwarts then. Umm, not Gryffindor anymore. Not a classroom. Fuck. The image of Snape's living room swam in his head, warm and calm and always open to him to lay down and take a break from the world.
He looked up again and nodded.
"Good, for your homework, whenever you're feeling anxious or stressed out, I want you to picture being in your safe space, really there. Can you do that?"
"Er, I think so," Harry shrugged, looking down at his clasped hands, his cheeks beginning to flush.
"That's wonderful, Harry. Now, I want to hear more about your day to day, especially your friends and your weekends."
Harry groaned internally, knowing the rest of the hour was going to have to be him speaking.
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First Sunday of December. 7:18. "Oi, Draco, what'd you get for number twelve for the Transfiguration problems? It's the one about time manipulation and transformation limitations," Harry asked, his head bent over parchment in Snape's quarters.
"No cheating," Snape drawled from his desk, not even bothering to look up.
"Awh come on, D…Professor," Harry stuttered, panicked and turned bright red. No no no. You know it's wrong. You know you're not wanted like that. Merlin, now he's bound to think you're a total nutcase.
"You may ask for help, not for the answer," Snape said, apparently unfazed by the strange slip that had occurred between Harry's brain and mouth.
"Yeah, Potter, I can't be giving up my ranking as best in class," Draco laughed. Harry glared at him. Draco merely raised an eyebrow and tilted his head, seemingly confused but willing to play it cool for Harry's sake.
"Whatever, Malfoy, you're second in Transfiguration," Harry mumbled.
"Still better than your, what? Eighth? Ninth?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm pants at school, we all know," Harry rolled his eyes.
"You possess the ability to be in the top ranks if you would apply yourself a little more, Mister Potter," Snape said, a slight protective edge coming into his voice.
"Been a bit busy, sir, defeating Voldy and all," Harry retorted, his own tone a little bitter and angry, those emotions, plus embarrassment from the moment before, rising in his chest.
Draco's eyes widened slightly and he lowered his head back to his Astronomy work.
"Ah, but now you are free to study as much as you'd like. And I would be careful with your sass, Child."
Draco's head shot back up, eyes wide again, this time in amazement. Usually Snape would slaughter someone, especially Harry, for giving an excuse for poor academic performance, but Harry knew that Snape wouldn't lash out. He knew he could test his boundaries here, just a little. He also knew Snape would understand, at least to a point, that he didn't mean what he said in a celebratory way.
"Yes, sir," Harry merely replied, a slight smile at his lips, getting back to his Transfiguration problems. "But, uh, Malfoy, I need some help."
Draco scooted closer to Harry, rolling his eyes dramatically. "Alright, Potter, time has to be…"
As much as Harry tried listening, he kept zoning out, focusing instead on the proximity of Draco's body to his own. Their legs were touching and their torsos were centimeters apart.
Harry's feelings had been getting stronger, and therefor worse. Don't think about him like that. He's your best mate. He wouldn't want you. Or if he did he would find out just how fucked up you are and then drop you. And that would be the worst possible scenario.
"Er, yeah, time versus the nature of transformation equals a variant of the unknown at times of high levels of transformative power," Harry muttered, scribbling it all down.
"Yes, yes, but also you have to take into account the energy of your surroundings, Potter. High energy situations take less time but are more unpredictable while low energy are more stable and take longer. Does that make sense?"
Harry nodded, his quill moving furiously as he tried not to think of how good Draco smells and how he spent his morning in the other boy's arms after a new nightmare.
They spent the rest of the evening in peace, that is until Draco had finished charting what he believed to be an important collection of stars, useful for the collection of Goosegrasss and young Bursting Mushrooms.
"So, Uncle Sev, what are your plans for the holidays?"
Shit, Christmas is only a month away at this point. What am I going to get Draco? What am I going to get Snape?
"I shall stay here through Christmas, acting as Head of House for my Slytherins that decide to remain here. However, the Headmaster has given me a few days off to celebrate the rise of a new year with my partner off Hogwarts' grounds."
Harry felt a sudden jolt of jealousy rise in him. Not for Snape's partner; well, kinda. He wanted to be included. And he was ashamed of this. Here he was, sitting with two of the most important people in the world to him, no matter how odd that may be, and he was unable to express any of it.
He couldn't tell Draco he was falling in love with him and wanted more than anything to kiss him and let his head rest against his shoulder whenever he wanted.
He couldn't tell Snape he wanted something more official, more permanent; where he wouldn't be scared of being thrown away at any moment or replaced by someone better.
"What are you doing, Mr. Malfoy?"
Draco leaned back, posturing haughtily, "Well I am staying in the castle this year, as evidenced by the piece of parchment in the Slytherin Common Room." At this point Snape rolled his eyes and leaned back as well. "Then my mother, with the permission of Dumbledore, will be staying the night on Christmas Eve and we will celebrate the day together, most likely beside you and Potter here. Afterwards, we shall depart to the French countryside for the New Year and spend it with a long lost cousin who married a Muggle."
"Very nice, Dragon, I'm glad to see your mother is making ties with old family members. And you, Harry?"
Harry looked up, startled. "I'm gonna stay here, like I do every year," he said, anger lacing his voice. "Don't have anywhere else to be, do I?"
Snape's eyebrows went up slightly, but that was the only sign that he was affected by what was said. "I was merely curious if you were throwing a party or had plans while you were in the castle, Child."
Harry stood, stuffing his homework in his bag. "Well I don't. I'll see you later, sir."
And with that, Harry left, dipped outside for a cigarette in the bone-chilling air, and returned to his room and wondered what Draco and Snape said about him after he left.