A/N: Sorry for the delay! My brain just clean froze up on me (it may be partially to blame on the arrival of my new boots from sheplers.....they are rather lovely.....) I kinda feel like the story either needs to come to a conclusion or it needs to start anew with a "new" story. let me know your thoughts. I made my own version of Jasper's past up, using what we know (from the books), and what I figure I would done with him. If you don't like it, don't read it. xx
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I lay across Jasper's lap, soaking up the warmth of the sun together. His foot was propped on the porch rail, the other resting effortlessly atop. He'd not lot finished smoking a cigarette, the heady smoke of the "own" rolled pleasure still lingering around us. A hand played loosely in my tumbled curls, my own arms extended above my head, resting on his chest. Jasper's hat was tipped low, to shield his eyes, but I could still see them to look into, curious, "Jasper? You know....last night...when I said I was glad you were never afraid to share yourself with me? I meant it. I love that there are never any secrets." He smiled at me, touching my cheek softly, "Yes Darlin'....I'm glad we have no secrets also."
JPOV
Sitting in the sun, with My Bella draped across me languidly, was possibly one of the highlights of my life. In all my years, I'd never felt anything as comfortable, as warm, as inviting and delicious as Bella's presence. I should have known she was up to something when she opened her mouth to speak, the night before reference should have tipped me off, "Jasper? You know....last night...when I said I was glad you were never afraid to share yourself with me? I meant it. I love that there are never any secrets." I smiled at My Bella, brushing her cheek with my hand, "Yes Darlin'....I'm glad we have no secrets also." I should have been prepared, but the next question was out of the blue, even though realization dawned as she completed her question. How the hell was I going to get out of this?
BPOV
"Well...Jas....during the war....what were you like? I mean....I know in your human army you were the youngest major, right? Or one of.....but in the southern wars....the vampires. How come Peter called you The God of War?" Fear shot through him, and reluctance, and he sighed. "Bella...darlin'....it's not something I like to reminisce about." I looked at him, sad, "Jasper.....I know, war is horrible, all of you have given me enough information to frighten me away from it forever, but.....you know everything about me, Everything Jasper. Right down to how I wrote 'Fuck' on Renee's car once, I was so mad about what she did to Charlie. You know how I got the scar on my nose, and the one on my leg from climbing out my window. I know...."
I took a breath, my eyes welling with tears I wasn't ready to shed, "I know so little about you. I know how you got your scars, but I know nothing about the man who got them. Nothing about the days when you ruled the world, you were a king among men, as far as it went. And nobody will tell me, they all tell me I have to ask you. So....here I am. Asking. Jasper....please. I just want to know about you, I want to really, truthfully know you." I flipped my hands over my face in a half-assed attempt to hide my tears, and bit my lip. I wanted so badly to know this deep, dark secret of my husband's. I felt it would answer so many questions in my mind.
JPOV
She looked up at me when she'd finished, her eyes brimming with tears, and covered her face. I knew, without having to look another time, that she would be biting her lip, and her slender fingers would already be brushing at the few escapee tears she hadn't been able to stop. "I want to protect you from the evil darlin'.....I was.....I was a wicked, evil, heartless.......creature then. I don't ever want you to know that version of me." Her voice was in my head then, "Jasper....I know you aren't the same now as you were then. I love you." I sighed, running my hand through my hair before righting her, sitting her on my knee as I wiped away her tears, "Isabella Marie Whitlock, sometimes you just don't know when to give up."
She looked at me, her eyes pleading, and I shook my head, "But I suppose you deserve to hear. I have one simple rule." She looked at me, I felt her intrigue spike, her apprehension. "If , or when, I say you've heard enough, that's enough. There are some things Bella.....My beautiful, innocent, precious Bella, that I refuse to burden your sweet head, or heart, with darlin'. It wouldn't just damage you.......if I were to do that." She nodded, her voice soft in my head again, "I promise as long as you tell the truth. I trust you to." I held her to my chest; and like a small child listening to a story in the crisp, deep heat of the south, Bella sat, ears and mind at the ready. I'd never felt more difficulty forming words, but eventually they tumbled free.
"When I was changed Bella, I was put to work by Maria. You already know about that part." She nodded, her big, wide eyes were so trusting. Even if I had wanted to, there could be no lies. "Bella.....I trained those newborns. I created a hell of a lot as well. It's not something I'm real proud of darlin'....but you have to understand, I was new to this. I didn't really have a grasp on right or wrong. Everything I'd known was gone, so I trusted in my maker. I created Peter......." She looked at me, "What? No.....really?" I nodded, "Which is why it's interesting you got my gift and he didn't. Back to my story darlin'......we trained them to the point of insanity. They were battle machines, trained to be expendable." She bit her lip, and I knew she was thinking of the high cost, in lives.
"Darlin'.....I'm not proud of it. It was blind, and senseless, and.....given time over, I might have walked away. But....I was just as ruthless. I chose to battle as if every meeting was my last, that I should go with Victory under my belt. I created those monsters Bella, I led those monsters into battle, I emerged, victorious, even as they fell around me." She had snuggled in closer, and I tried to guard my thoughts better. No need for her to hear the things I was unable to say, found impossible to put into words, but by the time I looked down at her again, I knew, from her face, that she'd already seen some of the horrific images I'd had in my own mind.
The scores of bodies littering the battlefields, the smoking pyres, body parts strewn amongst the tatters of weapons and clothing. The women, and children, Oh God. The women and children. I felt her horror rise, and then nothing as she tried to block from me what she had felt, what she had seen, courtesy of my lack of control. I closed my eyes a moment, before reopening them, "Bella....Peter was there, with me. I got the nickname in a particularly ruthless battle, wherein he and I were the only ones to survive. Maria was furious, but so was I. I believe, it was the only time I've ever raised my voice to a woman." I bit my lip, my voice softer now, "Or my hand." Bella kissed my neck, "Jasper, that was then. I know you would never do such a thing now. I trust you, I love you." I nodded, "And that's how I got the nickname." She sat up, "Jasper....ugh." She rolled her eyes, frustrated, I could feel it. "I just.....Thank you, I guess....but.....I want to know more. I want to know why that was a good name. I can guess, and I can make things up, but I'll never actually....." Just then Peter appeared, a half smile on his face, "Isabella? I think perhaps Jasper needs some time. There are several of his journals in which I can personally attest to his moaning and bitching about the nickname he, at the time, secretly enjoyed having. Maybe you could....read it?"
BPOV
Peter was essentially telling me to back the fuck down. I didn't want to, I wanted to hear, from Jasper. I was smart enough to realize though that I needed to let it rest. If Jasper chose to tell me more as time passed, I would be pleased, and my curiosity would be better sated. In the meantime, Peter was right. Jasper had his journals, and I had never once been asked not to intrude by reading them.
I took his hand in my own, kissing his palm, stroking his scarred forearm. "Jasper....you never need to protect me from your demons. Never. I'm here to help you tame them. Just like you help with mine." His eyes glistened, the tears he would never be able to cry simply making them glassy. "Bella.....I've done an awful lot of things I'm not proud of. If I was a godfearin' human, I'd be goin' straight to hell." "But you aren't. You're a repentant person....a good heart. If God is out there, and I'm with Carlisle on this one, there must be, then you are on his good list, not his hellfire and damnation roll."
I pulled him to me as Peter left us, sending him wave after wave of love, and reassurance, my thoughts reminding him how far he had come, how much he had achieved by simply making the decision to live a better life. We sat like that, in the sunshine, until it was high over the house, then, even longer still, until the evening came upon us. I knew then that as lovely as our visit had been, we needed to get back.
"Jas? Can we go home in the morning please?" He said nothing, simply nodding, picking me up in his arms and carrying me to the bedroom, stripping us both before laying with his head on my chest, my hands in his hair, and filled the room with a strange mix of pride and discontent. I had been wrong to push him as I had, some of the images I'd caught from his mind had been terrifying, and I was suddenly, unusually, glad I was unable to sleep or truly dream. I made the best effort I could to fill him with comfort and love, and adoration, admiration, appreciation. I was proud of him, I loved him, he was my husband and I wanted to scream it from the rooftops. I settled for broadcasting it between only us, my voice tender and loving inside his mind, "Jasper Whitlock, I love you. I'm proud you had the strength to walk away like you did, and I'm honored you would share what you have today." My voice broke as I spoke aloud, "I love you." He thought the same to me, and spent the night feeling absolutely nothing, thinking absolutely nothing, wrapped in my arms. I couldn't help but note the irony of the reversed roles.