Chapter 26: Breathless

It's been quiet for the better part of five minutes. Tsubaki keeps offering me awkward smiles and I know the only reason she hasn't said anything is because she's trying to let me build up the confidence to start the conversation on my own. I've still not figured out how to even start the conversation.

"Hey Tsubaki, your boyfriend is total ass munch. He hits me and it's starting to weigh on my damn love life cause Yogi keeps finding new bruises. Its caused me more fights with the twins then I'd like to admit. I didn't want to tell you because I couldn't deal with the thought of you crying. And Yogi's explained things out for me better and I understand that I'd rather swallow razor blades then see you walk down the aisle in a white dress for this asshole. Sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

Haha. There's no fucken way in hell. Am I insane? I could definitely word that better and like… come off more subtle and less… harsh. Not for his sake, but for hers. I sigh and take a deep breath before turning towards her to start talking except she's stopped walking and is like a good ten steps behind me. I look back while raising a brow before retracing my steps. When I get there I feel my blood freeze from within my veins. Her eyes are wide and she's looking into oblivion. I reach out to try and bring her back down to Earth but she flinches at my touch. The action is more painful then I'd like to admit.

"What did you just say?"

I stared at her like a fish out of water. Hold up, there was no way I just said that out loud. Please tell me I have more tact and a better filter than that. Tsubaki's shock and watery eyes begged to differ.

"Oh god, Tsubaki… I didn't mean to say it like that…" I said, reaching out to do something.

I don't know what. I needed to comfort her. She was gonna cry. I have the damn tact of a blade of grass. Tsubaki shrugged my touch away.

"What are you even saying Gareki?" She asked, her cheeks reddening as she tried to hold back tears.

"I… Meiga… I didn't…"

That feeling of nausea hits me tenfold. This is the exact opposite of how I wanted this to go. I feel the panic fighting to take me over and I try to take deep breaths. I try and think of Yogi. I try and think of the phone call that I'll have with him shortly. When I open my eyes Tsubaki stand before me with tears streaming down her cheeks, a crease between her eyebrows as she tries to see through me.

"Meiga… has been…" My chest constricts and my fists shake as I try and piece together the words. I want to tell her. I have to tell her. I've made her cry… I can't just run. "He… Hits me…" The words feel weak even to my own ears and I'm starting to regret this whole thing. I wish I could go back a few days. Take back everything and pretend nothing was happening. Hide it from the twins better. Hide it from Yogi better… Not make one of the most important people to me cry for my sake. I didn't deserve her tears. I wasn't even her blood.

"W-when? How? Why?.."

The words from Tsubaki's lips each felt like bullets to the chest. That nauseous feeling wasn't going away. I was beginning to hate myself.

"Tsubaki, I'm sor-" I started only to be cut off.

"No! Stop! Tell me what is going on! For how long?!" She wasn't shouting, I'd never heard Tsubaki scream in my life, she was looking hysterical though and my heart shattered all the more.

I glanced to the side, away from her tear strained face, hating myself even more.

"Show me." She said, her voice quiet and yet firm.

My fingers shook as they reached for the hem of my hoodie. I lifted it slowly, my t-shirt hiking up with it. The further I lifted the more purple and blue the streetlamps found. A gasp left Tsubaki's lips and her tears turned into sobs. I was disgusted with myself. How could I even think bringing this pain onto her was a good idea? For my own sake? What kind of selfish idiot was I? There was no salvation for a boy who couldn't even win the affections of his own mother.

"Oh my god." Tsubaki sobbed, putting her face in her hands.

"I'm so sorry…" I mutter, feeling absolutely appalled with myself.

My fingers clench tightly as they hold up the hoodie. I want to take it all back. She didn't deserve this. She shouldn't have to deal with this. That nausea is sitting in the back of my throat, threatening to claw its way out. I feel the familiar sting of tears but I won't cry. I'm not allowed. Not after all the pain I've put her through.

After what seems to be a long stretch of time, Tsubaki wipes at her face before reaching towards me. She's reaching for the bruise and I don't offer a sliver of resistance. Her finger graze the ugly blemish, as if to make sure it's real and not a prank that the twins and I have managed to conjure. I flinch slightly as the tender wound sends a shock up my spine. Tsubaki pulls away as if she's been burned and I'm hit with a sense of déjà vu with a certain blond haired, violet eyed student.

"I'm fine." Not really but it certainly has nothing with physical harm from Tsubaki.

"I… I'm a failure as a guardian…" Tsubaki whispered and I could see her eyes shimmering with tears again.

I'm stuck on the part where she thinks she's somehow to blame for this conundrum. It's clawing up farther and my self-hatred is practically ready to consume me whole.

"Tsubaki… you couldn't have known…" I murmur, my jaw tense, keeping myself in control.

"I should have known! Now that I think about it, the signs are so obvious… I'm such an idiot." Tsubaki's hysterical and yet calm at the same time.

I want to stop this. I want it to disappear. I want to disappear. A part of me thinks that if I was never here to begin with, then maybe Tsubaki and the twins would be living 'happily ever after'. The thought is almost suffocating. A voice in the back of my head, sounding distinctly like Yogi, tells me I'm wrong. That logically even without me, Meiga is a heaping pile of trash. I latch on to that sentiment, refusing to let myself go down a depressing spiral. I need to focus on Tsubaki. She needs to understand that there was no way she had any fault in having Meiga hurt me.

"They aren't Tsubaki. Stop it." I said, reaching for her as she tugged on her hair. "I didn't want you to know. It wasn't made obvious to you." I said as I pried her fingers from her scalp as gently as I could.

"But it was Gareki!" Tsubaki exclaimed. "The looks you gave him. The looks the twins gave you. The way they always seemed to build a wall between themselves and him. Never getting close enough… They knew… oh my god… They knew and I didn't. It was my job to raise you… to protect you… I promised to take care of you… look at what I've done… I've done the opposite… I've brought you to a toxic home… And was blinded to what was happening. I ignored your pain… I am so sorry Gareki…" Tsubaki's hands shake as she speaks and again tears stain her cheeks.

I don't even think as I reach towards her, wrapping my arms around her protectively. I want her to not have to take on my pain. I want her to smile carefree once again. She's sobbing into my sweater and I feel as though her tears aren't her own… but mine. My arms tighten around her as she continues to cry.

"Tsubaki… I would never blame you for what he has done. So don't blame yourself. If you want to blame somebody… blame me for letting it happen all these years." I murmur gently as she stiffens.

"That man… Is still in my house." She said as she detached from me, brushing her cheeks to rid them of the tears.

I felt myself tense slightly and shoved my hands in my pockets.

"I'm sorry…" I muttered, my gaze slipping to the sidewalk.

I feel fingers on my chin as Tsubaki forces me to look up.

"I know that this was hard for you…" She murmurs before her fingers slip away. "But I want you to know that I'm glad you talked to me."

Tsubaki turns on her heels and starts making her way back home. I don't feel as glad as she does. In fact I still feel extremely nauseous as I chase after Tsubaki. The last thing I'm about to do is let her deal with Meiga on her own. She's set herself at a fast paced walk, and I can feel the rage radiating off of her. Tsubaki has never been this mad… I've never seen Tsubaki mad in my life… It kind of scares me now that I think about it. I think of Yogi, who will tell me that he is proud of the progress I've made… I want him with me right now. I want his comforting presence beside me to help me from having a mental breakdown. I crave to hear his voice right now.

I'm shocked out of my own reverie as a hand slips into my own. I look down to find Tsubaki squeezing my hand. She tries to smile but it looks tired and upset. I hate that this expression is the cause of my own idiocies.

"I'm so sorry I took me this long, Gareki… I'm going to deal with it right now. I know it doesn't fix anything… I just… I just want you to be able to come home and know… know that you are safe… and surrounded by people who love you. Family who will stand by you no matter what." She says and the words hold so much depth to them.

That burning feeling in my eyes is back. I squeeze Tsubaki's hand back to let her know just how much those words mean to me. I don't cry. I won't cry.

Yotaka is waiting outside when we get back. Tsubaki's brows crease and he gives her a hug, because he knows what she's feeling. He's her little brother.

"He's still in the living room. Watching the game." He murmurs, his gaze falling onto me.

He cocks his head, his silent question clear; Are you ok? I shrug halfheartedly and he nods, because he understands me, he's my brother too.

Tsubaki squares her shoulders as she pulls away from Yotaka. She glances back at me and for a long moment it's just me and her. Her eyes apologizing for all those years that Meiga's walked around free in the house. For all the years that I tried to protect the secret on my own. All the years I just accepted it like so, almost protecting him in the process. The months that the twins have spent agonizing over my pain. It's all in her eyes as she watches Yotaka make his way towards me. As he reaches towards me and pulls me into a hug that I definitely need. I'm craving that this predicament ends soon. I can't stand this quietness… the fear of the scene that is about to unfold.

"You're not alone anymore." He murmurs gently and that feeling of crying breaks through the barrier I've created and Yotaka is there to rub comforting circles into my back.